BelleRose
New member
I've been feeling this way for a couple of weeks now, and then today I had a thought for the first time that made me sad. That my relationship with George isn't real, or not as real as it could be, or would be, if we weren't poly.
It started with Luke. When we first met and started dating things seemed magical. I was so happy. I couldn't believe I had these two amazing men in my life who loved me. But then Luke and I fell apart. It wasn't immediately obvious to me that it was poly related, and maybe that was naive of me. But it turns out that because I was poly he didn't expect to have to put the same amount of effort into a relationship with me. He figured that since I already had a boyfriend it wouldn't be as much work for him. Coming to this realization over the past month or so has been really painful, especially when, after repeatedly telling me he loved me in the past, Luke later stated that while he enjoys what we have between us he wouldn't call it love. I was so heartbroken by this that I went numb for a while. Not just with him, but with everyone. Even George. I just felt so used. I didn't go out looking for casual sex. I'm not someone who enjoys or can handle that, and I'm very explicit about it. In the past, before poly, it just meant that people who wanted that passed over me, and I was fine with that. But somehow poly gets confused with swinging and that detail, despite my explicit nature, gets overlooked or conveniently "misunderstood". Since that discussion I have told him that we can't be more than friends. He's asked if we can be friends who play sometimes, but I honestly don't want that. I still have feelings for him, and knowing that he doesn't reciprocate my emotions makes the physical prospect bleak to me. Honestly I feel taken advantage of having shared my body with him at all under false pretenses, and when I think about how I felt about him, about us, before I realized the situation I was in, I feel completely foolish. Truth be told this is probably to do with most of what I'm feeling. I think because I feel hurt, empty and insecure with Luke, I'm carrying around those feelings in a general sense. Internalizing them. And they're leaking into my other relationships. Or maybe it's more than that.
With George, for example. Lately I've felt myself pulling away from him. Part of it is not knowing how to be vulnerable for him, and there's been plenty of cause to be vulnerable lately. Besides Luke, I have to move. I've been living with a roommate since Feb, the living situation has become hostile and I've opted to break my lease early with my landlord and move out at the end of Oct. This is coming at a transition in my career and I'm not financially prepared. Things are just so awful that I have no choice. Anyway, his way of handling that is sort of rubbing my back, making a pouty face (like a kid, with his lip poked out), and telling me "it sucks" and he's sorry that I'm going through it. First, it feels like empty words. Just the same thing over and over and over again. Second, it feels empty because of the limitations of our relationship. I have no idea where I'm going to be living in Nov and I've never been this scared in my life. Everyone in my life has offered to help in some way, whether offering to help me find a place or offering me a place on their couch. Hell, even Luke offered to help. All George seems to be able to offer me is sympathy. He's had friends stay with him and his roommate before. In fact, he has a friend staying with them right now. But his apartment is the meeting place for his other serious partner, Gina, and all his other partners. So of course he can't offer to help. How would that work? Neither of us has explicitly stated that this is the reason in the pouty moments that he pokes out his lip, apologizes and tells me that he wishes he could help. But we both know. And that's made the limitations of a polyamorous relationship a lot more noticeable to me suddenly.
On top of that he can be absentminded at times. I'm nit-picking now, but as an example, we were in a diner a few weeks ago after a day at the beach and struck up conversation with a gentleman at the bar. The gentleman asked where we were from and he said we were both from Brooklyn. No, I corrected, I'm from Manhattan. He turned to me shocked, exclaiming, "You're not from Brooklyn?!" Except that I told him this on our first date, and several times during our relationship. But it never sticks. After that I started paying more attention to him...well...not paying attention. Sometimes it's him not remembering things. Other times it's him finishing my sentences for me, but incorrectly, or just being generally presumptuous where I wish there was more opportunity to connect. To feel heard.
Finally there's the fact that we don't have anything in our relationship that's just ours. I tried to introduce a show to him, hoping that could be our "thing". I wasn't explicit that that's what I was doing, but that was my intention. Then, one week when I said we had to catch up on our show, he said he'd already watched it with Gina that week. I was furious for 30 seconds, fighting tears for the next 30, and then I just let it go. I could see that he was genuinely confused that I was upset and it didn't seem worth it to get into a whole thing over a TV show. Of course, for the rest of the season it was obvious that he'd skipped ahead with her, without me, and the shared activity never had it's same appeal again. Since then I haven't found anything private with him, and sometimes I feel like I'm just one of several in a revolving door of women that he does the exact same things with every week. Exclusivity IS important to me. There has to be something special between us, I feel. If it isn't love, and it isn't sex, that's fine. I'm not exclusive with those either. But I can be exclusive with SOMETHING for him. And without it I've started to feel like what we have isn't special. And because of that I've been pulling away, I guess. Not making as much of an effort when we aren't together. Not texting as much, or being short when I do. I haven't even been as open when we are together. A part of me feels blocked off. I don't think I feel safe investing more of my heart with George.
