First time having negative emotions in poly

[MrsSQty]

Heyy everyone,

I am new here. Came here to find similar situations to help keep myself in check, if my feelings are valid or not. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

Little background. I'm 33F (pansexual) married to 33M (demisexual), been together and poly for our entire 13 years together. We have had a number of relationships, encounters, hookups, whatever, in our time together. We have had a couple emotions bubble up (mostly him) and we've worked through them, no problem. I, on the other hand, experienced my first real down spin of emotion and hurt in poly and I'm really struggling to get back on board the train.

I've had a tough 2 years. I lost my mom, my husband's been stuck in a negative space and our finances are tanking. I met a new person in December that I started spending time with, but realized it just wasn't working, so I stopped.

My business partner spent a day with my husband (not totally unusual) and the next day I saw her we were having a causal hypothetical conversation about people to be with, and she mentioned my husband, to which I jokingly replied, "Go for it," as my understanding (from our number of conversations on the matter) was that she wasn't interested in him as more than a friend.

The next day, my husband tells me that they are flirting. Whatever, I didn't think anything of it. Two days later he approached me about if this was an avenue he could pursue, as it had become apparent that sex was on the table. I told him I felt discomfort, because I had no knowledge that feelings had changed. But because it had been some time since he had asked about someone, I felt I had to agree, despite my reservations. The next day he confirmed their date and two days later he went. I was fine the first few hours. But as it became apparent that it was going to be a sleepover, I started spiralling. I felt hurt, betrayed, left out, that my feelings didn't matter in this.

Eventually the next morning I messaged him as what the plan was, as it was getting late into the day and I had things to do. (I was also very badly self-imploding.) He came home and asked if I was okay. I REALLY considered lying, but I shook my head no. I asked him if he needed to shower (as it's our confirmation that sex has happened and an agreement that we don't physically connect until it's done), and he got up and walked away from me. I saw the hurt in his face.

I followed him to the bathroom and asked him again how it was. "It was magical, incredible, amazing. Not just the sex, we deeply connected." I broke. I told him all the feelings I had felt and how angry I was that she didn't even MENTION to me over the days that they spoke that it was even a possibility, let alone confirm that I was okay with them being together... And she tells me everything.

I told him not to touch me as I completely broke down in front of him. I told him I needed a giant pause on all things, that I didn't want him to come home because I was so upset and didn't want to tell him. That I was so fucking torn because I told him it was okay and I wanted this happiness for him, but it hurt me so deeply that my feelings didn't matter.

Fast forward, after many conversations with my husband and a few with her; it was a communication issue; she never told me her feelings changed and that, for me, created a break of trust with the two people I trust the most. I doubted them for the first time in my life and it was scary. And even though I know it wasn't necessary, I felt it deeply.

This space of doubting these two humans also poked at my insecurities about myself that I had been denying for the past year+, as I was not okay and just trying to get through every day.

I had to work through so much pain and set a no sex boundary that didn't feel fair just to start to heal where I was. Sexually reconnecting with my husband was painful; I really shut down and disconnected from him to prevent myself from hurting more.

I hurt the people I love, I hurt myself, and I was watching them both crumble because of my stupid feelings.

We went over the following week to spend time together. It was awkward. We were all eggshelling around each other. They kept making excuses to spend time alone, and I would let them, hoping it was helping. My husband informed me a few days later that the conversation they had was sounding like she wanted to make another date, and that it wouldn't just be a hangout. At this point, I had told them I was okay with them together and that my boundary was them having sex while I navigated what happened. I had NEVER reacted like this. It's always been the same; he comes home, we talk about what happened, he gives me the dirty details, showers, and then we fuck. And none of that happened this time.

When he told me she wanted to set up another date, he broke down., and was literally gagging on the floor in a puddle of sweat. I approached him and told him that I was taking this as him dealing with the fact he doesn't want to respect my boundaries, and wants to be with her in that sexual space.

I did what I always do. I put my feelings aside and told him I was getting rid of the boundary. I had been struggling with having one; it never felt right. It felt like I was trying to control their relationship, and that's gross to me. But I felt like I had already done so much damage by having a negative reaction to their first encounter that the boundary was making things worse.

So I removed it.

The next day we spent together. First time we didn't talk about what happened in over a week.

