Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Hubby considers himself heteroflexible. 99% straight but every once in a while there's a guy that he is sexually drawn to. And he's very comfortable with incidental contact that comes with a threesome with another guy. Lol
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Maybe you already learned this, but pansexual (which I am) means being attracted to all genders, that is, to cis, trans, or non-binary people.
 

ref2018

Maid of All Work
Staff member
I have heard of "situationally bi," which means you're not *usually* attracted to one of the sexes, but every once in a while, there is someone of the "non-preferred" sex that you are.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Pansexual as a label leaves me with concerns - primarily that I believe trans women (and men) are women (and men). I feel like bisexual already covers them as someone I’d be DTF, and using pansexual seems a teensy like invalidating that. I’m still thinking that one through. On the surface, I think pansexual fits. This is all still new to me though. I’m happy with saying Questioning!

The more I read and think about a sexual encounter with a woman, the hornier I get. And I am not just daydreaming about ButterCup - it’s just women in general now. I’m afraid I’ve opened the floodgates!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Floodgates lol
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
So last night I got home and took a shower. I crawled into bed with MisterMoonbeam and realized that something wasn’t right. I ended up driving him to the ER and they thought he was having a heart attack. His resting heart rate was 178. This is his third trip to the ER this year! They wouldn’t let me go back with him so I had to sit in the waiting room crying.

They had him in an isolation ward and when they finally let me go to him, he was resting comfortably. They had given him 12 mg of adenosine, which may mean something to someone reading this. Anyway, it had zero effects, so they ended up having to give it again, which popped him back down to 112, in a second, thank goodness.

They let him go home around 1 am after a normal EKG. We are waiting to hear from his cardiologist. They said he will be seeing an electrophysiologist. They think he’s a candidate for ablation. They want to burn up whatever nerves are making his heart go nuts for no reason.

This was such a mess for me - all I could think about was if maybe that was the last time I would see him alive, and how powerless I felt because I have no paperwork with him. They didn’t have to let me back to see him, and I have no rights to say anything at all. It was scary and I cried a LOT.

He stayed home from work today and said he will work on getting the papers done so I can be his health care proxy. I hope so because that was fucking beyond terrifying.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Today was crazy hot out. 100. The humidity was gross. I still opened up the Box at 11 am, and there was a line. I didn’t shower and by the time everyone had left from the first wave, my hair was soaking wet. Ugh. We went through 2 cases of water today - people were walking from downtown. This made my heart hurt. :(

One young dad told me he had been using paper towels as diapers the last two days but he couldn’t keep doing that so he came over in spite of the heat. I was able to hook him up with not only diapers and wipes, but brand new steel toed boots from our boot bank, as he was starting a new job on Wednesday. He actually started crying. I also got to rehome 3 air conditioners today, and everyone who received one was very happy!
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
SirGawain said he loves me too, when he hung up the phone tonight! Squeeeeeeee!

During the day I have to still my NRE brain, but right now, nope! Let those butterflies be free!

I’m feeling bouncy and happy right now!

More exclamation points!!!
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I have been very confused lately by my Animal Oracle deck. It used to be that I would pull a 3-card spread and everything would make instant sense. The last two readings I’ve done, this hasn’t been the case.

That said, maybe I just need time. This particular reading I did last week:

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At first I was confused, because both the reversed fire dragon and reversed bear have to do with anger, primarily. However, they can also point to anxiety and confusion, which make much more sense. In this reading, I wanted guidance with my feelings for ButterCup.

The reverse fire dragon is a warning of sorts, that there is anger (or anxiety) present, and I need to give it over to the dragon so as not to injure myself or others emotionally. The Otter is very clear - it means to enjoy all playtime with happiness and openness, to revel in fun. The reversed bear is again a caution to not be overwhelmed by anger (or primal feelings) as it could lead to destroying my own life or someone else’s. So I need to lean on the bear to bring balance.

I don’t feel at all angry, so this really confused me at the time, but if I substitute the other meanings - such as anxiety and primal feelings - this now makes sense to me.

I tried to do a reading this morning, focusing on my relationship with SirGawain, and it makes no sense at all. I’m going to take a look at it later again to see if it becomes clear. The owl is really throwing me off, but it’s not like the others make any more sense.

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breathemusic

Active member
Pansexual as a label leaves me with concerns - primarily that I believe trans women (and men) are women (and men). I feel like bisexual already covers them as someone I’d be DTF, and using pansexual seems a teensy like invalidating that. I’m still thinking that one through. On the surface, I think pansexual fits. This is all still new to me though. I’m happy with saying Questioning!