Which leaves Jose. Last week I almost broke things off. I'd been thinking of dropping the mono boys altogether after what happened with Luke. Admittedly I was coy about this. I should have been more direct. But I was out with Jose and, by way of trying to figure out where he stood so as to avoid another Luke disaster, I told him I was afraid of getting too attached to him in case he wasn't really okay with my being poly. He responded that he couldn't get too attached to me because I had a boyfriend. I flashed back to my situation with Luke and made an excuse to leave early. But later we talked about it - during the talk where I almost broke things off - and it turned out he'd had a misunderstand of my situation with George. He thought it was more like swinging. Once I explained, and also explained that I wasn't open to anything casual, he said he was actually open to more he just didn't realize it was an option.
Since then he's been more communicative, open, affectionate. And still I'm weary of him. I don't trust him. Won't let myself trust him. I'm constantly imagining that maybe he's just using me like Luke, and keeping myself pulled back just in case. Last night/this morning we finally had sex (we'd been having some ED issues which it now seems was anxiety related) and the night before, with a drink or two in me, I was able to actually let go and be happy in the moment. But this morning I felt myself deliberately shut down again.
It's worth noting that I have a history of abusive relationships and that I'm bi-polar. Emotional shutdowns where I literally can't feel anything aren't uncommon. But I don't think I'm depressed because this feeling doesn't transcend my romantic relationships. I think this is more of a defense mechanism because of what happened with Luke. Because I still miss Luke? If I weren't poly, I wouldn't be dating yet. I'd be at home, crying, watching Telemundo, eating fatty foods. But then if I weren't poly, I think, what would be stopping from being with Luke? But then I wouldn't have George, I think. And I love George, even though it's hard right now. I wouldn't want to lose him. Still, it is hard right now. I'm starting to doubt how significant a factor in my life the relationship can be, not because of US, but because of IT, the poly structure of the thing. And if George and I are limited by virtue of being poly, and being poly - and not solo poly, but already involved - is limiting my other relationships, potential and actual, then will I always feel empty like this? Not completely, mind you. Not time to fill up the tank empty. But just...I don't know...just shy of happy.
I'm having a lot of thoughts right now and I'm afraid my freelance writer alter ego took over toward the end there, but that's everything. Sigh. No advice required, but always appreciated.
It started with Luke. When we first met and started dating things seemed magical. I was so happy. I couldn't believe I had these two amazing men in my life who loved me. But then Luke and I fell apart. It wasn't immediately obvious to me that it was poly related, and maybe that was naive of me. But it turns out that because I was poly he didn't expect to have to put the same amount of effort into a relationship with me. He figured that since I already had a boyfriend it wouldn't be as much work for him. Coming to this realization over the past month or so has been really painful, especially when, after repeatedly telling me he loved me in the past, Luke later stated that while he enjoys what we have between us he wouldn't call it love. I was so heartbroken by this that I went numb for a while. Not just with him, but with everyone. Even George. I just felt so used. I didn't go out looking for casual sex. I'm not someone who enjoys or can handle that, and I'm very explicit about it. In the past, before poly, it just meant that people who wanted that passed over me, and I was fine with that. But somehow poly gets confused with swinging and that detail, despite my explicit nature, gets overlooked or conveniently "misunderstood". Since that discussion I have told him that we can't be more than friends. He's asked if we can be friends who play sometimes, but I honestly don't want that. I still have feelings for him, and knowing that he doesn't reciprocate my emotions makes the physical prospect bleak to me. Honestly I feel taken advantage of having shared my body with him at all under false pretenses, and when I think about how I felt about him, about us, before I realized the situation I was in, I feel completely foolish. Truth be told this is probably to do with most of what I'm feeling. I think because I feel hurt, empty and insecure with Luke, I'm carrying around those feelings in a general sense. Internalizing them. And they're leaking into my other relationships. Or maybe it's more than that.
With George, for example. Lately I've felt myself pulling away from him. Part of it is not knowing how to be vulnerable for him, and there's been plenty of cause to be vulnerable lately. Besides Luke, I have to move. I've been living with a roommate since Feb, the living situation has become hostile and I've opted to break my lease early with my landlord and move out at the end of Oct. This is coming at a transition in my career and I'm not financially prepared. Things are just so awful that I have no choice. Anyway, his way of handling that is sort of rubbing my back, making a pouty face (like a kid, with his lip poked out), and telling me "it sucks" and he's sorry that I'm going through it. First, it feels like empty words. Just the same thing over and over and over again. Second, it feels empty because of the limitations of our relationship. I have no idea where I'm going to be living in Nov and I've never been this scared in my life. Everyone in my life has offered to help in some way, whether offering to help me find a place or offering me a place on their couch. Hell, even Luke offered to help. All George seems to be able to offer me is sympathy. He's had friends stay with him and his roommate before. In fact, he has a friend staying with them right now. But his apartment is the meeting place for his other serious partner, Gina, and all his other partners. So of course he can't offer to help. How would that work? Neither of us has explicitly stated that this is the reason in the pouty moments that he pokes out his lip, apologizes and tells me that he wishes he could help. But we both know. And that's made the limitations of a polyamorous relationship a lot more noticeable to me suddenly.
