Fun and Frolic With Long-Term Love

Also remember that you've had him for a lot of nights and days etc and losing a few now while he is excited shouldn't ruin your life.
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I would agree, if I were in a healthier place. But I’m not. We’re not.

I’m starting back from baseline with my attachment stuff.

—alcoholism eroding my trust
—DarkKnight being unemployed for 5 months & being depressed
—BugGirl disappearing and potentially dying
—constant bullshit from my one neighbor threatening to destroy my purpose
—my therapist quitting in the middle of it all

I’m not trying to build myself up from a mild setback. I’m trying to recover from the almost catastrophic failure of my entire life.

And someone I love deeply but no longer trust, over the last year has failed to take any steps to learn about being a good hinge, fix his alcoholism and is now not sticking to established routines with zero communication. He’s just veering off into the unknown, with the potential to make all of his own issues - along with my own - worse, and it’s not healing and light to me. It’s fucking terrifying. He has started to finally do something, but it’s may be too little, too late.

I don’t fear he will desert me. I fear I will leave him first.


you could find a job, tutoring/teaching to get on with, so maybe focus on that and let him find his feet independently
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Please cease with your comments about me needing to get a job. Both of my partners believe in what I am doing with my life, and it’s importance in our community. If I were to lose that confidence, I would focus my attention on being of service to my home in other ways. At times in my life I have been the primary breadwinner. Right now earning isn’t my focus at all. And it won’t be, for many reasons. If this changes, it will be with the input of both my partners. Their comments recently have actually been the opposite - they want me to STOP working so hard, close the Blessing Box at least two days a week, and use that time to reclaim silence and work on my mental health while focusing on our shared home.
 
I'm going to leave it by saying I think you're being very subjective here. If you break down the things that has happened, the ONLY thing PunkRock is responsible for is the dependency issues and how that has affected trust between you. In terms of the other things, you're asking him to date your way because these other things happened to you and the people you (both) love. That's a big ask. People make these allowances for their partners all the time. I've said yes to similar big asks but each time I have said yes and honored that yes for as long as it was needed was when the person acknowledged the enormity and individuality of their request.

I say this because I'm sure you're aware that what you count as a "good" hinge likely differs from other people or even most people.

You need each other in your lives equally so to me, there is just as much pressure on you to compromise with what he might need from his polycule for it to contribute to his good wellbeing as what you need from yours. From my experience, even in the face of broken trust, saying it has to be this way or no way erodes any chance of sustaining the relationship.

My job idea this time was more to do with you having something independent which could focus on those very things you are talking about and hopefully reduce the amount of resources you require from your partners to sustain your emotional wellbeing and sense of normalcy.
 
I'm going to leave it by saying I think you're being very subjective here. If you break down the things that has happened, the ONLY thing PunkRock is responsible for is the dependency issues and how that has affected trust between you. In terms of the other things, you're asking him to date your way because these other things happened to you and the people you (both) love. That's a big ask. People make these allowances for their partners all the time. I've said yes to similar big asks but each time I have said yes and honored that yes for as long as it was needed was when the person acknowledged the enormity and individuality of their request.
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Dating my way = letting me know on the calendar when he’s got plans. That’s literally the only “rule” I have so far. I don’t feel that’s a big ask - especially since it is a shared calendar between myself, both him and DarkKnight, and my two daughters who need to know when and who they can contact when there are things going on. Consistency and truthful behavior I don’t consider a rule for dating - it’s a rule for being in my life, period.

The way my marriages work is that we love and support one another. In no place did I ever say that PunkRock was responsible for any of the issues I listed. Honestly, I 100% believe addiction is a disease so in part, I don’t even hold him to blame for the drinking. However, they are very real things that happened last year, continued to happen and are still affecting both me and everyone in the polycule. For anyone to think I would just get over any of these - with my already pre-existing attachment issues - is not being realistic. It would be both cold and callous for either of my partners to be like, “oh well, sucks to be you” and go and do their own thing without taking all these things into account. PunkRock isn’t responsible in healing my trauma, but if he wasn’t willing to support me and understand where my issues are stemming from - he wouldn’t be my husband. He married me knowing my issues needed work, and he saw me overcome them and heal. However, now my life went to complete shit and I’m battling both anxiety, depression and a recent death of a friend, and according to you I need to keep sweet and be happy he’s making “allowances” by putting things on a calendar? No. Relationship anarchy doesn’t work for me. If my guys don’t care about me as a partner or even as a human being, they can leave anytime. It may be a big ask for others to be truthful and open and honest, but those sorts of people would seriously damage me further and I have to protect myself from that.

I say this because I'm sure you're aware that what you count as a "good" hinge likely differs from other people or even most people.
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Sure. Definitions are subjective. Maybe others don’t want to know that they can rely on their partners. That’s them, not me. I know what I need and if I don’t get it, then my marriage is going to fail big time. That said, I don’t think that truthfulness and communication and staying clean is something that would differ from what most people would want in a hinge or partner. Regardless, it’s what I need. I don’t really care about what “most people” want.

