Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

[Bluebird]

I got dressed in clothes today! I can’t tell you how good it feels to not be in pajamas. I am completely wiped after putting them on though, wow. This sort of exhaustion is nutters.

MisterMoonbeam and I are still going to try to go to the Ren Faire clothing sale this afternoon. It’s a drive, but that won’t take me much effort to ride along in the passenger seat. Lol Walking around to look at stuff will. We will see how it goes.

DarkKnight is looking amazing lately. He’s lost more weight, and on a whim he tried on some clothes he had in storage. He is no longer in a 5X - he’s down to a 3X! He was beaming when he showed me his outfit yesterday - it’s been a couple of years since he could fit this size. He’s determined to keep moving down. When I met him two decades ago he was a size 2X, and I honestly think he will reach that goal.

 

[Bluebird]

I survived the Ren Faire garb sale! Wow it was hot. We didn’t end up buying anything, but both MisterMoonbeam and I agreed that it was a good trip out after being in a bedroom for so long! Tomorrow I am hanging out in the afternoon with my bestie for a bit and spending our Torrid cash before it expires.

 

[Bluebird]

I have no fucking clue why, but I’ve spent way too many hours tonight feeling sad about my past relationship with WarMan. Like, what the fuck lady, it’s been 6 years!

I was laying in bed with MisterMoonbeam and we were looking at pictures online and making plans for our upcoming trip to Arizona. Some of the scenery reminded me of my trip to New Mexico a lifetime ago, so I pulled those up on my phone to show him. Of course, among the photos of the landscape, were ones of me and WarMan.

That led to a brief discussion about him, and how at Pride a couple of weeks ago, I saw one of his old friends - well, Monkey’s friend, anyway - and how I felt awkward and weird that it brought up emotions I hadn’t thought of in a while. Anyway, MisterMoonbeam said he didn’t like me talking about WarMan, because the only things he’s ever heard was how fucked up I was over that relationship, and that it wasn’t healthy. He asked me how DarkKnight would like me talking about it. Lol Like I was a child or something!

But he’s right, because when DarkKnight came home, I told him we had been discussing WarMan, and he gave me THAT LOOK. He asked why I would want to hurt my heart again like that and he hoped I hadn’t messaged him.

Damn DarkKnight, I’m not drunk.

Sigh, except I reread WarMan’s journal, and all of the things he said there were so intense and positive and they made me feel…glowy. I wanted to message him. Maybe he’s changed.

But then I reread parts of my journal, and I felt angry. So much love bombing, so much gaslighting. It made me start crying. I remembered how alone I felt at the end of our relationship, and how my therapist said that WarMan needed some serious assistance in relationships and with his mental health.

No, I didn’t message him. I wanted to though, very badly.

It was a shock to me, how much I missed him. I’m so fucked up sometimes.

 

[Bariah]

Damn DarkKnight, I’m not drunk.

The spirits make the heart a lusty and longing maiden.

I wanted to message him. Maybe he’s changed.

Complicated options exist in the past, and often take a lot of work, even if they are ready and willing to be a part of the present or future. It's your call, and you can remain in control regardless of your choices.

But then I reread parts of my journal, and I felt angry. So much love bombing, so much gaslighting.

I know this feeling. It's always weird to compare one individual's life/thoughts/feelings to another person's, even in casual conversation. There are so many opportunities to be on different pages of different books. Try not to invalidate your position in your own life, even if you don't look at what you wrote or did as favorable or positive to your present position or feelings. It's a trap that leads to self-deprecation almost all the time. Give yourself the opportunity to realize that, maybe it was something you needed to experience, as painful and destructive as it might have been in your life.

Just as much as is is valid to yearn for something from the past, and want it again in the present, is as much as it is valid to have gone through something and thought and felt a different way, and both can be true simultaneously.

I’m so fucked up sometimes.

