First true poly experience and setbacks

I'm sorry this happened. I hope you feel better for the vent.

We came home from our trip, Braden insisted on picking us up at the airport and brought breakfast and an apology for his behavior.

Adam said we should give him another chance so I agreed
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Nope. Adam can speak for himself and give more chances. Adam can choose to breakfast and take a ride with Braden. You don't have to agree to to do that. Even if Adam does, you can stick to your original plans for how to get home. You can decide you are done giving chances.

This Braden guy seems/seemed hellbent on inserting himself into your life, yet you don't/didn't speak up.

We then had a great couple days, with him coming and going and really seemed to bond. He then implored us to consider more of a throuple arrangement than a vee, which I was reluctant to do, and said we should just avoid labels and let things evolve organically.
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You seem to have a hard time telling both Adam and Braden a clear NO. And they both know they can wear you down. Until you work on that, you can expect more shenanigans from both. And any others who might want to take advantage of you. :(


It seemed everything was going well until Friday when Braden had a little too much to drink and revealed some facts about some issues in his personal life and indicated he wanted to move in with us to alleviate them. Adam and I indicated we weren’t at that point yet. He got upset and went to the guest room and Adam and I went to bed in our room. We woke up around 4 AM freezing and when I checked the thermostat, he had turned off the furnace. I then realized he had unplugged every electronic device in the house and dumped out our entire wine rack (probably $400 worth of wine). Adam finally told him it was all over.
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I hope that sticks. I hope Adam truly is done with Braden and does NOT take him back, for more up and down on the rollercoaster. Otherwise, you will find yourself in a position where YOU may have to move out and/or dump Adam to be free of this stuff. You can't control who Adam dates. You can control who YOU date and where YOU choose to live. If Adam keeps dating odd people, you don't have to be around for it.

He’s been having tantrums via text for the past 48 hours. He has been very vindictive, including saying he filed false reports with animal control to get our pets taken away from us if we don’t try things again. Then admitting he didn’t actually do that. I just flat out told Adam that I can’t deal with the drama, and we seem to be on the same page.
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Block Braden and remove him from all your things. Adam can deal with his side of things himself.

I guess it’s back to the drawing board. I suppose I shouldn’t have expected attempt one to be a success. I'm just very stressed. Hopefully the next experience will be better. Still learning, I guess.
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I hope you improve your personal boundaries and reconsider you and Adam having your own separate bedrooms, at a minimum. You have the space. Then if you date others, you each just host your own guest in your own room. You can take turns hosting each other. Married people don't HAVE to share a bedroom.

But enough with people slipping into your bed while you sleep and all the other loosey-goosey boundaries that happened.

And no. There will be no triads, no group sex, no sharing sex with the same person, no dating the same person. Don't even ask you.

You have seen first hand what happens when you just "go along" with stuff and ignore your own wants/needs/preferences/personal boundaries/personal limits.

There's being agreeable. And then there's being a pushover. Take care of your own well being. Could firm up your personal boundaries with Adam and other people. That is my suggestion to you.

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Adam can speak for himself and give more chances. Adam can choose to breakfast and take a ride with Braden. You don't have to agree to to do that. Even if Adam does, you can stick to your original plans for how to get home. You can decide you are done giving chances.

This Braden guy seems/seemed hellbent on inserting himself into your life, yet you don't/didn't speak up.


You seem to have a hard time telling both Adam and Braden a clear NO. And both know they can wear you down. Until you work on that, you can expect more shenanigans from both. And any others who might want to take advantage of you. :(


I hope Adam truly is done with Braden and does NOT take him back. Otherwise you will find yourself in a position where YOU may have to move out and/or dump Adam to be free of this stuff. You can't control who Adam dates. You can control who YOU date and where YOU choose to live. If Adam keeps dating odd people, you don't have to be around for it.

Block Braden and remove him from all your things. Adam can deal with his side of things himself.

I hope you improve your personal boundaries and reconsider you and Adam having your own separate bedrooms at minimum. But enough with people slipping into your bed while you sleep and all the other loosey goosey boundaries that happened.

And no, there will be no triads, no group sex, no sharing sex with the same person, no dating the same person. Don't even ask.

You have seen firsthand what happens when you just "go along" with stuff and ignore your own wants/needs/preferences/personal boundaries/personal limits.

There's being agreeable, and then there's being a pushover. Take care of your own well being. You could firm up your personal boundaries with Adam and other people.
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Thank you so much for your feedback. While it’s quite depressing that it didn’t work out, it was a learning experience. So not a total waste. I appreciate your suggestions. Hopefully the next try goes better. :)
 
ref2018 said:
Jesus, I thought Braden was a bit clingy, but that's just over the top. Change your locks.
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Yeah, I never thought he’d stoop to that level. I truly hoped we could patch things up, but the pet thing is a line in the sand. Amazon just delivered a portable security camera. 😕 Better luck next time, I suppose!
 
