getting emotional support for an unconventional living situation

MeeraReed

Well-known member
How do I have a productive discussion with non-poly friends/family about a situation that is a little disappointing but is overall a good thing?

My partner Eli and I have always lived separately from each other and always will. Living apart works well for us--we would not be compatible living in the same house. I'm introverted and very happy doing solo poly, and Eli is extroverted and likes having his own space for seeing various partners as he pleases. We consider each other committed life partners despite keeping our living arrangements and finances separate. We've been together for almost 9 years.

The only thing that doesn't work well about our situation is that we live far apart from each other--between 1.5 to 2 hours depending on traffic, even 2.5 hours at rush hour. It's inconvenient and means we don't see each other on weekdays unless someone has the day off. (Our visits have also been more limited by the pandemic). But we were each quite happy with our own living situations--each conveniently close to our respective jobs, me in a large house where I can take care of my parents and enjoy the rural quiet, Eli in a city apartment near the subway and his large friend group, etc.

Eli always wanted to buy a house eventually, but Boston area prices are ridiculous. He assumed he couldn't buy without a partner with a second income (and he did potentially want a live-in romantic partner someday, but never clicked with anyone). In the past year, a bunch of things changed--he developed a platonic domestic partnership with his roommate/best friend Violet, he got a significant promotion & raise, and then COVID made living in a cramped city apartment absolutely terrible and pointless (while also causing lower interest rates/making more affordable mortgages).

So Eli was able to buy a house outside the city last month, on his income alone, in which Violet will also live (she will pay rent when she is able to--she is a performer and COVID completely destroyed all her income sources). This is a good living arrangement because Eli hates living alone, and Violet is a fantastic roommate for him. It's a bit unconventional--they are nesting partners but don't have sex--but it works for them, and doesn't bother me.

The only problem is, the location of the new house isn't any closer to me. That's where my disappointment comes in.

It's not exactly FARTHER away--the drive there will be on a less stressful highway with significantly less traffic. It actually does take about 10 minutes less for me to get there directly from my house (although it is about 5 miles farther if you count the exact mileage). So...I think it will overall be an improvement...but not much of one.

However, the distance is definitely balanced out by how large, cozy, and comfortable the new house is. I have my own room there! My own dedicated bedroom that is big enough for me to have space for writing and/or remote work! That means I can stay for longer visits. AND THERE ARE 3.5 BATHROOMS!! This is fantastic for me, after 9 years of there being someone else--roommates, Violet, Violet's boyfriend--in Eli's apartment bathroom EVERY time I needed to pee, LOL.

Plus, the house has a mother-in-law apartment, so Violet will have her own space. AND there's an extra guest bedroom (besides my bedroom) AND an office for Eli to work from home in. All in all, I don't think Eli could have found a more ideal house right now, for that price. And the location is quite good for him--on a quiet street with no close neighbors, not too far from his work if he ever needs to return to the office, in a town near his other friends, near Violet's primary boyfriend, etc.

Eli has also been dealing with chronic pain (probably an as-yet-undiagnosed autoimmune disorder) and has been depressed from pandemic-related isolation. So, those were factors in Eli's decision--which I supported--to jump on this particular house now rather than keep looking for one closer to me. He wants to be settled in and comfortable for what might be a long pandemic winter. I think it's the right decision, and will be good overall.

The other issue, for Eli, is that he dislikes all of the towns that are closer to me--and I can't blame him, they are basically suburban commuter hellscapes. He would be miserable there, and farther away from his other friends. And also, I ended up getting laid off unexpectedly--so I am actually quite relieved Eli didn't buy a house based on where I live/work, because I could up working a new job somewhere totally different (perhaps even closer to the new house).

But it HAS been a struggle for me. Initially (over the summer) I was upset at Eli's house-hunting process. I couldn't join him in looking at houses because of COVID, and I felt like he and Violet were rushing ahead without considering me. I was upset that they were looking at houses north of Boston, when I live much farther south. But this was resolved when he found a house big enough for me to have my own room there--I got on board with being excited about the house.

So, Eli and Violet moved last week, and last weekend was the first time I drove directly to the new house--and I realized that the drive is longer than I expected. So I'm back to feeling...disappointed and a little frustrated. But there's nothing I can do...the house is where it is. I'll get over it.

Longer term, I could potentially relocate closer to Eli's new house. But that would YEARS from now (when I'm not taking care of my parents). My dad has Parkinson's and has been doing worse lately, so I'm stressed about that too...