You need each other in your lives equally so to me, there is just as much pressure on you to compromise with what he might need from his polycule for it to contribute to his good wellbeing as what you need from yours. From my experience, even in the face of broken trust, saying it has to be this way or no way erodes any chance of sustaining the relationship.
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So far, I have told him that I remain completely flexible. He’s been up front with the fact that they have yet to define their relationship, and the amount of time that may take from our existing family. I’m sure he has time available, so that shouldn’t be an issue, as long as things are on the calendar so we can plan around everything.

I am trying very hard to accept the addiction issues, every time they come to the front again. To pretend that nothing else exists as barriers to a healthy relationship - but the addiction - with him would be foolish for both of us. It’s the reason I haven’t been dating. I’m doing what I can to try and rebuild myself and keep our family intact.

To just pull out one of them - our daughter was doing heroin and refusing to answer our calls and texts for a year. More than likely prostituting herself to survive. To say that this isn’t an issue that PunkRock is responsible for is true. But it affected him very much as well - he gained 50 pounds and started drinking in secret! If I can’t count on him when she is living in our house, rebuilding her life and we are both struggling with the after effects on our relationship and on us as individuals - no. That’s not a husband. That’s not even a partner. In my family, we lean on each other, with compassion and kindness. Our daughter needs that. But we also need each other to heal. To do it alone and pretend that it is someone else’s problem...nah. I limited my dating because I was and still am in a dark hole. He’s dealing with it differently and that’s okay. But I’m not okay with him forgetting that this trauma exists and is ongoing. Is that too much of an ask? Well, maybe it would be for you. Maybe it would be for most people. Maybe it will be for PunkRock. I hope not in his case.
 
powerpuffgrl1969 said:
Blogs are supposed to be SAFE spaces, SEASONED.
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Bluebird has made it clear in her blog that she would want feedback. Pretty sure that is true.


I just wouldn't call someone who didn't use a shared calendar inconsistent or untruthful. I think that is oppressive. We know plenty of people have healthy relationships without it and still manage to create a situation where they aren't living up to the expectations of their loved ones. It is just sometimes those expectations are what has to change. That isn't relationship anarchy. Sometimes when people need what many would term too much control over your partners and metamours, they tend to justify it by saying they aren't into RA or similar structures when many others would simply associate that action or principle with respect and compassion rather than a specific relationship model.

I love my partners. Every single one that alive ever had I've loved completely. But I still have limits on how far I feel it is healthy to obstruct my goals and desires in order to cater to them. That isn't merely being reliable, that's being controlled. I understand that controlling someone makes their unpredictability less scary but over time, but it also scares them and anyone who offers love or attention without the control starts to seem like freedom.

I don't think you need to just "get over it", but I can't help acknowledging how oppressed I would feel if my partner relied on me behaving exactly in accordance with their protocol to feel emotionally well. That's true co-dependency, not interdependence. Sometimes you have to learn to feel supported by people without them having to squish themselves.

What I think is that you could get around the calendar issue by asking for times he can commit to being with you and family and sticking those in the calendar. Then any time he isn't committed to you, he gets to decide what he does with that. That way, you can pin down the time you need with him so you don't miss lunches or evenings you would be expecting him around and he gets to be spontaneous outside of those times.

Instead of focusing on trying to get him to report what he's doing in his other relationship and when, prioritize knowing when he will be around you and locking that time down.

You need to be open to the fact that yes, of course things might have affected him too, but doing this stuff with a new person and finding himself independently might be what HE needs to be better for himself and for you.

It would be like my mother or sister saying that I'm a bad daughter/sibling because I don't grieve in exactly the same way as her over our father's death. Sis has gone on a round the world trip with his ashes depositing them in places he loved or wanted to visit. She could have said that unless I give up my life as it is and join her, I obviously am not affected by his death as deeply as her. That isn't the case and my sister would never say that. She's aware that we are different people with different needs who will always support each other as much as feasible.

Right now, the grief for my father is pretty huge. Almost suffocating. If anyone suggested that my actions are not compatible with a loving and supportive daughter and sister, I'd never speak to them again. Including my mother.
 
But Seasoned, Punk Rock’s most hurtful lying is around his secret drinking binges and his promises to get treatment. These are areas that are foundational. He has known that. He has known it is a potential deal breaker for her.

I really don’t think that she is asking for too much that he not break longstanding routines without warning. Presumably he was standing on his own two feet independently before they got together and needn’t learn how now. Making Bluebird responsible for calendaring his time so that everyone in their car sharing (and other responsibility sharing) household can plan their time seems less mature. She may have to do it but it is his job as much as it is Dark Knight’s or Bug Girl’s.