Yikes! He's toxic af. You do NOT destroy belongings. You could have him arrested for that, maybe. Consider a restraining order, if shit continues.
 
I am so sorry all of this happened. Particularly that last instance is just plain terrifying. Definitely block him on everything and do whatever you need to do in order to be safe. I agree with GG's suggestion about working on strengthening your own personal boundaries in general, but also with Adam in particular. Take care and remember it's important to stand up for yourself!
 
Espoir said:
I am so sorry all of this happened. Particularly that last instance is just plain terrifying. Definitely block him on everything and do whatever you need to do in order to be safe. I agree with GG's suggestion about working on strengthening your own personal boundaries in general, but also with Adam in particular. Take care and remember it's important to stand up for yourself!
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Thank you for the kind words. All of you all's advice and support has been so helpful. I agree that I have to strengthen my personal boundaries. It's such a shame because, in addition to feeling bad for Adam's loss here, Braden was kind of my first true "hang-out friend" since we moved here. (I tend to be shy and struggle to make friends. My problem.) But, of course, recent events proved he wasn't really a friend at all. Live and learn, I guess. Our other friends have kind of given us a gentle "I told you so" over the last few days. So I think the writing was on the wall for a while.

Oh well. Onward and upward. We learned some valuable lessons.
 
The saga continues. I don't know what we've gotten ourselves into here. We may have to get authorities involved, which I really don't want to do.

Braden has been messaging non-stop the last few days and I've been simply ignoring them. Last night, we went out after work for a few drinks and stopped at the store on our way home. Adam said since we only needed a couple things, he'd run in and I could stay in the car. Cool. All of a sudden, I saw a shadow walk around the car and then there was a knock on the window. It was Braden. No clue how he'd know where we were since he lives nearly an hour away. I rolled down the window and tried to be kind, but firm, explaining he shouldn't be there and that we were serious when we said we needed space. Then Adam came out of the store and all hell broke loose. Adam went off and Braden started crying, saying he was following us home whether we liked it or not.

We parked in the garage, but sure enough, he pulled up shortly after, walked to the front door and tried to open it (it was locked, as were all doors). I couldn't take the drama, so I went back to the bedroom. But shortly thereafter, I heard Adam yelling and apparently, Braden had let himself into the back yard to try the back door. Adam said he'd call the police if Braden didn't leave right then. Braden did leave.

Now, this morning, we got an email from a burner account (with a different name, but obviously him) saying he had filed ethics complaints against us with both of our employers (stuff that never happened, but could plausibly create a crap show of an HR investigation before we're cleared). In addition, he's back on the "getting our pets taken away from us" kick.

I told Adam we should file a police report about last night so it's at least documented. I guess we'll see what happens.

When Adam told me he wanted to explore Poly, this is certainly not what I had in mind :(
 
Im sorry you are living this nightmare. Keep all documentation. You might need it.
 
And you have yourselves a stalker. You don't need Adam's permission to call the police and file a report. This needs to be officially documented, especially if it's going to involve your jobs and animal control! Do it now! Get it all filed. Do it now!
 
Ugh.

Braden has been messaging non-stop the last few days and I've been simply ignoring them.
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Send one message: "Cease and desist all contact. I will be documenting evidence and contacting authorities if you persist in contacting me or coming over here."

Do this more to have in in your records than anything else. Expect Braden to wig out. If there is another incident, call the cops.

Start an evidence log with all these messages, phone calls, unwanted visits to the home, etc. If a neighbor saw Braden and can witness, ask them for info. All of it.

Consider talking to a lawyer, and calling the police non-emergency line for advice on what to do with a stalker. Consider calling a hotline.

Consider getting a health check-up for stress and talk to your doctor about what is going on that is stressing you out -- stalker Braden trespassing, sneaking up on you in the parking lot, following you, etc.

All of that is stuff you can document.

Last night, we went out after work for a few drinks and stopped at the store on our way home. Adam said since we only needed a couple things, he'd run in and I could stay in the car. Cool. All of a sudden, I saw a shadow walk around the car and then there was a knock on the window. It was Braden. No clue how he'd know where we were since he lives nearly an hour away.
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Check your home, phones and vehicles for tracking devices/buttons/apps/spyware Braden may have installed, dropped, or left there when he was over.

