Got my Stitch Fix again yesterday - I asked for all pants and waterproof boots and I got one pair of pants that didn’t fit and no boots. Lame. However, I did get this sweet purple sweater for free because I had credits.
Thanks! Things have been looking up. I’m anxious here and there, but I think it’s a rare person these days that isn’t experiencing issues - whether it is because of Covid or other stressors. My Blessing Box, my relationships - almost everything is impacted by the stupid virus. But, right now things are good for us. Moving forward!
Oh, I have never thought of it as overrated. I enjoy being married to DarkKnight, and I find calmness in the “old-fashioned” way that our lives fit together.
Would I still feel the same way, without that piece of paper? I certainly didn’t feel that my marriage to PunkRock was any less without it, but apparently he did. I would not want to lose the sense of togetherness and partnership that I have with DarkKnight, that is for sure.
I guess to me, making a declaration, being joined in ceremony - it’s important. Maybe it isn’t to others, but it is to me. If I am making serious plans for the future, not only remaining nesting partners, but purchasing property together, planning retirement, growing together - I want that promise.
I recognize that MisterMoonbeam is in no place to make that decision, and I am okay with that for now. Maybe he won’t ever be, and that may or may not be fine. I honestly don’t know. We are coming up on our first anniversary, and there is so much that has been different and unexpected in both of our lives over this year.
However, I do feel confident in saying I could say yes right now and be certain that I could make a life plan with him. I also know that I am quick to make that decision, when I have made it in the past. That doesn’t mean that he comes to decisions in the same way, or that he needs to. Maybe he won’t ever want to have that level of connection, as he finds it unnecessary or an unwelcome level of responsibility or interdependence. But maybe eventually I would be unable to move forward in my own life without it, with him. I don’t know.
As I said, I am comfortable right now where we are at. I was surprised as well that the comments effected me, but an evening of uncertainty is all that happened as a result. The uncertainty was more along the lines of fear of the unknown and moving forward with my plans for my future with someone that isn’t “all in.” But it’s not necessary right now; there’s no need to rush anything at all. I would want him to be feeling level-headed and knowing more about what he wants for his own heart before anything like an engagement happened.
I really, really would not be okay with tethering my life again to someone who hadn’t thought it through. Not every love is meant to last. I do want to see how this one grows though.
I spent some time this weekend working on the unfinished side of our basement. I had both guys helping at different times, and the back room is looking much better! The sides are lined with larger shelving, and all of it is emptied now, and we’ve relocated all of the holiday bins to another area, and once the snow stops, a bunch of stuff is being brought up to the porch to donate.
I did get DarkKnight to go through his beer making equipment. He hasn’t made any alcohol since moving to our home, because of PunkRock’s issues. He is excited about buying an outdoor burner and starting up his hobby again once the weather improves. What was cool was that he was able to put together almost a complete package for a beginner, out of all of the equipment he had. So I will be offering that through the Blessing Box to someone this upcoming week.
Here’s a photo of the finished area that is now decorated to storing all of his beer stuff. I am happy for him, to finally have a place for it all in one space. (The boxes are all full of bottles.)
I did more reading this weekend too, on nonprofits. I was anxious about bylaws, but now that I have read some, it seems very straightforward. I had another offer from a friend to sit on my Board of Directors, but I think I should have all of the positions filled, once I start asking people! I am holding off until I have some of the paperwork ready to go.
Wow, so I was up all night until 5:30 am this morning! Absolutely no reason why! I don’t think I was feeling anxious or upset or anything. I was just scrolling Reddit and being awake in my brain. Today I am the opposite of that - holy hell my head is in a fog!
Both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam are working from home today, but the Box is closed due to the weather. Plus of course, because I am a zombie.
Struggling with my hair color today. It’s almost 100% silver now. I don’t know what to do with it - I’ve been thinking about growing it long and coloring the tips blue or purple or who knows what. Here I am a year ago with my red and now with my natural color! It’s now been over a year since I had it dyed.
Some days I feel very vibrant with the white hair, but other days I feel old as shit. I realized today that I haven’t had hair past my shoulders since I was in high school, so I might let it grow long, just because I haven’t in so long. I think it’d be cute in Princess Leia buns!
So I have my first huge YES regarding my nonprofit - I have a Vice President for my Board of Directors! I have a list of people who said they were willing to be on it, but I am taking my time to make sure I pick who I think is best. This is someone who didn’t reach out, but has always been supportive.
I read another book about forming a Board of Directors, and what sort of direction you should take when setting it up. I know I don’t want a fundraising board - though that wouldn’t be terrible! - as I just want a group of people who can keep me on mission and share ideas.
