Finding my place as the newer partner in a complex (semi?) poly dynamic

[Cava]

Hi everyone,

I’m in a poly relationship with a man I’ve been seeing for almost two years. He’s been in a long-term (10-year) relationship with another partner. It was always officially “open,” but for the first eight years they didn’t really talk about other connections. From what I understand, it functioned a lot like an unspoken primary relationship. A couple of years ago, they agreed not to define themselves as primaries anymore – and according to him, their relationship is now more platonic – but it still feels very central and defining in his life.

I’ve spoken with him openly about all of this, and we’ve agreed to simply try things and see how they evolve. But I find myself circling back to two difficult places:

First, I don’t have a clear sense of what kind of space is truly available for me – emotionally, practically, relationally – when so much energy still seems bound up in his long-term connection (even if it’s no longer romantic).

Second, his other partner wants zero contact with me – not even to hear my name. They live in a kind of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” dynamic. I respect her boundaries, but this setup leaves me feeling invisible and peripheral – like a hidden part of his life – when I actually want to live non-monogamy openly and with integrity.

I’m also a single parent to a young child, which means my time and emotional bandwidth are limited. I do have two other (looser) connections, but this relationship in particular matters deeply to me. I feel something real here, and I’d love to find a way to build something meaningful and stable – if that’s even possible in this structure.

So I’m reaching out to ask:
– Has anyone been in a similar position as the newer partner, alongside a long-standing connection?
– What helped you navigate the emotional complexity, especially when there was little clarity or contact with a metamour?
– Are there inner mindsets, boundaries, or reframing tools that helped you find peace or direction?

I’m not looking for exclusivity or hierarchy – just a sense of grounding, belonging, and visibility. I’d really appreciate any insights or experiences you’re willing to share.

 

[FeralGeek]

First, I don’t have a clear sense of what kind of space is truly available for me – emotionally, practically, relationally – when so much energy still seems bound up in his long-term connection (even if it’s no longer romantic).

Don't settle for unclear answers on this: your partner should be able to define what is available to you and if they cannot, that is not your problem. It's not unreasonable to expect clear answers and "speaking openly" isn't the same as getting answers.

Second, his other partner wants zero contact with me – not even to hear my name. They live in a kind of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” dynamic. I respect her boundaries, but this setup leaves me feeling invisible and peripheral – like a hidden part of his life – when I actually want to live non-monogamy openly and with integrity.

This is unhealthy. This is not ENM or poly, this is "what I don't know can't hurt me." I would not respect those boundaries because they aren't functional, non-monogamous rules of engagement, they're defense mechanisms. You ARE hidden and that is entirely on purpose.

I’m also a single parent to a young child, which means my time and emotional bandwidth are limited.

Same (plus one additional child). Respect your own priorities. You deserve someone who is as clear and open with what they are offering as you clearly are.

– Are there inner mindsets, boundaries, or reframing tools that helped you find peace or direction?

Therapy is so huge for maintaining any healthy relationship, let alone the big, complex ones. Unfortunately, a lot of mindsets, boundaries, and reframing tools usually end up in standing up for yourself and potentially kicking this guy to the curb. Personally, I doesn't sound like he's gonna be willing to change much and his partner will absolutely not, so its their way or the highway with this one.

 

[Magdlyn]

I'm not sure what kind of feedback to give, since you've already been with this guy for two years. It seems to me it's gone beyond "trying it on for size" by this point? You must know where you stand, as the "hidden figure" or " other woman," perhaps brought in to provide a romantic/sexual service, but nothing more.

I see a dead end here, with their DADT policy, as far as riding any higher up the relationship escalator. If you want a relationship with more, you'll probably need to seek it elsewhere.

 

[Evie]

Since it's DADT, who would contact you in case of emergency? If he's suddenly hospitalised, would you be told? Be able to visit? Or would you be expected to still stay out of sight until he's better?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Cava,

It sounds like you are in a half-hidden poly situation, you are not allowed to be in contact with his other partner. It sounds like the poly part is hierarchical. She is more important to him than you, I mean circumstances just dictate that it has to be that way.

