BIGGEST ISSUE -- ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR
I left it for last, but to me this is the biggest issue. You have worth, dignity and value. You deserve to be treated well.
I feel as if my wife abused my love for her and hurt me psychologically even after my consent for polyamory was withdrawn. I feel I was emotionally manipulated into bending boundaries in order to further her pursuit of NRE, with manipulations that included pleas, tears, anger, logic and even the threat of divorce. My partner's limerence or obsession blinded her to my pain which was manifesting in a way that was impacting my job, my other priorities and my psychological well being. A big reason for the hurt is due to my inability to transition from a monogamous world view to a polyamorous world view in the required time-frame of my wife. I felt that my wife saw my hurt but ignored it in her quest for a relationship with her affair partner.
Your wife is not treating you well. These behaviors do not build trust, safety, or security. They tear you down.
She had wanted to leave earlier. Why didn't she simply say she wanted a divorce rather than move into emotional manipulation? What's the reason for her staying? Does she get off on treating you bad? Or gets off on you "making it up to her" later like an ego trip?
If she threatened divorce, I wonder why you did not
agree? In order to relieve yourself of all this pain you were experiencing? Divorce is not fun, but it has a clear end point, and you can move on to creating your own stability in the next chapter of your life.
The individuals in a relationship are more important than the relationship.
- I have to love my wife more than I love the relationship that I have with her. An example of loving the relationship more than my wife is when I (monogamously) insist my wife bury her feelings for another man in order to preserve our relationship. This has to change.
The people
are more important than the relationship shape. Why are you framing it all around your wife though? Aren't you an individual in the relationship? Why is is not something like...
"The individuals in a relationship are more important than the relationship. We each have to love ourselves at least 51% more than we love our spouse. That way we don't let out soft feelings for our spouse lead us into self damaging behavior."
Think about leaving vs. staying. Is it healthiest for you to part ways? If so, put your energies into a good parting rather than taking the "long way around" to get there. Poly is not a "bandaid" for relationship issues. Deal with them head on.
She thought I was crazy. I cried all night and had zero sleep, calling in sick to work the next day which landed me in employee-mandated psychological counseling for the first time in my life and fearing for my re-employment opportunities.
She does all this provoking behavior and thinks you are "crazy?" Jeez!
If she valued being with Dude and wasn't wanting to be with you any more, the respectful decent thing to do it part ways. Not decide to abuse you.
I hope this is a wake up call to you. You have been under
extreme stress and you have to stop doing this like this. You may love someone a whole lot, even up to 49% of your love. But the rest of the 51% of your love you save to love YOU. That prevents you from allowing your soft feelings for someone to cause you to do self damaging behavior. Not even for someone you love should you hurt your own self. You have been staying in a wonky poly V and it has been hurting you in all kinds of ways.
If your wife is not willing to change her poor behaviors? Then in order for you to become healthier? You might have to change your "staying-ness" in order to get away from this level of stress. You do not need a nervous break down over this.
You might leave with regrets, but you
still leave because you love YOU more than anyone else. This is not being selfish. This is NECESSARY in order to be healthy. If staying with her behaving like this is hurting you THIS bad that you are crying, not sleeping for days and now having to attend employee-mandated psychological counseling?
This has to STOP.
Sometimes in life the choices are not "win or lose" but "this stinks and this stinks... which stinks least?"
I suggest you do some soul searching to decide what option stinks least.
- She demonstrates improved behaviors and you try poly again together.
- Just not putting the energy into another polyamory attempt and simply parting ways.
If you are feeling unsafe and insecure in your present relationship, and the abusive/manipulative behaviors will not be stopping? I think it would serve your health better to simply walk away.
NRE may cloud judgement just as drinking alcohol clouds judgement. But we still hold drunks accountable if they behave poorly -- like DUI's. I don't see why you cannot hold wife's
behavior accountable. She might be in NRE, but there's no need to go abusing or manipulating you.
You were ok with her seeing Dude, but you might not be ok with her treating you this way.
Galagirl