Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

So moving day was sort of a mess. Emotionally, all 3 of us living at Blackbird Manor were a mess, and the actual physical moving part was crazypants as well. However, almost everything is here now, so that’s good news.

We have a van load of stuff in the living room of the old place, and the unfinished side of the basement has maybe 2 loads needing to come over, but it’s all manageable. Funny thing, BugGirl has ripped up the flooring in the basement already and has half of all of the spaces in the house well on their way to reflecting her personality and style. BeanBoy has his room mostly unpacked too, and his “hangout” room has the couch and TV stands set up. I’m glad they are making it their own!

There was intermittent rain and a pretty bad wind storm. We lost a tree in our front yard!

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I am missing MisterMoonbeam a lot, as he is now in Arizona for several weeks, for work. Before he left, we started working through this card “game” called Intimacy, and we’ve continued it over the phone. It’s been a really good connection tool, and I recommend it. Basically, there are several categories of cards (past, about you, relationships, etc) and each card has a question on it for you and your partners to answer. By doing so, you get to know each other better, and you get to know yourself better too! It’s been good for both of us. I’m very happy with where our relationship is right now. I just wish he was home so I could hug him!

DarkKnight and I have been burning the candle at both ends, so I am hoping we can slow down a bit to be together soon. We collapse into bed each night and pass out. His room hasn’t had much done to it yet, but I’m hoping to focus on that next week. I need to run the budget tomorrow and figure out what he needs for the space, and what we can afford!
Game room is really coming together!

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Okay, so my game room is getting there! The main Kallax shelving is rainbow-organized, and I have an area on the built-ins for Zombicide, small games, plus a Godzilla-approved Japanese section. 😂
None of the wall art is up yet, and my Crokinole board remains unhung. I’m hoping a small bookcase will fit in the bottom half of the closet, but it’s currently buried in the garage, so that remains to be seen!

Still, I am happier each day I am able to come a bit closer to having this room complete. 😍😍
My life is nothing but organizing, shopping and unpacking, and I am not complaining too loud! It’s been so long that I can just focus on my home and nothing else. I’m turning domestic - I scoop the cat boxes every morning, sweep and swiffer the floors, and today I vacuumed DarkKnight’s bedroom! I’ve been keeping up with laundry as well.

I need to look at my budget this morning but I think we’re pretty good. The electrician messaged and said he will be here before lunch or just after - he has two fans for our shared bathroom and the powder room. Also, there are two can lights that don’t work in the game room that I want him to look at, and DarkKnight says to tell him to test the outdoor outlets, including the power going to the waterfall. We wanna check those before we start them up for the spring.

I grabbed a guy mowing lawns yesterday and hired him to do our yard - front, back and side, with weed whacking - for $40 a week. This is less than we were paying with our postage stamp yard at the other house! I was in shock when he told me the price. My son carried all of the downed tree pieces around to the backyard where the fire pit is going to be, so my front lawn looks great. I want to do some weeding but that will have to wait - plus I need to see what decides to grow! I have a sad rhododendron by the front door. Lol

Today I am going to shower and while I wait for the electrician, I’m going to start unpacking the kitchen. It’s a disaster, and boxes for that space are all over the house. I’m excited to set up the coffee/tea bar! After the electrician leaves, I’m heading to a new thrift store in town and then to Home Goods to pick up anything I feel is needed to decorate the kitchen a bit.

DarkKnight and my son are doing a good job clearing out the unfinished side of the basement at the old house - the plan is to have it clear by the end of week. Oh, so I guess that is tomorrow. 🙃 They’ve been bringing over a van load every day when DarkKnight gets out of work, and I pay my son $25/hour to help. So though he’s unemployed at the moment, he’s got something to spend.

I’m making good progress upstairs, and I’m more in love with this house everyday.

Crokinole corner in the game room (board is in the box, as the specialized wall mounts are in the hoard someplace)

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Entryway. I’m not working on this yet (next week!) but I cleared the space yesterday and washed the floor.

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Bronze Egyptian push plates. The other side of the door is black, and I’m thinking of painting this side to pop these more.

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What I mean when I say “lost in the hoard.” Our garage is nutters.

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My friend made a 3D model of our living room/dining room!

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I’m doing a before and after series of pictures but I am not going to be posting them here in case MisterMoonbeam pops in. I know all of my partners do, from time to time. I’m looking forward to surprising him with work done on the house when he returns from Arizona! Two more weeks. I miss him so much!
My favorite person in the world got married this past weekend - my oldest nephew! I was there when he was born so it’s amazing to me that he is old enough to be married! His husband and him are wonderful for each other, and I was so excited to be invited to his elopement! Last minute they needed another official witness, and I was asked to sign their marriage certificate. So exciting! DarkKnight and BeanBoy went with me to the wedding.