I have been the newer partner, my partner was/is legally/lawfully married to the other partner (her husband). I did feel like it was hierarchical for a few years, but I have to say it got better, today I no longer feel like second place. I should add that the three of us live together, that's part of the equation. Also I should add that we're kitchen table, far from any DADT situation. But as I said, our situation improved over the years, I think we just learned how to accommodate each other.

I hope this helps,
Kevin T.

 

[Cava]

Thank you so much, Magdlyn, for your thoughtful and very precise response, it really resonated with me. And thanks as well to everyone else who took the time to comment here. I find your perspectives incredibly valuable.

Yes, I agree that having children makes us even more aware of our own priorities. I have been in therapy for quite a while now, and over the past two years – while also processing the ending of a 15-year monogamous relationship that unfortunately turned toxic towards the end – I’ve learned so much about myself. I also understand clearly that there are reasons why I found myself in this dynamic.

The good news is that I notice how much easier it has become for me to set boundaries and express my needs. That feels empowering, and I am able to do this in my current partnership. I also feel that, even if only in small steps, my partner does take these things on board and is willing to change, even if at a very slow pace.

The reason I am still in this relationship is that he keeps showing me that he wants to change, that he wants to find clarity about what he truly wants, and that he also wants to continue and deepen our relationship. He openly acknowledges being an avoidant attachment type and knows he has work to do. We now have our first one-week trip together ahead of us, and we’ve also talked about him meeting my child. So there are indeed signs of moving up the relationship escalator together.

Thanks to your feedback, it has become even clearer to me that I have every right to insist on living an open, transparent form of non-monogamy with him. I wasn’t sure how a DADT rule is common in ENM. I can see how good it feels for me to speak openly with the other people I’m dating, and I want this same level of transparency with him too. I know I cannot force him or his metamour to move out of their defense mechanisms but that, in the end, might be exactly where my boundary lies.

I think I am now at the point where I will give him a choice: either he finds clarity and invites his other partner into a truly open poly model, or I will step away, because I find this journey into non-monogamy exciting and don’t want to live it in secrecy and shadows. The important part is: I no longer see myself as the problem (like “you should be fine not to know all and be on your own mostly”).

So, thank you all again for your generous and thoughtful feedback. Let’s see how this continues. I might come back to share an update. I am happy for any advice or shared experience. So great to have this forum!

 

[kdt26417]

It sounds like things are slowly getting better, hang in there. Keep sticking up for your rights, you do not have to be "the dirty little secret." DADT is not generally recommended in poly. If he won't do something to correct that state of affairs, you have every right to step away.

 

[FeralGeek]

Well, I’m relieved. Sounds like you’ll be fine. Happy to have you around and looking forward to those updates!

 

[KND]

From my current-day perspective, I would echo most of what others have said. It seems you have taken these ideas and created a path forward. Best wishes.

In your original post, you asked if anyone has been in this situation. I have been. In fact, I was the 'him' part of your story. For short context, see my related post. I may have a useful perspective even if my story is slightly different.

I ended up in an accidental FMF V. Well, it was of my own making which was no accident. Stupid and ignorant but no accident. The poly part was the accident. In any case, I/we maintained this V for five years. The two ends of the V knew about each other from almost the start and it all quickly became similar to what you describe. My GF was invisible, unseen, hated. My wife was catered to, pacified. I was tortured by both. OTH, when I was with GF, we were very happy, great sex, fun, engaged. I wasn't willing to give that up nor was I willing to walk away from my marriage. This is what led to my torture. My GF is gone now. I do continue to interact occasionally with then wife as we have other connections with family and such.

I am glad to be out of that grinder. It may have worked out differently had the three of us been able to talk. That just never was possible, and I was a big part of the problem by not acknowledging GF in a real way (nor my wife for that matter) and by not knowing my own boundaries.

I think you are on the right track with setting boundaries for what you will accept. That's all any of us can do, really. The other two in your case need to do the same, in my opinion. Pulling from my experience, your 'him' certainly should do this even if only for his own sake.

 

[Cava]

From my current-day perspective, I would echo most of what others have said. It seems you have taken these ideas and created a path forward. Best wishes.

In your original post, you asked if anyone has been in this situation. I have been. In fact, I was the 'him' part of your story. For short context, see my related post. I may have a useful perspective even if my story is slightly different.