Yesterday he asked if he could go see her for the night. And that they were arguing about whether to do it last night or a sleepover on Friday. I told him to go (as I did the first time). She had called me earlier in the day to confirm "where I was with all this, because my feelings matter." I told her I wasn't 1000% ready, but I didn't feel like the boundary was fair, even though I needed the space to navigate my feelings. We talked about how he wasn't staying over this time (as he works this morning, early) and that I was in a better place because I felt like I was in the know.

It's 6am. He's not home. He didn't tell me he was staying. Which means I know they fucked. And they already decided he's going on Friday for another date, before we go collectively to a bonfire on Saturday.

I feel like shit. I feel like they were just waiting for me to get over it so they could do what they wanted and I just have to suck it up that I'm not in the compersion space. But I wasn't over it and I wasn't ready. I feel like I was trying to mend the situation and put my feelings aside for them and it made it feel even worse.

Someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong, because this feels fucking terrible. I'm trying to be supportive of him and I just want to cry all day now.

 

[Evie]

That's a lot, it sounds like you're emotionally worn out and that everything is super hard at the moment. I feel for you.

I'm going to highlight a possible angle you may not be totally aware of, from what you have written. And I'm going to use some storytelling language in italics rather than pure facts, and I may get it totally wrong, so take what is useful and leave the rest. We have other members who write the facts really well, and they may be along soon.

__________________________________________________________________

to which I jokingly replied, "Go for it,"

Why didn't you take her seriously? Why had you convinced yourself that she didn't see him as anything more than a friend?

You've centred him in your writing, but I suspect that she's actually the reason you are reacting so strongly. She's your business partner, your best friend, *yours*, and he's just stolen her, and she's let herself be stolen, and you're now some kind of third wheel rather than the hinge person between these two incredibly important people in your life. And you're jealous (fear of loss). You're afraid you're going to lose *her* to him, your husband no less. And you can't watch everything unfolding for her they way you normally would as a bestie because you're the one person who she can't tell everything to because it would be a bit too weird for her telling you about her sex with your husband. And he didn't tell you, either, because she's your best friend and business partner and it would be weird there too. And you still can't fathom how their feelings shifted from just being friends, to being attracted to each other after all this time. They've hung out before and nothing's changed. Why now? Maybe you're worried it's because of you, rather than some internal shift in them. You're the common factor here, and if they are feeling something for each other, maybe it's because they are feeling less for you, and it's beyond scary. What if they start to love each other, and don't love you any more?

You mentioned you told him that you felt discomfort, but do you understand why you felt discomfort? Discomfort is like a surface level feeling, that bubble at the top when it's actually come from somewhere deep down. Your writing hasn't indicated where it's come from, so I've created one possible deep down reason in the previous paragraph. It may resonate, it may not. But you're going to need to find your deep down reason so you can work through it to find a way forward with this new development. It's too late now to put her on the messy person list (the "don't date these people" list) so you're going to need a different strategy to move forward with each dyad nurturing it's own relationship while navigating the weird that is not sharing their sex details with you.

I hope you find your deep down reason and can communicate your way through this with them. I really do feel for you. It's a super tough situation to be in right at this moment because it's all so new and there's no normal to this. We, collectively, know there are always new normals that develop in time though, so you know you're not going to be stuck in these feels forever. It's raw now, but there will be a reprieve.

 

[MrsSQty]

That's a lot, it sounds like you're emotionally worn out and that everything is super hard at the moment. I feel for you.

I'm going to highlight a possible angle you may not be totally aware of, from what you have written. And I'm going to use some storytelling language in italics rather than pure facts, and I may get it totally wrong, so take what is useful and leave the rest. We have other members who write the facts really well, and they may be along soon.

__________________________________________________________________

Why didn't you take her seriously? Why had you convinced yourself that she didn't see him as anything more than a friend?

You've centred him in your writing, but I suspect that she's actually the reason you are reacting so strongly. She's your business partner, your best friend, *yours*, and he's just stolen her, and she's let herself be stolen, and you're now some kind of third wheel rather than the hinge person between these two incredibly important people in your life. And you're jealous (fear of loss). You're afraid you're going to lose *her* to him, your husband no less. And you can't watch everything unfolding for her they way you normally would as a bestie because you're the one person who she can't tell everything to because it would be a bit too weird for her telling you about her sex with your husband. And he didn't tell you, either, because she's your best friend and business partner and it would be weird there too. And you still can't fathom how their feelings shifted from just being friends, to being attracted to each other after all this time. They've hung out before and nothing's changed. Why now? Maybe you're worried it's because of you, rather than some internal shift in them. You're the common factor here, and if they are feeling something for each other, maybe it's because they are feeling less for you, and it's beyond scary. What if they start to love each other, and don't love you any more?

