Exploring Poly Feelings in a Committed Relationship

J

JJ808

New member
Hi everyone,

I’m new here and exploring a lot of thoughts and emotions right now. I’m a 24-year-old woman in a loving, committed relationship with my 27-year-old male partner — we’ve been together for almost 2 years, and he’s my “nest” person. Someone I care deeply about and want to build a future with.

Lately, I’ve been feeling curious about the idea of exploring other connections while still keeping him as my anchor. I’m drawn to emotional honesty, slow growth, and building relationships with care, consent, and clear communication. It’s not about running away or replacing what we have—I actually want to deepen our bond by being honest about the things that are coming up for me.

The hard part is, he’s really scared—and understandably so. He’s been hurt by cheating, dishonesty, and rejection in past relationships. His fears are valid, and include:
  • That I’ll fall for someone “better” and leave or forget about him
  • That I won’t have enough time, love, or energy for him anymore
  • That emotional connections with others will make our relationship feel less important

I’ve tried to give him space and not push, but he recently brought it up again. I told him I was waiting to talk more when he was ready, and I don’t want to pressure him—but I also want us to have honest, kind conversations about what this could look like, even if we don’t take any steps right now.

He’s naturally flirty and attracts people easily—it’s part of what makes him so charming. But he also struggles with self-worth and tends to believe no one could really love or accept him like I do. I think this mindset holds him back from seeing what’s truly possible, even though he’s said that if someone did like him “for all his flaws,” he might be more open to trying.

I’m not looking to rush into anything. I’ve even thought that maybe we could try a casual connection first—with shared boundaries and lots of check-ins—just to feel it out together. But I want to make sure we both feel safe, valued, and heard.

So I’m asking:
  • Has anyone been in a similar place—one partner curious, the other afraid?
  • What helped you have those early conversations without damaging trust?
  • Are there small, middle-ground ways to explore or grow without jumping straight in?

Thank you so much for being a space where I can say all this out loud. I’m just trying to figure it out gently. 💛

— JJ
 
Hello JJ808,

You are smart to move forward slowly with this. The main middle ground I can think about is to talk with him about it -- lots and lots of talk. It took my partner about a year of talking with her husband before he became reasonably comfortable with her partnering with me. Another thing you might try is reading a book together -- a really good book to read is called "Opening Up," authored by Tristan Taormino. It answers a lot of questions, prompts you to answer some helpful questions, and just puts ENM (including polyamory) into perspective. Other than that, I think if you just approach your partner gently and carefully, you will do alright. I also encourage you to keep reading and posting on this forum ... Look for questions you can ask, and we will be happy to answer. Good luck in your poly journey!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
A good babystep is to find a local poly group or a place with a sex-positive culture and just talk to non-monogamous people. Make friends who made it happen.

For me, one interesting way to explore erotic attraction with men without actually starting relationships were tantric seminars. But that could be already a lot for your partner.
 
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Thanks for advice so far and for context I am pansexual and demisexual. My partner is bisexual but feels more comfortable with female partners.
 
Hey,

I’m in a similar position with my partner.

It’s really important to me that at some point we invite someone to our relationship. I’m actually completely open to their would-be gender (I’m male and my partner is female). We discussed this early on in our relationship and agreed, but three years on and we haven’t really addressed it. I feel she has reservations, and I’m worried she may now not want to. I don’t know what to do as this is a really important part of me, as I’m sure it is for many people here.

I love my partner, but feel if we can’t bridge this, I’ll have no choice but to leave. So, in essence, I feel your emotions. I’m afraid I can’t offer advice, but I look forward to reading the support you get.

And I hope everything works out for you!
 
JJ808 said:
Hi everyone,

I’m new here and exploring a lot of thoughts and emotions right now. I’m a 24-year-old woman in a loving, committed relationship with my 27-year-old male partner — we’ve been together for almost 2 years, and he’s my “nest” person. Someone I care deeply about and want to build a future with.

Lately, I’ve been feeling curious about the idea of exploring other connections while still keeping him as my anchor. I’m drawn to emotional honesty, slow growth, and building relationships with care, consent, and clear communication. It’s not about running away or replacing what we have—I actually want to deepen our bond by being honest about the things that are coming up for me.

The hard part is, he’s really scared—and understandably so. He’s been hurt by cheating, dishonesty, and rejection in past relationships. His fears are valid, and include:
  • That I’ll fall for someone “better” and leave or forget about him
  • That I won’t have enough time, love, or energy for him anymore
  • That emotional connections with others will make our relationship feel less important

I’ve tried to give him space and not push, but he recently brought it up again. I told him I was waiting to talk more when he was ready, and I don’t want to pressure him—but I also want us to have honest, kind conversations about what this could look like, even if we don’t take any steps right now.