Everyone needs something at some point or another. Figuring out what exactly drives your desire to return to someone you had a sordid past with might give you the opportunity to figure out what is at the core of what you see as "fucked up", and might allow you to have a healthier relationship with accepting any given position within that desire, even if it's beyond conflicted.

 

[Bluebird]

I am so worn out again this morning. I just have zero energy. My bestie is supposed to come over soon so we can go shopping. I hope I can make it.

I just folded two huge baskets of laundry, while sitting in the bed. MisterMoonbeam came in and put it away, which was helpful. It was almost all his laundry anyway! I had asked DarkKnight to make sure everything near the washer and dryer was dirty, and to get the clean stuff out of there. I know I have a lot to do so having them help with the lifting and actual physical parts is needed right now for me.

I want to cry.

Forgot to post this but just came back and saw I needed to do that. Lol


DarkKnight just picked out my clothes for the day. I asked him to bring me a bra and a dress. Of course he brought a dress I bought a decade ago. It looks okay though - that weight loss helped! I’ve now lost 14 pounds.

 

[Bluebird]

After shopping with my bestie (I got a cute sundress, a polka dot blouse, a bra and some hair clips) we came back to my house and watched Guardians of the Galaxy 1 & 2. She had never seen them but she’s going to be riding the roller coaster in a couple of weeks, so I suggested it be a good idea to at least get the references! I’ve not ridden the coaster so maybe it wasn’t needed, idk. Lol

Anyway, during the day I talked to her about WarMan, and this compulsion I’ve had come up to reach out, and how foolish I feel about it. I read to her some of his journal, and I then went to see what else I had still archived, and I actually had a bunch of his emails from when we were dating.

He was most definitely great at writing. I think these were the best love letters I have had ever.

After my bestie left, I started crying and I asked MisterMoonbeam to give me a bunch of hugs, which he did. I talked about the emotions I was cycling through and my inability to understand why I was latching onto this stuff, 6 years later.

He told me he thinks I’m touch-starved, as I’ve been sick and not had sex with anyone in a long while because of that. He doesn’t think it’s weird that I’m suddenly grieving a relationship that was touch-centric and positive in that way, at least.

That made me cry harder, because quite honestly, I still see the sexual parts of my relationship with WarMan as the best sex experiences of my life. At the end of things, that’s really what shook me so much - that our body connection was one that he used to hurt me emotionally. He told me he would have said absolutely anything to have sex with me, not caring whether it was true or not. And then he told the therapist - and me - that he no longer cared about my physical needs at all.

It was like a betrayal that had been there since day 1, in spite of all the flowery words that were written in between. Which is what hurts even now - the fact that someone could write all this complimentary stuff, make me feel cherished and special and loved SO MUCH, but then not be able to communicate directly in any sort of way to me without it becoming a battleground.

Never before or after have I ever experienced such a contentious relationship. In the therapy I had after we broke up, I did a ton of work centered around abandonment and trust, which was really just a continuation of the therapy I’ve had since a teen surrounding my attachment issues. But it was different in that the therapist made it a lot about WarMan’s inability to function in a healthy way, and how that twisted me into shapes that were also unhealthy. We were both fucked up, and we were not okay together. Kind of like a “yes, and” sort of thing.

Right now though, I think MisterMoonbeam is correct. I’m horribly touch-starved. I don’t think I’ve gone this long without sex since my first marriage, like twenty five years ago! It’s probably not irregular for me to think back to the best sex I’ve ever had, while I am feeling this disconnection from my other partners.

Anyway, I am struggling. I think MisterMoonbeam is right about the reason. It’s good to be able to put a finger on that. But knowing the origin doesn’t make it any easier for me to suddenly be hit in the face with all these emotions. I wish it did.

When I chase the path of what if I did send a message - to what purpose would it serve - it sort of makes me feel even more silly and stills my hand. I guess I would hope to find out that WarMan has moved forward and has a more positive outlook on his life. And that he’s got at least one partner who both cherishes his heart and rocks his fucking socks in bed. And that he’s learned not to gaslight and use his words as weapons.

