Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

So I’ve been a bum today, and after yesterday I really need this. I didn’t fall asleep until after 2 am because I was just a stressed out mess of a human. Today has been better, in that I’m just tired and sleepy and idgaf anymore, at least not at this moment.

I did some short term budgeting stuff, and watched an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race (season 4) and now I’m waiting for a calzone to arrive from Pizza & Pretzel Creations. Oh! I started a load of towels, because the hose on my new bidet leaked and I had to sop up a bunch of water the other day! Guess I should stop typing and go switch that over to the dryer. I also refilled all of the bird feeders and ground feeders for the rabbits and squirrels.
 
Your mom is such a grade A piece of crap! I am furious for you reading all this then the letter was just the last straw. As others have said, you are a light we honestly don't deserve in the world. The fact you care so much after she caused you SO MUCH stress and hurt shows you are 100% the better person here. I'm glad you are surrounded with such love from your partners to us all here. Take some deep breaths, make time for you, and remember it is your boundry and and your decision if you ever want to even acknowledge her existence again <3
 
Thank you - I appreciate the support. I had another evening of insomnia, trying to figure things out. I just woke up in a panic at 8 am, afraid I had missed my 9 am appointment! Thankfully not. :)



For date night last night, MisterMoonbeam and I went to the Farm store and bought a new hook for our feeders, as well as 5 new suet squares, a 40 lb bag of cracked corn and a 40 lb bag of mixed wild bird seed. We also got another galvanized can with a lid - I think we have 4 now to hold the different types of food we have for our outdoor animal friends.

I cleared space in the garage last week for a set of shelves that still need to be moved, but I’m making an area to hold pots and mulch and fertilizer and soil. My plan is to also make space for all of these cans and things for the bird food. Right now they’re stacked in the shed area at the back of the garage. Hmmm I I’m not sure how to describe it - we have a 2 car garage that’s extra deep, and the back 1/4 has a half wall which divides the space off. We call this “room” the shed. It’s not a shed but it’s a very large space, and it has a peg board wall and a loft area. It’s a dumping ground but we are into the process of getting it organized. Today I’m hoping to load up the car with a bunch of items to donate, both from this area and in the rest of the garage space.
 
Your mom is showing narcissistic tendencies, in case that is not glaringly obvious to you.

I am not armchair diagnosing her as a NPD. But the markers are there. You grew up under her "care," so you've probably experienced this stuff all your life.
 
Magdlyn said:
Your mom is showing narcissistic tendencies, in case that is not glaringly obvious to you.

I am not armchair diagnosing her as a NPD. But the markers are there. You grew up under her "care," so you've probably experienced this stuff all your life.
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I’m not sure if I’d classify her as a narcissist. It’s just there’s always been an expectation that whatever happens, I’m the oldest daughter and I will fix things. She is introverted, has agoraphobia and is afraid of people and events. She grew up Catholic and it’s the type where women’s faces are covered in church and the mass is in Latin. Respecting your mother is not a thing I can question.

So the money and time and effort we took to bring her down and give her a safe space to stay - it’s not to be cared about; it was absolutely just the minimum of what I should have done. To be 100% - if she hadn’t made that comment about my children, I would have been upset, but it would have been something I could get past after a bit. It’s just the way things are, if that makes sense?

I’m so very tired now though. I moved away initially because my extended family is exhausting. High drama, and I had had enough of being the rescuer. We’ve had my parents move in with us, we’ve covered the cost of utilities, rent and food - even when we didn’t live nearby. I’ve been verbally and emotionally abused and made to feel like an utter failure of a human and a daughter for not being dutiful and this is just the next bullshit coming down the pipe.

I believe she is saying that god needs to forgive me for making her feel bad, and for being vocal about what she said to me about my kids. I am a failure for not honoring my parents, no matter what. It’s a commandment.
 