On top of that he can be absentminded at times. I'm nit-picking now, but as an example, we were in a diner a few weeks ago after a day at the beach and struck up conversation with a gentleman at the bar. The gentleman asked where we were from and he said we were both from Brooklyn. No, I corrected, I'm from Manhattan. He turned to me shocked, exclaiming, "You're not from Brooklyn?!" Except that I told him this on our first date, and several times during our relationship. But it never sticks. After that I started paying more attention to him...well...not paying attention. Sometimes it's him not remembering things. Other times it's him finishing my sentences for me, but incorrectly, or just being generally presumptuous where I wish there was more opportunity to connect. To feel heard.
Finally there's the fact that we don't have anything in our relationship that's just ours. I tried to introduce a show to him, hoping that could be our "thing". I wasn't explicit that that's what I was doing, but that was my intention. Then, one week when I said we had to catch up on our show, he said he'd already watched it with Gina that week. I was furious for 30 seconds, fighting tears for the next 30, and then I just let it go. I could see that he was genuinely confused that I was upset and it didn't seem worth it to get into a whole thing over a TV show. Of course, for the rest of the season it was obvious that he'd skipped ahead with her, without me, and the shared activity never had it's same appeal again. Since then I haven't found anything private with him, and sometimes I feel like I'm just one of several in a revolving door of women that he does the exact same things with every week. Exclusivity IS important to me. There has to be something special between us, I feel. If it isn't love, and it isn't sex, that's fine. I'm not exclusive with those either. But I can be exclusive with SOMETHING for him. And without it I've started to feel like what we have isn't special. And because of that I've been pulling away, I guess. Not making as much of an effort when we aren't together. Not texting as much, or being short when I do. I haven't even been as open when we are together. A part of me feels blocked off. I don't think I feel safe investing more of my heart with George.
Which leaves Jose. Last week I almost broke things off. I'd been thinking of dropping the mono boys altogether after what happened with Luke. Admittedly I was coy about this. I should have been more direct. But I was out with Jose and, by way of trying to figure out where he stood so as to avoid another Luke disaster, I told him I was afraid of getting too attached to him in case he wasn't really okay with my being poly. He responded that he couldn't get too attached to me because I had a boyfriend. I flashed back to my situation with Luke and made an excuse to leave early. But later we talked about it - during the talk where I almost broke things off - and it turned out he'd had a misunderstand of my situation with George. He thought it was more like swinging. Once I explained, and also explained that I wasn't open to anything casual, he said he was actually open to more he just didn't realize it was an option.
Since then he's been more communicative, open, affectionate. And still I'm weary of him. I don't trust him. Won't let myself trust him. I'm constantly imagining that maybe he's just using me like Luke, and keeping myself pulled back just in case. Last night/this morning we finally had sex (we'd been having some ED issues which it now seems was anxiety related) and the night before, with a drink or two in me, I was able to actually let go and be happy in the moment. But this morning I felt myself deliberately shut down again.
It's worth noting that I have a history of abusive relationships and that I'm bi-polar. Emotional shutdowns where I literally can't feel anything aren't uncommon. But I don't think I'm depressed because this feeling doesn't transcend my romantic relationships. I think this is more of a defense mechanism because of what happened with Luke. Because I still miss Luke? If I weren't poly, I wouldn't be dating yet. I'd be at home, crying, watching Telemundo, eating fatty foods. But then if I weren't poly, I think, what would be stopping from being with Luke? But then I wouldn't have George, I think. And I love George, even though it's hard right now. I wouldn't want to lose him. Still, it is hard right now. I'm starting to doubt how significant a factor in my life the relationship can be, not because of US, but because of IT, the poly structure of the thing. And if George and I are limited by virtue of being poly, and being poly - and not solo poly, but already involved - is limiting my other relationships, potential and actual, then will I always feel empty like this? Not completely, mind you. Not time to fill up the tank empty. But just...I don't know...just shy of happy.
I'm having a lot of thoughts right now and I'm afraid my freelance writer alter ego took over toward the end there, but that's everything. Sigh. No advice required, but always appreciated.
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