Parenting while living a non-monogamous lifestyle is definitely complex, and I think a lot of thoughtful points have been made here already.
One thing I think is worth exploring more deeply is how our relationship choices might shape the way our kids view relationships in the future-- not just what we tell them, but what they see, absorb, and normalize, especially when it comes to values like accountability, honesty, and emotional responsibility.
For example, I’ve noticed over the years that some single parents, regardless of relationship style, choose to wait a certain amount of time before introducing a new partner to their kids. They do this to build emotional safety, gauge the relationship’s stability, or simply give the child time to adjust. This approach tends to prioritize the child’s needs first.
On the opposite end, some households have a steady flow of “just friends” coming and going. To a child, it might seem like casual friendships, but kids are incredibly intuitive. They can pick up on emotional cues, energy shifts, and even silence. If these friends are only around when the kids are asleep or away, it can send mixed messages about what adult relationships actually look like.
Then there are FWB situations, where adults may frame the connection as platonic to avoid confusing the child. While this might seem protective in the moment, it can create longer-term confusion, especially if a child bonds with that person, but then they vanish from their life.
The point here isn’t to judge or say one way is right or wrong. Polyamory looks different for everyone. But if we’re going to talk about being ethical, especially when kids are involved, then we should also be asking ourselves: how many of our choices are truly about our kids’ well-being, and how many might be about protecting our own comfort, image, or privacy? And beyond that, how do we model relationships in ways our kids can learn from and choose freely, not just adopt because it’s all they’ve ever seen?
Here’s another thing to consider: if kids are in their late teens to early twenties and all they’ve seen growing up is monogamy—whether from their parents or the surrounding culture—they may have already internalized monogamy as the “default” relationship model. Even if a parent later opens up about being polyamorous, it might not fully register or feel relatable, because it doesn’t match the emotional blueprint they’ve been building for years. At that age, they’re forming their own identities, often influenced heavily by what they’ve seen modeled. Introducing something new like polyamory at that stage can feel like a disruption rather than an expansion of understanding.
By contrast, if a child is younger and sees a healthy, emotionally-responsible polyamorous relationship modeled over time, complete with visible care, mutual respect, and healthy boundaries, they might be more open to understanding it as just one valid way people can love and connect.
But even then, how they perceive that dynamic matters. If they see arguments, stress, or one partner being neglected, it might reinforce the belief that polyamory is unstable, even if the intent was ethical.
Psychology backs this up. Research from family systems theory and social learning theory both show that kids often absorb relational norms through what they observe, not just what they’re told. So much depends on the emotional tone of what they witness: the quality of time shared, how disagreements are handled, how transparent and respectful the adults are. It's not just about whether the relationship is mono or poly, it’s about how it's lived and how it makes the child feel. That perception can shape how they build or resist similar structures later in life.
It takes a lot to share something so personal, and I really respect that. I’m not here to tell anyone what’s right or wrong, but I do think there are some questions worth sitting with, especially when kids are watching and learning from us.
What values are we actually teaching them, not just through what we say, but how we live? If we say we want them to have the freedom to explore their own paths—poly, mono, or anything else—how do we make sure we’re not shaping their beliefs unintentionally, just by what we normalize without deeper conversations?
Kids often mirror our behaviours long before they’re ready to question them. So if they grow up in a polyamorous environment, are they truly choosing it, or inheriting it by default?
What’s the line between privacy and secrecy when it comes to our new relationships, especially in the early stages? Protecting them is valid, but when does a “white lie” cross into quiet dishonesty that chips away at trust?
And maybe most importantly, how do we hold ourselves accountable when emotions are high, but the long-term effects on our kids are still unfolding?
Ethics in parenting—polyamorous or not—often come down to those small, quiet decisions we make every day. Sometimes the guilt we feel isn’t about doing something “wrong,” but about not aligning fully with our values yet. And that’s okay, too. This is a journey.
If you’re sitting with guilt or uncertainty, you’re probably already doing more inner work than many. So maybe instead of looking for perfect answers, it’s about asking the right questions, like:
Will future me feel good about the choices I’m making now?
Will my kids look back and say, “My parent was honest, thoughtful, and real with me, even when it was complicated”?
Sometimes, staying honest without oversharing is enough. For example, telling your kids, “I’m going out with a friend,” might not be a lie; it might be the level of truth that respects their understanding right now. If they ask more later, you’ll be ready to meet them with honesty that fits their age and emotional maturity. Something like, “I’m spending time with someone who’s becoming important to me,” can still be real and respectful, without rushing them into adult concepts too soon.
Again, you know your kids better than any of us, and their level of emotional maturity.
No one has a perfect blueprint for this, but it might help to remember that lying to protect can feel easier short-term, but trust is something we build in the long-term.
And respect goes both ways—not just toward our kids, but toward ourselves, our partners, and the kind of openness we say we believe in.
I didn’t go back to read past posts from the OP. I'm just responding to this post specifically, and reflecting based on what was shared here. No judgment, just thoughts I hope add something meaningful to the conversation. This topic isn’t often discussed deeply within non-monogamous lifestyles, even though it really should be.
I brought it up in my own dynamics at the time, and it’s something I encountered years ago with past partners. More recently, I was in a monogamy-based situation where the partner had older kids who strongly disliked non-monogamy. Their values around monogamy were deeply ingrained, and their views on people having multiple sexual partners were openly negative.
I remember one moment clearly—one of them was talking with their mother, expressing disgust toward a friend for their sexual behaviour, while both my partner and I gently pointed out that judgment shouldn’t be passed like that, because, what if that friend’s relationship style is non-monogamy, just like monogamy is valid for them?
It still hit me how deep those biases run. Slut-shaming or relationship-shaming of any kind isn’t just unfair, it’s harmful. It’s immoral to judge someone’s consensual choices when they’re not harming anyone.
It reminded me again how important it is to reflect on how we talk about these things, especially around kids and teens. Whether we’re poly, mono, or somewhere in between, how we navigate these conversations, what we say, how we say it, and what we let slide, can shape not just values, but also empathy and understanding in the next generation.
Social theory source:
www.seriouslykids.com.au
I know some individuals dislike Psychology Today. Here is another.
The basis of social learning theory is simple: People learn by watching other people. We can learn from anyone—teachers, parents, siblings, peers, co-workers, YouTube influencers, athletes, and even celebrities. We observe their behavior and we mimic that behavior. In short, we do what they do...
www.psychologytoday.com