I was struggling with insomnia until 3 am this morning, and then my alarm went off at 5:30, ruining all of my plans! SirGawain had a tooth extraction this morning, so I had to pop up and go to Frederick to do the transport. Afterward, I had figured the weather was PERFECT for hiking, and I was going to snag another State Park for my collection. Unfortunately, I was so very tired, I came right home and got back into my pajamas, even though it was like 10 am. Lol I wasn’t able to fall back asleep, though I desperately wanted to do so.

I finished RuPaul’s Drag race season 4 though! I’m going to shower here in a bit, and then pack for my 4-day getaway with MisterMoonbeam. We have talked briefly about maybe taking off this evening and getting a few hours of driving down now, instead of doing the entire road trip in one day.

Right now I just have a hotel booked for Friday & Saturday nights, and tickets for the Ohio Ren Faire on Saturday. We’ve been invited to a game day in Virginia on Monday that our polycule friends are hosting, but we’re uncertain about making the trip after driving back and forth to Ohio. For Friday and/or Sunday, we’ve talked about going to a cat cafe, an art museum to see a Chihuly glass exhibit, or this art installation called OtherWorld. We haven’t made a choice yet.
 
I had a wonderful drive up and over to Ohio yesterday with MisterMoonbeam.
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We met up with an online friend I’ve known for 20 years, played Pandemic at a board game bar, and ate a lot of pizza last night. Super fun!

Today we went to the Ohio Ren Fest, where I was able to visit the Damsel in this Dress shop, which I dearly loved. This was sort of a pilgrimage for me, as I’d been planning the trip for a year. I spent over $1000 in the first hour and a half. I’m a little embarrassed by the number, but it was a blast! I had set aside that amount so I could buy what corsets I wanted without hesitation, and believe it or not, I did have to put some stuff back. 🤡

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In this photo, the one thing I bought at the shop was this cropped “Vixen” corset - with pockets! I had arrived with a different black cropped corset, but the pockets had an allure - and a function - that I could not deny, and I had to put it on immediately.

We arrived at 9:40 am, and left the Faire at 2 pm. It was 101 degrees and not a lot of shade! Overall it was a lot of fun and the trip has been great.
 
Driving home now, and trying to figure out the trip happening next weekend. SirGawain wants to go get Thrasher’s Fries in Ocean City. Lol It’s Pages Pride in Frederick, so the plan right now is to hit that for a couple of hours and then head out for an overnight getaway. I found a place to rent that isn’t horrific - prices haven’t come down yet to the off-season - and it should work. My bestie & her guy might come with but I don’t have a definite yet.
 
Bluebird said:
Driving home now, and trying to figure out the trip happening next weekend. SirGawain wants to go get Thrasher’s Fries in Ocean City. Lol It’s Pages Pride in Frederick, so the plan right now is to hit that for a couple of hours and then head out for an overnight getaway. I found a place to rent that isn’t horrific - prices haven’t come down yet to the off-season - and it should work. My bestie & her guy might come with but I don’t have a definite yet.
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I had a friend in high school that worked at Thrashers. Crazy how some good fries, salt + vinegar can change the outlook on recent events. I speak for myself though. Your mileage may vary. :)
 
TavMac said:
I had a friend in high school that worked at Thrashers. Crazy how some good fries, salt + vinegar can change the outlook on recent events. I speak for myself though. Your mileage may vary. :)
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Lol I hate malt vinegar on my fries. SirGawain can be persuasive though. 😂
 
It doesn’t look like Ocean City overnight is going to happen. The prices are still high and not reflecting the off-season yet. I found a 2-bedroom, 3rd floor walk-up for $100 a night, but there was a $100 cleaning fee, and then an additional $75 for towels and bedding - which we were required to fully launder and fold and put away before leaving. With taxes and fees it was up to $300. Then when I went to check out, I either had to pay $65 for insurance, OR $1500 for a refundable security deposit. For a single night? Not even beachfront? GTFO. I could get a regular hotel room for that price, and not have to front $1500. Crazypants.