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This weekend was kinda crazy too, because DarkKnight and I went to see Les Mis at the Kennedy Center on Friday night in DC, stayed there overnight, and then had to turn around and drive to NY for the ceremony the next morning. It was a LOT of driving, but well worth it!

Since my week ended up being two days short, I didn’t get as much done on the house as I had planned, but I am happy with what I did accomplish. MisterMoonbeam comes home on Friday and I am hoping he will like everything I have finished so far. I am excited to share pics here but since he reads my journal from time to time, I’m keeping it all under wraps for now.

The 3 weeks apart have been really difficult for me, but I am working at doing hard things. I’m using a lot of my coping mechanisms that I learned over the years in therapy for my attachment issues, and they have been helping. It’s been an emotional time though - all of the focusing on moving forward with each day has me falling into bed each evening and falling asleep almost instantly! Poor DarkKnight hasn’t read more than a page out loud to me lately.

MisterMoonbeam has been wonderful with calling me every evening, and we’ve been going over our Intimacy card questions together! OMG I recommend this “game” so much. Last night was difficult though, as two of the questions were trauma-related for both of us. One wanted us to list our 5 biggest regrets in life, and that one we agreed to put away until we could be there to support each other in person through the answers. The other asked what our biggest blessing in disguise was.

I’m not going to share MisterMoonbeam’s answer, because it’s crazy personal and made him emotional. Mine also was difficult, but I don’t mind sharing - it was PunkRock leaving me. I am thankful that he freed me from his toxicity, even though I was in denial at the time. The way he left was extremely damaging to my healing, but the overall experience made me stronger, and strengthened the already tight relationship between DarkKnight and I. It made space for MisterMoonbeam in my life, and I am grateful to the universe that put him and I together.

Post-PunkRock, I have two amazing nesting partners that are actively making positive strides in their individual lives, that are a strong support to each other as metas, and that honestly make choices that are furthering our own financial future - and that of our extended family. I feel like they prioritize relationships with me, each other, and their separate interests & relationships with others.

I am anxious for MisterMoonbeam to return so the three of us can plan and make sure we are all on the same page with where our polycule is headed into the future, and that we all feel confident and comfortable with our lives and loves.

Our new house is fucking incredible. I will be moving forward with my cat cafe plans in the late autumn, and I absolutely love my life. There were times this weekend that I literally felt time slow down and my brain focused solely on the fact that holy shit, I have literally never been happier and have never felt healthier (physically and emotionally). There are so many good things coming up in my life - short term, long term, in the decades approaching.

I know that bad times follow good times, and events and plans fall apart, but right now I really feel like I can cope with whatever happens that might be negative in the future. I want everyone connected to me to experience growth and to receive the help they need from me to push forward. I feel so very positive. I feel so much love in my life, and I feel as if I have so much love to give.

Let’s do this!

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(Yes, I have a cherry tree in my front yard, and the blossoms are fucking amazing right now!)
Three more sleeps before MisterMoonbeam is home! I cannot wait.
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I am in shock tonight. A few minutes ago, I was talking to MisterMoonbeam on the phone and I told him I was going to do a draw on the Wildwood Tarot app about when the F he is ever coming home because I miss him and I feel sad. I freaking pulled the Three of Vessels - which is joy at the successful return of a member of your tribe! And there are three of us here at Blackbird Manor, and our front door has cranes on it. And there are three more sleeps before MisterMoonbeam comes home from Arizona, after being gone for almost three weeks.

I am shook.

To further make me feel unsettled, the book gives a discussion about joy and grief and how they are cyclical. I literally wrote about this here last night - I feel SO much joy right now, in almost every aspect of my life. I’m not letting it be tempered by the fear and loss that will surely follow in the future, but instead I am - for once - just soaking it in, to infuse that joy into my soul.

This card feels right. I desperately miss MisterMoonbeam and want him to come home to me. However, I’m going to try and look forward to the joy I will feel when I see him on Friday, rather than wallow in sadness tonight while I am missing him!
My youngest is coming over today and our plan is to go to IKEA. I need to make a list but I’m looking for a chair to use in my bedroom. The seller left a small desk with a huge office chair - and BugGirl has claimed the seat. So I need something to go with the desk, which I will be using as a makeup table.

I did a bunch of stuff in the master bedroom yesterday, since my sister and her boyfriend will be sleeping over when they move my mom down here into my old house on Saturday. It’s not finished, but it’s getting there!