I rolled down the window and tried to be kind, but firm, explaining he shouldn't be there and that we were serious when we said we needed space. Then Adam came out of the store and all hell broke loose. Adam went off and Braden started crying, saying he was following us home whether we liked it or not.
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That is an incident that hopefully the store's security cameras caught (or witnesses caught). Call the store and ask the manager for a copy of the tape/digital file of incident. Even if the manager cannot give you a copy, you can get documentation that you came to ASK about it.

Consult someone about what other steps you can take.

We parked in the garage, but sure enough, he pulled up shortly after, walked to the front door and tried to open it (it was locked, as were all doors). I couldn't take the drama, so I went back to the bedroom. But shortly thereafter, I heard Adam yelling and apparently, Braden had let himself into the back yard to try the back door. Adam said he'd call the police if Braden didn't leave right then. Braden did leave.
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Next time, YOU call the cops, if nothing else than to get it on the public record that you saw Braden trespassing in the backyard, trying to come in.

When you petition for a restraining order (which YOU can do even if Adam will not) you'll need actual evidence. The petition itself cannot be the first item on the public record. Bothering you at the store, trespassing in the backyard and making a scene: those would have been good cop calls to get on the public record that you have a harasser, and you have asked for help about it before.


Now, this morning, we got an email from a burner account (with a different name, but obviously him) saying he had filed ethics complaints against us with both of our employers (stuff that never happened, but could plausibly create a crap show of an HR investigation before we're cleared). In addition, he's back on the "getting our pets taken away from us" kick.
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Put that in your evidence log, and ignore him.

Consider taking the dogs to the vet for a health check-ups, because the recent dog sitter has become a harasser and you want to be sure he didn't do anything to the dogs. Get THAT on the record. Then someone else will know that this going on.

Also, the neighbors who had to take over the dog-sitting know something about it.

Make it known among the neighbors that the dog sitter from before was fired and recently broke into the yard trying to get in, so they could keep an eye out for weird stuff.

I told Adam we should file a police report about last night so it's at least documented. I guess we'll see what happens.
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You could still do that. It was just last night. Say you want someone to come drive by tonight, just in case. Then THAT can be on the public record.

When Adam told me he wanted to explore poly, this is certainly not what I had in mind.
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This is one of the risks of ANY dating-- ending up with a weirdo who becomes a stalker after the break-up. It's just that in poly, when you have a nesting partner, you aren't just dealing with your own stalker, but ALSO are in the home when the stalker is focussed on your nesting partner.

Not a great experience. I'm very sorry this is happening.

I encourage you to take steps to protect YOURSELF. Even if Adam goes all soft on Braden and won't, YOU petitioning and successfully getting a restraining order FOR YOURSELF, that Braden has to keep X feet away from you, will solve it for Adam too.

Don't needlessly escalate, but don't wimp out, either.

Keep the evidence log and hopefully, if you stand firm and give ZERO attention, either positive or negative, Braden will flit off to bother other people (best case scenario). If you have to talk to a lawyer and then file for an injunction (restraining order), you have organized evidence that includes things on the public record already that hopefully will lead to you GETTING it the first time around (2nd best scenario).

Galagirl
 
Braden air-tagged your car. It's one of those little doohickeys that sends out a signal you can track with an iPhone. People usually use it to track their pet or their luggage. It's about the size of a quarter and can be easily hidden in a bumper, a wheel well, under the hood, inside the dash, or just about anywhere it can fit.

Let's play "guess what kind of phone Braden has: Android or Apple?"
 
ref2018 said:
Braden air-tagged your car. It's one of those little doohickeys that sends out a signal you can track with an iPhone. People usually use it to track their pet or their luggage. It's about the size of a quarter and can be easily hidden in a bumper, a wheel well, under the hood, inside the dash, or just about anywhere it can fit.

Let's play "guess what kind of phone Braden has: Android or Apple?"
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Yep, it’s an Apple. We’ll have to go over it carefully tomorrow.

We did file a police report. The officer who came over explained the process to deal with it going forward. Very helpful. He also explained that even though Braden still has some stuff at our place, we’re under no obligation to let him onto our property to retrieve it and we can expect him to meet us at a neutral location (which he reiterated our home isn’t) or ship it.

So at least it’s on the formal record. I really really hope the next attempt goes better.
 
Maybe it's best to stop posting about this on an open public board, since the authorities have become involved. This creep could find this thread pretty easily.

Also, this is no longer a polyamory problem, and the title is misleading and basically incorrect at this point.
 
Magdlyn said:
Maybe it's best to stop posting about this on an open public board, since the authorities have become involved. This creep could find this thread pretty easily.

Also, this is no longer a polyamory problem, and the title is misleading and basically incorrect at this point.
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Very good points and the advice is much appreciated. Will do.
 
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