He’s naturally flirty and attracts people easily—it’s part of what makes him so charming. But he also struggles with self-worth and tends to believe no one could really love or accept him like I do. I think this mindset holds him back from seeing what’s truly possible, even though he’s said that if someone did like him “for all his flaws,” he might be more open to trying.
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It's odd, huh, that he flirts and attracts people, but at the same time, don't think he's that lovable? Some people have a hard time reading social cues; is that an issue he has?

What are his deep down dark horrors that no one but you could ever accept?
JJ808 said:
I’m not looking to rush into anything. I’ve even thought that maybe we could try a casual connection first—with shared boundaries and lots of check-ins—just to feel it out together. But I want to make sure we both feel safe, valued, and heard.

So I’m asking:
  • Has anyone been in a similar place—one partner curious, the other afraid?
Click to expand...
Read around the boards. Thousands and thousands have been in your boat since we started in 2009. Read the books on our book list in Golden Nuggets as well. You're not alone.
JJ808 said:
  • What helped you have those early conversations without damaging trust?
  • Are there small, middle-ground ways to explore or grow without jumping straight in?
Click to expand...
I recommended the "disentangling" article on your other thread, for one thing.
JJ808 said:
Thank you so much for being a space where I can say all this out loud. I’m just trying to figure it out gently. 💛

— JJ
Click to expand...
I responded to your other thread. These threads are pretty similar. Please don't start any more new ones just now!
 
JJ808 said:
I am pansexual and demisexual.
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So, you're interested in dating any gender, but wouldn't have sex with anyone until you felt very very strong friendship and trust. Is your partner more threatened by you feeling emotionally positive about someone, or more threatened by you sharing yourself sexually?
JJ808 said:
My partner is bisexual, but feels more comfortable with female partners.
Click to expand...
He wants females? Or he only wants you to date females? It's pretty common for men to feel positive about "their" woman dating other women, but feel terrified for them to date another man. This is innately misogynistic.

If he prefers females for himself, that's fine. Some bi guys only want (casual) sex with other men, but have no desire to fall in love with a guy.

It's complicated.
 
Hey again — wanted to post a bit of an update and get some feedback. It’s been a lot emotionally.

I’ve tried to gently bring up poly again recently, as something I’d still like to explore someday. But the conversation really didn’t go well. My partner said he doesn’t want it, full stop. He told me he had suggested poly to his ex years ago, but they broke up not long after — before anything even happened. He now sees that experience as a failure and a big part of why he doesn’t want to try again. There’s a lot of hurt and maybe even trauma tied up in it that he hasn’t unpacked.

He also said things like “you can do poly, but I won’t” — which feels like he’s already decided he won’t ever be open to it, and that if I go down that path, he won’t follow. I brought up the idea of couples counselling or even just support for himself, but he said no, and that if needing therapy was part of being in a relationship, he’d rather break up than go.

We’ve also had some hard moments in conversation where he’s said things like if we ever break up, he’d just disappear and never speak to anyone again. It’s honestly heartbreaking to hear that, because it makes it feel like there’s no way to ever talk about things without it being all or nothing.

What makes this even harder is that we’re meant to go away on a week-long trip with friends in October. If we were to break up before then… I don’t even know how I’d handle it. I also owe him money, and he’s been helping me financially and emotionally for a long time. So even if I wanted to leave or take space, it feels impossible right now without risking everything — my stability, my dog, my home, and my heart.

I do love him, and I don’t want to lose everything we’ve built. But I also feel like I’m silencing a part of myself just to keep the peace. I’ve tried to approach this gently, not as pressure, but as something I want to talk about honestly — and it still blows up or ends with him shutting down. I’m scared, confused, and stuck between wanting to stay and grow together, or acknowledging that we might want very different lives.

Any advice or support is appreciated. 💛
 
Hi JJ,

I might be misreading you, but it sounds as if a mono/poly arrangement might be a possibility for you -- one where you are poly, while he is mono. Such a thing does exist, and there are people who make it work. It just takes a little more doing. More communication, more compromise. That sort of thing.

Just a thought,
Kevin T.
 
kdt26417 said:
Hi JJ,

I might be misreading you, but it sounds as if a mono/poly arrangement might be a possibility for you -- one where you are poly, while he is mono. Such a thing does exist, and there are people who make it work. It just takes a little more doing. More communication, more compromise. That sort of thing.

Just a thought,
Kevin T.
Click to expand...
Yeah, I’ve heard that too—that mono/poly can work, but it’s really tough and often doesn’t last without a lot of trust and communication. That’s part of why I’m unsure. We already have some other struggles in our relationship (financial stress, emotional disconnects, and communication issues), so I worry adding poly on top might make things even harder. At the same time, I don’t want to ignore these feelings I’m having either, so I’m trying to figure out how to explore them without breaking everything else in the process.