I ended up in an accidental FMF V. Well, it was of my own making which was no accident. Stupid and ignorant but no accident. The poly part was the accident. In any case, I/we maintained this V for five years. The two ends of the V knew about each other from almost the start and it all quickly became similar to what you describe. My GF was invisible, unseen, hated. My wife was catered to, pacified. I was tortured by both. OTH, when I was with GF, we were very happy, great sex, fun, engaged. I wasn't willing to give that up nor was I willing to walk away from my marriage. This is what led to my torture. My GF is gone now. I do continue to interact occasionally with then wife as we have other connections with family and such.

I am glad to be out of that grinder. It may have worked out differently had the three of us been able to talk. That just never was possible, and I was a big part of the problem by not acknowledging GF in a real way (nor my wife for that matter) and by not knowing my own boundaries.

I think you are on the right track with setting boundaries for what you will accept. That's all any of us can do, really. The other two in your case need to do the same, in my opinion. Pulling from my experience, your 'him' certainly should do this even if only for his own sake.

Hi KND,
I just wanted to come back and thank you, even if it’s been quite a while since your comment. Your story stayed with me, and I’ve thought about it many times since. It moved me deeply, not just because of the emotional intensity, but because I saw so many parallels to my own situation.
Back then, your honesty and vulnerability helped me feel less alone and more encouraged to stay clear about my needs and boundaries.
A lot has happened in my relationship since then – and I’ll share an update in a post soon for anyone interested. Things have evolved in many ways, some of them positive, but it’s still very much a journey. That’s why I find myself returning to your words again now, with a question that’s been on my mind.
You wrote that one of the hardest parts was not knowing or naming your own boundaries and that really stuck with me.
If you feel okay sharing: What were those boundaries, in retrospect? What do you think you could have said or done at the time, not to control the situation, but to take better care of yourself, and maybe avoid the kind of loss that eventually followed?

I’m asking because I see my current partner in a very similar place: emotionally split, not wanting to lose the safety of a long-term connection (even without much passion), and yet feeling deeply moved and challenged by what we’re building together. I know I can’t walk this for him. But I would love to understand better what you now know so that I can at least understand the terrain a little more clearly.
Thanks again, truly, for what you shared. It meant a lot.

 

[Cava]

Hi everyone,
I wanted to share a quick update, especially since I received so much support and clarity from this forum a few months ago. Your thoughtful comments and shared experiences really helped me speak up for myself and stay grounded in what I need. Thank you again for that! Honestly, it’s something I miss in real life. I live in a large, diverse city, but as a single parent with limited time, I find it hard to connect with local poly communities. So I’m very grateful for this space.

Since my last post, a lot has happened. Encouraged by this forum, I’ve told my partner more clearly and more frequently that I can’t live as someone’s hidden partner, that I need to be seen, included, and not feel like a secret. I told him that I can’t continue in the long run if I remain invisible to his friends, if his long-term partner continues to avoid knowing anything about me, or if I’m structurally sidelined. At the same time, I also opened up to my ex-husband and told him I’m now in a committed relationship, and I shared that with my partner, too. I believe that moment had a real impact.

Also, we had a week trip planned, and something finally shifted: my partner told his long-term partner more about me, including what I mean to him, and that he was about to meet my child. She apparently took it well, and even mentioned she was also dating, which came as a surprise to him. I feel genuinely relieved to hear that she finally knows more about me, even if we’re still far from a fully open triangle.

She still doesn’t want to know my name, and I continue to express my wish to meet her at some point. I don’t want full entanglement, but some degree of acknowledgement would change a lot. I often feel that she still holds structural privilege in his life – greeting him at the airport, celebrating birthdays, family connections – while I hold the emotional intimacy, but not the practical presence. That imbalance is hard for me.

Still, a big milestone: He’s now met my child, and we spent our first full week together on a beautiful vacation. That was also a big step for him. His long-term partner knew about it, which I also appreciated.

At the same time, I still wonder: can this truly become a stable poly dynamic? They both seem to have rather avoidant communication styles, and to struggle with openness. I keep asking myself if this is really polyamory… or just attachment avoidance wrapped in a poly label?