I see you are giving what could be very useful advice in an honest way, I just don’t think you are really accounting for the myriad serious complications in their lives.

Leetah
 
I don’t care if anyone else thinks that it’s controlling to want a shared calendar to be accurate. For our family, it’s a necessity for our lives to function. If it’s a dealbreaker or seems co-dependent to others, oh well. I’m not partnered with any of those people. I’m not asking for an itinerary of events, just an entry with a time frame. It’s been asked of me in the past, and I’ve complied, and it’s been shared with my other partners in the past, so they could also see when they could fit things in. For our family, it’s just a tool we use to arrange our lives. It’s not some nefarious thing.

And yeah, I have no desire to fill in PunkRock’s calendar for him. He already does it himself for other activities. I’m not looking to be his mommy. Like - that idea more than anything screams issues to me. He’s a grown ass man, and can fill out a schedule himself. It IS inconsistent if he fills it out regularly for everything else and then now suddenly can’t manage to do it. I’m not sure if there’s another adjective here to use. Like, really? Lol

I don’t mind feedback, but you are coming off as harsh, SEASONED. Like, you’re angry about this and I’m not really interested in your type of poly from what you’ve written.

So, anyway, last night was fun, to say the least. DarkKnight and I had been comped free tickets to go and see a stage production of Bonnie & Clyde. Second best show I have ever seen at this venue - the voices were top notch, the set was sweet - yeah, it was a good time. The company was pretty amazing too - DarkKnight was hot AF. The only complaint I have was the food. We had a cheat day on our diet because we knew the buffet would be all carbs, but it was a waste for me because it all tasted gross. I had a cookie when I came home, but I am much more looking forward to my cheat day today. PunkRock and I are taking AntMan and BugGirl to IceFest with us, and I am hoping to enjoy some festival food before jumping back on the regimen on Sunday.

PunkRock and I did work out our scheduling issues yesterday. He brought me home lunch before showering and heading off to see HippieChick. We had another big communication issue - he told me that HippieChick had felt like we were butting heads all during the Game Night we had the other evening, and had decided that she didn’t want to be in our house with me or spend time with me at all. I was really flabbergasted by this, because I had felt it actually for the most part had gone well. I was pretty sad - not gonna lie - but accepting.

So later when they showed up in the evening, I was really out of sorts. I felt like DarkKnight had to hurry out and I was making her uncomfortable by having not left yet. She was perfectly nice though, and I was thinking that this lady was kinda fake, and was sad by that as well. I felt confused about how to handle saying goodbye to PunkRock, but I gave him a quick kiss goodbye, feeling not so good about it.

At intermission, PunkRock messaged me and said he was super happy because they had decided to date, with no expectations of the relationship escalator. They both REALLY liked each other and he got to hold her hand. I have to say this made my night, in spite of my earlier feelings. I was so full of squee for him - I could feel his positive energy coming through the phone, and I just wanted to jump up and down with joy for his joy!

When we got home, I went down to the basement bedroom and we had like an hour long discussion. It was positive and his face was beaming. I did mention how I had felt uncomfortable and he was shocked. He had mucked up what he meant to say. “Oh my god - NO.” He said that butting heads was the wrong term and he hated that he said that. He had meant to explain that she felt like our personalities were totally different! She is reserved and I am outgoing. And that she wasn’t saying she didn’t want to be in our house or spend time with me because she disliked me, but that she felt it was best if she didn’t intrude on our shared space too much while their relationship was new, because she was concerned about me processing it as being pushy or whatever, and her trying to take over.

I’m like, are you for real right now? Like that is a totally different vibe than everything you said earlier! PunkRock was like, holy shit - how did that get so garbled?! Don’t listen to me at all! I told him, dude, you caused me all sorts of stress with that. You bummed me out for no reason! Lol

So fuck. I told PunkRock I am perfectly fine with her being here - I love kitchen table poly and that hasn’t changed. He asked if I would be cool that if it was my date night with DarkKnight, if it would be okay to have her come over and hang in the house, on the couch or whatever, and I’m like, don’t I do that already with my other partners? There’s no difference there. Of course she’s welcome! We both want each other to be comfortable, and we like each other okay, so stop fucking this up. Lololol

He also had it in his head that they couldn’t have sex for the first time until mid-March, which is when she’s house sitting or something for a friend. When he started talking about it, I was like, wow - how can you wait that long? How are you not rolling into bed already? He thought I had set a date or something and I was just amazed. Like, what? That would be GROSSLY overstepping any sort of boundaries and no fucking way would I EVER EVER want that sort of restriction or meddling in my relationships, but also I have no clue how that even ever got in his head. Him being intimate with someone else doesn’t really bother me. I’m not threatened by it in the least. My only concern is that it doesn’t decrease my quality/quantity and other than that, be safe and go bang like bunnies. Lol

So he’s scheduling his testing next week and is hoping that she does the same. I told him no worries at all from my end of things. And I mean that, completely. I feel a lot of happiness right now for him - and her.
 