We’re now discussing maybe doing the Pagan Pride thing in the morning on Saturday, followed by D&D afterward. Then, plan to leave super early on Sunday morning and do a day trip to Ocean City, returning later that evening. However, the weather is calling for rain. Honestly, I’d rather wait til later in the month for prices to decrease some more. Driving both ways in one day could be brutal - it’s like 3.5 hours, one way. Do-able, but not exactly fun.

I am kind of bummed today because I’m home alone. I’m supposed to be painting one of the paneled walls in the basement with a Kilz primer, but I’m so not motivated. My insomnia has been at the worst level it has ever been, so I’m just exhausted right now. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow to address that and my acid reflux. I lost a little bit of weight and now it’s terrible.

I haven’t heard from AdorkableDude all weekend. We both are stressed and busy, and it’s just not good timing. I had some ideas for date nights, but at this point I will probably do them with my other partners. I’m not really interested in seeing who else is out there, to be honest. I’m currently content with my polycule as it is.

My period is due this weekend, so maybe my feelings today are also tied up in that. Ugh, hormones.
 
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DarkKnight and I had a date night tonight and it was a lot of fun. I love him so fucking much! We had dinner out, stopped by Spirit Halloween and then spent the rest of the evening playing arcade games together at Tilt in the mall. Before heading home we shared a Ferrero Rocher milkshake. It really was a good time.

I have a doctor appointment first thing tomorrow morning. I’m dreading it, but I am looking forward to hopefully getting a prescription that works for my acid reflux. I’m going to ask for a referral for a therapist. I’ve been a bum for a bit - this shit with my mother has my head spinning. It just sucks.

In the evening tomorrow I have to take one of our cats to the vet for their annual shots, and then I’m supposed to go get a pedicure with my bestie. I really wanna cut my hair off to my shoulders, so I can get rid of this bleached out bullshit that I’ve had since last summer.

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Thank you to whichever mod shifted that last post of mine. I posted it in the wrong place. Oops! 😘😘
 
Well my doctor appointment yesterday morning was far from what I expected. I guess the news was good because I am moving forward with treatment now, but it was scary and depressing. I have a new doctor as my old one graduated? Lol Anyway, I like her, even though a bunch of shit was kind of a shock.

My acid issues: I’m now on a prescription dose of Famotidine, which is the generic for Pepcid. 40 mg morning and night. The doctor is concerned - like, a lot, a lot - and I’m waiting now for a call to schedule a endoscopy next week. She said I should hear from them by Friday. She also said that she doesn’t want to scare me or use the C-word, but that given my history and what she could see, to know that it is something we could be looking at. I’m like, what in the fuck, you just met me? But she did say not to worry too much at this point. Uh, yeah - because you’re not an ENT specialist, or an oncologist! Anyway, she also said I’d be knocked out for the endoscopy and to have someone drive me home, so I let my partners know that part.

I did like that she took the time to discuss the differences between Omeprazole and Famotidine. I knew this already, but it was nice to have her explain why though my genetic testing shows that Omeprazole isn’t the best choice for me, Famotidine is different and should work okay. (I have a variant of a specific enzyme that usually makes Omeprazole function inefficiently and/or ineffectively, and for me, this means that this particular medication doesn’t work at all.)

One thing I learned that I didn’t know, was that apparently cannabidiol would make this even worse for me! I don’t smoke pot (shit makes me paranoid AF) or do edibles, but apparently the genetic bullshit I have going on - it’s not a good idea. I did some reading today to try and see what was up, and yeah, I guess it inhibits this enzyme - among others - and since mine is already wacky, I should avoid it. Not a difficult thing for me, and this was good info to have.

Anyway, I have had two pills so far and it is definitely working. The last week I’ve been coughing like crazy at bedtime, and drinking tons of baking soda-water mixes that have mostly not worked at all. Last night I was out and slept through til morning. Yay! I hope this will be the appropriate dose. I don’t do well with big ol’ horse pills, and Prevacid is the perfect size for me!