Okay, so I've diverged a lot from my original question. I'm processing my feelings about the new house situation (on top of being laid off and watching my father decline). I do THINK I am overall happy with Eli's new house--but then when I mention where the new house is, I've been getting VERY negative reactions from friends and family (who are not poly or unconventional/alternative). Which is making me feel worse.

Like, a good friend of mine gave a shocked gasp and said, "So Eli really doesn't want to live closer to you, does he?" Other friends who I thought understood that I really don't want to live with a partner, made comments like "I guess you really won't ever live with him, then" in disappointed tones. Even my mom, who knows and likes Eli, and appreciates that I am continuing to care for her and my dad, keeps harping on about the distance to the new house and how it's "too bad" Eli couldn't have moved closer. My mom and my friends also all made negative or disdainful comments about Violet, too.

With all of these people, I ended up going into the long story of all the specifics on why I supported Eli getting this house and why it will overall be fine. But obviously I can't hide my disappointment and how I think this is Not Ideal, but was the best option available. The conversations ended awkwardly, with my friends clearly feeling sorry for me instead of being encouraging.

Their reactions are quite different to other disappointments in my life. Like, these same people were appropriately sympathetic about my layoff and appropriately encouraging about my job hunt and my specific career plans. But with the house situation, they seem to really want to lay negative blame on Eli and Violet. None of them have met Violet, and I think they really don't understand the relationship anarchy aspect--that Eli has a platonic nesting partner and I am perfectly comfortable with this. (I consider Violet a platonic metamour).

So I find myself defending the alternative/relationship anarchy aspects of the situation, and minimizing the fact that I really am sad about how the logistics are working out with the house's location. I'd really like a friend who could be encouraging and enthusiastic. Is there a way I can re-frame this?

Or should I just keep processing on my own until I genuinely feel more positive about it myself? Or seek out more poly/RA friends who can at least understand that I am genuinely happy that Eli has a platonic domestic partner, so that that aspect doesn't derail a discussion about the house? Or...?
 
How do I have a productive discussion with non-poly friends/family about a situation that is a little disappointing but is overall a good thing?

With all of these people, I ended up going into the long story of all the specifics on why I supported Eli getting this house and why it will overall be fine. But obviously I can't hide my disappointment and how I think this is Not Ideal, but was the best option available. The conversations ended awkwardly, with my friends clearly feeling sorry for me instead of being encouraging.

I'd really like a friend who could be encouraging and enthusiastic

I wonder if you could say what you need more up front to these friends? Maybe you needed time to process to be able to articulate it?

I think you could tell the friends if it comes up again something like

"Yeah, I have mixed feelings. Like yay! Pandemic made it so he can afford a house! But boo, it's not closer. I think in the end it will work out and be ok, but I struggle with my own mixed feelings at this moment. To help me, I could use some encouragement and help being enthusiastic about my new room over at the new house. Finding the bright sides, rather than all this focus on the bummers."

Sometimes you may just have to TELL people what to do or say.

While at the same time.... seeking more poly/RA friends who can provide you with better support because they "get it" better without you having to prompt. But nothing wrong with prompting.

Last night I told my spouse this.

"The correct answer is "There, there, poor wife. Those crazy work people!" I will tell a story about work. Then you say the correct answer. Can you do this?"

He agreed. I told the story. He commiserated and validated. I felt better.

And I got to skip this trigger area where he worries about saying the wrong thing, get all anxious, tries to "fix it" when I don't want fixing, blah blah blah. Or worse, turns it into a pissing contest about how "You thin your work is bad? At MY work..."

Will he ever get better at this area of communication with his listening skills? Who knows. We keep trying when I am cooler headed. Does it work better if I just tell him the correct answer ahead of time if I feel hot headed? Yes. Because it helps me get to where I want to be -- cooler headed!

Galagirl
 
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Hello Meera,

My vote is to seek out more poly/RA friends who can at least understand that you are genuinely happy that Eli has a platonic domestic partner, so that that aspect doesn't derail a discussion about the house. Your current friends do not understand poly/RA, and are not being supportive. Not to say you should dump your current friends outright, but maybe put some distance between you and them while drawing closer to new friends who will support you in the way that you need. That is my personal opinion anyway, I could be wrong.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi, Meera. I can so relate to the lack of understanding from your closest friends and family. My friends and family are not poly friendly (even the nonmonogamous ones are still monoromantic.) Those i am out to do not understand my relationship structure. And obviously those I am not out to can't understand. In both cases, they do not understand why I am not on the relationship elevator with Blue. We have done a trial of living together (while still maintaining our own homes). It did not end well. Blue's relationship style does not mesh well with mine for cohabitation! We have, however, settled into a permanent partnership. With the pressure of trying to fit our lifestyles into one home, gone, our partnership has flourished. We consider each other family and lifetime partners. No one in my day to day life can relate to my desire to live alone. And it really is that simple now. I like living alone.