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That's the point Bluebird. It got in his head that you would need things like that because you DO come across like you need that level of control.

I'm not telling you these things because I think you should be with people like me, I'm saying that the person you've got might be more like me than you realize. If I were your partner I'd be TERRIFIED to progress a relationship with anyone in fear I'd do something that will set you off just by bonding naturally.

I really know that you're trying to come across ultra cool and like you're fine with this, but as someone who has had a fair few experiences in this poly world, I can see through it. You're panicking. Not just because of everything that's going on but because you're scared of your partner having other partners. That's why Hippiechick has seen through it. You can feel it. It feels like ants climbing on your soul when someone is pretending their cool but really, probably through no fault of their own or your own, they aren't. My guess from experience of several poly relationships where the PunkRock in the situation does everything to tread carefully around his partners, is that she did mean you were butting heads and what was said the first time. Later he just softened it so he didn't upset you. That is speculation for sure but nobody is going to backtrack from what he said initially to what he said later.

I've had those potential metamours who want to make up the bedroom for us and cook us breakfast in bed (yes really), and it came across like Cathy Burke in Misery.

Be honest with yourself, have you ever been able to cope with a partner dating without constant processing and having to "manage" your feelings around it? Like have you ever been able to just get on with your day without constantly assessing where they are and where they are going? Or needing to know when they plan to see each other or have sex or could you ever trust your partner to make responsible sexual health decisions without you knowing all the details?

You're not being *his* Mommy by filling in the calendar dates you want on the shared calendar and upsets you so much when it isn't there, you're being YOUR Mommy by seeing that you're not upset when you can't see his availability. The reality is that if updating the calendar with gus dates was seen as attractive or necessary, you wouldn't have to tell him to do it. He's happier just organizing his own time and managing his own commitments.


You can believe me or not but this will lead to situation where both relationships cannot survive together. I can see that already. He will likely pick you because you are the known and ending the relationship will lead to the unknown, but I know I wouldn't want to be the type of person who couldn't allow my partner the space to have what I have. To me, he seems like he is increasingly desperate for space to find his own poly way.

If you need to someone to diminish their autonomy for you trust them, that's an issue.
 
This is my journal. I’m not writing here to impress anyone or come across as ultra cool. I have zero desire to try to appear cool to my partner of 6 years or my partner of 16 years - they know that I am decidedly not cool already. That asserted motivation seems almost ridiculous when I think about it.

I have been with partners who have other partners, and honestly, it isn’t an issue. I’ve not had a primary partner with another partner - this is very true - but in and of itself it hasn’t been something I spend waking hours obsessing over when others are together. Shit, I was dating SirGalahad (is that what I named him - can’t remember) and he had a FWB he had had for longer than I’d been married to DarkKnight that he was seeing. I actually loved my interactions with her! Though I might have gotten a few twinges of jealousy here and there, for the most part, I was happy when I knew he was with her. Why? Because she was good for him, and a good person, and he was happy, and their relationship had nothing to do with me. It was similar with other partners and metamours. I don’t see that in the big scheme of things, why all of this couldn’t be the same with a primary partner.

You don’t have to worry - I don’t make my own bed now and no one wants to eat my cooking. No Stephen King story here. I will probably put my socks in the hamper and secure my sex toys so they’re in a drawer out of sight. PunkRock can do his own vacuuming and clear the cobwebs from the ceiling corners himself when he has visitors over.

Again, my calendar issue has nothing to do with anything but our logistical day-to-day. We’ve had the discussion and he agrees he needs to put his stuff on there. You’re harping on about an issue that should be fine moving forward. Good on you for having a life that isn’t so intertwined that you don’t need a shared calendar, but since I don’t have a car and I manage all of the shopping, bill-paying and planning for our polycule *and* appointments for my adult son (I’m his rep payee because he’s disabled) that calendar is LIFE in our house. Now we’ve added stuff for BugGirl and AntMan and things are even more involved. I expect PunkRock to put his scheduled wargaming days on there, as much as I do his romantic dates now. If he’s running off to Baltimore for the afternoon to see a friend, it sure as hell better be on there, or else he’s going to have to cancel because I’ve now added an appointment to take one of our cats to the vet in that same time slot.

That said, we’ve also talked about flexibility in scheduling, as that has come up in the past. He and DarkKnight shift overnights easily, as do I, when there’s a conflict. There is zero reason not to do the same for HippieChick - if it’s my date night/sleepover with PunkRock on Friday, but that’s the only day they can see each other due to her schedule - I will move things around so they can be together. I don’t have any issue at all with this.

Diminish autonomy? Because of a calendar issue? Yeah, we don’t have anything else to discuss. You’re way off the rails on this. You’re writing a narrative that isn’t mirroring reality.