I was feeling pretty bummed this morning when I woke up, about my relationship with SirGawain. Not only has he failed to stay overnight here - with MisterMoonbeam being out of state for three weeks! - but I haven’t been inside his townhome in months, due to its smell and general hoarded up conditions. I refuse to go there and scrub when he won’t do it himself or even hire someone. When BugGirl got busy, he just stopped all maintenance.

The last time we were intimate was November - we have had exactly one sexual encounter since he got out of the hospital last year. I could probably have handled this if he were at all affectionate, but it’s literally like going out to dinner or shopping with a friend. He never greets me or holds my hand. I get a kiss when we part, but that’s it. Honestly, I don’t want it anymore - there is zero chemistry left and we’d have to work to rebuild it. It just feels uncomfortable.

MisterMoonbeam asked how things were going and I was sad to tell him that SirGawain had been here exactly once in the three weeks he was gone, and when he came over, he mostly sat and played on his phone while I unpacked and cleaned cabinets in the kitchen. He did help DarkKnight hang a TV, but I am not certain how helpful he actually was with that. Anyway, MisterMoonbeam said when he went out to dinner one-on-one with SirGawain before leaving on his work trip, he asked him to look after me so he was surprised that he’d only stopped by once and hadn’t slept over at all. 🤷‍♀️

I know it’s depression as his work/life balance is still terrible but it is starting to really have an effect on me. My bestie told me on Monday when we went out that she was shocked that he and I were still together at this point. In the past I’ve rationalized things by thinking that well, with polyamory I don’t need each relationship to be at a certain level, but damn, it feels like I am dating a surface-level stranger. Except that we aren’t dating, and they just call once a day to fill the void and complain on their drive home from work.

I do appreciate that when I go to his town or am over that way, he does make time to meet up and go to dinner. He pays half the time, so that is nice. But I do that with my friends too, you know?

We need to do some serious reconnecting. I enjoyed our Valentine’s Day getaway, but that was platonic as well. I’m not sure I would be okay with him suddenly wanting to make out and do all sorts of things now - unfortunately I am just kind of numb to that after half a year of no sex or overtures of affection. When he kisses me it just feels forced.

The happiness and joy I feel daily is really tempered by this relationship. He’s struggling so much in his professional life, it is difficult to connect because he doesn’t have the spoons. Something needs to change because this continues to be a drain. He had a successful round of interviews for a new job, but he found out yesterday he didn’t get the position. He feels really trapped in his current job and doesn’t know what to do with that.

I wish I could find a solution. I love and care about him. I have trouble at this point though, seeing how either of us are being served by calling this a romantic relationship.
One more sleep and MisterMoonbeam will be home! I miss him bunches and bunches.
I have so much to catch up with on here and no time.

I had a pretty bad weekend - but here are the events leading up:

1. In January, my sister called me hysterical that my mother was being verbally and financially abused by our brother. She told me I needed to handle it. Mom was being evicted due to him.

2. I called my mom and she told me things were terrible and she wanted to move here.

3. I had breakfast in person with my sister, and she agreed to pay half of everything needed to move our mom here. I would pay the other half. She said her boyfriend would drive the moving truck, I would pay the gas and for the truck rental. She would put it on her credit card and I would reimburse her 100% when they arrived. She would be paying for a car rental to drive down and would cover her gas, that rental and for food. They would stay overnight at my house and then drive home the rental car the next day, after returning the truck here.

3. I called at the beginning of April and she denied this conversation completely, screamed repeatedly that she was broke and then reserved the rental.

4. Two weeks ago, my brother talked to our sister and asked if he was going to be needed to drive the truck because if so he'd need the weekend off of work. She said no. He got Saturday (yesterday) off to help pack the truck.

5. At the beginning of this week, my sister’s boyfriend called my brother telling him that he didn't want to drive my mother to Maryland and that he was a shit son for not doing it.

6. My mom called me crying because of this. Later she said she talked to my sister, and my sister said to ignore her boyfriend and everything was fine. Her boyfriend again called our brother and then told him he was going to fight him for telling my sister.

7. Thursday night my mom called, again hysterical, saying that the boyfriend couldn't drive the truck because suddenly he had mandatory overtime. My sister messaged at the same time saying it wasn't her fault and I would just have to cover the cost of everything and figure it out.

8. She was very nasty, saying I didn't work and don't do much of anything and she works 60 hours a week and so I should just deal with it. She said there was no reason she should have to pay anything, and to try and involve her in this move was bullshit.

9. I gave her three different ways to handle things, and she ultimately decided my brother could drive the truck and she would pay for it. I would then have to drive my brother back to NY, paying for my gas back and forth, and a hotel.

