Etherealbeing
New member
Wanted to share a bit about my life and see if I can find some poly support.
I live alone with two kids and am dating a man who is married, polyamorous with two kids as well. I know wife, and we get along okay. I've been in this kind of relationship before, and it was difficult and beautiful. Now, with more experience maybe a little bit better, but struggling with some areas.
I want a close relationship, live together and all of it. I am someone who throws themself fully into a relationship. It doesn't really work for me to be a little bit of something. And as we have been dating for a 1-2 years depending on how we count I do like to be involved in my partners life more and more every day and see it going somewhere, with a mutual desire to live together one day, but no hurry as there are kids involved.
Things I'm currently struggling with:
1. Metamour relationship
In order to live together I would have to be friends with wife or at least get along well, and I do like her, there has even been some sexual/romantic interest, but I am scared of getting closer because of some red flags and my previous experiences. This summer I decided to get to know her better as I have time and space inside me. I just find myself very tired after getting to know wife more. She is beautiful and interesting, but also suffers from mental health stuff. I know she needs an ear and support. But being in this role of therapist and support person when I don't feel the same level of support from her makes me weary. I have told her before I can't help with their relationship problems, and am not the person to talk to if she has grudges with her husband, I just direct her to talk to him, a friend or a therapist, not me. Still, having to uphold this boundary is exhausting and I see she would really want and need me to be her support person, or maybe an ally, to understand and take her side in her struggles with her husband, there I draw the line. I have my own stuggles with my partner, luckily not the exact same ones or same way of dealing with them as they do, and I can't really help, because it's just not my place and because my answers wont work for her.
I'm feeling a bit of relief just writing about this. I see I just have to find a way to get to know her while keeping boundaries with her. From my position, of being the new person coming to their house, to their life, taking my kids there, I would like to have her take me in with some more hospitality, I don't know, respect, some boundaries. She does like me there and wants me there, but doesn't really, for example prepare a bed for me and my kids or ask what we or I would need to be comfortable, ask me how am i doing etc. It feels more like she needs me to be the grown up in this relationship and a listening ear, to make her comfortable, give her attention when I come to see my partner and so on.
I sometimes help with their house and kids. I do have boundaries around this. Sharing life like this is my desire, but I need it to be mutual. My partner does help me with stuff too. In their family dynamic my partner does most of the taking care of the house, and she is unable to admit this. At first I though it was just a regular couples quarrel about household chores, but as time has gone by I see my partner is right. Wife struggles with being alone with the kids, feeding them, participating in cleaning etc. When I am with them we do these with partner, she mostly focuses on her art and stuff. Also does crafts with the kids and is a loving mom, but the day to day housekeeping is minimal, just helping with something every once in a while. It's really exhausting for my partner, and she is oblivious of it and easily triggered when confronted about the subject.
So... I really don't have a choice of whether I want a relationship of some sort with her, there will be, at least the metamour relationship. Figuring out how or if it is possible to create a life together without burning out. I am too grown up to think people will change. I know she has good intentions, even if she doesn't know naturally what to do. I'll probably have to keep clear boundaries and make some requests etc. Also to some degree accept her for what she is. And that living together would mean me and partner take care of the house? Feels a bit heavy, but I am doing it alone right now anyway, so... Still I'd at least would need her to admit that's the situation and be a little grateful for it. Any advice?
2. The imbalances
Sometimes it feels heavy wanting to commit deeply to this relationships as I feel society will never see me as a full partner. I am afraid if I am putting my kids and myself in a precarious situation by thinking of moving in with them one day, even just being here with him/them now. A lot of it is stigma and minority stress. Had really bad experiences about this before and it still hurts. They do seem to have a real opennes to sharing life with me. But there is a rule, basically, that no more children be had. I also know marriage is not possible because of the law, even though we can make some other sorts of rituals and commitments. Also living together depends in reality on my ability to accept wife in my life.