I have a to do list that’s growing, and I plan to get a bunch going this Friday, which is my next day off. I have 95% for sure decided on a name, and I will be purchasing an internet domain. I think things will start feeling real once that is done. I sent out a request to a graphic designer that was recommended to me by the person who will be designing and managing our website already, but there has been no response, so I need to follow up with that. I feel like other than the name, the logo design will be the most important thing!
Meanwhile I have been crazy busy with the Blessing Box just as it is at the moment. I just had a doorbell ring and a new car seat got dropped off, and I have a microwave in my overflow space waiting for pickup. I have a preemie that was born recently who went home with grandma yesterday, and I have had a steady amount of contact from both mom and grandma. I have some Neosure formula going over to them tomorrow (they have a WIC appointment but it’s not until next week), along with diapers, some new clothing and a thermometer. I have a rocking chair being delivered to their house tomorrow evening too, and I helped them get a free car seat as well. Behind the scenes, I have an entire house full of furniture that I have been scheduling for deliveries to people in 3 different states (W Virginia, Maryland and Pennsylvania) and the first load gets moved tonight and then again on Thursday and Friday, and I am following up with maybe Sunday as well. Beyond that I will probably need two more appointments. It takes a ton of work to coordinate everyone - the donor, the delivery guy, and the recipients - but it is well worth it!
Just realized that maybe that last bit was unclear. When I said I had a house full of furniture to move - it’s not my house. Lol I’ve been really careful the last couple of years to keep bigger items off my property and instead have them go directly from the donor to the recipient. I have a delivery guy that does this for free, after he gets out of work. He’s an absolute gem. But anyway, a follower is clearing out her late MIL’s home and they are donating an absolute TON of stuff, and I am sending it all over the area.
I’m so excited this morning - I registered my domain for the new Blessing Box name. I bought both the .org and the .com endings, as it was only $22 a year. My website person is setting up a landing page right now. That’s all it is going to be for a little while - I have to focus on the irs paperwork first.
Actually, the next step is the logo design. I have a phone appointment on Monday afternoon to talk to the peep my website person recommended. She is charging me $250 since I’m a nonprofit, which is great. I was worried it was going to be $500+. I have seen her other work and it’s very much in the style I like, so I am bouncy! So freaking squeeee!
I have yet to crowdfund anything for the setup stuff, but $250 is doable on my own. I go back and forth with how much to share on the Facebook page. So far I’ve only shared that we are becoming a nonprofit.
Oh! I went to a remax website and looked at commercial properties for sale and I found several that were in our price range and would be potentials. Of course we are not buying now, but it was neat to see that there are options now which probably means options later. It got me all excited even more.
I am actually going to sit down on Monday and try and focus on getting my mission statement and bylaws typed up.
After my positive experiences with work on my nonprofit stuff yesterday morning, MisterMoonbeam and I spent the afternoon emptying more of his storage unit. We moved two carloads to the house, and we can see the wall at the back of the unit now! It felt like a huge win, as we can see the progress we have made!
We emptied several DVD boxes, and then sorted through them quickly - there are seriously like 100 that he got rid of. Both of my daughters are stopping by today to take whichever ones they’d like. Most of the other boxes went right into the van for storage here at the house - we will empty them out 3 or 4 a day, until we get to Feb 19th and go back to the unit to snag some more.
I have a plan in place - we are going to do all of the Rubbermaid totes after the 19th, which are full of holiday decorations. There are maybe 10 of those in the storage unit, 5 or so in the basement already, and then I have all of my own Christmas bins as well. Definitely time to consolidate and get rid of some things! Today we are going to go to Home Depot in preparation for that, to pick up matching bins for the shelving we cleared out already in the basement. I think the plan is to buy 8 or so higher-quality totes, so we have them ready when we tackle this stuff.
After that, all that will be in the storage unit is the motor scooter, some furniture and about 100 boxes full of art supplies. Jewelry making items, painting supplies, scrapbooking stuff, soap and candle making materials - MisterMoonbeam’s late wife was a HUGE crafter. This amount is a little daunting! Before packing it all up, several of her friends came over and took what they thought they would use, but there is soooo much left! A lot of her sewing items are gone, but every other crafty hobby (including stamping) is very well represented here! There is no way our home can house all of it, and never in a million years could I even use all of it. I think a lot will end up on Marketplace for sale.
Anyway, I do think we are on track to have our goal of emptying the storage done, by the end of April. Whoo hoo!
Today was very busy for me. I filled the Blessing Box a couple of times, though I had officially closed while I ran errands. One of my volunteers had a death in the family, so I stopped by visiting hours, before heading to the bank to transfer money around and pay my son’s rent and internet bill. I also picked up 30 boxes of produce from a nearby church, and spent some time sorting through it, as some of the onions had rotted in the cold, apparently.