Recently, I told him that I wished to build something that feels like a primary partnership, not in a hierarchical sense, but in terms of safety, consistency, shared life. I've noticed in other dating situations with men that I enjoy the connection, but can’t fully let go emotionally. So maybe, deep down, I’m not poly in the full sense. Perhaps what fits me better is non-monogamy with openness, but grounded in one committed core relationship?

I shared all of this with him. He got scared, worried that I might end the relationship because he can’t give me what I ask for. But the truth is: we’re still here. Still in love. Still figuring it out. We’ve agreed to continue with more integration, more presence, more visibility…. Let's see. I honestly don’t know yet if he’s truly poly or just avoiding conflict and commitment. But I want to find out.

And I’m still open to any of your experiences:
Have you navigated something similar in a triad-ish setup with a long-term connection and a newer partner? What made it work (or not)?
When did you know whether someone was truly capable of living open and transparent polyamory?

Thanks again to this community for existing. It really means a lot.

 

[KND]

Hi KND,
I just wanted to come back and thank you, even if it’s been quite a while since your comment. Your story stayed with me, and I’ve thought about it many times since. It moved me deeply, not just because of the emotional intensity, but because I saw so many parallels to my own situation.
Back then, your honesty and vulnerability helped me feel less alone and more encouraged to stay clear about my needs and boundaries.
A lot has happened in my relationship since then – and I’ll share an update in a post soon for anyone interested. Things have evolved in many ways, some of them positive, but it’s still very much a journey. That’s why I find myself returning to your words again now, with a question that’s been on my mind.
You wrote that one of the hardest parts was not knowing or naming your own boundaries and that really stuck with me.
If you feel okay sharing: What were those boundaries, in retrospect? What do you think you could have said or done at the time, not to control the situation, but to take better care of yourself, and maybe avoid the kind of loss that eventually followed?

I’m asking because I see my current partner in a very similar place: emotionally split, not wanting to lose the safety of a long-term connection (even without much passion), and yet feeling deeply moved and challenged by what we’re building together. I know I can’t walk this for him. But I would love to understand better what you now know so that I can at least understand the terrain a little more clearly.
Thanks again, truly, for what you shared. It meant a lot.

You are welcome, especially from the standpoint that you were able to glean some benefit from my sharing. I benefit from the sharing too, in that doing so openly on this site has helped me to understand and reconcile a very hard time in my life (which ironically was one of the happiest times to that point). I can't share my story with others without being honest with myself.

It sounds like you are in a very different place today. A better place, but one that still has a few things to be worked through. The fact that you are able to talk and move around in a more authentic way is huge. It took me a long time to: 1. realize how important authenticity is (not honesty or truthfulness, I see these as different yet also important), 2. gain the courage to insist on my own authenticity, and 3. insist on authenticity for all of my relationships (the new ones anyway. I have a few hang-overs).

I figure without authenticity, I cannot have the deepest relationships. Insisting on authenticity may very well be the end of the relationship. I have decided that gaining fully awesome relationships is worth losing the fair ones. That is, authenticity is a good stress test.

Re:

What were those boundaries, in retrospect? What do you think you could have said or done at the time, not to control the situation, but to take better care of yourself, and maybe avoid the kind of loss that eventually followed?

Boundaries: well, I had boundary issues well before the MFM stuff. I am very willing to share more in response to your questions. I will have to think it over, however. Another example of how my sharing helps me gain perspective too.

More to come.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Cava,

Thanks for your update, it sounds like things have gotten ever so slightly better, I don't know, maybe your next step would be for his other partner to know your name. There's something very fundamental about that concept, your name is a key part of who you are, and erasing it is like erasing you. I'm sure this would be a change that would come about painstakingly slowly, but it is one to consider, maybe your partner could raise the idea with his other partner. Hang in there, piecemeal progress is being made.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Jeambo]

Congratulations for your progress!

Have you navigated something similar in a triad-ish setup with a long-term connection and a newer partner? What made it work (or not)?

I was the hinge in a semi-hidden poly setup. My ex was the long-term, or "primary" partner, and he didn't want to meet any of my poly lovers. It was mainly about jealousy. I didn't want to lose him, so I compromised.