10. Saturday morning she calls, screams at me repeatedly, calls me all sorts of names, because she can't rent the truck as planned. She had listed my brother as the driver, and apparently he had a previous balance with the company, so they canceled everything. Says we are taking advantage and stealing money from her? I’m like, what?

11. The plan became for MisterMoonbeam and I to pay to rent the truck in NY, and he would drive it back down. We drove the 6 hour trip, in spite of him JUST getting off a cross country airplane trip from Arizona on Friday.

12. My sister told us she would have people available to load the truck and will give our mom $200 to cover gas for this truck. My brother told our mom he would give her $100. My brother ended up doing all of the loading alone in the evening with MisterMoonbeam, though in the morning my niece (sister’s adult daughter) helped him bring everything down to a staging area. My brother gave no money. My sister spent the entire first half of the drive calling me screaming, texting terrible things. She gave my mom the money though.

13. We paid for the gas in my car, to and from NY. We paid for the truck rental. We also covered the cost of a pet friendly hotel room in NY.

14. We drove back to Maryland today. My mother gave me $100 for the gas, and then I had to buy her a new bookcase because her old one got smashed on the trip ($37).

I feel so exhausted. My sister’s anger management issues are absolutely insane. The least bit of a hiccup and she has a tantrum worst than any toddler I’ve ever experienced. My mom said she was absolutely embarrassed that my sister was at her apartment in the morning, because she was swearing and screaming up and down the shared hallway. (My mom lived in a rent controlled Senior facility.) She was shouting saying that I was stealing her money and trying to take advantage of her. At one point she called me and was saying how I think I’m so much better than her because of “my men” and that she knows how I control them to do what I say. 🙄

Every time she is out of control, she brings up my partners and uses them like a slur or something so should be ashamed of - it infuriates me.

Trying to deescalate the situation was a full time job this weekend, and the drama was completely avoidable - my sister just goes absolute bonkers over changes (that she makes) and then goes into combat mode before I can even get a word in edgewise. I told her to please focus on just getting my mom moved safely, and she kept trying to switch the topic to everything under the sun that she was mad about - half of which I really don’t understand and most are issues of her own making.

Anyway, I hate this entire situation. I don’t like this drama. I’m going even lower contact with her after this.

After returning the truck and coming home, MisterMoonbeam and I dropped and slept for 3 hours. I’m so happy to be home, though the aftermath of this is going to consume me tomorrow, as I have no idea how these charges are going to be covered. We put almost everything on credit cards. My budget is blown and I’m just sick about it. In the moment I just wanted to solve the immediate problem of moving my mom.

There is a lot more going on in my life now, drama-wise, but I am still trying to focus on the positives. My mom is now in a safe place, and I will no longer have to Instacart hundreds of dollars worth of groceries to her each month.

I absolutely feel supported by my partners. MisterMoonbeam had never experienced my sister before and he was like absolutely blown away by her texts as my car was reading them as I drove and I put all of her calls in speakphone. I didn’t need to exaggerate or make up anything - he was there seeing it for real.


Anyway, I’m going to eat some Japanese food for dinner (DarkKnight went to get it) and I am not going to focus on anything but getting my thoughts centered on positives. Finances are future Holly’s problem tomorrow.

I woke up and took this picture. I’m emotionally exhausted and just done. I’m still smiling though. Maybe the magic word this year isn’t joy, but resiliency.

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Another update - I did have a discussion with SirGawain about our lack of an actual relationship, and how unhappy I am with how we communicate. I know he probably read my earlier posts, but having the actual conversation was important. I am looking forward to dating him again and hopefully having a closer relationship.

I’m really hoping that he moves forward with a position at the same company as MisterMoonbeam. He submitted applications this weekend, and MisterMoonbeam has some pull with the open opportunities. Unfortunately, he didn’t submit soon enough and the first batch of apps showed up today for MisterMoonbeam to read, and SirGawain didn’t make the time cutoff, apparently. So frustrating, because he could have, if he had signed in when I gave him the info. His depression is not serving him in all sorts of way, to be sure.
Is Sir G being treated for his depression? I don't see how he can progress in his job, in keeping his house in order, in any kind of relationship with you, if he isn't committed to his treatment plan.
Is Sir G being treated for his depression? I don't see how he can progress in his job, in keeping his house in order, in any kind of relationship with you, if he isn't committed to his treatment plan.
At this point, I don’t think so. He was attending online therapy last year but I think he’s just gotten swamped at work and had to cancel a bunch of appointments, unfortunately. He hasn’t said anything about them in a while.