You mentioned you told him that you felt discomfort, but do you understand why you felt discomfort? Discomfort is like a surface level feeling, that bubble at the top when it's actually come from somewhere deep down. Your writing hasn't indicated where it's come from, so I've created one possible deep down reason in the previous paragraph. It may resonate, it may not. But you're going to need to find your deep down reason so you can work through it to find a way forward with this new development. It's too late now to put her on the messy person list (the "don't date these people" list) so you're going to need a different strategy to move forward with each dyad nurturing it's own relationship while navigating the weird that is not sharing their sex details with you.

I hope you find your deep down reason and can communicate your way through this with them. I really do feel for you. It's a super tough situation to be in right at this moment because it's all so new and there's no normal to this. We, collectively, know there are always new normals that develop in time though, so you know you're not going to be stuck in these feels forever. It's raw now, but there will be a reprieve.

I didn't take her seriously because over the past 7 ish years she's always told me that she didn't see him like that. So I didn't expect one hangout day to change everything. And when it did change, she didn't tell me until afterwards, when I confronted her with it.

I have been trying to navigate the discomfort from day one and dig deep into what it is. So far I've gotten that it's a multiple piece issue:
1) my husband hasn't allowed me to play with any of his friends. (I only asked about one.)
2) I knew it could create awkward situations going forward.

There is no room for a messy person's post. They both told me today that they are boyfriend and girlfriend and they are in love, so I have to navigate what that means for me and my feelings.

 

[Evie]

1) my husband hasn't allowed me to play with any of his friends (I only asked about one)

Do you envy that he had a firmer boundary than you were able to have? How long ago was this and do you still have an attraction to that person that has brought this back to the fore? Or another friend of his that you assume he will say no to? And this is all feeling very double - standard-y rather than having good boundaries?

2) I knew it could create awkward situations going forward

How about you have a sit down with them both and spell out all these awkward situations so it's all out in the open? Then you can navigate it as a team rather than you just feeling like you have to give way to them all the time.

 

[River]

1. Men in the dominant culture are usually not very good at empathy, compassion, kindness ... and communicating. This is due to the typical "masculinity" training pretty much all men got growing up. It's really not entirely their "fault" -- and fault isn't really the topic at hand. Sensitivity is, as is vulnerability, and "masculinity" training in the dominant culture tends to obscure men's understanding of these topics and issues.

2. Always go slow and easy with compassion toward all involved. Never rush. Rushing is bad news.

 

[Magdlyn]

I've had a tough 2 years. I lost my mom, my husband's been stuck in a negative space and our finances are tanking.

This space of doubting these two humans also poked at my insecurities about myself that I had been denying for the past year+, as I was not okay and just trying to get through every day.

I just wanted to point out these two comments/issues because I wonder if the discomfort Evie mentions comes from here, at least partly.

It's easy to see that you were blindsided by your H and Friend becoming attracted to each other after so many years. And on top of that, it's suddenly full-on NRE, i.e., "magical, amazing, incredible, deeply bonding."

Add to that, H spent two overnights with Friend unexpectedly. Generally first and second dates aren't sleepovers. And you'd had some assurance at least that the second date wouldn't be; you'd even discussed it with Friend, and knew H had an early morning at work the next day.

Add to THAT, H didn't message you on either date to inform you he would be staying over. He just did, lost in Friend's arms and eyes, not a thought for you left wondering at home. That's just bad manners, and NRE completely out of control.

Then, as Evie said, Friend implied she wasn't into H, but she was, and they acted on it after you made what you thought was a clear joke, "Go for it."

It sounds like you and H have had an open relationship for 13 years. How is it that the communication is so bad this time around? What's different? Is it that you're both stuck in bad places, you grieving your mom, and both of you in trouble financially, so feeling insecure? Depressed? Is your company with Friend not doing well? Is she fragile now too?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello MrsSQty,

It seems that you have been trying to repress your feelings for the sake of not rocking the boat, and as a result, those feelings have built up to an explosion. It sounds like you want to say to your husband, and to your business partner, that you want their relationship to stop, but you feel like it's too late to say that, and so once again you are repressing your feelings for the sake of being a team player, and it seems likely that those repressed feelings will build up to another explosion. Rinse and repeat. Meanwhile, you are feeling totally miserable in general. To put it in your words, you "just want to cry all day now."