I took a trip to the Dollar Store as well - I need to get some items for the Valentine’s Day tea that DarkKnight and I are going to do to celebrate the holiday this year. I don’t particularly care for pink and red, so for colors we are doing blue and white! I bought lace paper doilies, some curling ribbon, stuff like that. Tonight he and I stopped at the grocery store and picked up some items there as well. One of the sandwiches we are making was supposed to be a mango chutney spread with a curried chicken salad. We couldn’t find mango chutney, so I snagged some fig jam and a red pepper jelly. I mixed some up tonight and we did a taste test. Both were delicious, but we agreed we preferred the red pepper jelly mix. I am excited for the weekend!
Actually, things got switched around - we had planned to have our tea together on Sunday, but when MisterMoonbeam made reservations for our Escape Room, we ended up having to change days. We are going to do the tea on Saturday, as the Escape Room got booked for Sunday. The company sent an email out tonight showcasing a discount and free chocolate cookies for a Sunday reservation! Im excited about this too - it’s a Jurassic Park themed room where we are trying to escape cloned dinosaurs at a theme park. Lol
I was aggravated this afternoon though - the graphic designer I had been taking to about designing a logo completely ghosted me and didn’t call at 3 pm as she had said she would. I tried calling her and it went straight to voicemail. I didn’t leave a message. She sent an email close to 4, apologizing, saying a different client called and she couldn’t contact me as agreed. This pissed me off, because if she was on another unscheduled call, couldn’t she just text? And like, at the time we had agreed, not almost an hour after the time? I am thinking I am done with her and maybe I will find someone who actually is in my city, but I am going to sleep on it. This artist was recommended by my friend in Connecticut, and she lives there as well.
Health wise, things have not been so good around here. I have been having massive pains in my left arm, which are made worse by holding or using my phone - which is pretty much what I use to exist all day. I have had insomnia for the last week, not falling asleep until 5 am. It’s awful. I’m pretty sure the pain is originating from the lump I was supposed to have removed in 2019, but then got sick and had to cancel the surgery. At this point, I’d probably have to get new images taken and start the process over. Ugh.
MisterMoonbeam has a dermatologist appointment coming up - he has had a bump on his dick for a while, which the doctor said was a benign cyst. It wasn’t hurting or anything - just hanging out. It was tiny, like a little pimple. Well over the weekend it grew huge and scabby and red, causing him much discomfort and pain. I had him take a warm bath and soak it, and cover it with a compress. Of course that made it more angry and swollen. He sent pics to his doctor, and he said to continue what I was telling him to do, and he’s covering it in Neosporin now. It’s improving. But this means no sex. So that sucks.
DarkKnight is actually doing okay. He is doing some sort of healthy program to lose weight.
Ugh another night of insomnia. I actually got up in the middle of the night and read my book because it was like, whatever. I read Solutions and Other Problems, and honestly it wasn’t that funny. I was disappointed, because the author’s other book, Hyperbole and a Half, was amazingly hilarious. This one was written with an emphasis on her depression and struggles, and I just couldn’t get into it. Maybe I am not in the right headspace.
Today is my official day off but I do have some things I want to get done. Still, I keep thinking “work-life balance!” So maybe I will just lay in bed and hope to fall asleep at some point today. I already feel like a zombie.
So I got my period tonight. Of course I fucking did, since we are celebrating Valentine’s Day this weekend. I have terrible cramps right now, and it’s exactly 28 days and I guess it couldn’t fucking wait.
I’ve been depressed the last couple of days so I guess that may be a reason, but of course it’s both the anniversary of my dad’s passing and I’m coming up on the one year mark of PunkRock leaving me. Things haven’t been fun to think about. I called my mom today and she hasn’t gotten vaccinated yet so I chided her a bit on that, but since she is so far right now she really believes it’s no huge deal. I worry about her.
I got invited to a party next Friday, and I was bummed to tell my friend no. Like, I don’t get why people think that suddenly things are okay. I want to go so much, but there is no way I could say yes and feel safe or good about that.
Ugh. Facebook memories suck. It’s sad to see my Valentine’s Day plans with PunkRock through the years, but I have to say there’s another emotion as well. I don’t know how to best describe it. I look at his photo, and I am completely not attracted to him. It’s like I am looking at a stranger. I feel sadness because I know who he was to me, but I feel nothing else because he’s no longer that person, and neither am I.
When I feel depressed or down, it’s never because I am missing PunkRock the person. It’s the feelings - I remember what he said and how terrible he made me feel. Like suddenly I was nothing, and undeserving of his attention or time. Never have I ever felt that in another breakup, that I can remember. It was devastating, and it’s still echoing in my mind.
It’s been pretty intense - the reminders of those feelings, this month. Probably because of the anniversary of the breakup. I let them fill me for a little bit, but I’m trying not to let them fester. I’m worthy of love, and I am a good person.