Apparently too, a part of me wishes that it was me he loved still. I want all the good parts. I don’t think that’s unusual to crave, when looking back at a past relationship. I’ve not felt it before now, so it has me off-kilter. Of course, I can’t ever get those good parts back. I’m a lot of things, but delusional is not one of them.

 

[Bluebird]

Apparently staying up half the night with insomnia is not conducive to healing, and now I’m down for the count again. Coughing and diarrhea are NOT a good combination. Don’t ask me how I know this.

I am a mess. Not literally, though I could use a shower just for regular reasons.

 

[Bluebird]

I stayed closed today, and fell asleep on the couch at some point. I scuttled back and forth from the bathroom to the couch all day and watched the third season of Blown Away in between trips. I felt frustrated at my energy level but nothing really seemed to matter with that.

The doctor office called and told me to continue to rest. Sigh.

 

[Bluebird]

I did end up sending a message to WarMan. He didn’t reply, but I feel okay about everything. I guess I’ve reached a point where all my anger is sleeping now and it really has turned to a sort of peace. I’m good!

I’m awake in the middle of the night again because I had to pee. I guess it’s technically middle of the morning! I plan on opening today no matter what, though I am hoping to go back to sleep after I post this.

I have so much to do today!

 

[Bluebird]

OMG this morning kicked my ass. I cleaned off the porch and filled the Box after wiping it down, and then I couldn’t walk. Literally, my legs wouldn’t work - they were like jello. I feel so fucking frustrated. Fuck you Covid.

Still, people were so excited to see me this morning - it was great. One woman brought me flowers! Another grandma stopped by and her threee grandkids (ages 6-13) volunteered for an hour and broke down all of my cardboard boxes and put away canned food. So that was amazing. We definitely got some things done today.

I am now back on the couch and trying to get my wind back. It’s supposed to rain soon and I hope it does. I need to continually be recovering! I also just paid a dude $70 to mow my front yard, do the edging and trim and level the bushes on the side. He told me it was way too much but I feel like I got a deal. It was looking a mess. BugGirl is going to do the backyard later this week.

Mail just came and I got a white sundress sort of coverup thing from Torrid and my StitchFix box is here too. I need to open it but I seriously want to cry because I don’t have the energy to pull off the tape. I can’t imagine trying things on. I want to, but I really have zero in the tank. I have never felt like this in my life. It’s like I hiked straight up a mountain carrying a 4th grader on my back while pulling a sledge full of boulders. Like, there’s NOTHING left. It goes so far beyond anything. Fucking ridiculous.

I also still have zero appetite. MisterMoonbeam brought home McDonald’s for lunch and I’m just like, oh, I guess that’s good. I had a couple of fries and tossed the rest. I forced myself to eat a cheeseburger because I know I need some fuel, but drinking a bottle of water is WORK and results in exhaustion as well. Picking up a burger and chewing - it’s just not worth the effort.

I always thought people were exaggerating this Covid fatigue thing but no. This is so so awful.

 

[Bluebird]

 

[Bluebird]

There’s nothing like waking up and already feeling completely wiped. Thank goodness I am always closed Wednesdays! I got up and made myself some tea, and now I’m sitting in the recliner and trying to not cough because it hurts.

I do have people scheduled to come by around noon - I have a pair of new sneakers here, a used AC unit, 3 new fans, 3 electric skillets and 3 crockpots. One of my neighbors was supposed to pick up 9 gallons of water yesterday so those are still here as well.

My one main goal for today though is to organize my closet and put away like 3 huge baskets of laundry. I have a bunch of items that need washed and my suitcase isn’t unpacked from my Ocean City trip weeks ago. From where I am sitting, there’s a pair of my dirty socks under the coffee table. It’s funny though as everything else is clean since we bought a robot that mops and vacuums. It’s just apparently been making a circle around my socks! I don’t know how to use this robot - DarkKnight has the app on his phone and runs it every night or so. I ordered it on Prime Day, so I was super sick and never even looked at it. It’s a RoboRock S7+ and I got the auto-empty dock with it. Anyway, I would call it transformational, because there’s always cat hair floating around this house - or at least there was, but now there isn’t.

