First time poly relationship

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Poly2person

New member
I have started a relationship with a guy who has a primary partner, however we are working out the dynamics to have equal shared time, I am hoping to get suggestions on how people split periods of time ie festive period, birthdays and going on holiday, as the other parter is saying she only wants the guy in question to say out 3 nights a week.
 
Poly2person said:
I have started a relationship with a guy who has a primary partner, however we are working out the dynamics to have equal shared time, I am hoping to get suggestions on how people split periods of time ie festive period, birthdays and going on holiday, as the other parter is saying she only wants the guy in question to say out 3 nights a week.
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I'm sure we all work it out according to the specific needs and desires of our partners. In my case, generally the more established partner gets first dibs on special occasions, but if the newer partner is a keeper, he or she gets more and more equal time.

Specifically on the winter holidays, my live in partner and I do Yule (Dec 21) and Xmas Eve, and Xmas Day together, but she goes to her bf's for New Year's Eve and Day.

We also do Thanksgiving together, because her bf goes to his family and isn't interested in subjecting her to that haha.

Birthdays? They are kind of all over the place. We kind of do a birth month thing here, so it's not tied to a specific day. We're not 5 year olds that need a big party on the exact day.

"Going on holiday" can happen at any time. We take turns.
 
The guy involved is the one who has to work out where he wants to be and when. I wouldn't aim for equal shared time, I'd just wait and see what sort of time split ends up being the natural course of your relationship rather than artificially force a situation because it seems fair.

If he has an ongoing relationship and sustaining that relationship necessitates limiting sleepovers to a max if 3 days per week, then that's his agreement to make and sustain. She is perfectly reasonable in proposing that limit and he is perfectly reasonable in accepting it.
 
I think 3 nights a week is pretty close to equal. Hopefully there is some leeway there. I'm not too keen on having others dictate when I can see a partner. Now is a good time to ask about how involved she will be in decisions about your relationship.
 
I agree with that too. But be warned that he could present AGREEMENTS he made with his primary partner as RULES she set him or you could have a tendency to view it that way because it feels unfair that his existing commitments limit his availability.

It's even been known for a person to present an agreement THEY initiated with their partner as a rule their partner forced onto them.
 
Poly2person said:
I have started a relationship with a guy who has a primary partner, however we are working out the dynamics to have equal shared time, I am hoping to get suggestions on how people split periods of time ie festive period, birthdays and going on holiday, as the other parter is saying she only wants the guy in question to say out 3 nights a week.
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If it's a poly relationship, the aim isn't to split time up by swinging back and forth between partners, but to form interrelationships whereby everyone spends time together concurrently. There are obviously challenges to that when extended family are involved, but one way might be for the poly household to host the events so that everybody can be together. Failing that, it's just a matter of logistics and compromises that I'm sure you're all grown-up enough to figure out between yourselves.
 
hedgehog said:
If it's a poly relationship, the aim isn't to split time up by swinging back and forth between partners, but to form interrelationships whereby everyone spends time together concurrently. ...
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Just to point out - this does not have to be the aim of every poly relationship if that is not how the participants choose to practice poly. "Swinging back and forth" is a form of parallel poly that suits some relationships much better than others. Even people who participate in kitchen-table-poly (like me and my boys who all live together) don't pressure other partners to participate in that model if it doesn't suit them.
 
JaneQSmythe said:
Just to point out - this does not have to be the aim of every poly relationship if that is not how the participants choose to practice poly. "Swinging back and forth" is a form of parallel poly that suits some relationships much better than others. Even people who participate in kitchen-table-poly (like me and my boys who all live together) don't pressure other partners to participate in that model if it doesn't suit them.
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Seconded. Many poly people never seek “interrelationships whereby everyone spends time together concurrently,” and that works just fine for us.
 
Hello Poly2person,

Since you only get to have the guy three nights a week, maybe you could get the larger share of the festive periods, birthdays and going on holiday. In my house, we do KTP so we generally do special occasions together. Sometimes it's just me and Snowbunny eating out for dinner, sometimes it's just Brother-Husband and Snowbunny going out for their anniversary. We don't have it down to an exact science, we just give a little and take a little and it works for us. You may have a parallel setup; if so, you will have to divide the special occasions up, or at least most of them.

