Friendship risk? Should I ask my friend if her partners knows that she likes me?

[innerstrengh800]

Long story. I made a post before about this situation.

[Mod note: Here is the original thread for reference. https://polyamory.com/threads/my-be...tner-seemingly-open-poly-relationship.157918/ ]

I'm trying to find a good way of asking what's going on between me and her without hurting anyone. We haven't expressed any romantic feelings, but there's constant tension. She's always making attempts and hints with me, but I keep backing away.

I like her, but I'm not gonna make a move based on the fact that she has a partner already. She often makes these attempts in front of him, like he's in on it, or maybe in a way that she "can't help herself."

I just want the tension to loosen up a bit. It's a hard one, because I feel if I make a move, my friend would get super jealous. As a friend, I love her, so I'm a bit worried.

 

[Tinwen]

I don't think there is a workaround. Just have that conversation

 

[Evie]

Yeah, just ask outright if they practice EMN or polyamory. You could bring it up with regards to one of the myriad of movies, books and TV shows out there now so more and more people know that these are these days. If they say no, then continue shutting the attention down. If they say yes, then enquire about flirting back.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi innerstrengh800,

Well don't jump the gun. Start out by asking her if she has heard of polyamory and how she feels about it. If she responds positively, you could follow up with, "I find you very attractive." You do have to lean on your friendship with her a little.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening.

She's always making attempts and hints with me, but I keep backing away.

If this behavior makes you tense, you could tell her more directly to stop hitting on you. You could tell her you don't want anything other than friendship and to please respect your limit.

You could decide, even if they are into ENM or polyamory, that you just don't want to date this friend, ever.

How "friendly" is their behavior if they keep putting you in uncomfortable situations like this, and you keep having to back away? It certainly isn't kind. You may have to revaluate this whole friendship, and if it's a healthy one or not.

GG

 

[innerstrengh800]

If this behavior makes you tense, you could tell her more directly to stop hitting on you. You could tell her you don't want anything other than friendship and to please respect your limit.

You could decide, even if they are into ENM or polyamory, that you just don't want to date this friend, ever.

How "friendly" is their behavior if they keep putting you in uncomfortable situations like this, and you keep having to back away? It certainly isn't kind. You may have to revaluate this whole friendship and see if it's a healthy one or not.

I meant this figuratively. There's nothing negative or forceful about how she acts with me. I'm talking about there are definite hints of her liking me, and I'm shy and cautious about it. Like, she stares deeply at me, or wants to hold my hand. It's very innocent.

I'm the single person and I haven't met anyone I'm interested in. I took a definite shine to my friend when I met her. I've honestly always had a bit of a crush on her, too. It's a mutual situation.

This is why I think her partner is in on it. But I don't know him that well to ask either of them questions. It's like I'm close with my friend, but I always have to keep my mouth closed, just in case.

There's a lot to the whole scenario, especially depending on their future. Me and my friend have talked about open relationships before. Lately there has just been a lot of tension.

 

[innerstrengh800]

I think I'm hoping if there's a chance of a poly relationship, I want it to work in the healthiest way. I don't it to feel like there's "love bombing" or clinginess or neediness. I appreciate my best friend so much. I don't want to feel like there are no chances there, going both ways with us. I can tell she's very emotional over me, but she tries to hide it.

 

[GalaGirl]

From your other post:

However, I've noticed a few times he's quite insulting towards her, though I'm not sure he realises. Whenever they discuss something personal and important to her, he's never on board as to why it's important, like fixing something with sentimental value. He thought he was being funny and right, but he was being rude. And this was in front of everyone. She was clearly unhappy, but I didn't notice until I realised she was looking right at me, all sad, like she knew I would have understood straight away, based on our bond. She and I talk without talking a lot. When I noticed, I thought, "Oh shit, that actually hurt her." I've made it my personal boundary that I don't intervene with their relationship.

she puts on a show a bit to hide her bad emotions with him. I've tried not to have an opinion when she talks about arguing with him.

That relationship doesn't sound great.

So, you either say nothing, and shelve the idea of poly dating her, if she's still involved with this wonky dude, or you make it known to her that you'd like to date her if she's ever free of him and has had time to heal from that break-up. And you don't date her til she actually is free of him and is actually healed.

Don't become her steppingstone out of a bad relationship, or worse, her "crutch" relationship, to enable her to endure this wonky one.

You have to think about your own health and well-being.

So, if you value the friendship, I suggest leaving it as friends and saying nothing for now. Dating you might be premature if the main focus needs to be on her leaving a bad and/or abusive relationship and healing from that first.

Don't let them unicorn-hunt you, either.

I'm hoping if there's a chance of a poly relationship, I want it to work in the healthiest way.

If that is your hope, you align your behaviors to the goal. Stand back. Don't let yourself get sucked into murky waters.

GG