In the beginning, I tried to explain... and justify.... and defend my life choices. Now I just don't. I refuse to JADE (justify, argue, defend, or explain) our relationship or my choices. Instead, if they make a negative comment, I just say something along the lines of "this is working really well for us. I really like living alone. Of course sometimes I do get lonely but my cats help with that."

I like what galagirl said about telling them what you need from them. Her example was perfect "I love the house, I love my room and the city. Of course I wish it were closer, but it really is great. " That way you've told them exactly how you're feeling and they can respond accordingly.

Thing is, our loved ones don't have to understand or like our choices. If they love and respect us, they will support our choices whether they can relate to them or not. Just sometimes, we may need to show them how best to support us.
 
Or should I just keep processing on my own until I genuinely feel more positive about it myself?
The more confident you are about this, the less need you'll have to for others to get you or validate you. Yes, you want to process on your own, but not because there are no friends to be found, but because becoming more solid in yourself will make a more solid base to which others will be drawn. Doing it the other way around (trying to get others to understand or be more supportive) never works because you're coming from a place of need and basic insecurity. People respond to what you're vibing out a lot more than to the words you say. Using a specific phrase isn't what draws support from others, owning what you want is what draws support from others.
 
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Thanks, everyone! This was very helpful.

To clarify, with these conversations with my friends & mom, I wasn't specifically seeking emotional support--I was just talking about what was going on in my life and was surprised by their negative reactions. Particularly with one friend who I've known for 20 years. I was so stunned by his reaction in the moment that I couldn't speak up or think what to say. I've always struggled with not being able to react to things in the moment--I have to chew it over later to process it.

Galagirl, I like your story about asking your husband to simply validate your workplace venting. I think that's great for routine venting about daily annoyances. For my case right now, I'm not sure that I was looking for a specific reaction or that I knew what reaction would help me. The new house thing is new and I'm still getting used to it.

FallenAngelina, I definitely agree about being secure in one's own choices. I think that's one of my biggest skills actually--knowing what I want and doing my own thing, and being able to process all my emotions on my own. Eli says I'm one of the most confident and emotionally self-reliant people he's ever met. BUT I feel like it would be nice if I could occasionally process my feelings about something WITH a friend instead of retreating into solitude. (People who aren't Eli have told me that I seem secretive and emotionally closed-off).

I definitely like solitude and am best at processing my emotions when I'm alone. I learned over time that that works best for me. Seeking support or advice from friends (about ANYTHING) usually just amplifies my doubts and makes me feel worse. But, if I figure out on my own what I want and present it to friends as a done deal, then the friends are supportive and encouraging.

Yet that means that when I'm going through a hard time or even just struggling with a normal decision, I have to withdraw/retreat. This works for me, but is also lonely.

PinkPig, thanks for being able to relate to a permanent not-living-together relationship. Your dynamic with Blue sounds very similar to what I have with Eli. I usually don't feel like I have to justify it to people--but every so often, I'm thrown by someone's bizarrely negative reaction.

I think part of the issue is that in this case, conversations I expected to be simple keep getting derailed by people's confusion or judgment about Eli's relationship with Violet. This was surprising to me. But now that I know that's what people are going to focus on, I can try either ignoring it, or talking to them specifically about it. (The latter is worth doing with my mom, since I live with her).
 
Hi MeeraReed - sometimes people can amplify certain voices in your own head. It's so understandable that you have mixed feelings (and you articulated what you feel, and why, really clearly in your post). It seems to me that your friends have picked up on the challenging threads of this move, and aren't able to see the positives that you do see. Do you find that your friends are vocalising your fears? Albeit in an unbalanced way? That can be difficult to be around.

If you normally process things by yourself and then present the finished item to your friends, it could be an unfamiliar space for everyone to be on the working side of the tapestry. Things which are obvious to you are not obvious to them. Things which you've already processed or are coming at from different paradigms (such as Eli and Violet's relationship) are confusing to others.

Do you need more RA/solo poly-friendly friends? Maybe, if you'd like to be able to process this stuff with friends without having to do so much explanatory ground work.

I would find it hard to maintain vulnerability, uncertainty and honesty with friends who were critical about basic structures relevant to a particular life decision.

