Getting back together with an ex?

[G3rain1]

Ex girlfriend contacted me after 3 years.

She ended things back then. I was completely broken afterward.

We've been texting back and forth for around a month now. She's hasn't explicitly stated she wants to get back together but it really seems like things are heading that direction.

She says she still has feelings, misses me, wants to meet in person again. It was an LDR.

Not sure if it's relevant but we're both married to other people as well.

No specific questions. Just looking for advice in general.

 

[Evie]

LRD?

 

[G3rain1]

LRD?

LDR. Long distance relationship.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello G3rain1,

The thing to say to her, is to ask, how do you know she isn't going to end things again? If she can give you a satisfactory answer, you might consider getting back together with her. Of course, both of you must get consent from your spouses.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[G3rain1]

how do you know she isn't going to end things again?

I don't think that can be known. People charge, feelings change, relationships change. None of that is easy to predict. It's a risk all relationships have, not just exes getting together again. I wouldn't demand such guarantees from any partners nor be able to give them myself.

 

[Evie]

Then what's your hesitation?

 

[G3rain1]

Then what's your hesitation?

Not sure, entirely.

It's less so about the future, more about the past I spent the last 3 years trying to forget her and never expected to hear from her again. This past month has been somewhat surreal for me.

Considering how hard and quickly a lot of my emotions came flooding back I doubt I was ever truly over her. Which is not something I thought was true more than a month ago.

It just feels like there's a lot to untangle.

 

[GalaGirl]

So why get that mess cranked up again, when it was so hard to get over her?

Are both of you in open marriages? Or not really?

Why is the ex reaching out to you? For what purpose? Is she looking to monkey-branch out of her marriage, using you as the stepping stone? (Not being mean, just that I've seen that kind of thing happen. Just because she might have marriage problems is no reason to get you involved in all that.)

We've been texting back and forth for around a month now. She's hasn't explicitly stated she wants to get back together but it really seems like things are heading that direction.

What... against your will/consent? She's "hinting," hoping you will make the first move? Something else?

She says she still has feelings, misses me, wants to meet in person again. It was an LDR.

She can have her feelings and miss you, and you still don't have to do anything about those.

You also don't have to accept every invitation you get. It's ok to DECLINE getting together in person. It's also ok to DECLINE any more texting.

You can say "No, thanks. I don't want to meet in person. I also don't want to keep texting. Let's just call it nice to hear from each other and let it go again. Like, a holiday card once a year is good enough for me. And it is ok to miss some years. I'm not looking to start anything up again here. We both have other lives now."

And then, rather than doing anything new with her, you let it lie and let it stay over. No reboots.

You might choose invest in a counselor to help you untangle whatever remains that you didn't realize was still left over, so you don't let your recent past cast shadows on your present.

Galagirl

 

[G3rain1]

Why get that mess cranked up again, when it was so hard to get over her?

Because other than the breakup, it was a hugely positive experience for the both of us.

Are both of you in open marriages?

Yes, we've been poly for over a decade. They have for at least 7 years that I know of, probably longer.

Why is the ex reaching out to you? For what purpose? Is she looking to monkey-branch out of her marriage, using you as the stepping stone? I've seen that kind of thing happen. Just because she might have marriage problems is no reason to get you involved.

I asked why before and she only said because she misses me. She told me since the past 6 months she started to think of me more and more often until she felt compelled to message me.

What... against your will/consent? She's "hinting." hoping you will make the first move? Something else?

I'm not sure what you mean by this. We've just been talking, reconnecting, and both expressing desires to meet again. But nobody's labeled anything yet.

She can have her feelings and miss you and you still don't have to do anything about those.

I know I don't have to, but big part of me wants to. A small part is apprehensive though. Hence why I'm posting here.

Sorry, maybe this is a case of text not conveying tone, but you seem quite hostile towards her and the situation without warrant.

 

[GalaGirl]

Not being hostile, just text not conveying tone.

I know I don't have to, but big part of me want's to. A small part is apprehensive though. Hence why I'm posting here.

So what you need with is help laying the apprehension to rest? You are worried it might not pan out again and then there will be another breakup? If so, you could remember that breaking up is a normal part of dating. I guess you could talk about how you prefer to be broken up with if it has to happen again. You could still invest in a counselor so you have extra support in place. Maybe this helps you find one.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

And then go ahead and date again, secure in the knowledge that the breakup (if it has to happen) won't be a surprise like the last time. It's been talked out.

Ultimately, you are the one who gets to decide if you want to try again or not. Either way is ok.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

It would help to know more background as to why the breakup happened in the first place.

Also, how long did you date her? How long distance was it? Was your relationship mostly online? Did she find that frustrating? (I know I would.) Is she still just as far away as before? Won't visiting be even more difficult now that you're both married to others (and are maybe even parents)?

Did her reason(s) for breaking up with you somehow melt away?

Why has she been thinking of you more "in the last 6 months" specifically?

 

[G3rain1]

So what you need is help laying the apprehension to rest? You are worried it might not pan out again and there will be another breakup?

