Thank you for more info.
I'm going to give these people generic names. You change it if you want. I'll go with what you pick.
- Apple -- your partner
- Banana -- their wife
I could be wrong, but it sounds like you have overlapping things:
1) Banana doesn't want to be outted on social media.
2) Does Banana really wants to be doing open marraige/poly stuff?
3) You want to get to know Apple among their friends and family who are accepting of the poly thing.
- Apple also kinda blows off your concerns when you bring it up.
- Apple seems to pass the buck and blame it on Banana's social media discomfort rather than owning it as Apple's own discomfort.
4) You are getting tired of this behavior from Apple.
Is that about right?
I would like to correct that my partners wife isn’t accepting of our relationship but she’s in the process of working to get to that point of acceptance.
Is there a reason they did not do this couple work
before Apple starting dating you?
I would also like to put out that I do not post anything retaining my Relationship with my partner on social media out of respect for my partners wife. My partners wife and I are not friends on social media but do to her fear of people finding out she does not feel comfortable about it so I refrain from posting anything that will cause issues with my partner and I.
Fair enough. You decided to accommodate Banana this way for the time being. That one sounds solved enough for now then. You don't post things on social media about (you + Apple) and Banana doesn't fuss at you and Apple about it because there's nothing to fuss over.
It has been a struggle working through this with my partner (because my partners wife isn’t at the point where she’s ready to sit down and talk with me so any type of communication has been through my partner. )
I grey out the wife stuff. Sounds like you feel left out. You want to hang out with Apple's friends/family who know about you and have some shared moments with them too. Not always hanging out alone or with your family and friends.
Although Apple's friends and family seem accepting of you, Apple is not willing to invite you at this time. Has Apple explained WHY?
What's wrong with you and Apple getting some tacos with Apple's friend X?
- Apple gets low key -- just one other person. And not the whole fam at once in overwhelming mode.
- You get meeting one of Apple's people.
- Banana get's reassurance nothing is going on social media about it.
Like ease into it.
Anytime my partner and I spend time together it’s always alone with each other or my close friends and family. I’ve brought this issue up with my partner but she says that I’m thinking way into it and that social media isn’t a big deal and that I shouldn’t care or make such a big deal about it.
Why is your partner minimizing your concern when you bring it up?
Or deflecting and making it be about (Banana's social media fear) rather than staying on the actual topic of (why won't Apple bring you around their family/friends?)
It sounds like you just want to spend time with partner and their people. Like any other dating people would. You spending some time with some of their accepting friends/family is horrible to Apple because... why?
If Apple is doing "I can't do that, Banana won't let me" stuff? When really it is something APPLE struggles with but doesn't want to own?
I've seen that sort of thing end up with someone mad at the meta/spouse when really the problem is the
partner. It's the hinge not OWNING their choices.
Is any of that going on here? Like you blame Banana, but the problem is actually with Apple not taking responsibility for their own choices and then passing the buck?
I get making some accommodations for someone who is not ready to be out yet. But I really don't see how (Banana being afraid of being outted on social media) has anything to do with (you getting some quiet tacos with Apple and their buddy.)
If APPLE is uncomfortable bringing you around their people at this time? Apple could own it and say it straight rather than piling on this extra Banana stuff on. Then work through their discomfort. It's a new thing after all.
But don't blame the wife or minimize or wave away your concerns. That's not Apple being kind to either of you.
Its ok for you to say "Apple, I don't like it when you do ___ behavior. Could you please be willing to do ___ instead?"
It's part of learning how to be together and get along.
If that's
all it takes to "push them away?" Then you accept Apple's kind of a flimsy partner. Better to know sooner rather than later, I guess.
A lot has been going on with this being a new dynamic for all of us and I just want to make sure not to push my partner away. I know she loves me dearly but I also know that being stuck in the middle of both her partners has left her frustrated and feeling stuck.
It does not push your partner away to state
- how you want to be treated and the things you'd like to do
- what you will put up with
- what you will NOT put up with
- what temporary accommodations you are willing to do for others
- what temporary accommodations you would like for you
This is all part of getting to know each other and part of dating. Things will either line up or not as you discover how compatible you
actually are.
If it turns out Apple and Banana are not prepared to do poly, are too enmeshed,have couple problems, etc? Well, I guess you discover that too.
I have been willing to sit down and talk to my partners wife to make her feel more comfortable about all this but so far, nothing.
Well, you stated your willingness to talk to wife. That's all you can do for now.
However, my partners wife has asked that we be patient with her as she works her way through the confusion and feelings and that once she’s ready she will talk with me.. :/
What is she doing? Seeing a counselor? Doing a workbook? Doing some reflection?
Is there a time check? Like "I'm working on my stuff. If I don't get back to you with a progress update in 30 days, you can check in" or is this non-dated limbo for you? Like foot dragging?
You mentioned a small child. Is Apple the breadwinner and Banana a stay at home parent? Because if Banana doesn't really want to do poly but Apple has her over a financial barrel so she's just going along with it but not really wanting to... that adds other complications.
It just seems like my relationship with my partner is in the hands of her wife and it’s extremely frustrating.
It's actually in YOUR hands.
If they didn't do the necessary work before opening up the marriage and are putting cart before horse? Aren't doing the catch up work? And it's becoming a drag for you because APPLE is too enmeshed in Banana stuff and did not do
their work of detangling?
You decide if you are up for being along for that ride or if you want to get off the Apple bus. Because the dating offer Apple is offering you isn't so hot after all.
You could decide that initial love/attraction for Apple is not enough to make up for Apple's underpreparedness and whatever marriage weird that have going on with Banana.
You could say "Look, it seems like this was jumping the gun. You guys need to sort out your marriage stuff and whether or not you really want to do Open marriage first. Apple, I am interested in dating you, so look me up when you have it better sorted. But I don't want to be collateral damage just because you went in blind. "
You don't have to put yourself into a tight fitting box just because Apple didn't sort out their baggage first. YKWIM?
Or if you don't want to end it but need some more space away from their issues? Could change to a separate V for now, and stop trying to do kitchen table poly. Be respectful toward Banana, but firm about expecting same respect back.
- Expect them deal with their V side problems over THERE on that side of the V.
- And don't allow Apple to be leaking it over on THIS side of the V.
Be leery of "pass the buck" stuff -- like if Apple is going "well my wife doesn't want this or that..." when really it's about APPLE being willing/able. Esp when Apple is the only one talking and you don't get to talk to wife direct right now.
I've noticed sometimes newbie hinges try to keep everything afloat and make everyone else happy by doing that. Telling one partner one thing and another partner something else, so nobody is mad at THEM, the hinge.
When really? Some turbulence in a new undertaking
is to be expected, and HOW one deals with it is what matters. Straight up or all wonky.
Galagirl