first solo trip w/ boyfriend

Hello!
I have to drive to Salt Lake to get my scuba certification, and was really wanting my bf to accompany me (it's an 8 hour drive each way, I'll be diving both days I have to drive so I'll be pretty tired). J (husband) is working, but P (bf) conveniently has off.
Does anyone have experience with negotiating a first time solo trip with a new(ish) partner? I feel weird even saying 'negotiating' because we don't practice the whole vetoing/hierarchy thing and I'm not asking for permission, but I'm trying to bring this up mindfully and prepare for any resulting jealousy. Really just hoping P can help me out in a way that any friend would, but we haven't gone on a solo trip together since poly started so I'm nervous to bring it up.
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Do you have overnights together? If so... just bring it up as an extension of that.

"Hey, husband... since i have to go get my certification and could use the company to help stay awake during the drive, partner thinks he'll be able up go with me. This way I'll stay safe, I'll still get my normal date time with partner, then when I get back you and I can have time to reconnect without me trying to fit in time to see partner too. I know I haven't traveled with partner yet, is there anything you're concerned about? We can plan (check in times, good night calls, whatever you can offer that he might want) ahead of time. Is there anything else that we should discuss ahead of time?"

For my first trip with Boy, I just told Hubby that I wanted to go to place and that Boy offered to take me in lieu of one of our usual overnights. I asked hubby if he wanted anything from a shop he likes there, told him I wouldn't have cell access during the drive but would be regularly checking phone once there. It wasn't a big thing since I was spending 2-3 nights a week with Boy at the time anyway, AND it scratched my need to do something itch so hubby didn't have to 😆
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Why do you think your longer-term partner J would be "jealous"? Would he experience some kind of fear of loss when you spend a weekend with another person (P)? Does he think long trips should be reserved for him? When you bring up the subject, ask J what he'd need to feel reassured that you going on a trip with P would not threaten your relationship with him, J. Maybe you two could do something special soon after your trip with P. Go on a trip of your own (a long day trip or overnight), go get tattoos together, go to a Paint and Sip event, go get a couples massage, go shopping for a sex toy and try it out, whatever...

I am happy for you that your relationship with new guy is progressing to the point of a weekend trip. :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi mountaingirl,

Just curious from reviewing an earlier thread, is J the same person as Joe, and is P the same person as John? If so, then this is not the first time that Joe (J) has had jealous feelings about John (P). Are you concerned that maybe P won't be willing to go with you to Salt Lake? Why wouldn't he be willing to go? Is is because he is afraid it will make J jealous?

Maybe the thing to do, is to talk to J (about the trip) first. Ask J if he would feel jealous if P went with you, and if J says "Yes," ask him *why* he would feel jealous. Ask him what you could do to alleviate his jealous feelings. Ask him if there's anything P could do to help. Maybe you and J could go on a road trip (just the two of you) after you get back? Anyway, clear things with J before you approach P. That way P can't say, "But J won't get behind it."

Just some ideas,
Kevin T.
 

Hank The Tank

New member
Hello!
I have to drive to Salt Lake to get my scuba certification, and was really wanting my bf to accompany me (it's an 8 hour drive each way, I'll be diving both days I have to drive so I'll be pretty tired). J (husband) is working, but P (bf) conveniently has off.
Does anyone have experience with negotiating a first time solo trip with a new(ish) partner? I feel weird even saying 'negotiating' because we don't practice the whole vetoing/hierarchy thing and I'm not asking for permission, but I'm trying to bring this up mindfully and prepare for any resulting jealousy. Really just hoping P can help me out in a way that any friend would, but we haven't gone on a solo trip together since poly started so I'm nervous to bring it up.
My wife shared your concerns as well the first time her BF asked her about a trip together, she was afraid to bring it up but did, we talked and I was fine with it. It definitely moved their relationship forward in a positive way. They have been on many trips together since..
 
My wife shared your concerns as well the first time her BF asked her about a trip together, she was afraid to bring it up but did, we talked and I was fine with it. It definitely moved their relationship forward in a positive way. They have been on many trips together since..
This is exactly what happened lol. My husband was actually appreciative that I don't have to drive alone :)
 
Why do you think your longer-term partner J would be "jealous"? Would he experience some kind of fear of loss when you spend a weekend with another person (P)? Does he think long trips should be reserved for him? When you bring up the subject, ask J what he'd need to feel reassured that you going on a trip with P would not threaten your relationship with him, J. Maybe you two could do something special soon after your trip with P. Go on a trip of your own (a long day trip or overnight), go get tattoos together, go to a Paint and Sip event, go get a couples massage, go shopping for a sex toy and try it out, whatever...

I am happy for you that your relationship with new guy is progressing to the point of a weekend trip. :)
Thanks Magdlyn! Yeah I was worried he would be jealous just because me and P haven't gone on a trip just us before. When I asked J about it I also proposed we go on a date next week :) It went way better than I thought it would
 
Just curious from reviewing an earlier thread, is J the same person as Joe, and is P the same person as John? If so, then this is not the first time that Joe (J) has had jealous feelings about John (P). Are you concerned that maybe P won't be willing to go with you to Salt Lake? Why wouldn't he be willing to go? Is is because he is afraid it will make J jealous?
Hey Kevin! Yeah P had expressed concern when I mentioned it to him, i.e. he didn't want to rock the boat by asking to go on this trip but I figured that's dumb, if we never do a solo trip then... we'll never do a solo trip lol
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Glad to hear that the talk with your husband went better than you had anticipated.
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
Glad to here that the convo went well! My first solo vacation with Dude was Burning Man - and that was 6 years in (and MrS had no interest in going). That was intense for other reasons. MrS and I travel together and we 3 travelled together. I have also had platonic friend vacations, as has MrS (and Dude when he was in the picture).
 
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