Seems a similar story, but we never do the DADT thing. We don't lie to ourselves, pretending nothing happens ... But it really hurts him every time he knows about my "affairs" and what I did with them. So...

So at last I lost my primary partner and all my poly lovers because I can't satisfy any of them.

My poly lovers don't want to be just a comet lover - they want to be a partner. In China we see partner as a part of "family", where your heart and identity belongs, and obviously you can only have one family, so they wanted to get in while my ex wanted them to get out.

The only perfect solution is that I get out. No one is happy in this situation but that means no one build their own happiness on others' suffering. That's totally ethical. No one plays the bad guy.

I wish to build something that feels like a primary partnership, not in a hierarchical sense, but in terms of safety, consistency, shared life. I noticed in other dating situations with men that I enjoy the connection but can’t fully let go emotionally. So maybe, deep down, I’m not poly in the full sense. Perhaps what fits me better is non-monogamy with openness, but grounded in one committed core relationship?

Safety, consistency, shared life... I would say those things are really "primary-partner-y". They are the "family" thing. If you really achieved them you would be one of the primary partners (or just the one) , and if that happens, what would you do if he's got another girl like you and that girl desires exactly the things that you wanted?

He got scared, worried that I might end the relationship because he can’t give me what I ask for.

Maybe what he need is exactly a secondary partner, and he don't admit because he avoids conflict with you (or even he doesn't know his need very clearly)?

if this is really polyamory… or just attachment avoidance wrapped in a poly label?

Maybe the avoidance thing is exact thing that keeps their relationship working, because keeping silence frees them from endless fighting... White water rafting is really exciting but now they need peace and safety more.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm glad things are a bit better for you since the original post. FWIW, this stuck out to me.

I feel genuinely relieved to hear that she finally knows more about me, even if we’re still far from a fully open triangle.

What do you mean by "fully open triangle?" Would you please be willing to clarify?

Is it like you, he and she are all aware this is polyamory, and that he's a hinge, and he's seeing you both? You have that. (Even if, in their dyad, it sounds more like them dragging out a break-up, to me. They are "exes and friends" who don't want to call it that. It seems kinda weird. But, eh. People do weird things.)

Or like you, he, and she can all date other people? You have that.

Or is it something else?

She still doesn’t want to know my name. I continue to express my wish to meet her at some point. I don’t want full entanglement, but some degree of acknowledgement would change a lot.

You could examine that. Why do you keep expressing this wish? Isn't it expressing it once enough? And if the other party is not into it, you accept and let it go?

Like, if you keep saying to want to get lunch with a coworker, and that coworker just doesn't want to do lunch with you, and never follows up, and says vaguely, "That's nice of you..." do you take the hint and let it go, or do keep on talking about getting lunch together?

Is it that you wanted garden-party or kitchen-table polyamory, and she wants parallel polyamory? You can build garden party or KTP at YOUR table without her.

Do you actually need acknowledgement from HER, or to actually know HER? Or do you want acknowledgement from HIM, and for HIM to include you in his friends and family and stop hiding you?

You aren't hidden from her. She knows you exist. You just are not pals. It sounds like she wants parallel poly. Or maybe she doesn't see the point in getting to know you, because she's fading out of his life.

I often feel that she still holds structural privilege in his life – greeting him at the airport, celebrating birthdays, family connections – while I hold the emotional intimacy, but not the practical presence. That imbalance is hard for me.

She doesn't hold it from the sky.

• He asks her to get him at the airport. He does not ask you.
• He chooses to celebrate his birthday with just her, when he could do multiple b'day celebrations.
• He invites her to his family things. He does not invite you.

If you want to share in those things, you could ask him to include you. Then he either does or doesn't invite you. Next you take note on whether his talk of wanting more integration with you aligns with his actual behaviors. Or if he's all talk and no show.

At the same time, I still wonder: can this truly become a stable poly dynamic?

You have been together 2 years. NRE lasts 6-24 mos. So it's stable and initially compatible enough. Now, in this new stage, it is more about figuring out if this is DEEPLY compatible.