- JJ
 
Okay, well, you can still do more of your own reading and exploring of the subject, including conversing with us here on the forum, even if you're not acting on your desires at least for the moment. And of course you can keep talking to him about it. Some of the conversations may be hard, but they're still needed. I'm sorry he's not willing to do counseling, it seems obvious that he needs it just to sort through his past trauma, even if he never changes his mind about poly.
 
kdt26417 said:
Okay, well, you can still do more of your own reading and exploring of the subject, including conversing with us here on the forum, even if you're not acting on your desires at least for the moment. And of course you can keep talking to him about it. Some of the conversations may be hard, but they're still needed. I'm sorry he's not willing to do counseling, it seems obvious that he needs it just to sort through his past trauma, even if he never changes his mind about poly.
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I think that’s what I’m struggling with most—he doesn’t want to talk about it or deal with past trauma, and on top of that there are other relationship issues (money, communication, feeling controlled at times). It leaves me unsure how much I can realistically carry on my own.

- JJ
 
I'll just be blunt and say polyamory in any form, including mono-poly, can't work if the partners involved are not willing or able to communicate openly, honestly, respectfully and clearly. It is pretty much a requirement.

And my second observation is trite but true. Sometimes love isn't enough.
 
We had a really serious conversation today — lots of tears but also a lot of honesty. At first he said if I wanted poly he would leave, but as we kept talking he admitted he doesn’t want to lose me and agreed to try couples counselling. That really surprised me, since I thought he’d just walk away or shut down.

He even said he’d be willing to try poly, though with conditions (like only one other partner). I appreciate that openness, but I’m also mindful that I don’t want him to agree just because he’s scared of losing me. I love him too much to push him into something that could make him unhappy or resentful.

We’ve got our first counselling session tomorrow. I’ve made a list of things I need to see change — communication, support, respect (for me and my family), appreciation, finances, and being able to talk about poly without fear or blame. It feels like a turning point, but I know I’ll need to see real action, not just words.

- JJ
 
I'm curious, what are your reasons for "poly"? What kind of interractions or arrangement are you looking for?
 
JJ808 said:
We had a really serious conversation today — lots of tears but also a lot of honesty. At first he said if I wanted poly he would leave, but as we kept talking he admitted he doesn’t want to lose me and agreed to try couples counselling. That really surprised me, since I thought he’d just walk away or shut down.
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How long have you been feeling this pull towards poly? Besides reading and posting here, what else have you done to educate yourself on changing your relationship dynamic?

At this very early stage, I wouldn’t put a ton of stock in any appeasement actions. To me, his heart and most of his mind aren’t made up against this.

JJ808 said:
He even said he’d be willing to try poly, though with conditions (like only one other partner). I appreciate that openness, but I’m also mindful that I don’t want him to agree just because he’s scared of losing me. I love him too much to push him into something that could make him unhappy or resentful.
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Sorry, but everything you’ve written suggests you are 100% pushing into something he doesn’t want to do. So... yeah, he’s not just going to be unhappy in this discussion and planning phase. But wait til the rubber hits the road, or the rubbers hit the trash can.

You said above somewhere that you didn't want to lose everything you’ve "built together." I realize you’ve only been together for 2 yrs, and are not married, so traditional entanglements aren’t as deep, but the same principle applies had you been married for 10 yrs. The old relationship is going to be dead and gone, and this whole new undefined thing is replacing it. So it might be helpful for both of you to start adjusting your thinking to the idea of basically starting over.

JJ808 said:
We’ve got our first counselling session tomorrow. I’ve made a list of things I need to see change — communication, support, respect (for me and my family), appreciation, finances, and being able to talk about poly without fear or blame. It feels like a turning point, but I know I’ll need to see real action, not just words.
Click to expand...
Does your family know of this desire to change your relationship dynamic?

Good luck in your session.
 
It sounds like he has reached kind of a turning point, where he is willing to communicate and see a counselor. That is good news. He even seems to have opened up somewhat to poly, although we'll see if that sticks.
 
I wanted to give an update after everything that’s happened. My partner and I had some very intense conversations. At first, he said if I wanted poly he’d leave, but then he changed and said he didn’t want to lose me, that he’d try counselling, even that he’d try poly with conditions.

But I realised the timing was the problem — he only started promising these things when I was already at the point of breaking up. It felt like desperation rather than real change, and I didn’t want him to agree to poly just because he was afraid of losing me. That wouldn’t have been healthy for either of us.

In the end, I decided to end things. It hurts so much because we were really each other’s everything, and I do still love and miss him. But deep down I know I need respect, appreciation, communication, and shared values, not just last-minute promises. I’m trying to sit with the grief while reminding myself that honesty was kinder than holding on and resenting each other.

- JJ
 
Sorry you had to break up. I think it was for the best -- if you already knew you're not compatible and he was only going to capitulate in a resentful way. You wanted to do poly in a way that didn't hurt him -- but I don't believe that was possible.
 
While I'm sorry to hear about the break up, I think you did the right thing in not dragging it out and not accepting "last minute promises" designed to avoid the break up more than anything else.

Desperation is not healthy. I'm glad you saw that. Honesty IS kinder in the long run. It's just that all break ups come with grief to process and you are grieving. It's ok to mourn.

Galagirl
 
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