I guess you’re welcome to keep reading and rooting for and posting up worst case scenarios, but I want things to go well for PunkRock and this relationship. So I am going to be cheering for him instead.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to get back to using my journal to post my feelings and experiences, without having to write mile-long entries defending myself and my family’s use of Google Calendar to you.
 
OMG 64 degrees in February?! I am wearing knee socks today because I can! Loving it.

I woke up today super happy. I scrolled through my phone and saw someone had liked a pic of my guys and me from two Christmases ago - all of us standing in front of the tree wearing matching pajamas. It just struck me suddenly that maybe this year, HippieChick will be here to have a set too. I was all smiles and squee about that! We haven’t had a new person to dress up with us since WarMan, so maybe it’s time for PunkRock to get us a new set up! When I talked to DarkKnight about how silly my thoughts were this morning, we also discussed how none of us know if HippieChick even likes any sci-fi stuff. Oh! What will we do as a theme if she doesn’t? Lolololol

Saturday was fun - PunkRock and I went to IceFest in Chambersburg with AntMan and BugGirl. My thighs were aching like crazy yesterday and today still, as I haven’t done that much walking in ages! There was a constant drizzle, but we still had fun looking at the ice sculptures and checking out the little shops and stores. Blew my diet by sharing a funnel cake, and later an apple cider donut, with everyone. Still, splitting one of each 4 ways isn’t so bad, right? I felt very loved and focused on, and I enjoyed the hand holding and stolen kisses with PunkRock.

I had some jealousy - like extreme level - pop up that evening though, and I needed time to decompress. It was something I am still kind of miffed about but there’s nothing to be done. PunkRock posted a music video to HippieChick’s Facebook wall - and it is a song that he not only put on my mixtape that he made for me, but it’s one I listen to at least once a day, and we attended a concert together for the band, AND I am currently working on a Morse code bracelet for him to wear based on the theme of their last album and tour! It was totally thoughtless on his part, I think. Like, why, why, why would he do that? It’s sorta sad-funny though, because I am 100% sure the reason it was in his head was BECAUSE I listen to it all the time and I’ve been showing him pictures of the bracelet. But I was like dude, really? Wtf?

NRE head for sure. He was apologetic and told me that him posting it to her had nothing to do with me, which of course is the truth. If he had room in his head for me at all in that moment, I know he wouldn’t have done it because he would have remembered at least one, if not all, of those facts. Sigh. It is a good song though. And after the fact I think it is a good one for the dizzy, heady feeling you get when in love. Which is why I listen to it so often! But in the moment of seeing it there, with her hearting it, I was just like, in shock, and so incredibly hurt. I unfollowed the both of them, for now. Not unfriended - but I just don’t want to get hit with something like that completely out of the blue again without warning. Like, I know my husband has the dumb-dumbs, but I’d rather be prepared to see evidence on my own terms, on purpose and not just randomly.

On Sunday - yesterday, BugGirl had her first real day of work with PunkRock. Apparently it went really well. PunkRock messaged me at lunchtime that she was working on the other side of the warehouse, so he hadn’t seen her. He did say that HippieChick was having a bad day and he was bummed that literally the only day they could see each other this week was the upcoming Saturday - and now it turned out that she had another event scheduled. I told him to invite her over for dinner. Like, could she spare a half hour? He was so excited at the idea - I had to remind him that CornFlower used to stop over after work 3-4 times a week so we could at least lay eyes on each other and have a conversation.

So that happened. They came home and went straight downstairs, and then came up to eat when DarkKnight finished cooking, ate, and then she went home. She said normally she goes home, empties the litter box, eats and goes right to bed from exhaustion, so she was glad to be invited over. PunkRock said when they went downstairs, they climbed into bed and both fell asleep almost instantly. Awww. I told her anytime was fine with me - dinner is something we do as a family usually, but with everyone having different schedules, sometimes everyone is all over the place. Our kitchen table only seats 4, so lately with AntMan & Bug Girl here, I’ve been eating in the living room with either DarkKnight or PunkRock, in front of a Netflix show. It was no problem at all for me to snuggle up next to DarkKnight last night, giving HippieChick & PunkRock space at the table and time alone together.

Today is going to be a busy one for me. I took DarkKnight to work so I could keep the car. I’m picking up my son shortly, as he has his w2 and needs his taxes done. I also have HUD paperwork to fill out and get him back on the section 8 waiting list for an apartment. There are two programs that he can kind of jump the line on because of who I know, so I am hoping things work out. But that’s going to be my morning. Then I gotta take him to work, and then take AntMan to a restaurant to get an application filled out. Apparently he talked to them on the phone and they told him to come in. I have a TON of Box business to attend to today as well.

Better get to it!
 
OMG BUSY. Ugh.