They both seem to have rather avoidant communication styles, and to struggle with openness. I keep asking myself if this is really polyamory… or just attachment avoidance wrapped in a poly label?

Gently, I think you are a bit too wrapped up in them and their avoidant communication styles. You don't date her, and you are not pals. So you could give yourself permission to stop caring about how she feels or how she runs her life.

Deal with the one you actually date -- HIM. He sounds like he's trying to improve on his avoidance/avoidant communication. This is you poly-dating a guy in progress. You get to decide if his progress/work in progress is good enough for you, or not.

Recently, I told him that I wished to build something that feels like a primary partnership, not in a hierarchical sense, but in terms of safety, consistency, shared life. I've noticed in other dating situations with men that I enjoy the connection, but can’t fully let go emotionally. So maybe, deep down, I’m not poly in the full sense. Perhaps what fits me better is non-monogamy with openness, but grounded in one committed core relationship?

I think you might be a little too caught up in labels.

Look at it again.

Recently, I told him that I wished to build something that feels like a primary partnership, not in a hierarchical sense, but in terms of safety, consistency, shared life.

What's wrong with wanting a partnership that feels safe, is consistent, and sharing a life together? Nothing.

The sentence works without all those labels. And you can get on with building it, rather than getting caught up in side quests, like, "Is this poly enough? Am I poly enough?"

As for the other connections? Not all your poly connections have to be super deep and entangled. It's still polyamory. But if you aren't really feeling it with some of those, break up. Don't drag it out.

I shared all of this with him. He got scared, worried that I might end the relationship because he can’t give me what I ask for.

So you both shared honestly, including the less fun feelings. You had a moment of mental and emotional intimacy. Nothing wrong with that.

While he is a person in progress right now, if he cannot give you what you ask for in the end, he is right. You might get tired one day and decide to build it elsewhere. But he could do the same. Nobody has to be there if they no longer consent to be there. That's just life.

For now, you choose to stay. He chooses to stay. So... be glad you like each other and are chugging along?

It's okay for him to feel his full adult feelings. Same for you. Nobody has to pretend. Emotional honesty is a good ingredient in a strong foundation.

But the truth is: we’re still here. Still in love. Still figuring it out. We’ve agreed to continue with more integration, more presence, more visibility…. Let's see. I honestly don’t know yet if he’s truly poly, or just avoiding conflict and commitment. But I want to find out.

Well, he's not dating anyone but you, and his former partner is more like an ex/platonic close friend. But he's okay with you poly-dating him and other connections.

So again... look at it without the poly-label stuff. That's what you do in your poly relationships anyway -- look at each partner/dyad you have with them, separate from your other dating partners. You aren't trying to "jigsaw puzzle" a whole partner from pieces of each one. Each one has to be a whole partner on their own and be compatible enough for you to keep dating them.

But the truth is: we’re still here. Still in love. Still figuring it out. We’ve agreed to continue with more integration, more presence, more visibility…. Let's see. I honestly don’t know yet if he’s truly poly or just avoiding conflict and commitment. But I want to find out.

You could assess him as just HIM and stop worrying about the poly labels.

Does he still make the cut for what you seek in a healthy dating partner, or not? If yes, keep going and assess again next semester/next year. If no, ask for changes in behavior, or bow out politely.

Have you navigated something similar in a triad-ish setup with a long-term connection and a newer partner? What made it work (or not)?

Honestly, this is not even a poly V, to me.

• It's you dating him and poly-dating others.
• It is him dating you. He is free to date other people. He just isn't yet.
• And his ex is living her life dating other people. It's just that neither she nor he call her his "ex and friend," and neither do you. You keep calling her your "metamour," when she really isn't. She's his ex and friend. And because those two are avoidant, they are dragging this out/avoiding naming it what it is. That doesn't have to be your problem.

After 2 years? You are not new. You are an established partner.

I wouldn't get too tangled up in him and his ex doing their thing. They are no longer dating/romantic and want to transition into "exes and friends" WITHOUT doing a period of "plain exes that don't talk" first to heal and reset their expectations. That's kinda messy to me, but people can make their own choices. To me it sounds like they are muddling along and still working out what that looks like. That's all their deal to solve on that side. Not anything you have to deal with.