 

[Bluebird]

Today was fairly uneventful, as I stayed downstairs for a big swath of it and slept. I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted, but it is what it is, I guess. My energy level is still horrid, but I plan to be open and work tomorrow.

WarMan wrote me back and we’ve had a couple of emails back and forth and I am okay with that. I’m glad to know he’s alive. I had a lengthy discussion with BugGirl about talking to exes, and she was like, mom you told me before not to look back - you’re not headed that way. Lol She’s not wrong, as I do remember saying that but it was years ago!

I actually had a really emotionally raw conversation with MisterMoonbeam tonight - we’ve had a few this week. We aren’t fighting, but having intense discussions about our future together. I remain concerned that he’s not really utilizing his therapy well and he has said as such. His depression is still an issue.

We are both strongly committed to our relationship - he’s very vocal about loving me and that he sees himself as my life partner. I feel the same way. The issue I have been struggling with continues to be that his reaction to most things is still really centered around his late wife - he expects me to feel and act the same way as she would have in situations. It’s frustrating sometimes.

We are both looking forward to our Arizona trip together! We leave this coming Sunday and will come back on Aug 8. I’m just hoping I get some energy recharged so we can enjoy the alone time.

SirGawain called me tonight and he’s going to come over on Saturday to see me before I go. I haven’t laid eyes on him since Pride, because I was in Ocean City and then super sick after that with Covid. We’ve been texting and calling for a short bit everyday though. I didn’t miss him much because I was sick and trying not to die, but now that I am feeling a bit better I definitely need to see him!

OMG I am so tired. But not like a need to sleep sort of tired. It’s more like I can’t lift my arms because they’re too heavy and it hurts when I cough so breathing takes effort. Ugh. Fuck.

 

[Bluebird]

Feeling shaky again this morning. I slept in until like 8:30, so it’s definitely not that I’m tired! I showered and made myself a London Fog latte. I’ve been switching up my morning chai lately!

Today I have some people stopping by to pick up some special requests - a couple of box fans, an electric griddle. I have two hotel homeless individuals snagging an electric skillet and a crockpot. I had someone donate a whole bunch of small kitchen appliances the other day and I’ve almost reached the end of the stack of those! I know I have a donor bringing me some laundry pods this morning at some point.

I’m starting to feel exhausted just thinking about all of this! That said, this will be the last day I am open until August 9. So I also will have a push today to empty out the big freezer and fridge, and the bread and other perishables in my overflow space. I don’t want anything back here rotting while I am gone. Lol

As I sit here, I’m really starting to feel out of sorts. I need some hugs. MisterMoonbeam is on a call at the moment. Hopefully he finishes that up soon, because I open at 11 and once I get started, I won’t be slowing down, I am sure!

 

[Bluebird]

Another new Stitch Fix dress today. My hair is soooo long. I’ve been using purple shampoo to combat the yellow but I can’t say it’s helping much. This is all natural though, and I let it air dry today. I need to go get it toned. Maybe after vacation! I think about chopping it off all the time now too.

 

[Bluebird]

I’m waiting for it to be 8 am so I can call and get my cat Albus into the vet for a sick visit. This is the third time this year he’s had a wheezy cough and I’m not sure how to help him. The first time he was given antibiotics and a steroid shot, and it cleared right up, and then a few months later it was back. That time antibiotics alone did the trick. But, here it is back again. Poor baby. Albus is our tripod kitty so he’s already pitiful!

I kept the car today in anticipation of getting a vet appointment. I’m a little nervous because I haven’t driven since Ocean City! It feels like I’ve been sick forever. I’m also hoping to find time today to go and get a pedicure so my feet will look fabulous for Arizona.