We talked a little bit about my A1C. I tested at being pre-diabetic back in 2015, but only by a little bit. I made no changes, and in 2017, I tested normal. My doctor at that time said he felt I was still pre-diabetic. So I signed up for this testing trial at Johns Hopkins for people who were pre-diabetic and had sleep apnea. They did a TON of testing, and then told me I could not continue, because I did not have sleep apnea or pre-diabetes. Well, okay. In 2018, my fasting A1C was also normal.

Well, this new doctor said it had been awhile and she could test my A1C in the office right then, and it didn’t matter that I had a donut for breakfast. She said it would take about 6 minutes to get the results. In about 3 minutes, the nurse returned, with the doctor, and with someone who was introduced as the doctor in charge of all the doctors. Uh…okay?

My A1C was 9.8.

I am now on 1000 mg of Metformin in both the morning and at night. They also prescribed an injection that I have to do every morning, 10 units at a time. I took the Metformin first thing this morning with breakfast, and a short while later I immediately started feeling nauseous. Blah! It’s calmed down some as the day has progressed. I haven’t been able to do the injectable yet, because when I went to pick it up at the pharmacist, they said my insurance had denied it and they were waiting to hear from the doctor. Apparently it is there now - it’s called Basaglar and it’s supposed to last all day. I’m going to get it tonight.

I have to wait to start it though, as a diabetes management person will be calling me on Friday to have me come in to make sure I know how to do everything first.

I didn’t get a monitoring kit or anything. I’m supposed to go in for a fasting A1C in a couple of weeks. They have an appointment on Sept 27 already scheduled to adjust these meds then. They said they are thinking if things work correctly, I can stop the injectable then, and just take the Metformin. Honestly, I’d prefer the injectable - fuck those pills are HUGE. I had trouble getting it down this morning and I’m dreading it tonight.

Anyway, I’ve very upset and angry that seemingly out of nowhere, I have diabetes. I don’t think I had any signs and other than that one slightly elevated A1C several years ago, I seemed to be doing okay. Being upset about it doesn’t do anything though, so I’m just gonna deal with it, I guess.

No one said anything to be about diet or exercise. Maybe that will be the call from the specialist tomorrow?

I was really depressed about this, and feeling terrible. I know that MisterMoonbeam had to help his late wife with her diabetes regimen and I feel guilty about bringing this back into his life. I cried a lot yesterday. The fact that the number was so fucking high is terrifying to me.
 
Wow! That's crazy, BB. I'm so sorry you've been hit with this condition, out of nowhere.
 
Magdlyn said:
Wow! That's crazy, BB. I'm so sorry you've been hit with this condition, out of nowhere.
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Thanks. I’m looking at a list right now of “hidden symptoms of diabetes.”

I know I am fat - I have an apron belly and that’s a sign.

As far as drinking a lot of water and excessive urination, I don’t know. I do drink a lot of water, but that’s because it’s my primary liquid all day. I do it on purpose, because I thought that’s the healthiest way to be. And I do pee a lot, but that’s because I drink a lot of water. 🙃 I don’t have any excessive thirst signals or anything, but maybe that’s because I drink a lot of water already.

As far as other signs - I don’t have any numbness or weird tingling going on. Nothing I would classify as nerve damage.

Unexplained weight loss, that I do have from time to time though! I’ve written about it before, actually. However, I usually slowly gain it back just as quickly. 🤷‍♀️ The doctor clocked me yesterday at 218, whereas at the urgent care center when I had strep, I was 213. It was only a few weeks ago! And another symptom is supposedly increased appetite, but I do feel fairly steady with that.

Blurry vision - ummm maybe? I got bifocals last year and I feel like they’re not very helpful. I still lift them up to read things. I don’t feel like things have gotten worse though.

Dry skin - no, but only maybe because I moisturize constantly. I have an entire regimen each morning and at night. I’ve had guys tell me I have the softest skin! My face is a combination of dry and then I have oily patches, but it is mostly dry. Again, I use Micellar Water to take off my makeup, and then wash with a CeraVe facial cleanser. Pat dry, and then I use CeraVe Lotion. Would I be a scaly beast if I didn’t moisturize a lot? Maybe? It’s just a normal thing that I do so I guess I’d have to pause and see. That said, my feet are dry and I have thick heels, so I do need a Ped Egg on those, and again, I moisturize a lot! Also, I have always avoided the sun so I don’t have a lot of issues with sun-damaged skin. I have freckles but my skin is soft, mostly.