Yesterday I was seriously in the car more than I was out of it! I got my son’s taxes filed, and his rent money transferred. I filled out an online app and two application forms for rental assistance as well. We had to go hand deliver those in person, and my friend told me he’d almost certainly qualify and not to worry. Last night though she said there was another online app to complete so that’s on my list this morning. (Our youngest is moving out of their shared apartment May 1, so we are trying to get him into a cheaper place that isn’t a complete dump.) After all of that, I dropped him off at work early so he could get a haircut. He was starting to look a little crazy.

I am hoping to find time today for February budgeting. I can’t find the gift certificate I have for a local tea house, and that’s what DarkKnight and I really want to do for Valentines, so I need to make an effort to dig it out. Like, I am 100% sure it’s in his office, but the office is a disaster at the moment. Sigh. PinkRock and I want to go to Ocean City for a couple of days since the price is still ridiculously low for an ocean front room in the hotels there. Still, I need to budget and make sure we can swing even that small amount.

I am also working on our State of the Union meeting. So more financial paperwork is needed, and that shit takes FOREVER to set up. I basically layout every single bill, write up the history for the year, figure out ways to lower the costs, improve services, present it and ask my guys what they think. We also talk about all of the house projects planned for the next 5 years, costs for those, as well as looking at life insurance, retirement planning and vacations. I can only handle it in small doses! Lots of times I can’t complete categories without input from my partners either, so nailing down the numbers can take some back and forth.

My overflow room is a disaster right now. I didn’t do much with the Blessing Box yesterday since I was overwhelmed with errands. Thankfully AntMan picked up the slack while I was out and about, but a lot of the stuff needing attention right now are special requests. So I can’t ignore those today. I’m excited to get that all handled.

I am also riding a high right now on upcoming plans - I am joining a D&D 5E campaign that a friend is DMing in Waynesboro, starting on Sunday. DarkKnight has promised to handle the Blessing Box business on Sundays while I am gone. Since I had down time in between some errands - though I was spending that time in the car! - I used those minutes to write my character’s backstory and text with the DM about the scenario. I am so very excited to get back into D&D because it was such a huge part of my life several years ago. My character this time is going to be a half-orc female. I was thinking she would be a cleric, since I usually play a Druid and I wanted to try something different. Well, it turns out we already have 2 other clerics! Lol More healers are not needed, though the DM thought it might be interesting to have all these competing religions within the group! Lol I decided to switch instead to a Barbarian, since I’ve never played a fighter either. I still have to set up my stats and figure out some more info about my character, but to say I am excited is putting it mildly!

Yesterday was such a gorgeous day and I was bummed to be driving around in my car, rather than out in the woods or in a park enjoying it. Like, I totally had Spring fever! When I picked DarkKnight up yesterday from work, he went with me to City Park. I felt really seen by him and I appreciated the time with him. We did a lap around the park but then had to get home, but it was nice to hold hands and sit on a bunch watching the water a bit, on such a nice day.

PinkRoxk and I had Film League on the calendar, but he canceled that on me. DarkKnight didn’t want to stay out that late because he is an early-to-bed kind of guy. I told PunkRock later that I was sad we didn’t go - the showing was for Casablanca - but that I understood. We’ve been going for several years now, but when we started he wasn’t working a 12 hour shift the day of. He told me he absolutely would have gone if he thought he would have been home in time to go. We’ve missed the last few and it makes me sad. We also haven’t watched any of the movies in a while from the Top 100 of All Time list that we started on over a year ago. We stopped when Stormy died, because when I would post up our commentary on Facebook about each movie, I would also write a couple of sentences about her opinion. Lol Anyway, maybe I will suggest watching one tonight together to get back on track with that. We are both still interested in seeing them.
 
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PunkRock had the day off today, so we had a sleepover last night and some crazy good sex this morning. I hadn’t had anal in like...a year? It seemed like forever anyway! It hurt SO good. I’ve spent the entire day in like a happy fog, thinking about fucking him again tonight. Lol I hope he is up for it, because I am ready to go!

All of our taxes have come in, so I put together a list of what we need to pay. I’m completely clearing our smallest credit card (like $500) and throwing $1000 at the one with our worst interest rate. I also have to pay medical copays, and I am making reservations for a trip in March for DarkKnight and I, and one in May for PunkRock and I. Both of those are my wedding anniversaries. I am not sure where they both will be at, but I want to get them locked down so we have plans complete and the hotel covered.

I already paid for a short trip to Ocean City next week for Valentine’s Day for PunkRock and I. We went last October and it was like $115 a night for an oceanfront room with a balcony, full kitchen, bedroom, living room and a jacuzzi tub in the bathroom. It was the same price right now. In the summer this hotel charges anywhere from $500-$800 a night. Fucking ridiculous. I am excited to go and be together for a couple of days! I have no idea what is going on with DarkKnight and I next week for the holiday - we have conflicting schedules almost every day. He might take Wednesday off just so we have a date day. He has the time and we talked about it. He’s in a theater show right now for kids, and he has the male lead! So right now he’s gone to practice but we are supposed to be together tonight later. I am hoping we can figure out next week then, as well as our March trip!