The more I read and think about a sexual encounter with a woman, the hornier I get. And I am not just daydreaming about ButterCup - it’s just women in general now. I’m afraid I’ve opened the floodgates!
I saw a good write up on this recently that noted that bi-sexial doesn't actually mean attracted to men and women, it means attracted to multiple (two) genders. I think that there are also more than just 2 genders, seeing as there are non-binary folk, and a whole spectrum as some folk don't really identify well with either gender. So I think for that reason, there are some folks that definitely believe that pansexual covers a broader spectrum as it means attracted to ALL genders, where as bi-sexual is a more specific as it is a subset of genders.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
The differentiation I use and have seen others use is that pansexual is attracted to people regardless of gender, while bisexual is attracted to your own gender and others. This is why I still identify as bi - gender is _definitely_ a factor in attractions, it’s just that I happen to be attracted to several different ones.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I saw a good write up on this recently that noted that bi-sexial doesn't actually mean attracted to men and women, it means attracted to multiple (two) genders. I think that there are also more than just 2 genders, seeing as there are non-binary folk, and a whole spectrum as some folk don't really identify well with either gender. So I think for that reason, there are some folks that definitely believe that pansexual covers a broader spectrum as it means attracted to ALL genders, where as bi-sexual is a more specific as it is a subset of genders.
I see bisexual as meaning multiple genders, 2+. So it can include just about anything.

I would hesitate to call myself pansexual because I haven’t met someone of all genders - I mean, I’d be open to it, but how can you really know?
The differentiation I use and have seen others use is that pansexual is attracted to people regardless of gender, while bisexual is attracted to your own gender and others. This is why I still identify as bi - gender is _definitely_ a factor in attractions, it’s just that I happen to be attracted to several different ones.
I don’t know if I could say gender doesn’t factor into my attraction at this point. When I see someone that I am interested in, I definitely notice their gender.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Feeling out of sorts and disconnected from all of my partners today.

MisterMoonbeam shared a stupid meme that has me up in my feels. He said he didn’t think of me when he posted, and I wish he would have. He’s still recovering from his arrhythmia and he hasn’t done anything at all with the paperwork like he said he would. I don’t feel secure.

I miss sleeping with my husband and I wish the central air company would come fucking fix this mess they made. It’s too hot in my house to sit in the living room and snuggle, and it’s definitely impossible to spoon in his bed together. Physical touch is my love language and this heat is making loving him in the way I want, prohibitive.

Only seeing SirGawain every few days makes my heart sad and the NRE unbearable. I wish he lived closer and had normal working hours so I could see him every day. I realize this is not going to happen so I have to suck it up. Things could be worse but that doesn’t mean I’m not discontented at the moment.

Confusion over ButterCup and having these feelings for women in general, makes me unhappy. I want to know who I am. This sudden shift has me horny AF but also just anxious about what else about myself I don’t know.

I am a whine-ass today. Ugh.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I am trying to nail down plans for the holiday weekend, and that’s not really going smoothly. Initially I really wanted to go and see ButterCup and her husband, but unfortunately SirGawain was so negative and off-putting about it, it made me take a step back to really try and figure out why. When I told him I might go by myself, that didn’t seem to make him any happier. So I’m apt to pump the brakes on that just to see what’s up.

It also didn’t help that I couldn’t really afford to pay for gas, food and two nights in a hotel all by myself! Stupid mortgage being due.

As it turns out though, BugGirl has her very first day pass on Saturday, so she can leave rehab with me, for 6 hours. So I am definitely not going to miss that.

But I am down, make no mistake. I really wanted to go and meet up with ButterCup and see if that initial attraction is still there, and to finally meet her husband in person. It’s disappointing, not gonna lie. My weekends are pretty much booked up until August now, and I am planning to go to New York to see my family one weekend that month.

So anyway, my plans are still in flux for this weekend. It’s still too fucking hot with the central air being broken, so I don’t believe we will be hosting a family BBQ. I’m thinking Saturday I will pick up BugGirl and we will spend at least a couple of hours at her apartment packing things up. As far as Sunday and Monday goes, I have no idea! DarkKnight definitely has Monday off, and MisterMoonbeam says he thinks he does. Not sure about SirGawain.

I’m at the point now with the broken central air that I am calling every day to see about the parts that were supposed to be here last week. They told me yesterday they were supposed to be delivered again in the late afternoon, so I am going to give them the morning to call me before I check in.

Also, it’s BeanBoy’s moving day. We are covering the cost of his uhaul since he doesn’t get his disability check until Saturday. LittleMichigan is driving the truck; I have to go pick her up at 9:30 this morning. Her boyfriend is supposed to be helping load stuff. When we finally get to the apartment, I will probably be packing up the kitchen - my friend says he needs dishes and pots & pans for the new house, and those are in plentiful supply and we’re going to be going into storage, so instead BeanBoy will be taking those along.

The heat is insane today already, so I am not looking forward to this. I did cancel my weekly pickup at the consignment shop in Martinsburg - I don’t have the time in the schedule to handle that. However, I do have 3 people stopping by this morning: a new air conditioner is going to a disabled woman who just had surgery on her foot, a mom asked for pull-ups for her child, and a grandmother needs a pack n play so she can watch her new grandson.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Yesterday was crazy. I got BeanBoy all moved to his new place, with help from LittleMichigan and her boyfriend. After DarkKnight got off of work, I drove back to the new residence with him and MisterMoonbeam, so they could get the tour. I also took BeanBoy grocery shopping and we spent $300 stocking up his fridge and freezer. I think I spent close to $600 yesterday, all told, to get him settled. Now I am broke as a joke.

