Figuring myself out

foxflame88

foxflame88

New member
For years, I have been forcing myself to be someone I am not, and hiding who I really feel I am. I've had numerous relationships with men who preferred monogamy, including two failed marriages. (Divorced once, planning to file for divorce again soon.) As a bi-poly woman, monogamy has been less than easy, and at times impossible. I've hidden my preferences for fear of reactions from family and friends.

In recent months, I've done some soul searching and realized that to be happy, I need to stop hiding who I am and what/whom makes me happy. Of course, the biggest issue currently is breaking this to my current husband. He does not yet know, but from past conversations, I know he will not be accepting or supportive, meaning divorce is inevitable.

If anyone has words of advice or encouragement, I'd greatly appreciate them. I'm happy to answer any questions you might have of me.
 
foxflame88 said:
In recent months, I've done some soul searching and realized that to be happy, I need to stop hiding who I am and what/whom makes me happy.
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If he married you because he loves you for everything you are, then the above might be the best way to put it. I don't think it was fair to keep your thoughts from him, if in fact you were aware of them before you got married. This means he has been cheated out of a real relationship, made worse by the fact that he has married an illusion of a person he thought he knew, not to mention that you have cheated yourself out of a real relationship and have chosen fantasy over reality.

There's only one way to go, as far as I can see-- to get on with telling him your thoughts and moving towards the life you deserve to have for yourself, one of honesty and proper communication, regardless of what happens to your marriage. You never know, it might bring you closer if you let him know that you want to be up front and honest, because you love him.
 
Unfortunately, we do not live in a society where people grow up thinking that non-monogamy is a real option for the long term. It is very similar to how homosexual relationships were not really accepted, so people tried to force themselves to fit the social model they were taught (monogamous heterosexuality, with an occasional divorce).

I have heard many stories of people becoming poly or accepting their poly nature. He may or may not accept it. A lot depends on how he sees his relationship with you. If you can approach it in a way that says that he is not losing anything from you, he may learn to accept it. Maybe try to get him to read some polyamory literature, and try to get him to hold off judgement until he has. I don't know the success rate of this approach, but I know it has worked for some people who never thought it would work.
 
foxflame88 said:
Of course, the biggest issue currently is breaking this to my current husband. He does not yet know, but from past conversations, I know he will not be accepting/supportive, meaning divorce is inevitable.
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You might be surprised. I recently had to have a similar discussion with my wife. I was terrified of how she was going to react, and I had the same fears as you. Her reaction was completely the opposite of what I was expecting.

I found that a lot of it had to do with how it was presented. Instead of just jumping right in like a splash of cold water, I eased into the conversation over the span of several days. There was kind of already someone else that I had developed feelings for, after being really close friends, and in the course of the conversation, we discussed how her being in my life had strengthened the relationship between my wife and me, and how it was a positive thing for both of us. Instead of driving us apart, it has brought us closer than we have ever been before.

Everyone's situation is different, but being honest with yourself and with those you care about is important. When or if you decide to broach the subject with him, you have to expect some insecurity on his part. While it is important that you make your needs known, keep in mind his needs, as well. It will go a long way to his understanding, by making him feel secure and helping him to understand that it is not about him not being good enough, and that it is not about him having done something wrong.
 
Feeling for you

I am not sure why I am posting a reply. Lord knows that I am quite a jam myself! Yet, the best that I can offer is simply my support and hope that when the time comes for you to have that talk, that things between you two will turn out to the good.

Now, what exactly "to the good" means, I am not sure. Our hearts were never installed with on and off switches. If anything, it seems more like our hearts are garage doors and that the gods have mischievously tossed out an uncertain number of working remotes into the populace. And that at random, should we be near, they click that button and just leave us stripped bare and open (in the most amazing of ways).

I pray that your husband may come to accept your feelings, at the least, accept and maybe even understand. Whether he chooses to continue on with you in your life, however, will, of course, have to be a choice that he will have to come to terms with. I am certain that if you could still have your husband and include the others of your heart, you would. Take care of yourself, fox.
 
Baby steps, right?

So the husband and I have been talking. He now knows I am very unhappy and want out of the marriage, and I admitted to him that I've been with someone else. "Someone else" being my poly lover. I have yet to tell him the extent of this new relationship, as he said he doesn't want to know. I also have yet to admit my being bi. But alas, baby steps. *sigh* One hurdle at a time.
 
People change. As you yourself have come to realize, you want something else, perhaps your husband does too, Keep talking, keep taking bigger steps. You won't know for sure what he has to say until you let him respond to what you've said.

Maybe he will surprise you, You never know. But even if he doesn't, and he does decide you being poly is not for him, he still needs to know and you need to stop hiding, mainly from yourself. Polyamory is very often not easy, but if it's truly what you want, fight for it. The ones out there meant for you are waiting and will accept all of you, but you have to stop hiding so they can find you.

Tell your hubby. Let him decide if he's open to seeing where this takes you, or not, and stop hiding. Be who you're meant to be.
 
vampiresscammy said:
If it's truly what you want, fight for it. Tell your hubby. Let him decide if he's open to seeing where this takes you. Stop hiding. Be who you're meant to be.
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I'm not hiding anymore. The hubby knows of my poly nature. I told him there is someone else and he cracked a joke about being "willing to share" me. Of course, that was my springboard. While he jokes, he can share, he truly doesn't want to, nor do I expect it. I told him I want out of the marriage and he is giving me time to think about that before we definitely go that route. In the meantime, it's don't ask, don't tell. He wants no details about who I am with or when.

As for finding who is meant for me, that's already happened. :)
 
An update:

Since my last post, my husband and I have talked EVERYTHING through. He knows everything I've been hiding from him. I regret that I did, but I'm glad it's all in the open. As I knew would happen, he really couldn't handle sharing me, and that's ok. We have mutually decided to divorce amicably for the sake of the kids. We are still living together as a family unit for the kids' benefit, but we are persuing seperate social/romantic relationships that make each of us happy.
 
Sorry to hear you couldn't find a way to stay married, but I am happy to see that you are amicable. Yeah to being mature, Foxflame!
There's a fair number of people deciding to cohabitate in separation and divorce, it seems. My sister did it. Redpepper's other partner does that as well.

Take care.
 
Sorry the marriage isn't going to work, but congratulations on being up-front and honest with your husband. And good for him, too, for choosing amicability. There are a lot of cases where a good divorce works better for all involved than a bad marriage.
 
What a great thought

Fidelia said:
There are a lot of cases where a good divorce works better for all involved than a bad marriage.
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As someone who worked in divorce law (divorce scares the hell outta me because of what I saw), I really wish that I'd learned that quote while I was working in the field.
 
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