I hear that you want friendly companionship while you continue to relate with Eli and Eli's move and possibly other things in the future. It's nice to have friends that get you and that aren't hard work to get on the same page. Will a bit more sharing and possibly extra conversations be enough to get this companionship from your existing circle of friends?

I actually think, since it's all so new, you should focus on feeling what you do feel and seeing how things go with the commute and the spare room etc etc. And just be conscious that conversations with friends might unfortunately not be as simple as you had initially hoped or expected. Going with your life flow rather than pouring much or any conscious effort into "finding new friends" or "explaining things to existing friends". Processing with friends is a bit of an experiment for you, right? So keep doing it, if you feel like it, and see how that goes too.
 
How do I have a productive discussion with non-poly friends/family about a situation that is a little disappointing but is overall a good thing?
Also curious what you would find "productive" to "not productive" -- I'm guessing effort-to-award-ratio that the conversation stays on tracks that seem fruitful / interesting / useful to you and that aren't side tracked or gummed up in side issues?

Other people will have different ideas about the conversation landscape and possibly will need to be talked over some aspects which don't feel productive to you. These could be very productive for them and maybe mid to long term productive for you too.

I wish you well with settling into the new travel and living situation with Eli!
 
Sounds like you were surprised at the reactions from others and were just caught off guard by that.

Yet that means that when I'm going through a hard time or even just struggling with a normal decision, I have to withdraw/retreat. This works for me, but is also lonely.

I resonate with that. I can't be around "anxiety witter people" when I'm trying to sort out a best course of action. It doesn't help me, and it becomes "noise." Or worse, it sucks up my spoons.

But yeah, sometimes processing along gets lonely and sometimes it's nice to have safe sounding board people who will help me thinks something out, centering ME. Not piling on all THEIR stuff, reactions, responses, worries, anxieties, whatever.

Deep active listening really is a skill.

I think part of the issue is that in this case, conversations I expected to be simple keep getting derailed by people's confusion or judgment about Eli's relationship with Violet. This was surprising to me. But now that I know that's what people are going to focus on, I can try either ignoring it, or talking to them specifically about it. (The latter is worth doing with my mom, since I live with her).

I think you call it. You wanted to talk about you and your stuff. And here's these people having their reactions/responses that caught you off guard.

With some I'll make the effort. Like how you say this is worth revisiting with your mom. With other people, I'll just ignore, and/or change my expectations of them. I don't want to do "deep listening topics" with all and sundry.

Galagirl
 
Hi MeeraReed - sometimes people can amplify certain voices in your own head. It's so understandable that you have mixed feelings (and you articulated what you feel, and why, really clearly in your post). It seems to me that your friends have picked up on the challenging threads of this move, and aren't able to see the positives that you do see. Do you find that your friends are vocalising your fears? Albeit in an unbalanced way? That can be difficult to be around.

Thanks for your comments, fuchka! Yes, this sounds about right, mostly. I definitely have mixed feelings about the new house and was dealing with some challenging things with Eli over the summer--most of which are now resolved & processed (such as why he had to move ahead with the house-buying when I couldn't be involved at the time), the rest are in progress but going well overall (such getting used to the location of the house). So yes, it is hard to hear my friends calling out the challenging parts and not the good parts of the change.

But GalaGirl is right also: "Sounds like you were surprised at the reactions from others and were just caught off guard by that."

Yes indeed. Particularly I didn't know everyone would be so focused on Violet, when she's not the issue for me. (If she wasn't in the picture, Eli would still need someone else to live with--he's not meant to live alone!)

And it happened AGAIN today! A friend--who has normally been VERY supportive of poly stuff and really admires my relationship with Eli--got in touch to chat after we've both been super busy for the past few months. She sent a long message about her unemployment struggles and family health stuff, and I was looking forward to chatting about MY unemployment struggles and family stuff...and then her very next message was, "Saw the pictures of Eli's new house on Facebook. Does this mean he FINALLY ditched the roommate and got his own place?"

Sigh. Looks like I'll be explaining AGAIN about Violet.

And in this case, I don't think my friend is picking up on my inner fears or challenges. She knows nothing about Eli's house-buying process or where the new house is. She's just making an assumption about what she thinks Eli's next "life step" should be.

Do you need more RA/solo poly-friendly friends? Maybe, if you'd like to be able to process this stuff with friends without having to do so much explanatory ground work.

I would find it hard to maintain vulnerability, uncertainty and honesty with friends who were critical about basic structures relevant to a particular life decision.
Yes, I do feel like I need more/new friends. But I've felt that way for a few years now. The new people I've met are all Eli's friends. I meet new people through writing-related stuff, but it's hit or miss if they're poly/RA-friendly.

