Feeling confused

L

Lookingforpassion

New member
Newbie here. I do not want to be attacked, so please don’t reply unless it’s respectful and helpful.

Hubs and I have been together for 22 years and have 4 kids. We met when I was 17 and he 26. We are both highly sexed. It’s been the one thing in our relationship we’ve never had a problem with. (We’ve had threesomes and one foursome and are planning on another threesome.)

The last few years we’ve been through hell, and last year we almost divorced. We’ve put a lot of work into staying together though, and things are the best they’ve been in a long time.

A few nights ago, though, I crossed a line I never thought I would with a close friend and I don’t know how I feel. He’s someone very close to us both. There has always been something between him and me, but I never considered a sexual encounter. He also has a partner and is the complete opposite, emotionally, to my husband.

We have had some very intense conversations together. On the night in question he came and stayed here and we started drinking, etc., but hubs was tired and grumpy and went to bed early. He and I stayed up talking and drinking for hours, long after his and our kids had all gone to bed. We eventually got into a serious talk about some things that had happened in my life last year and I became very emotional. He took my hands and pulled me into his arms to console me, and before I knew it we were kissing so passionately it totally floored me. I pulled back and we both just stared at each other, asking what are we doing? etc. Not knowing what to do, I just got up and left to be alone in the backyard. But he followed. And once he touched me again I physically couldn’t stop myself. He did things to things to me I had never experienced in my 40 years and I was so turned on.

Eventually we left the house and continued elsewhere, but didn’t have sex. It seemed like all he wanted to do was pleasure me. He couldn’t get enough of me and I’ve never had that. Eventually we came to our senses when my husband rang him to see where we were, so I sent him home and went for a long walk to clear my head. Hubs was suspicious when I got home and worried because I hadn’t taken my phone, so I made something up and texted said friend to do the same.

When I woke up the next morning, hubs had taken the boys out, and my mind was racing. Next thing I know, my bedroom door opens (I was naked) and he came in. I was sure he was going to be freaking out, as he started by saying we have to keep our stories straight. But then he shut the door, came over to me and started touching and kissing me again. I wanted to get up, but he held me down and fingered me so good I squirted for the first time in my life! It was fucking amazing. I tried to grab him to reciprocate but he just licked his fingers and left. He was so passionate and controlling (in a very good way) and I never knew I could ever feel anything like that. Now I don’t know what to do. I wish I could say I was ashamed, but the only thing that would make me feel bad was if my husband got hurt. If he had been there I know he would have joined in and been turned on, as he’s said he wanted to watch me with another man. I now I want that other man to be our friend.

Friend and I agreed to keep it between us, so as not to hurt anyone unnecessarily. But I can’t stop thinking about it and wanting more and I worry if I’m alone with him again. An open marriage is something we have considered, so I’m wondering if I should bring this up, as I want to feel what I did that night over and over, but I don’t want to do it without my husband's knowledge. I’m so confused!
 
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Of course you should confess to your husband how you got carried away with your friend, cheated, and then lied about it, the sooner the better. Hopefully hubs will forgive you and will consent to you carrying on with this guy.

However, don't assume that this friend wants threesomes. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe he just wants you. So don't present him to hubs as a gift, a new threesome partner. That will need to be presented to Friend as a possibility and his answer will need to be respected.

It looks like, so far, you've only done threesomes with hubs, and haven't dated/played separately. So this might be a new step. What will you do if Friend doesn't want an audience or participant? What will hubs do? This will entail delicate negotiations, and trust between you and hubs. You've just gone through some struggles and now you have this to deal with.

Is Friend single or cheating?
 
Hello Lookingforpassion,

It seems that you have no easy choices in front of you, the best initial choice as I see it is to admit your affair to your husband. I don't know how your husband will react. Forgivingly, I hope. Maybe you can even ask for that open marriage that you so desire at this time. In any case, let the truth come out, and let your husband decide what he does or doesn't consent to.

Sorry you're in such a tight spot.
Kevin T.
 
Thank you, everyone, for the replies.

I want to tell him. However, he has bad anger issues, so I worry about the outcome. (I went through emotional domestic violence with him last year. He’s been physically violent with others, especially when he is jealous.) He is trying his hardest to address his demons and work on his emotional responses, but it’s a long slow process and I really believe he would regress if I told him now. Not to mention, I’m not sure what he would do to our friend.

This doesn’t mean I’m never going to tell him, just not at this point in our marriage. We had another talk last night about opening our relationship. He is only comfortable doing it together and worries about me forming emotional attachments, as do I.

I married so young and feel like I missed out on a lot sexually, and now the urge to experiment is becoming stronger and stronger. I’m hoping we can find something to bring back the passion and fulfill my desires.
 
What he doesn't know won't hurt him you.

He doesn't sound safe. You took a huge risk that could end very badly. Could this be you actually trying to end the relationship? Do you need agency help to leave? Or are you feeling completely trapped in this marriage?
 
Evie said:
What he doesn't know won't hurt him you.

He doesn't sound safe. You took a huge risk that could end very badly. Could this be you actually trying to end the relationship? Do you need agency help to leave? Or are you feeling completely trapped in this marriage?
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I feel trapped, but I also don’t want to give up on him. I love him very much. We have been through so much together and he is really trying. He had a dysfunctional upbringing. I am the one person that he has ever been vulnerable with and I know the man he can be. He’s had very little family support and I don’t want him to go through that again. Also, I honestly don’t think he would handle being a single dad and I know our kids would suffer. This very well could have been my first unconscious step to leaving, but after 21 years it’s just so complicated. I’ve had support from DV counselors so I know my options, but I want to try everything to make us work and keep our family together.
 