Last night I did spend with SirGawain. I almost called off because I spent the entire day driving and moving stuff and sweating like crazy. However, I really wanted to see him, so I went. I’m glad I did - he makes me so happy. 🥰

Actually, I attempted to watch lesbian porn for the first time, but could not get myself into it at all. The first video had two older women cutting off a fishnet body stocking off of a chick in a cage. It was so not sexy. Then SirGawain picked a “sensual” video of two young women making out and making love - nothing. I was pretty disappointed.

This morning I decided to search for more hardcore sort of videos, and yep, I found one that had me excited in no time at all. I guess my porn likes are similar, no matter if it involves all women, or women and men together! I masturbated and then took a short nap. Afterward I went and got kisses from MisterMoonbeam at work, and directed his hand upwards until he helped me have another good time. 😈
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I woke up with a headache this morning but I am feeling better now. MisterMoonbeam gave me two Advil and after sleeping for another 3 hours I definitely felt better. I have bad cramps though - I’ve been pooping consistently since awakening. Ugh.

For a day off, my house has been pretty busy. I had two more brand new AC units delivered and they’re gone already. I have a social worker coming over soon to pick up dog food for a client. At the moment though, I am sitting at the car dealership, waiting for an oil change.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Total AC count for yesterday ended up being 3 new and 1 used. Pretty sweet! This morning when I arrived home from an overnight with SirGawain, there were two more new ones waiting. Yay!!

Actually, on the way home I grabbed subs from Jersey Mike’s, and DarkKnight & I had an impromptu lunch date in city park together. I love him so much!!!

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Bluebird

Well-known member
So excited and happy that I got to see my BugGirl yesterday! She earned furlough, and I got to pick her up from rehab for 6 hours. It went very quickly!

First she spent an hour cleaning my house - I have always paid her $20/hour and she asked me if she could do it each time she is able to come over. She owes LittleMichigan $70/month for her cell phone, even though it’s still locked up in a drawer at rehab for the next 7 months. Her idea is to work for me every week if she can, and then I can transfer the money directly to her sister. I was happy to help her handle this.

DarkKnight brought her and MisterMoonbeam some Wendy’s home for lunch while he was out grocery shopping. After she ate, I took her to Sheetz so I could get gas and she could buy cigarettes for a couple of people. Then we went to Walmart, and she did her grocery shopping. She gets food stamps now, and she has to provide her own breakfast and lunch. I picked up a couple of things as well - including a new bathmat for SirGawain, since his was ruined recently when his washer went kablooie.

LittleMichigan met us back at my house, and she drove her sister back to their apartment, and BugGirl spent an hour looking for her motorcycle keys (nope) and more clothing and items to take back to rehab. I followed behind and met them there, and packed up a couple of kitchen boxes. We have to have the apartment emptied by the end of July.

We then returned to my house for dinner (hot dog bbq) and then I took BugGirl back to rehab. It was so good to see her doing well. She’s gained weight and looks very healthy.

After dropping BugGirl off, MisterMoonbeam and I drove to Waynesboro to visit with my son. BeanBoy was helping to unload our family friend’s moving pod. We sat on the porch for a short bit, and dropped off a shower curtain and a pack of bacon (by request!) and his rent for the month.

After we got back home, it was only like 7:30 pm, but I was completely drained - physically and emotionally. I fell asleep and woke up a few times, and went on a short crying jag for no reason. This morning I still feel tired, but I am looking forward to starting the holiday!

Plans for the day include SirGawain coming over to DM a ShadowRun 1-shot game, followed by thick AF ribeye steaks on the grill. I will be returning to Frederick with him.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I did want to add that I am still pretty drained from yesterday, emotionally. I didn’t actually hear from SirGawain for almost 24 hours, and MisterMoonbeam is down and out due to depression as well. When combined with my own issues, it’s tough to keep it all together and feel positive.

I called and spoke to my mom this morning and she was complaining about how she took out a $2000 loan for my brother and he isn’t paying it back (surprise surprise). She says it’s $72 a month and she can’t afford it. She says she doesn’t buy meat anymore because it’s too expensive. She also talked to me about moving here if we do buy a building with apartments in it. I wish I hadn’t called her because it’s just more stuff being pushed off onto my shoulders and I don’t have any spoons for it. I told her that I am planning to travel to New York to see everyone in August. I am hoping to be able to afford it, anyway. My brother’s kids are my youngest niece and nephew and I barely know them, but their birthdays are within 10 days of each other and I always try to make it up there. We will see.

This makes three trips I am trying to plan out - a visit to see ButterCup and her husband, a trip to New York to visit my family, and a trip to Virginia to see MisterMoonbeam’s friends. The Virginia trip is the only one on the calendar so far but I have to mail stuff down soon. I also want to schedule a couple of day trips for the summer - the one Smithsonian to see the new dinosaur exhibit with MisterMoonbeam (I’ve seen it before with DarkKnight), and I’ve never been to the National Zoo before.

I have pretty much stopped all hiking at the moment due to heat. It really makes me sad but the temps have been too high for me to go out. I have a lump in my left armpit that is slowly subsiding and I can’t risk causing more. Stupid autoimmune nonsense.
 
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