I don't know what the answer is, but part of the solution seems to be expressing (to your husband, and to your business partner) your feelings before they get to the exploding point. You must come to the realization that your feelings are valid. It doesn't matter if they are "illogical." They are your feelings; you have a right to feel them. If you don't speak up for your feelings, who will? Your husband, and your business partner, seem to be deeply immersed in their feelings of NRE for each other, and they are not taking your feelings into consideration (other than maybe a little lip service by them). They are walking all over you, and you are letting them do that.

Just some thoughts for now,
Kevin T.

 

[LoveBunny]

Do you feel in your heart that this r'ship is different from ones he's had before? Perhaps it's a "gamechanger," and you sense you are about to become (if you aren't already) no longer the most important person to your husband, or to your bestie if you've been that for her. Before, you were the center of this V, the hinge. I know she wasn't your romantic partner, but bestie and business partner, honestly, is close enough. It's a HUGE shift in the dynamic, and one that isn't in your favor.

Sometimes when we "can't figure out" why we're so upset, it's actually that we know and don't want to admit. Anytime I've felt an unfavorable shift in my r'ships, I would try to talk myself out of it, blame my own insecurities, only to have it eventually become clear that I should've listen to my own inner alarms. Your husband is weeping and vomiting at the thought of not being with her..... is he as dramatic at the thought of being without YOU?

If you FEEL like you're being pushed out, cast aside, your pleas going unheard & things are unfair, there's a possibility that it's not all just in your head. Frankly, I think besties & business partners should be automatically off-limits. Poly doesn't mean it's a free-for-all.

 

[MrsSQty]

Do you envy that he had a firmer boundary than you were able to have? How long ago was this and do you still have an attraction to that person that has brought this back to the fore? Or another friend of his that you assume he will say no to? And this is all feeling very double - standard-y rather than having good boundaries?


How about you have a sit down with them both and spell out all these awkward situations so it's all out in the open? Then you can navigate it as a team rather than you just feeling like you have to give way to them all the time.

Thank you for your thoughtful response. We did have a sit down as a group to talk openly about what each person wants. It became very clear that I was misreading situations and things are much more normal.
I do however note that it does feel a little two edge swords instead of a boundary with regard to me not being able to play with his friends but he can mine. We talked about this and although he's still firm about it; he acknowledged that it isn't fair and my feelings are valid.

This comes down to a feeling of lack of trust at first one top of myself already needing so much in my personal life that it hit me sideways.

Things are much better between all of us and we are going forward more openly.
I am taking time off to deal with my mental health as it was a concern before any of this happened. Looking forward to being on the side where this is a distant memory I acknowledge happened but have grown so far past.

 

[Bobbi]

That's hard... He has a firm no on you seeing his friends, yet he can see yours? Apparently he DOESNT understand, or he would either give the okay for you to date his friends, or he'd stop seeing yours. What he is doing is not okay.

He has to make a decision one way or another. Going on like this will degrade your relationship considerably. You can choose to end things now, on good terms with good memories, or continue until you are nothing but a shell of a human because you sacrificed continuously for nothing.

The hurt, mistrust and low self esteem you'll take with you to future relationships. Staying in this will be harmful. Take 6 months if you like, but you need to have a plan and stick to it. For the next 6 months, watch how you are treated. See if you are really getting everything you want out of this relationship. Do you feel loved, honored, respected and cherished the way you want? Love IS NOT ENOUGH to be or stay in a relationship that doesn't make you happy and even thrive. It takes a whole lot more than love.

 

[Tinwen]

This is a lot.
Forgive me if this is a wrong impression, but it seems to me you are not very experienced in handling strong emotions. Judging by the ease you usually handle polyamory, you are probably a very stable and mentally healthy person. That is why you don't have much practice, and strong feeling emerging rapidly took you by surprise badly. But maybe you are also used to repressing your emotions - you hint at acting like you are ok when you, in fact, are not. You have to trust your feelings enough to hold your boundaries.
You seem to be holding up and having the talks, still, it might be a very good idea to get at least a couple of counseling sessions to look at your reaction in the present situation and perhaps also process other struggles you had in the past two years.