Iām so overwhelmed - this house is humongous! I had a friend come over yesterday and we drank alcohol on the deck at noon and talked about it. She told me I deserved this, because Iām a good person and I do such wonderful things for people. Other friends have told me this and it doesnāt sit right for a number of reasons.
Everyone deserves safe, affordable housing. I have that, at my other address. This sort of crazy big house isnāt owed to anyone, and the fact that my polyamorous life allows me to move here, doesnāt mean my day-to-day āhelpfulnessā had anything to do with it.
In fact, the only thing that I did was help MisterMoonbeam focus his finances to pay off debt and look reliable to the lender. It is doubtful he would have done this independently, but eventually someone he dated would have given him a shake and put him on the right path. The person who had the most impact here was actually DarkKnight, who allowed MisterMoonbeam to be added on to a couple of his credit accounts to boost the scores.
Anyway, plenty of people are decent, and do good things, and still struggle and suffer. It angers/saddens/confuses me a little to think that others think I deserve anything more because of what I do. Iām not more deserving than others. I kind of believe in karma, but not in a tally sheet sort of way. When you make one choice, there are consequences, and sometimes those are good consequences and sometimes they are bad. I donāt believe that they add up to something that gets rewarded indirectly.
I do good because it feels good, and it feels right. Not because I think I will have this amazing outcome at the end of my life, or at certain checkpoints. Sometimes you do good and itās the right thing to do, but thereās still a shitty outcome.
If anything, me being added to the deed here was a selfish thing. I wanted to protect myself from another situation like with PunkRock. If MisterMoonbeam wants to dump me later on, I donāt want my housing to be in jeopardy. I think I did right by PunkRock - I gave him two months to move out, I was willing to give him a good rental reference, and even though he left a bunch of stuff behind, I let him retrieve it all a month or so afterward. AND I didnāt go after him legally for money he owed me. I think all of that went smoothly. But he was definitely in the position where if I wanted to fuck him over, I could have. I donāt want to find myself at a disadvantage. Thatās neither good nor bad, itās just smart, I think.
That situation has been in my head a lot recently because of this move, which I think is a normal thing. MisterMoonbeam and I have had several discussions about that - what if we broke up, how would the division go. We need to get lawyers involved, I think, to protect both of us, and make sure the life insurance makes sense. DarkKnight should definitely be involved. We will focus on that in the summer.
MisterMoonbeam leaves for Arizona in one week! I seriously am starting to get anxious about it - Iāve never been away from a nesting partner for three entire weeks. He said he spoke with his therapist on Monday about it in depth, and he is worried too. Itās going to stir up my attachment issues, zero doubt. I have some strategies in mind to keep functioning though - stuff with setting up the new house will help.
MisterMoonbeam needs more therapy too though. He actually had a breakdown a couple of days ago and he talked to DarkKnight about it a short bit, and me a bunch. Buying this house has stirred up a lot of survivorās guilt, with his late wife. She always wanted to get a house with him, and it was never achievable when they were young and poor, and raising two kids on his single salary, and then she got sick and was ill and in the hospital for stretches at a time. I knew he was thinking about it leading up to the closing date, so after we signed everything, I did a thing for him.
Basically, when we pulled up to the new house for the first time with the keys, I gave him a picture I had taken from his office, of them together. It was actually a strip of photos, from when they were younger. I stayed in the car, and told him to go into the house alone, with her, and show her that he did it. I wanted him to be able to get that emotion out, and to know that I love and support him, and that itās okay to feel all those feelings.
I think it helped, a little. At least he knew that I wanted him to have this time with her too.
I have so much more to write about but no time.
The seller will not be at closing. She is signing at 10 am on Friday instead. This is good news because I wanna scream. Itās good for us not to see her. 
This is getting looked at too, I guess.
Apparently 1987 is also when the kitchen got upgraded, and my master bath.