Today I went thrifting all over town with PunkRock. I found two pairs of jeans - which is more jeans than I have ever owned in my life! I just stick to dresses and skirts and leggings, pretty much. But the one pair I currently own were falling off me the last time I wore them, so it’s time to trade up! Or down. I went down like 2 sizes! I was pretty shocked, to be honest. I am still fat but I guess the 21 pounds I lost had to come from somewhere. I bought each pair from a thrift shop for $7. I also finally bought a new pair of navy blue Converse sneakers. Our blind cat Poppy peed on my old pair, and on my gray boots, so those all went into the trash. So now the shoes have been replaced and I am happy I can get back to wearing my navy blue clothing again. Lol Don’t worry - Poppy is done with her peeing spree, thank goodness!

PunkRock and I went through the questions for chapter 2 in the More Than Two book last night. Eager to keep going on this. He has STD testing scheduled for tomorrow, but he’s not certain when HippieChick will have hers done. She’s coming for a sleepover Friday night, but he says they both have taken sex off the table. One, because of the testing not done, but two, she doesn’t feel ready for it. He’s just excited to snuggle her. She’s lucky - he’s a good snuggler!
 
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DarkKnight was at work all day, came home for dinner, and then left soon after. It’s Tech Week for his theater show. He’s the male lead in a children’s performance, and it opens this weekend. He has tomorrow night off from practice, but he agreed to go in and do all the dinner announcements for a different show, so our date night tomorrow will have a slight break in it. We are going to go out together just because. ❤️

He actually asked me if we could go out Saturday, but since our schedule is now having to be a little less flexible due to the addition of HippieChick, I had to make Friday work. Not that it was an issue. Originally PunkRock was saying that he and I could have dinner together since DarkKnight was gone, but his plan now is to spend most of the afternoon and evening with HippieChick at her house, and he is going to eat dinner there. So, no worries. I know he really wants to see her. I don’t mind waiting a little to eat after DarkKnight gets done with his announcing duties. To be honest, I am kinda confused as to why he wanted to change it in the first place! Lol Anyway, I am excited to go out for funsies with him.

For Valentine’s Day, DarkKnight did take Wednesday off from work so we could have an entire date day & night. I booked our reservation at the tea house I had a gift certificate for (2 Queen’s Teas!) for 11 am, and I *think* we may drive down to Rockville for either dinner at the Melting Pot or Iron Age. DarkKnight has never been to either and I think he’d be excited. Once he decides, I will make reservations and try to figure out what to do during the rest of the day! :) Just thinking about taking a little road trip with him has me squealing! It’s so hard to get him to make longer plans due to his commitments to the chorale he is in (he’s on the Board of Directors, as well as a baritone) and his theater shows.
 
As a former theatre tech (lighting), tech week is so essential to a production's success. And I appreciate any actor that comes in to stand there for plotting. And those who come in for cue to cue.

Also, Bluebird, your strength and dignity in your replies last week inspire me. I am conflict averse and would have been in tatters myself. Seeing your replies help me see how these things can be navigated, so thank you for being a role model (unintentionally).
 
Aw thanks you guys. I am just muddling through the best that I can. I don’t think that’s heroic - it’s just being me. Two things I am keeping at the forefront of my mind, always:

1. My partners love me and are not looking to do me harm.
2. I should always be looking for ways to assist my partners in any way that they need.

Both of these go hand in hand - I try to treat my loves as they have always treated me. They care for and respect me, they don’t try to shackle me or dictate the way my relationships go. They offer advice when I ask, and just hold me other times when needed. We have a shared future, and we work toward shared goals, whether those are in the distant years to come, or next week.

My life is full of love, and I am so very lucky to be living it! No matter how depressed I have been, I always remember that I can ask either DarkKnight or PunkRock for reassurance, and they will be there for me. Just like when they need comfort or support, I give to them. ❤️
 
Tired but excited. I’m heading to Waynesboro today for my first game of D&D 5E in several years. DarkKnight is watching the Blessing Box today, so I know it’s in good hands! My overflow room is a disaster though, so I will be returning to a lot of work.

The last few days have been busy, but fun. I hosted 11 kids to go and see a stage show at the local children’s theater yesterday, and almost all of them needed transportation. Whew! PunkRock brought a couple over, and my chaperone brought 4. I pressed another driver into service as well as myself! Lol Crazy. Worth it though - the kids all had a good time, and several of them were brand new to going to a play. The youngest was 4, and the oldest was 14.