I hear that you want friendly companionship while you continue to relate with Eli and Eli's move and possibly other things in the future. It's nice to have friends that get you and that aren't hard work to get on the same page. Will a bit more sharing and possibly extra conversations be enough to get this companionship from your existing circle of friends?

I actually think, since it's all so new, you should focus on feeling what you do feel and seeing how things go with the commute and the spare room etc etc. And just be conscious that conversations with friends might unfortunately not be as simple as you had initially hoped or expected. Going with your life flow rather than pouring much or any conscious effort into "finding new friends" or "explaining things to existing friends". Processing with friends is a bit of an experiment for you, right? So keep doing it, if you feel like it, and see how that goes too.
This is good advice. Part of the problem is that I'm not seeing my friends in person because of COVID, so we are catching up sporadically and it's harder to talk.

And I think I'm just kind of lonely. I've had a hard year but I prioritized helping Eli because he was having a worse year (with his chronic pain and depression). Eli is usually the person I process decisions/feelings with, but when I have a challenge that's about him, I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. He's never been depressed before, so it's a big change.

I'd also like another partner, but have had no luck with online dating. Someone I thought was promising, and had been chatting with, seems to have petered out now. I am bummed. I am lonely! 2020 is no fun.

In general I feel like I spent this year prioritizing other people over myself, and it finally caught with me and I'm just tired. I spent the summer prioritizing helping my mom take care of my brother's kids (in our house), even reducing my work hours and taking a break from writing. Then I got laid off unexpectedly. In my last few weeks at my job, I prioritized helping my boss with the transition (the layoff wasn't her decision and she was even more upset than I was) instead of attending to myself. Then immediately after my last day, I spent several weeks helping Eli with moving instead of getting started on my job hunt/writing time/career change. (And meanwhile I also had to prioritize helping my mom care for my dad).

Now I'm exhausted, still unemployed, Eli is still inconveniently far away, and all my friends just want to make negative assumptions about Violet.

I need to focus on some "Meera time" and prioritize myself. But not sure what that even looks like right now?
 
In general I feel like I spent this year prioritizing other people over myself, and it finally caught with me and I'm just tired.

Now I'm exhausted, still unemployed, Eli is still inconveniently far away, and all my friends just want to make negative assumptions about Violet.

I need to focus on some "Meera time" and prioritize myself. But not sure what that even looks like right now?

At minimum? I'd suggest practicing "sacred no" and start telling anyone who wants help that you are not available for the rest of the year. You sound like you ned some rest, not more "projects."

She sent a long message about her unemployment struggles and family health stuff, and I was looking forward to chatting about MY unemployment struggles and family stuff...and then her very next message was, "Saw the pictures of Eli's new house on Facebook. Does this mean he FINALLY ditched the roommate and got his own place.

Sigh. Looks like I'll be explaining AGAIN about Violet.

Could stop explaining. Since this keeps coming back up even if you do explain? Could accept it's not "going in" at this time and just stop explaining to conserve energy.

Instead could just talk about what you want to talk about. Change the topic. Something like "Actually, I was looking forward to chatting about MY unemployment struggles and family stuff, not Eli's new house. Would you mind if we do that?" You could prioritize YOU.

What's friend gonna say? "No, don't tell me that" or similar? I mean, friend COULD say no, but if she does after unloading all her job and family stuff, it would be unlikely.

Start prioritizing you. Take up the space you do in the world.

Galagirl
 
I'd just leave Violet out of the picture completely when you tell the story. "Eli has a new house, which is huge and amazing and I'm so happy for him, but also feeling disappointed, because it's still a long drive, and just thinking forward to all the commuting makes me feel exhausted"... should do. Few people will focus on her if she's not part of the story... or?
 
So, a mildly amusing update. I had a conversation with my friend Marcy, the one who asked if Eli "had FINALLY ditched the roommate." I did want to address her comment directly, since he's not "ditching" Violet, she's his platonic nesting partner and they moved together! I was wondering if I had somehow given Marcy a negative impression of Violet (maybe just from complaining about the clutter in Eli's apartment since she moved in?) and felt like I should stick up for her.

Well, it turns out Marcy had no memory of me mentioning Violet specifically. She was misremembering Eli's previous string of terrible Craigslist roommates and assumed he was still living with one of them.

The conversation went well and Marcy wasn't judgmental or anything. And I had time to vent freely about everything else going in my life.

Marcy's also having a run of bad luck. She spent the year getting burnt out working 2 jobs, finally gave notice at one job, only for the other job to lay her off the VERY NEXT DAY. Then they let her keep her special back-support office chair, but she threw out her back getting the chair into her apartment! Seems like it's just that kind of year for everyone.