Sometimes I worry of becoming a nanny, maid and support person. Specially considering wifes personality traits I see this would happen very easily. Being the one without any legal protection or backdrop to fall on if things go sideways it does feel like walking a bit on thin ice. There is a backdrop off course. I have my own friends and family nearby where I live. And from experience I know, going into a situation like this easily ends up in a situation where I am giving up my own life to join theirs, or is this a fear of mine? Both a fear and a possible reality if I don't keep my boundaries? Right now just considering if it would feel good to go to their place more this summer and spend more nights there. Slowly, while keeping my own home safe and still separate. Wanting to go there, not to join their life and relationship dynamic loosing myself, rather creating something new together.
3. Seeing other people
I like long commited relationships, and don't like chaos or constantly changing relationship dynamics. In a way the ideal situation for me would be to just be with my partner for a few, maybe five years for the relationship to settle before opening up to new people. But, I have encountered some interesting people before making a clear decision on this, and as my partner is married, I feel it difficult to just be with him for so long. It feels uneaven, and maybe the occasional date and texting with other people helps me feel like I still have my own life and opportunity for intimacy outside of the partner/wife/me polybubble. A little room to breathe outside the dynamic. But I often find myself thorn between needing this little breathing room and at the same time wanting to commit to this fully and giving the dynamic time to settle before introducing anything new.
I go back and forth between just wanting to be with him/them and needing freedom to explore other connections. Some sort of attachment confusion at play here for sure. But also, just real needs for safety, connection and on the other hand freedom, autonomy. Any thoughts on how I could stop the back and forth and find clear ground here?
Many themes in this one message. Mostly it just helps me get it out there as we live in an area where the polycircle is small and I don't feel comfortable going to a poly meeting to open up about things and have everyone know our difficulties. Feels better here, covered with some anonymity. Talking to monogamous friends mainly hurts again because they just wonder how can I be happy just being the sidechick and wouldn't I just want a "real" partner. Ugh. They try, but too often these thoughts shine through or come up at some point. My partner does his best to treat me like a princess, even though he is not perfect and has a busy life, but manages to makes time for us and has been making space for me in his life while respecting his commitments to his wife and family. Sometimes frustrating to be having to juggle time like this, which is also why I believe living together would be best in the long run, if we can make it work. Any advice and/or thoughts are very welcome.
I live alone with two kids and am dating a man who is married, polyamorous with two kids as well. I know wife, and we get along okay. I've been in this kind of relationship before, and it was difficult and beautiful. Now, with more experience maybe a little bit better, but struggling with some areas.
I want a close relationship, live together and all of it. I am someone who throws themself fully into a relationship. It doesn't really work for me to be a little bit of something. And as we have been dating for a 1-2 years depending on how we count I do like to be involved in my partners life more and more every day and see it going somewhere, with a mutual desire to live together one day, but no hurry as there are kids involved.
Things I'm currently struggling with:
1. Metamour relationship
In order to live together I would have to be friends with wife or at least get along well, and I do like her, there has even been some sexual/romantic interest, but I am scared of getting closer because of some red flags and my previous experiences. This summer I decided to get to know her better as I have time and space inside me. I just find myself very tired after getting to know wife more. She is beautiful and interesting, but also suffers from mental health stuff. I know she needs an ear and support. But being in this role of therapist and support person when I don't feel the same level of support from her makes me weary. I have told her before I can't help with their relationship problems, and am not the person to talk to if she has grudges with her husband, I just direct her to talk to him, a friend or a therapist, not me. Still, having to uphold this boundary is exhausting and I see she would really want and need me to be her support person, or maybe an ally, to understand and take her side in her struggles with her husband, there I draw the line. I have my own stuggles with my partner, luckily not the exact same ones or same way of dealing with them as they do, and I can't really help, because it's just not my place and because my answers wont work for her.
I'm feeling a bit of relief just writing about this. I see I just have to find a way to get to know her while keeping boundaries with her. From my position, of being the new person coming to their house, to their life, taking my kids there, I would like to have her take me in with some more hospitality, I don't know, respect, some boundaries. She does like me there and wants me there, but doesn't really, for example prepare a bed for me and my kids or ask what we or I would need to be comfortable, ask me how am i doing etc. It feels more like she needs me to be the grown up in this relationship and a listening ear, to make her comfortable, give her attention when I come to see my partner and so on.