You also know too much about them. So stop asking. If he's oversharing things from that side over on to you? Tell him to stop. You are not his free relationship coach/free therapist. Is he working with a counselor on his avoidance stuff?

When did you know whether someone was truly capable of living open and transparent polyamory?

You seem to have open and transparent polyamory already. All the dating parties (him, you, your other poly dating partners) know and consent. Even his ex knows, and she's not a dating partner anymore.

What you seem to want is relationship-escalator stuff, to have a more secure place in his life, and be more integrated in it. Like, knowing him and his other friends and family, and him knowing you and your other friends and family. Maybe moving towards living together. I don't know.

You might look at the relationship menu together.

https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/pwkdxp/v3_relationship_components_menu_last_update_for

Focus more on what you need from this dyad with him. That's my suggestion.

Galagirl

 

[KND]

If you feel okay sharing: What were those boundaries, in retrospect?

Cava- I have been thinking this over. An immediate and clear answer was unavailable previously. Keep in mind that my perspective in your situation is that of Him. I doubt this is any sort of 1-1 perspective, but I do recognize myself in His behavior.

For what it may be worth:
(Bullets for simplicity and clarity)

• My boundary issues were not not-having any boundaries but were related to specific people. In the FMF V, that person was mostly Lychee (wife). I was a wide open vessel that became very susceptible to and unaware of manipulation. In hindsight, I realize I gave certain 'trusted' people free-run. This was a poor practice for everyone involved (good fences make good neighbors)
• I also had poor boundaries with Pear (gf), although, that was the fun part for a while. Then, it turned into even more free-run manipulation which put me in the middle of two manipulators--- this was what I refer to as torture/grinder
• For Lychee, the boundaries I didn't have were often micro (like little control over my body and personal space). Example- being 'forced' to hold hands. Part of the conflict was that I began to realize my lack of personal control and took action to change which led to harsh push-back even for small things. That harsh push-back came from me and Lychee to one another. I pushed hard to set a boundary. She pushed to challenge it. We had many many 'talks' about these things; we may as well have been talking to a cement block
• Also, for Lychee, my lack of boundaries were macro. Example- Lychee demanded I have no connection to anyone else. Even non-romantic connections more or less. Non-connected sex was professed to be acceptable (although, it wasn't really). No feelings allowed ever!! I tried to exert a boundary on this, but there was no chance of that at the time, and the consequences for trying were severe
• Eventually, as things got more tense and time passed, Pear started pressing her own 'boundaries' for me by manipulating my lack of boundaries
• Boundaries I lacked- personal space (physical and mental), control over one's thoughts and feelings, acting on the wishes of these two even when against my better judgement, a set of personally held boundaries to maintain autonomy: Kev's Rules for Himself
• My lack of boundaries led to a lack of living with authenticity (see last post above). It has taken 10+ years since these times to feel as though I have life-authenticity, and I am still not where I want to be

What do you think you could have said or done at the time, not to control the situation, but to take better care of yourself, and maybe avoid the kind of loss that eventually followed?

• No doubt, if I had been in a stronger place with better boundaries and authenticity, things would have turned out differently- at least easier. I did what I could, and, eventually, what I had to do which led to the end of everything over a heart-breaking period of time. I think this was my only option given my personal place at the time and the other characters in the 'passion play' (not that I truly have a Jesus complex). So, ultimately, the loss and pain were unavoidable. A price to be paid. A portion of the bill is still outstanding
• You said"not to control the situation, but to take better care of yourself,"- I made a lot of mistakes that could have made a difference, but this may be the biggest one. I tried to control the situation to mitigate damage while trying to develop, implement, and hold my new boundaries. It would have been better for me to tend to myself and leave the situation to the Universe
• This is why I thought my story could be helpful to you and Him. If you all are in a bit of a better place, then you may be able to move through a challenging time with easier and more widely agreeable results. It seems you have moved this way already. Remember, I am taking His perspective. If He is like I was, things that may seem very small to others are mountains to him. The fact that he is willing to express a few boundaries and desires, to acknowledge you (a desire), and inch toward authenticity is good news for HIM. This may translate into good news for the polycule

All the best for an authentic outcome for everyone involved.