I'd just leave Violet out of the picture completely when you tell the story. "Eli has a new house, which is huge and amazing and I'm so happy for him, but also feeling disappointed, because it's still a long drive, and just thinking forward to all the commuting makes me feel exhausted"... should do. Few people will focus on her if she's not part of the story... or?

That's a good suggestion, Tinwen, but to me Violet is inherently part of the story of Eli's new house. He picked the only available house for sale with a mother-in-law apartment so Violet could have own space. But the trade-off is that it's not closer to me.

So, what I figured out in talking to Marcy is that I've been a little out of touch with my friends this year, and hadn't updated most of them on new developments in my life and Eli's life. Like, Eli and Violet becoming committed platonic nesting partners is a new development in the past year or year and a half. Some of my friends didn't know anything about it and were confused.

With the friend who was most judgmental, he's kind of a special case. He tends to make judgmental assumptions about EVERYTHING. Nothing particular to me. It's certainly a challenging friendship.
 
Wow. It HAS been that kind of year. So sorry to hear about all the things with Marcy's job and her back and all that.

So, what I figured out in talking to Marcy is that I've been a little out of touch with my friends this year, and hadn't updated most of them on new developments in my life and Eli's life. Like, Eli and Violet becoming committed platonic nesting partners is a new development in the past year or year and a half. Some of my friends didn't know anything about it and were confused.

Glad some clarity around that emerged.

Galagirl
 
Well. I located this thread form three years ago to read over what my thoughts had been at the time, and I think I'll resurrect it because boy do I have a terrible update.

TLDR: Eli's new house has turned out to be a disaster that has nearly destroyed our relationship, and may indeed ultimately result in us breaking up for sure.

Violet was weirdly territorial about the house. She wouldn't stay in her downstairs apartment but seemed to claim ownership over the whole house. She decorated every room and was mad she couldn't decorate my bedroom too. Eli was fine with all this at first, causing tensions with me that led us to try relationship therapy, but the therapist could not understand our alternative living & relationship styles.

In Feb 2021 I got a job at a university commuting distance from Eli's house (NOT commuting distance from my house 2 hours away), and while it is mostly remote, I do have to go to campus sometime. So I set up my bedroom at Eli's house for me to live there part-time, buying a custom-made bed to match my specially painted turquoise walls and moving in a lot of stuff, setting up a desk for remote work, etc. I was excited to be setting up a part-time life in Eli's house while still maintaining my independence at my own house (where I still spent 80% of my time) which gave Eli plenty of independence at his house for his own life and seeing other partners. I was excited about my career plans at the university and also started taking grad certificate courses to advance in a niche field there.

I thought this was a good arrangement but it somehow...didn't work. Eli and Violet had friends and guests over constantly, and wanted to play music constantly even when I was working. Both Eli and Violet kept wanting to use my room as a guest bedroom when I wasn't there, which frustrated me but we couldn't get anywhere in discussing it. Then my dad got sicker, had a hospitalization and needed 24/7 care thereafter, limiting my time at Eli's house.

Eli meanwhile got diagnosed with a chronic illness and seemingly leaned harder into socializing and recreational drugs. I struggled with this. I used to enjoy Eli's delightful extroverted behavior and his various parties for Halloween and New Year's, but now he was throwing parties I could not stand to be at due to the drug use (recreational, Burning-Man-type, drugs, not "hard" drugs if that makes sense; like pot and psychedelics mostly, but still not my thing). Plus instead of Eli going to the occasional kink party, he began hosting his own kink events in his home once a month...not my thing so I would always make my schedule to not be there during the parties, but that further limited my time there.

So we were starting to grow apart, but I was so consumed with caring for my father that I did not address it or maybe I thought it was a phase for him.

Then Violet had some sort of breakdown or something. She became erratic and depressed, refused to do any chores or cleaning at the house, but yelled at Eli for not cleaning constantly. She started dating a guy we all thought was a narcissist, causing her longtime boyfriend Red to break up with her. Then Eli figured out that Red had been the one making Violet a functional person--giving her rides (she can't drive), doing her dishes, keeping her in order. Violet and Eli started not getting along, to the point that Eli finally agreed that it was annoying that Violet spent all her time upstairs in the main house instead of in her large apartment downstairs. Violet was unemployed and paid no rent this whole time, further increasing tensions with Eli. Then Violet's narcissist boyfriend dumped her, and she had a full-on breakdown and had to be put on suicide watch.