Just some thoughts,
Kevin T.
 
From More Than Two where "parallel poly" is found: "This glossary is intended as a guide to many of the terms you might hear in the polyamorous community. Some of the terms have definitions that are not clearly established or universally accepted, particularly with regards to terms used to describe various relationship styles."

Given the above, and that historically, the importance of interrelationships are at the foundation of polyamory. Discarding interrelationships in polyamory is like discarding exclusivity in mono relationships. It makes no sense. I don't personally see how anyone can reasonably claim they are in a polyamorous relationship if there are no interrelationships.

To me it seems more like someone decided to make-up the term "parallel poly" to make it seem more acceptable to those who like to think of themselves as poly, but don't fit the criteria. This seems to happen a lot out there, especially on dating sites, where people I wouldn't think of as poly in a million years label themselves as poly just to get access to additional partners.

Personally, I don't have any moral problem with open relationships or swinging, so it's fine with me if that's what people are into. But you can count me as being on the other side of this particular issue where labeling is concerned. I trust that is okay. Or does everyone here have to agree all the time?
 
No. We're allowed to disagree.

My posts are not intended to be gospel, they are just one person's point of view. And I modify my point of view from time to time.

More than Two says, "Parallel polyamory = 'a style of polyamory in which the relationships a person has are largely independent of one another, and there may be little or no contact or relationship between a person's various partners.'" That definition seems fine by me.
 
hedgehog said:
From More Than Two where "parallel poly" is found: "This glossary is intended as a guide to many of the terms you might hear in the polyamorous community. Some of the terms have definitions that are not clearly established or universally accepted, particularly with regards to terms used to describe various relationship styles."

Given the above, and that historically, the importance of interrelationships are at the foundation of polyamory. Discarding interrelationships in polyamory is like discarding exclusivity in mono relationships. It makes no sense. I don't personally see how anyone can reasonably claim they are in a polyamorous relationship if there are no interrelationships.

To me it seems more like someone decided to make-up the term "parallel poly" to make it seem more acceptable to those who like to think of themselves as poly, but don't fit the criteria. This seems to happen a lot out there, especially on dating sites, where people I wouldn't think of as poly in a million years label themselves as poly just to get access to additional partners.

Personally, I don't have any moral problem with open relationships or swinging, so it's fine with me if that's what people are into. But you can count me as being on the other side of this particular issue where labeling is concerned. I trust that is okay. Or does everyone here have to agree all the time?
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http://www.polynatural.org/Content/Interrelationships_P01.htm
 
hedgehog said:
From More Than Two where "parallel poly" is found: "This glossary is intended as a guide to many of the terms you might hear in the polyamorous community. Some of the terms have definitions that are not clearly established or universally accepted, particularly with regards to terms used to describe various relationship styles."

Given the above, and that historically, the importance of interrelationships are at the foundation of polyamory. Discarding interrelationships in polyamory is like discarding exclusivity in mono relationships. It makes no sense. I don't personally see how anyone can reasonably claim they are in a polyamorous relationship if there are no interrelationships.

To me it seems more like someone decided to make-up the term "parallel poly" to make it seem more acceptable to those who like to think of themselves as poly, but don't fit the criteria. This seems to happen a lot out there, especially on dating sites, where people I wouldn't think of as poly in a million years label themselves as poly just to get access to additional partners.

Personally, I don't have any moral problem with open relationships or swinging, so it's fine with me if that's what people are into. But you can count me as being on the other side of this particular issue where labeling is concerned. I trust that is okay. Or does everyone here have to agree all the time?
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Are you okay with being alone on your side of this particular issue? I've know people who are so into KTP that they wouldn't do it any other way, but they don't feel it's the only way. It's just the only way for them. Same for people like me who prefer parallel poly. I would never say that someone isn't poly because they don't do it the way I like to do it.
 
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