Exhaustion and extreme fatigue - this is 100%, but I usually chalk it up to being busy AF and having insomnia from massive amounts of stress.

Slow to heal. This is an issue with me. If I bruise or nick myself shaving it will be there a super long time. I’ve not had an infection or anything from a bump or from getting banged up though.

Gum disease - no. I have PTSD surrounding the dentist and all of the issues I’ve had with my Invisalign and missing tooth that the orthodontist messed up, but my gums are pretty healthy. I floss frequently and it’s not an issue.

Frequent yeast infections. Not really? I get them easily, but I know what will trigger them. Like, I have multiple partners, so I make sure to shower and not bang everybody back to back. Lol I don’t wear underwear, so that’s not an issue. If I swim in a hotel pool or a shared hot tub, I usually will get one, so I try to be on top of that if I start feeling itchy after. But just random ones, not usually.

Headaches, no. Frequent infections, no. Dark patches of skin, no. Loss of consciousness, no.

So I guess I do have some signs. They were easily attributed to other things though. I feel like it’s so unfair that I didn’t think to keep checking my A1C each year. Of course because of Covid I probably wouldn’t have gone to any testing - my surgery for my hidradenitis has been postponed and not rescheduled and that was VISIBLE.

Sigh. I’m not sure what I should be keeping track of at this point. I hope the specialist calls me soon.
 
ref2018 said:
Get a second opinion.
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Well, I think I kinda will be when I get the next test done in 2 weeks. It will be in the lab, and not in the doctor’s office.
 
I got a call today from the diabetes education office. She got me an appointment on Monday morning, which is perfect. She said to keep taking the Metformin pills, but that they will set me up with how to do the insulin injections then. She also asked if I had a monitor - which I don’t - and she thought it was ridiculous that I hadn’t been given one. She said they would sort that out on Monday.

Okay.

I was feeling fine when I woke up this morning and then after I took my morning Metformin, I felt nauseous soon after. I’ve had one bout of liquid shits - I’m actually writing this from the toilet. Lol As I’m shitting here, I finally ordered a second bidet. I bought one recently from Amazon and I don’t know how we survived previously without it. Lol No more wet wipes in this house! It’s installed in my master bathroom, and now I will soon have one in the shared hallway bathroom. We have four bathrooms, but I’m not sure if outfitting all of them is necessary. I have the Tushy 3.0 classic, and it cost $109. Highly recommended!

Today I have a huge list of errands to go run, and I’m not sure if I feel safe doing them. Yesterday I had long bouts of dizziness. I think I might try to prep for all of my errands and then have someone help me go to those places tomorrow. The one big issue is my son needs to go to the MVA and get his license switched to Pennsylvania. I suppose I can just go sometime next week instead. Sigh.
 
I canceled on my son, which I feel awful about, but I’m nauseous and dizzy and driving is just not a good idea right now.

I’m going to ask DarkKnight to stop and pickup my insulin today when he gets off of work. I have two packages I’m returning to different places, so I’m going to get those bagged up and I can hopefully get those taken to the UPS store and to the post office tomorrow. The bank, I can also leave off until tomorrow.

I’m hoping I feel better tomorrow so I can attend Pagan Pride. I want to look for accessories for my corset outfits. I know I won’t be driving there, but I can manage to walk some. I’ve done chores around the house, with just rests in between when I am feeling dizzy. Ugh.

Since the car is here, in a bit I am going to put on clothes (I’m in my pajamas still) and fill it full of donations. I am okay enough to work some on clearing out the garage. There are chairs there, if I need them!

Google says these side effects should stop in a week or so. Hopefully that means sooner rather than later. I don’t like feeling this way.
 
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