Feelings of a hotwife's husband

[MrL85]

Hi all,

Just wanted to ask for advice really.

My wife and I have started in the hotwife lifestyle. We have been together for 17 years, and are pretty solid.

I asked for a 3way with another guy, which she agreed, but had to be someone she knew, but not someone close.

She has met up with the 3rd a number of times now for solo play. Once was a 3way, which after that, went back to the hotel with the 3rd for an hour. He has now agreed to once a month.

I have seen videos of the solo play and she seems very excited and doing things she wouldn't do with me, but saying the sex is just ok and it’s more the thrill of it, rather than the act itself.

They have been messaging daily, some explicit, some general chat.

My wife is saying there are no feelings there from either side, and it’s just sex.

The bits I’m struggling with are getting my head around the no feelings part, especially with the constant communication between the 2, and the fact it seems as if she is downplaying how good it is, saying she has to lay it on thick to make him feel good.

I’m not entirely sure what I feel, if it’s jealousy, anxiety, fear, etc.

I love the reclaiming bit and talking about it after. It’s the in-between that is getting to me.

Does anyone have any advice? Will this pass in time if we stay the course?

Thank you.

 

[GalaGirl]

I don't know if this helps you any. This is a polyamory board, not a hotwife one. So I can't really tell you about hotwife things.

The bits I’m struggling with are getting my head around the no feelings part, especially with the constant communication between the 2, and the fact it seems as if she is downplaying how good it is, saying she has to lay it on thick to make him feel good.

Regular sex with someone can lead to feelings.

Listening to your wife downplay either her feelings or the quality of sex, is not great for you.

Listening to your wife say how she lays it on thick with Dude is not going to make YOU feel good, because it leads to you wondering if she lays it on thick for YOU too.

Is this a case of you seeing things coming before your wife does? Or does your wife know, see, and lie to herself and/or you, about it? Or something else? You are in uncharted waters, since this whole thing is new to both of you.

I’m not entirely sure what I feel, if it’s jealousy, anxiety, fear, etc.

It could be a combination of things.

My wife is saying there are no feelings there from either side, and it’s just sex.

Maybe that's true, for now. But if this continues, and they grow feelings over time, would you be up for changing to actual polyamory, or not so much? Is that a dealbreaker for you? Maybe this is something you and your wife need to talk about before this goes on longer. You are responsible for your own emergency-preparedness.

Galagirl

 

[dingedheart]

She has met up with the 3rd a number of times now for solo play. Once was a 3way, which after that, went back to the hotel with the 3rd for an hour. He has now agreed to once a month.

I have seen videos of the solo play, and she seems very excited and doing things she wouldn’t do with me, but saying the sex is just ok and it’s more the thrill of it, rather than the act itself.

What was the goal, expectation, or purpose of getting into hotwifing? So she could have ok or average sex with guys she sort of knew, graduating up to bad sex with rando guys?

Whose idea was this, yours or hers?

They have been messaging daily, some explicit, some general chat.

My wife is saying there are no feelings there from either side, and it’s just sex.

BULLSHIT

Sorry, but it doesn’t track, from my experience. Millions of swingers out there can testify how hard it is to keep feelings out.

The bits I’m struggling with are getting my head around the no feelings part, especially with the constant communication between the 2, and the fact it seems as if she is downplaying how good it is, saying she has to lay it on thick to make him feel good.

Clearly the no-feelings thing must have been stipulated, and she’s trying to protect herself and you.

I’m not entirely sure what I feel, if it’s jealousy, anxiety, fear, etc.

I think you’re feeling reality. Trying to control her feelings before, during and after sex is impossible, just like controlling your own feelings about the aftermath.

I love the reclaiming bit and talking about it after, it’s the in-between that is getting to me.

Get a hobby or find your own lover to concentrate on something other than what she’s doing.

Does anyone have any advice? Will this pass in time if we stay the course?

I’m sure if it doesn’t break you, it will pass in time. I think you need to adjust your expectations on a number of things.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MrL85,

It sounds like you are okay with her having sex with another man, but you do not want her to share feelings with another man, such as falling in love. She has violated this agreement, and is trying to smooth it over with you.

You also are okay with her having another man while you are present, but you do not want her to have another man while you are not around. You are feeling something but you don't know whether it's jealousy, anxiety, fear, or what.

Sit down with your wife and have a long talk.
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

I moved your thread to the Fireplace section because it seems as if the agreement you and Wife have is to not develop feelings, not fall in love.

Polyamory means "many loves." Feelings of fondness and love are the whole point. Sex is secondary (but a great benefit, of course). Polyamory doesn't include hotwifing, voyeurism, exhibitionism and the like. I'm not judging your kink. I am just informing you of the difference.

 

[Kristin]

Honestly. ... How can people actually expect that no feelings will occur during sex? It's the most intimate thing one can do with someone else. If there's sex..... you'd definitely feel something. Don't accept sex if you can't accept feelings.

Have a nice weekend.