Not exactly. Only in part, I think. I'm more focused on how to prevent the negative feelings from the past from interfering going forward.

For example:
Do I treat this as a continuation of the previous relationship, or an entirely new one? Neither seems correct. Do I bring up the past in an attempt to avoid the same pitfalls, or is that bringing up unnecessary negativity? How do I separate the negativity from the end of the relationship from the stuff created by my mind in the 3 years after that? How much of this is my own demons to battle and what should be shared with her?

I'm just not very experienced in getting back together with someone.

It would help to know more background as to why the breakup happened in the first place
Did her reason(s) for breaking up with you somehow melt away?
Why has she been thinking of you more "in the last 6 months" specifically?

She doesn't know exactly in either case. She said her feelings just sort of faded, but couldn't explain why. And then they slowly came back. Again she's not sure of the reason. I have a few hypotheses, but I don't really want to interrogate her on them.

Also, how long did you date her? How long distance was it? Was your relationship mostly online? Did she find that frustrating? (I know I would.) Is she still just as far away as before? Won't visiting be even more difficult now that you're both married to others (and are maybe even parents)?

We were together for around 4 years and and met in person 6 times. First meeting we weren't a couple yet, though we flirted, and could sense mutual attraction. So I guess it's 5 that actually count. Covid kept us from meeting for about a year, other wise we'd have seen each other more. We did have a routine of weekly video chats. Long distance enough that airplanes needed to be involved to see each other. We both found it very frustrating, but discussed it and both decided it wasn't a deal breaker. We've both been married for longer than we knew each other, and actually my wife introduced us. Neither of us has or wants kids.

 

[GalaGirl]

Do I treat this as a continuation of the previous relationship or an entirely new one?

I'd view it as a reboot, like a new relationship that is informed by past experiences. It's been a few years, so some things might have changed, some things might be the same.

How do I separate the negativity from the end of the relationship from the stuff created by my mind in the 3 years after that?

How much of this is my own demons to battle and what should be shared with her?

This is why I suggest working with a poly counselor. You can share that you are in therapy and will bring things up as needed. And the therapist can guide you on what should be just you and what should be shared with her.

The counselor might also help you decide if you even want to do this reboot in the first place, or if it's too many things, too many years, too much stress, etc.

Do I bring up the past in an attempt to avoid the same pitfalls?

If you decide to date again, yes, bring it up, and see what growth there has been on both sides.

You could talk about the LDR issues and how they might play out today.

It's not "negative" to want to know what you are getting into. It's not "negative" to want to prevent problems and have clear expectations of each other.

Like, if she had a problem with being punctual in the past, and you would get tired of waiting around for her to show up on dates, you might learn that since the break up she's gotten an ADHD dx. To deal with her "time blindness" she now uses alarms and other tools to help her be punctual. (One of my kids has this.)

She doesn't know exactly in either case. She said her feelings just sort of faded, but couldn't explain why. And then they slowly came back. Again she's not sure of the reason. I have a few hypotheses, but I don't really want to interrogate her on them.

Was it NRE fading? The limits of LDR dating? Something else?

My ADHD kid waits 4 months before asking someone they are into out. It helps them make sure they are actually into the person and it wasn't like ADHD hyper-focus or something. When they hyper-focus on something it runs hot for about 3 months and then drops as fast as it came on. Hence their personal decision to wait 4 months to be sure the interest is still sticking around.

I'm just not very experienced in getting back together with someone.

It's ok not to have much experience. Ultimately, you are still the one who gets to decide where you want to invest your time and energy or not.

GG

 

[G3rain1]

Small update, we plan to meet early next year. I will fly to her country and stay with her for a couple weeks.

Was it NRE fading? The limits of LDR dating? Something else?

Possibly NRE fading. She had started dating a coworker around that time (which I felt coincided precisely with her disengaging with our relationship) and she'd expressed having lots of NRE with him.
Recently I brought this up with her after she brought him up in conversation. I told her I felt replaced. She said in my position she would feel the exact same, but wouldn't confirm that is actually what happened.

 

[GalaGirl]

Small update, we plan to meet early next year. I will fly to her country and stay with her for a couple weeks.

Fair enough. Make sure you have money for hotel and changing flight to go home early if you end up not getting along so you aren't stuck in awkward for weeks.

Hopefully it goes well and isn't even needed... but have the emergency funds anyway.

Recently I brought this up with her after she brought him up in conversation. I told her I felt replaced. She said in my position she would feel the exact same, but wouldn't confirm that is actually what happened.

I could be wrong but it sounded like poly hell stuff playing out over LDR to me.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

In your shoes? I'd figure the answer is "Yes, the local relationship did replace the LDR one for a time."

LDR comes with a lot of challenges. Eventually you have to talk to her about how she will manage NRE different in future so it dings you less if you become an LDR dating partner again.

If she's dating someone local, it's just going to unfold different than dating you LDR. It is what it is. If you can't accept or deal with that, you might rethink rebooting LDR with her. You might decide it's not just with her -- you might decide you don't want ANY long distance relationships.

You have time between here and the visit next to figure things out.

GG