Eli was both worried about her but also began complaining about how awful Violet is every day. It was hard for me to hear because of the tensions I'd had with Violet earlier that Eli had dismissed; now he was agreeing with me on the same issues, but I had a lot of upset feelings about it. Plus Violet was clearly struggling mentally.

Meanwhile, Eli's house had turned out to have serious problems and needed basically two years of massive construction and a second mortgage to resolve. Eli almost went broke and became completely consumed by his house problems. The main problem was finally and expensively fixed this spring, only for the heavy summer rains to cause massive flooding in the basement. Luckily Violet's unit wasn't damaged except for the kitchen...which she has always refused to use anyway.

Then Eli started dating someone (they/them) in a relationship that was never going well but that I had to hear about constantly. They wanted too much from him, they were emotionally unstable, they wouldn't stop crying when he scheduled a date with me and not them, etc. Eli spent a year dating them with constant drama before finding out they are an alcoholic, and then they had a suicide attempt, and Eli had to make the difficult decision to break up with them while helping them get into a treatment program.

Anyway. Finally this spring I had a blowup at Eli where I told him I couldn't stand being at his house--it was too chaotic, I couldn't write there, I couldn't stand hearing about Violet's drama, I couldn't deal with his dating drama, I couldn't stand all the pot smoke and all the pointless parties, it was too far from my parents while my dad was in and out of the hospital--and I was going to take a break from being there to deal with my own stuff for a couple months. (I had previously been spending one week every 4 or 5 weeks there, scheduling it carefully around my parents' needs and my work schedule, plus a weekend in between). I thought the break would be a good reset for us.

To be continued...
 
The next week, Eli started dating someone new (Zia) who he announced was "exactly what he'd been looking for all his life" and she would be moving in with him at his house in a couple months. I was...astonished and devastated, but Eli was completely unsympathetic.

I asked Eli if he wanted to break up with me; he said no, of course not, we are life partners! But he had no answer to how the logistics would work with his house--he has NEVER lived with a romantic partner before and we have NEVER done kitchen table poly, only parallel poly! Eli has also never gotten serious with any other partner in 12 years--so it was a big shift for me.

More on that in another thread. The same week Eli met Zia, my dad was again hospitalized and my mom and I finally made the decision to move him to a nursing home. We then spent the next 6 months getting my dad qualified for Medicaid (working with a lawyer, selling his vacation cabin, doing a spend-down, etc...it's a lot!). My mom basically had her own nervous breakdown, and then my brother dropped his kids off at our house for a month this summer, and did I mention I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet????

Eli was supportive and visited me at my house periodically, but I shut down and have not been able to have sex with him since he met Zia. We fought constantly and I felt like Eli was not the person I'd known for so long.

Last weekend we finally had a breakthrough--we realized we had been severely miscommunicating since he bought his house. I thought I was making a cool solo poly part-time life in my little bedroom at his house, like building a little alternative life with him, but that he wasn't being appreciative of all the effort I was going to. But he had NO idea I considered myself to be building a life with him--he thought I was just at his house because it was convenient for my job and that I didn't like anything about his life anymore. (Jeez, I applied to jobs NEAR his house to be with him!!!) We sobbed in each other's arms for hours when we realized we'd failed at communicating for almost 3 years now.

I'd like to think we have a way forward now, but we still don't know.

Eli let slip that Zia thinks I am totally incompatible with him. Which, yeah, we have spent 12 years in an "opposites attract" relationship and now may have grown apart beyond repair, but I don't appreciate my metamour of 6 months having an opinion on it. She is also 10 years younger than me and has failed at all her previous poly relationships...so, thanks for your opinion, kid!

The morning after our "breakthrough," my dad had a seizure and was put on hospice care. He did not wake up, and died one week later (2 days ago!) Ironically, he qualified for Medicaid only starting October 1 and he lived only for 8 days, after all that financial work we did.

Anyway. I am relieved my dad is at peace. I am not sure I have a life partner any more. I am not sure I want to be poly any more. What next?

Yes, I am seeking therapy of my own.
 
Hi Meera,

Thanks for posting that update. So sorry things have been so difficult during the last few years. I do think you and Eli have been growing apart, yes you have had some communication snags, but I think it's more than that. I think Violet has been a big part of the problem, and you've had your dad to care for. Sorry he passed away, I lost my father last year, it was hard to see him go but he was suffering and many rifts were mended with him before it was over. You may be relieved even while you are mourning, plus this is something that just happened, so it might be a shock to your system.