Kindly, I'd consider if your kids are suffering by living with someone unable to regulate their emotions safely. It gets to a point where the choice to keep them in such circumstances is viewed as a choice to leap them in an environment in which they cannot thrive, and they start to consider the welfare of the children separately from their adult parent, who is legally able to make detrimental choices for themselves.
 
Well, this new information changes the kind of feedback you will get. You've suffered years of abuse from this man, it sounds like. You've been through hell, you said.

Hubs is working on himself? Is he in therapy? I agree, this is a very bad time to confess to sexually cheating, and it's even a bad time to try to bring anyone else in for a casual threesome. Why would you want to subject anyone new to your husband, with his tendency to violence?

You say hubs has been violent in the past when he was jealous. You were legally a child when you met him, but he was 26. I guess you mean, in that time before you met him, he's had physical fights with men his exes were with. Or maybe you mean he was even violent to men you've had crushes on, in the 20 years you and he have been together. So, he well might want to do something violent to this guy you got carried away with.

I even wonder if new guy is bad news for you. You might find it a turn-on that he is holding you down and "controlling you," walking into your room unannounced and uninvited when you're naked, running off into the darkness with you to do sexual things in the middle of the night, while your "grumpy" husband lies in bed wondering where you are, etc. I see all of those as further red flags and risky behaviors that could have extremely serious consequences for you, your marriage, your friend and even, in the long run, to your children.

I understand you see Friend as having given you positive attention, but he sees how vulnerable and unsafe you are right now, yet he's fooling around with you practically under your husband's nose, knowing about the violence that has gone on for years. This is not helpful for you.

This is not polyamory. This is not any kind of ethical non-monogamy. This is a bad situation and there's a chance you might be physically hurt by your husband with his violent tendencies. Calling it "grumpiness" is an understatement. Be careful!
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I can understand being love starved, touch starved, and giving in to temptation. People are human and can make mistakes.

But if you want to get your life back on track?

I think you could stop cheating with Dude and don't tell husband about it. You have bigger problems with the domestic violence/abuse stuff. And if husband decides to use his fists on Dude, you, or the kids to "punish" you for your affair? Not great. Don't tell about this and don't give him any more NEW more ammo. Just cut Dude off.

New guy -- however "sexy" you found it in the moment? He doesn't sound respectful of you. Not really. "Better than a domestic violence/abusive husband" doesn't automatically mean "healthy and good."

I feel trapped, but I also don’t want to give up on him. I love him very much.
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Having a trial separation is not "giving up on him." You can continue to love him from a safer distance. You can do couple counseling and individual counseling.

You can encourage him to work on himself and make a big space for him to DO IT IN.

I know that doesn't happen just like that, it takes time to save money, get a job, get a flat, etc. But you can decide to be done living with DV and that you want to leave it today. You can hope to come out the other side in a HEALTHY marriage with spouse. Like hope for the best.

I see that you want to stay and be along side with him WHILE he does his process. But if you do that? What's the impetus to actually change and do anything? Part of the cycle of abuse is the honeymoon phase where they promise to never do it again, turn a new leaf, change, etc.

I also think getting a taste of life on your own would do you and the kids some good too.

You might also decide to divorce instead. But one step at a time here.

I just don't think this is going to get better if NOTHING really changes. Living separate for a year is a change you can def see. And you will be better able to see too if he really does start doing counseling and whatever else he needs to heal himself.

We have been through so much together and he is really trying. He had a dysfunctional upbringing. I am the one person that he has ever been vulnerable with and I know the man he can be. He’s had very little family support and I don’t want him to go through that again.
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A 26 yr old taking up with a 17 yr old is not great. Teens fall for the "fixer upper romance" thing. Like being the "special one" who will "rescue" or "save" them or "inspire change."

You are now 38. Doesn't matter if he's only been vulnerable only with you. He needs actual professionals to help him if he's really going to turn things around. You are not it. And even if you were a professional trained in this field? You can't be the one to treat/help him. It's conflict of interest.

Also, I honestly don’t think he would handle being a single dad and I know our kids would suffer.
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Do you wonder if your kids suffer NOW growing up in an abuse/DV household?

Do you wonder if this is what they are learning as their "normal?" That it is ok to to this kind of stuff to a partner? Or accept this kind of behavior from a partner?

How much more would you kids put up with or do because they think the level you get is "the normal?"

You could take full custody for a year in the separation agreements so he doesn't have to deal with any parenting duties. Just visit the kids with supervision.

Because his job is going to be seeing whatever professionals and doing whatever treatment plan for his issues.

This very well could have been my first unconscious step to leaving, but after 21 years it’s just so complicated. I’ve had support from DV counselors so I know my options, but I want to try everything to make us work and keep our family together.
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Do you have support NOW from a counselor?

It IS going to be complex for you. I hope you have a counselor you can talk to. It's not just healing him. It's healing YOU too. And the kids might need family therapy.

It is possible you have outgrown him. And have trauma and abuse things that need healing inside you.

Does "trying everything" include you and the kids living somewhere else for a year's lease? So you all get a time out, and he gets a time and space to focus on himself and making real changes? You get some time and space AWAY from long term abuse things and get to peek at what life might be like without all that? Same for the kids?

Galagirl
 
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