My brother came down from New York today, to empty my storage unit and my garage of my mom’s stuff. MisterMoonbeam had a meeting canceled, so he joined me in the driveway around 10:30, and we pulled a bunch of her things out and talked about what items we had that needed to go to the dump or get donated. I started getting sweaty, so I went inside to grab bottled water, and heard the moving truck pull up.
I went out and saw my mom standing there, so I said “hey” to my brother, and then went back inside. I stayed in DarkKnight’s bedroom - I don’t know why but it was my first thought - and I didn’t come out until MisterMoonbeam told me that they had loaded up and left.
I had a lot of anxiety last night about this, and this morning I felt sick to my stomach. I was so worried that my mom would come down, and I figured it was a 50/50 chance. I was really torn over whether I would talk to her, and if I could forgive her for saying that she didn’t care about my kids, and for turning my entire life upside down. Apparently not. I saw her face and I was just devastated. I just remembered her saying those terrible things, and I had to get away.
Of course my partners were very supportive. They’ve told me all along that enforcing my own boundaries is important, and letting someone who is dramatic and harmful to me back into my life is stupid. I’m so bad about that - holding grudges is not something I am wired to do. It can take a while, but once enough time passes, I start thinking maybe people have changed and I worry about making everything nice again.
Well I am here to say that enough time has not fucking passed.
Just to list off all of the bullshit at the top of my mind:
I spent $1000 up front, moving my mom down to Maryland, at her request - and my sister’s - because she needed to “escape” from my brother’s verbal, financial and emotional abuse. The total cost ended up being closer to $2,000. My sister had initially agreed to cover half the expenses and instead gave my mom $200 cash and me zero.
MisterMoonbeam drove to NY with me -with less than a 24 hour notice - to transport my mom to Maryland - after being away from home for THREE WEEKS and making an all-day flight from Arizona across multiple time zones. He drove a moving van full of her stuff back in spite of being exhausted.
We bought a new house, so my mom could live in my old house. This was less than a week later from her initial request. We stopped our search for a multi-use building and instead pivoted so she would be safe and cared for. From the moment we agreed to move her in, we were pre-approved in less than a day, and had an offer in on a place 4 days later. We closed 45 days later.
I quit my Blessing Box. This was my purpose and my identity for the last six years.
My two oldest children agreed to care for her and help support a household, with them covering the majority of the mortgage and utilities and food at our old house. None of the three could afford to live alone, but together they could make it work. Her contribution? $400, all inclusive. She gave them less than a two week’s notice that she was moving out and not paying anything. We had to cover that so my children wouldn’t have any issues.
When I told her this could be damaging to their financial future - she should at least have the courtesy to give them a single month - she was nasty. She told me “I don’t care about your kids.” She refused to discuss any alternatives that could help them or us have a little bit more time to figure out the money side of things.
My kids had to find new living arrangements after having just moved in, because they couldn’t cover that $400 shortfall - my oldest daughter was in danger of her job closing down and her hours being cut, and my son is on disability. We were able to find them housing but it sucked.
She left almost everything she owned behind, and expected me to store it until it was convenient for her to send for it. She was belligerent and demanding that we would keep it for her and I guess pay for a storage unit? We ended up sticking it in my garage and in a storage unit that we already paid for.
I had thought I was pretty much over a lot of this, and I took on a lot of guilt and sadness from the entire affair. These were decisions that I chose to make, and convinced my partners to get roped into, and they were very much not the best choices in retrospect.
My son is settled back where he was staying previously, has his old job back, and has made a new friend. He seems to be doing very well. BugGirl is still having a lot of issues with her job and she might be moving in with us at Blackbird Manor, but that’s okay. We can help her. We love our new house bunches, and closing the Blessing Box has me focused now on the future, and though I am sad sometimes, I am happy with what I managed to accomplish with it, when it was open. We sold our old place and got back enough in the sale to pay off our credit cards, make repairs to the Manor, and have some fun.
All of that said, all of this was calm in my mind, for the most part. However, FUCK THIS SHIT.
I checked my mailbox and my mom has left a letter in there.
On the outside it said: GOODBYE.
The inside said:
1 Cor. 13 4
[BlueBird]
Love is patient and kind, never haughty or selfish, or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to whoever no matter what the cost. All special powers and gifts from god will someday come to an end but love goes on forever. Love Mom
Hope God will forgive you all.
I am FURIOUS. How dare she leave this nonsense. I am hurt; I am angry; I have utter disbelief. This instantly stirred up my attachment and trust issues. I am in bed with my cat Harry and I am just in shock. I don’t even know how to process this.
I’m going to talk to DarkKnight and MisterMoonbeam tonight. I need therapy. Full stop. I don’t know how to move forward with the amount of emotions I am feeling right now. God needs to forgive me?! What? I’m really confused. All this rawness is too much. I did SO MUCH, I convinced everyone who loved me to do TOO MUCH, and now I need God to forgive me? I…yeah. I don’t think this is a relationship I can ever repair.
Which reminds me, I need to do another post after this to write that I got my period, to keep track. It was 4 days early this month. Not terrible. It’s really light right now.
)
I get knocked down, but I get up again - you’re never gonna keep me down! 