My laundry is still not caught up, so I figure that will be a big part of my day today as well. Ugh. Wish I could come home and everything would be finished.

Tonight is the Linen & Roses all-white party downtown! I tried on my outfit again yesterday, and uh, I’ve definitely lost weight. My dress still looks good, but I think I can size down. MisterMoonbeam and I have matching white Converse high tops! We are going to look cute!!

 

[Magdlyn]

Vet appointment, pedicure, tons of laundry and a party, all while still convalescing from Covid. Check.

 

[Bluebird]

Vet appointment, pedicure, tons of laundry and a party, all while still convalescing from Covid. Check.

Yeah, I was concerned it might be a little much, but I managed. Thankfully I woke up and the overwhelming fatigue had lifted! I was still tired, but it was a manageable, regular tired - not the “I can’t lift my arms because they’re too heavy” exhaustion I had been experiencing.

The pedicure was easy anyway; I sat in the chair while getting a massage and my feet were made pretty. Didn’t take much energy! The vet visit, I HAD to do, regardless, because Albus was miserable. I ended up paying just over $300 for X-rays, medication and his exam. His airways aren’t so good, but it isn’t asthma. The dance was a lot of fun, though MisterMoonbeam and I sat for a great deal of it!

I was worried about the physical fallout, but instead I felt really energized at the end of the night. MisterMoonbeam and I stayed up and just talked and talked about our relationship, and dating. It was affirming and positive. Oh, and I can’t even describe how attractive I found him at the dance. Be still my heart!

I was definitely tired, but I’ve been negative for Covid for about a week and a half? Each day has been a little bit better, even when it was terrible. Today was like it was all gone at once and I was dealing with just regular tiredness. Which is still not the best, because on a normal day I would have done more.

We had matching Converse! I got a LOT of compliments from the other ladies, who were wearing stilettos and club shoes. That’s just not my jam. MisterMoonbeam said he really liked being matchy-matchy with me!



It was a masquerade too, but I just did some crystals since I don’t usually wear contacts. As you can see, MisterMoonbeam’s beard is growing back! I kinda like this stage.



While we were out, DarkKnight was actually at the smaller theater right next door! He had been comped some tickets for a drag show. He went with my bestie and apparently they had a lot of fun. I was actually bummed to miss out, but this white party has been on the schedule for a while.

Oh, and both MisterMoonbeam and I both had our brains wiped while sick. We couldn’t remember a single step of our dance classes - it’s been too long! We both want to get things going again there at the end of the month.

 

[Bluebird]

I’m a member of a local Facebook group, and on Friday morning they had a poll about dating sites, and which ones people in the area like to use. I forget if I ever gave him a name or not, but the muscle-y dude that wants me as a FWB when he’s single is the one who started the question. A mutual friend responded that he’d recently given up on love because his life is shit right now. (Break up in June, he moved out of their shared home only to have his deposit taken in a rental scam, he’s now living in a camper on his dad’s yard while he looks for a rental, he had to rehome his dogs, only to have one die suddenly, he’s having visitation issues with his kids - whew!) This mutual friend has been connected to me for at least 5 years on Facebook but we never met in person, or even really interacted.

Well, I posted that he shouldn’t give up and that things would get better. My not-FWB responded by posting a spraying water bottle meme with the word “No!” Lol I’m like, dude, I’m not trying to date the guy! Then there was some back and forth between the 3 of us, resulting in both guys ending up in my DMs.

My not-FWB asked me if the other guy was in my DMs. I’m like, not at all, and I’m not looking to date. (This was when I was taking my cat Albus to the vet.) Then I checked, and he was in my messages. We spent the entire day chatting, culminating in us setting up a potential date for Saturday morning at the Freedom Festival downtown. (The white party was a fundraiser for this event.)

I was excited, but also kind of like, what the fuck just happened? This guy and I seemed to be connecting on SO many levels. I spoke to both MisterMoonbeam and DarkKnight about it and they were both kinda like, hey, have fun, but be careful.