I just hope things get resolved in a way that gives you peace. If that means breaking up with Eli but staying friends, well so be it and if you can't stay friends, that's okay too. Right now you are trying to figure out whether you have to break up, and why such a disconnect grew between you. The house became the stage for the drama to ensue, but other things besides the house caused a problem. Zia certainly seems like a problem so far. Hopefully you will get some healing in therapy, it's definitely called for in this situation. Hang in there.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
What a long saga of stress and heartbreak. I am sorry you lost your dad, especially right after working so hard to get him qualified for Medicare.

I don't really understand every nuance of Eli, Violet and Zia and all the parties they just had to have the one week of the month you're there needing to work. You'd think Eli could take one week off and make the space more pleasant for you. I'm sure you also didn't agree ahead of time to let them use your room as a guest room! Ugh. I don't quite understand the disconnect of what he thought you were doing there and what you actually meant to be doing there, but I'm sorry you came to a belated understanding.

Violet seems to have gone round the bend.

My sympathies for your loss and all the other crazy stuff. I hope things settle down. You're strong, and somehow some way you'll survive and even again begin to thrive.
 
The next week, Eli started dating someone new (Zia) who he announced was "exactly what he'd been looking for all his life" and she would be moving in with him at his house in a couple months. I was...astonished and devastated, but Eli was completely unsympathetic.

I asked Eli if he wanted to break up with me; he said no, of course not, we are life partners! But he had no answer to how the logistics would work with his house--he has NEVER lived with a romantic partner before and we have NEVER done kitchen table poly, only parallel poly! Eli has also never gotten serious with any other partner in 12 years--so it was a big shift for me.

More on that in another thread. The same week Eli met Zia, my dad was again hospitalized and my mom and I finally made the decision to move him to a nursing home. We then spent the next 6 months getting my dad qualified for Medicaid (working with a lawyer, selling his vacation cabin, doing a spend-down, etc...it's a lot!). My mom basically had her own nervous breakdown, and then my brother dropped his kids off at our house for a month this summer, and did I mention I was working 3 jobs to make ends meet????

Eli was supportive and visited me at my house periodically, but I shut down and have not been able to have sex with him since he met Zia. We fought constantly and I felt like Eli was not the person I'd known for so long.

Last weekend we finally had a breakthrough--we realized we had been severely miscommunicating since he bought his house. I thought I was making a cool solo poly part-time life in my little bedroom at his house, like building a little alternative life with him, but that he wasn't being appreciative of all the effort I was going to. But he had NO idea I considered myself to be building a life with him--he thought I was just at his house because it was convenient for my job and that I didn't like anything about his life anymore. (Jeez, I applied to jobs NEAR his house to be with him!!!) We sobbed in each other's arms for hours when we realized we'd failed at communicating for almost 3 years now.

I'd like to think we have a way forward now, but we still don't know.

Eli let slip that Zia thinks I am totally incompatible with him. Which, yeah, we have spent 12 years in an "opposites attract" relationship and now may have grown apart beyond repair, but I don't appreciate my metamour of 6 months having an opinion on it. She is also 10 years younger than me and has failed at all her previous poly relationships...so, thanks for your opinion, kid!

The morning after our "breakthrough," my dad had a seizure and was put on hospice care. He did not wake up, and died one week later (2 days ago!) Ironically, he qualified for Medicaid only starting October 1 and he lived only for 8 days, after all that financial work we did.

Anyway. I am relieved my dad is at peace. I am not sure I have a life partner any more. I am not sure I want to be poly any more. What next?

Yes, I am seeking therapy of my own.
Oh my gush, Meera. Of course I read your story here after you reacted on mine yesterday. I am so sorry you are going through all this and I am very very sorry for the loss of your father. It is all so fresh and raw. You need time, and rest and nice friends and warm tea and hugs and cuddles and blankets candles music, anything that is soothing for you, around you right now. Take care, and hang in there, we'll probably meet here.
 
Thanks for reading. I am still trying to make sense of it. I am not quite understanding it myself.

On a positive note, Eli seems determined to work on things with me and sent me the most tender, loving card, explaining his feelings and repeating his dedication to remaining in a relationship with me, whatever form it takes. It was very sweet and I feel a lot better.

I think it would be easy to repair our miscommunication and figure out our future... if he hadn't already met Zia and moved her into his house.

I am going to try to be very parallel poly about her. No need to hear about her or discuss her.

For now, Eli is going to visit me at my house and I won't go to his house (except to move out my stuff when Zia is away next week). Not sure what I'll do about my job, other than make the long commute to campus when I need to go in. I have friends I can stay overnight with near my job if I need to.
 
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