PunkRock and HippieChick are doing okay - the three of us went to dinner together at Ruby Tuesday’s last night. He had seen her briefly during the day before she left to go to a class, and though it was our date night, she was heading home as we were about to go out, so I asked him if he’d like to invite her along. So she came. I was a little miffed at PunkRock though - he sat across from me and spent the entire time rubbing her arm. I told him afterward that it wasn’t cool - I *always* sit between him and DarkKnight when we go out. He said he knows that and panicked because she sat down where he was going to sit and then he wasn’t sure what to do. Lol He gets a pass this time. I wasn’t super upset or anything, but did think he was being kinda dumb. Near the end of the meal, DarkKnight was done at the theater so he joined us. So that was nice.

I found out HippieChick and I both have an adult son with autistic issues, and we talked a little about them living independently and the struggles with caring for them. That was really interesting! She doesn’t like sci-fi or fantasy stuff, which is something I had been really wanting to find out. I still invited her over to see The Mandalorian, as we are about to start watching that as a polycule once we subscribe to Disney + next week. She seemed happy to be included.

I actually ended up canceling my sleepover with PunkRock last night because I needed to finish up work on my character for D&D, but no worries. Imma catch him tonight instead. I ended up being awake til midnight rolling dice!
 
Bluebird said:
I actually ended up canceling my sleepover with PunkRock last night because I needed to finish up work on my character for D&D, but no worries. Imma catch him tonight instead. I ended up being awake til midnight rolling dice!
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I'm interested in what you're playing, do we get a sneak peak? haha
 
Ha! Did you just ask me about my character? Lololol

I’m a half-orc female barbarian with red hair. My background is that I’m Haunted. Mom was a human, dad was full orc. They were in love, but my dad died in a battle when I was super young. I wasn’t bullied due to my size and competency as a child, as my village saw my height and broad body as an asset. I always excelled at outdoor activities and foraged in the woods, doing tasks usually assigned to older children. I was proud of my heritage and skills. I was even a bit arrogant as I was even better at feats of strength than boys my age.

My mother died from a sickness, and our home was burned to the ground in an extreme measure to stop a plague. I was sent to live with my father’s family, and there I was not the biggest or strongest, and my human side made me, in fact, the weakest. I was ridiculed for being half-human, and I quickly learned to curtail my rage and suppress fighting back because I couldn’t win with my fists.

After coming of age, I was forced into a marriage with an orc who didn’t love me at all, and was an abusive asshat. He wished to secure my father’s legacy and would leave me alone in a cabin on the edge of a great forest alone for months, and then show up to beat me up. I have a ton of scars all over my body from his shitty behavior, so I never take my clothing off in front of others.


At the last visit, I snapped, and I hacked his head off from behind with a hand axe. I freaked out that this happened, and grabbed a couple of things (his Explorer’s pack with some gold, 2 hand axes and a javelin) and started running through the woods, wearing nothing but his old underarmour padded shirt.

The story starts here, with me tearing through the forest. The DM wanted all of our group’s characters to be enveloped in mist and transported away to this other world. We are playing The Curse of Stradt, which I know nothing about other than its vampires!

In this story, though I am a fighter, I am reluctant to rage. Before the murder, I had constant dreams of the orc god Gruumsh whispering evil in my dreams, and now that I have let it out, I fear there may be no hope of escape. I don’t talk about these dreams, but I am usually unable to take long rests and have to be content with short ones. I feel like I am cursed, though rage is part of the orc nature. I automatically assume the worst in people now, and put no trust in divine beings.

In today’s game (3 hours) I managed to secure some clothing (long sleeved black dress and a red cloak) and some bling - 3 gold rings and a platinum necklace. I was also really helpful to my party because I found two hidden rooms in a house we were exploring, and I proved to be very good with my hand axes in battle. I managed not to rage, though one character tried to urge me to do so.
 
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Bluebird said:
I am also working on our State of the Union meeting. So more financial paperwork is needed, and that shit takes FOREVER to set up. I basically layout every single bill, write up the history for the year, figure out ways to lower the costs, improve services, present it and ask my guys what they think. We also talk about all of the house projects planned for the next 5 years, costs for those, as well as looking at life insurance, retirement planning and vacations.
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As the person in control of (responsible for) our household finances - I feel what you are saying here. One thing that I have found is that I am doing these spreadsheets, essentially, for myself...the boys don't actually care, they trust that I am taking care of things. After all of the calculations and analysis, I find that they just say "Whatever you think best, dear!" Although I keep track of our finances daily through websites and apps (curious as to what you use - I mainly focus on Personal Capital), I also cycle through phases of focus - utilities, credit cards, mortgage, etc. to make sure that I am not missing any opportunities for saving.

Currently, I am in a "decluttering" phase - it helps that MrS is volunteering at the local thrift store - it helps me to let go of "stuff". (I find it interesting that they have offered to hire him for pay, but he prefers to volunteer - we don't "need" the money and, being a volunteer, he doesn't need to put up with any bullshit if he doesn't want to.:rolleyes:
 
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