Saturday morning rolled around, and I called SirGawain and let him know what was going on too. He and I had plans to meet up at 3 pm, since I haven’t seen him since Pride because of Covid. I promised I wouldn’t be late and he was also like, okay. Not enthusiastic, but not negative.

Well, the guy ended up messaging me and wanting to go play mini golf in the mall instead, so we did that. I had offered to buy us lunch at Red Robin, but he said he would feel obligated to sleep with me then and he didn’t want that mucking up our relationship from the start. (Oh he was hilarious!)

We ended up eating in the open food court, each buying our own meal. I had Subway, he had pizza. We talked for like an hour, and then did mini golf for an hour, followed by a brief shopping trip in FYE, though none of us bought anything. I did get a strawberry Julius after the putt-putt. Lol

The date went REALLY well. He’s an amazing kisser. So yeah. He’s a big bearded dude and it’s kinda crazy because for a random online encounter to turn into an unexpected date, AND to have the dude be exactly my type - like what??? Oh, and doesn’t normally identify as poly, but he’s been in a polycule before and it didn’t end well.

At one point I asked him if my not-FWB had encouraged him to message me off of Facebook, and he then whipped out his phone and let me SEE the back and forth between them! OMG I was like, are you kidding me?! My not-FWB was so positive and nice - saying that this dude needed to message me because I’m intelligent, funny, into the same nerd stuff. That I would be a perfect match. Lol It was seriously heartwarming to read the things he had said. He was building me up so well. I didn’t know I had such a wingman! Lol I ended up seeing him later in the day downtown and I was like DUDE and he said he meant every word.

So, I made it back home before 3 pm to meet up with SirGawain. Of course he was late - he’s always late and we’ve had fights about that fact - and he showed up closer to 4 pm. It was really great to see him! We ended up going to the Freedom Festival, and then walking over to the local game store where I purchased Chronicles of Avel.

Here’s what I was wearing yesterday. I think it was the perfect dress for two back to back dates!

 

[Bluebird]

MisterMoonbeam and I made it to Arizona and yes, it’s crazy hot outside. I am spending the day alone in the hotel room, having a true day off, and it’s glorious to be able to sit and do nothing! I’m reading a book (Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man) and just lounging. It’s great.

MisterMoonbeam is at work until 3 pm, whipping his company’s Phoenix division into shape. He has messaged me a few times, and he seems to be in a good mood because apparently he’s found several actionable items that make this trip worth it for him professionally. Yay!

He surprised me this morning with some amazing sex out of nowhere. I didn’t expect it, as he’s generally not crazy horny, and definitely not crazy horny in the morning but he went to TOWN. I’ve been thinking about it all day that he’s been gone and I can’t wait to pounce on him and/or be pounced on again!

I have been texting quite a bit with the guy I had a date with yesterday and that’s been going well. He’s planning on getting tested this week, and I actually contacted my doctor to schedule an STD screening myself. I was active once with the unicorn-hunting couple, so it’s best to start out with a definite clear bill of health. I don’t have any worries, but I do want to have something for sure.

I guess I should give him a name, even if things fizzle out. Uh, OldSchool. Anyway, OldSchool put in applications for several different apartments today, so he’s hoping to get out of the camper he’s been in for a couple of weeks. One of then places is literally around the corner from my house! We will see I guess, but that would be awesome.

I know I listed a bunch of depressing things he’s been dealing with, but OldSchool’s got a lot of good going on too, honestly. Like, he has a decent job that he enjoys and he’s been there for like 11 years. It seems like he has a solid supporting group of friends, and he is active in both football and wrestling. He’s lost a bunch of weight through mindful eating too. He seems to really care about his children, and he talks as if he co-parents successfully with his ex-wife.

I’m a sucker for a nerd - he is really into Marvel and superheroes. Like I don’t have that on my dance card already!