I sometimes help with their house and kids. I do have boundaries around this. Sharing life like this is my desire, but I need it to be mutual. My partner does help me with stuff too. In their family dynamic my partner does most of the taking care of the house, and she is unable to admit this. At first I though it was just a regular couples quarrel about household chores, but as time has gone by I see my partner is right. Wife struggles with being alone with the kids, feeding them, participating in cleaning etc. When I am with them we do these with partner, she mostly focuses on her art and stuff. Also does crafts with the kids and is a loving mom, but the day to day housekeeping is minimal, just helping with something every once in a while. It's really exhausting for my partner, and she is oblivious of it and easily triggered when confronted about the subject.
So... I really don't have a choice of whether I want a relationship of some sort with her, there will be, at least the metamour relationship. Figuring out how or if it is possible to create a life together without burning out. I am too grown up to think people will change. I know she has good intentions, even if she doesn't know naturally what to do. I'll probably have to keep clear boundaries and make some requests etc. Also to some degree accept her for what she is. And that living together would mean me and partner take care of the house? Feels a bit heavy, but I am doing it alone right now anyway, so... Still I'd at least would need her to admit that's the situation and be a little grateful for it. Any advice?
2. The imbalances
Sometimes it feels heavy wanting to commit deeply to this relationships as I feel society will never see me as a full partner. I am afraid if I am putting my kids and myself in a precarious situation by thinking of moving in with them one day, even just being here with him/them now. A lot of it is stigma and minority stress. Had really bad experiences about this before and it still hurts. They do seem to have a real opennes to sharing life with me. But there is a rule, basically, that no more children be had. I also know marriage is not possible because of the law, even though we can make some other sorts of rituals and commitments. Also living together depends in reality on my ability to accept wife in my life.
Sometimes I worry of becoming a nanny, maid and support person. Specially considering wifes personality traits I see this would happen very easily. Being the one without any legal protection or backdrop to fall on if things go sideways it does feel like walking a bit on thin ice. There is a backdrop off course. I have my own friends and family nearby where I live. And from experience I know, going into a situation like this easily ends up in a situation where I am giving up my own life to join theirs, or is this a fear of mine? Both a fear and a possible reality if I don't keep my boundaries? Right now just considering if it would feel good to go to their place more this summer and spend more nights there. Slowly, while keeping my own home safe and still separate. Wanting to go there, not to join their life and relationship dynamic loosing myself, rather creating something new together.
3. Seeing other people
I like long commited relationships, and don't like chaos or constantly changing relationship dynamics. In a way the ideal situation for me would be to just be with my partner for a few, maybe five years for the relationship to settle before opening up to new people. But, I have encountered some interesting people before making a clear decision on this, and as my partner is married, I feel it difficult to just be with him for so long. It feels uneaven, and maybe the occasional date and texting with other people helps me feel like I still have my own life and opportunity for intimacy outside of the partner/wife/me polybubble. A little room to breathe outside the dynamic. But I often find myself thorn between needing this little breathing room and at the same time wanting to commit to this fully and giving the dynamic time to settle before introducing anything new.
I go back and forth between just wanting to be with him/them and needing freedom to explore other connections. Some sort of attachment confusion at play here for sure. But also, just real needs for safety, connection and on the other hand freedom, autonomy. Any thoughts on how I could stop the back and forth and find clear ground here?
Many themes in this one message. Mostly it just helps me get it out there as we live in an area where the polycircle is small and I don't feel comfortable going to a poly meeting to open up about things and have everyone know our difficulties. Feels better here, covered with some anonymity. Talking to monogamous friends mainly hurts again because they just wonder how can I be happy just being the sidechick and wouldn't I just want a "real" partner. Ugh. They try, but too often these thoughts shine through or come up at some point. My partner does his best to treat me like a princess, even though he is not perfect and has a busy life, but manages to makes time for us and has been making space for me in his life while respecting his commitments to his wife and family. Sometimes frustrating to be having to juggle time like this, which is also why I believe living together would be best in the long run, if we can make it work. Any advice and/or thoughts are very welcome.