Here is a recent pic of me from earlier this week. I took it because the T-shirt is new, but also because I needed a way to announce the changes to my Blessing Box, and how I’m going to be filing for legal non-profit status, so I will be legit. Part of the new name will be the HopeBox. Both because I like how it sounds, but also I’ve finally decided to definitely change my middle name to Hope.
Yes, I block some of them, but for the most part, I let my life alone. Each year will be less of a trauma.
This year, I had an amazing Valentine’s Day weekend! DarkKnight and I did a queen’s tea party at home together, with homemade scones, tea sandwiches, made-from-scratch tomato soup and chocolate covered strawberries. And several types of tea! MisterMoonbeam and I went to a dinosaur-themed escape room - which we won in about half the time allotted! I think the people running the place were surprised - we certainly were. Lol
Oh I am exhausted today! I went shopping last night and got everything I needed to do a meat giveaway for the Blessing Box, but it was a big one - 7 days worth of different types of meat. Let's see - 2 pounds of ground beef, 2 cans of tuna, a pack of hot dogs, a kielbasa, a pack of like 4 or so ham steaks, a large pack of chicken quarters and some pork chops. Everyone who was picked for the giveaway got all of this, 20 people in all. Today was supposed to be the signups, which last an hour, but it usually takes me about an hour and a half to get through all of the messages. Then I do a quick video of the numbers being chosen by a random generator online, and then I post it up. THEN I have to message everyone who won, scheduling pick up times. Well, pickup was originally planned for Thursday, but there's more bad weather coming, so I figured fuck it, let everyone come now. So between 2:30 and 4:00 pm today I had 18 people come and pick up their meat! That means I had to put together all of that into bags. Gah! It might not sound like a lot, but it was! I am wiped. I had a volunteer here to help, but I had her working on clothing requests and organizing little packs of chips, granola bars and snack stuff most of the time, because that was all a mess.
I'm doing laundry right now - I scooped up my clothes that were piled up with some towels in the main bathroom on the floor. I emptied the litter boxes in MisterMoonbeam's bedroom and office after the Blessing Box closed at 4 pm. BugGirl is sick due to kidney pains so she isn't coming to clean today and those need to be done! So do the rest of the litter boxes, but I can't find the long-handled scooper - it's probably in the basement. I'll check when I go down to get pajamas on, which hopefully will be soon. Like I said, I'm exhausted! DarkKnight is out picking up some drinks - we are out of diet soda and bottled water.
Tomorrow is my day off, but if BugGirl isn't any better, I will have to vacuum and clean the floors in here. Ugh. I really just want to spend the day curled up on the couch, reading about nonprofit paperwork. That doesn't really sound like fun, but I feel motivated to start getting the paperwork completed. I read yesterday that it takes about 100 hours to get everything in order for a 5013c. Ugh.
Oh! Positive though - I heard back from the logo designer (I did end up deciding to give her another shot at things) and she gave me 3 different logo mockups. The first really hit it out of the park! I am super excited because its so simple, yet fits so perfectly! We had some back and forth yesterday about color options and she sent me more pictures and I am just over the moon! She said her $250 estimate was a little high, so she wants to lower the cost to reflect what it really cost her, and she will be sending me an invoice the next couple of days. HOWEVER, she doesn't want me to pay her. Instead she wants me to pay myself for all the amazing things I do with this organization! This totally blew me away, but she was adamant that she wants to do more volunteering, and this really fits with her idea of a helping the community. So, that happened.
Another thing to mention is that DarkKnight and I had conversation last night about our 15 year wedding anniversary, which is in March. He thinks we should go to the beach, since we had to cancel our Christmas trip. He says he thinks its important for me to be able to experience and make new memories on the water with him. Be still my heart! Anyway, I spent a few minutes looking at pricing and it looks like things will still be cheap because of the weather. I think we may end up in Virginia Beach, which I have never been to before. That said, MisterMoonbeam and I already have plans for our one year dating anniversary - in late March - we are going to go to this cool brewhouse in Pennsylvania that has haunted rooms and a fancy restaurant in some catacombs. It sounds super cool. He actually mentioned this place in our very first OKCupid conversation, and I am excited to go there with him. When Covid restrictions are gone, they have ghost hunting, murder mysteries and medieval feasts there, which sounds like a blast. Apparently they also have an escape room! DarkKnight says that he wants to date MisterMoonbeam so he can go to the brewhouse too. LMAO He pouted a little when he heard about it and then said that our anniversary is first on the calendar, so if I agreed to it, we could sneak over and go there together FIRST. He's such a trip! He was joking, of course, about "stealing" the getaway, but I do think he would enjoy going there later! Honestly, between the two of them, things are so smooth here at the house. I feel very loved and cherished. I hope they feel the same - I do my best to make sure they do!