LittleMichigan came over yesterday & took down the top level corded blinds in the sunroom. MisterMoonbeam hung up the Crokinole board and secured the bookshelves in our dining room to the wall. We had the plumber out to our old house, and put $1500 on a credit card, as the upstairs tub shoe was leaking. Now it isn’t. It had been leaking there for a long while, and we have to have everything fixed for an upcoming city rental inspection. No leaky pipes is like, a minimum. Lol

We still haven’t had the pipes fixed here at our new house, but getting the rental house set to pass inspection is #1 right now. Tomorrow a wall in the kitchen there is having the drywall taken down and being rebuilt due to water damage. Then I need to schedule a lead paint inspection. I’m over it and stressed but it has got to be done.
The wall in the old house is now repaired, and BugGirl is going to sand and paint it today. It looks good, it it cost me $500 to fix it. Not bad, but still a hit. I spent $2000 last week on the old house!

Yesterday it was overcast and my entire day was just ugh. I hope today feels better, in spite of the weather! The night was pretty good, as SirGawain came over, and the four of us played a board game from our Shelf of Shame (ones that have never hit the table) -Wrath of Ashardalon. It’s a D&D game. It was okay, but kind of focused on grinding through a dungeon so it wasn’t the most thrilling. It’s a scenario game, so there are many more times to play it. Lots of minis, which makes MisterMoonbeam happy!

I need to go to IKEA today, but first I need to take a look at our budget for May. We moved the table in our game room into our dining room, to see how it fit and it was perfect. The plan is to buy the exact same table and 8 chairs, but to get different covers for them.

Here’s the current setup in the dining room:

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I unpacked my rocks, and mushroom art, on Friday. The cats can’t keep themselves away from the bottom two shelves, so I need to figure out what to put there! As I said earlier though, I will be swapping out the chair covers for different ones:

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I think these will really help bring the outside, inside! :) The waterfall is right out of the window here. We also had a professional come and look at the water feature this weekend, but we weren’t really into the prices he was quoting us. I think we are going to try and clean out the muck in the pond ourselves.
I went to IKEA today and dropped another $1500. New table is now home for the game room, and there are 8 chairs for me to put together for the dining room. I came and took a nap upon arrival though, so those will wait til later!
I’m feeling a little under the weather today. I’m out of chai this morning, but DarkKnight gave me some apple juice and Advil, along with a bagel, egg & cheese breakfast sammie he made. I’m hoping I start to feel better soon. I have an ingrown hair but it’s draining sporadically, so I hope I’m not ill from that. I have zero desire to go to the doctor anytime soon!

I had a date last night with a new guy and it went well. He was polite and quite the gentleman. He doesn’t have a beard, and is balding. I think he’d look quite sexy if he shaved his head, but like SirGawain, I think he’s fighting the inevitable. Why do guys do that? I don’t think they realize how much more sexy the shaved look is! At least, I think so. He has a nesting partner and they date separately, and he seems to know all the right words to say.

We went to dinner, and after we split the check, he told me he didn’t want the date to end and asked if I wanted to get ice cream. It was rainy and cold, so he said he knew that probably wasn’t what I wanted, but he couldn’t think of another way to keep me there. Lol Super sweet! I suggested Krumpes (local donut place) so we parked at my house and then I jumped in his car and we went there to pick up a dozen.

We returned to my house and he got to meet both DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam, who both grabbed a donut and left us to ourselves. He got the tour, and we talked some more before he left a little after 10 pm. He lives in the same town as SirGawain, so he had a drive.

His kisses were kinda awkward, but his last one was much improved. Imma chalk it up to nervousness. I look forward to seeing him again, but both of us have busy schedules, so I don’t know when that might be!

Right now I have two other dudes hitting me up and trying to schedule a date on OKC, though my primary focus remains trying to meet a woman or someone with some feminine energy. Honestly though, I’m ready to shut down the app and forget it again. I had re-activated because of my bestie, and giving her advice, so I’m not super into it.

That said, a friend of mine hit me up with messages yesterday, and asked me out for a drink! I always got the vibe that her and her partner were probably open, so I wasn’t altogether shocked, but I was hesitant. We don’t really run in the same circles but we chat now and then. She admitted that she wasn’t polyamorous, but that she thought I would really love the sex positive group that they belong to…

We then discussed rope and shibari, and then I really wanted MisterMoonbeam to tie on me, but since he was working, that didn’t pan out. Lol That said, earlier in the day, he came out of his office and fucked my face with some vigor. That was quite the surprise and it was super hot. He has NEVER done anything like that and it turned me on so much!

So yeah, yesterday was a DAY. 😂😆