How do I have a productive discussion with non-poly friends/family about a situation that is a little disappointing but is overall a good thing?
My partner Eli and I have always lived separately from each other and always will. Living apart works well for us--we would not be compatible living in the same house. I'm introverted and very happy doing solo poly, and Eli is extroverted and likes having his own space for seeing various partners as he pleases. We consider each other committed life partners despite keeping our living arrangements and finances separate. We've been together for almost 9 years.
The only thing that doesn't work well about our situation is that we live far apart from each other--between 1.5 to 2 hours depending on traffic, even 2.5 hours at rush hour. It's inconvenient and means we don't see each other on weekdays unless someone has the day off. (Our visits have also been more limited by the pandemic). But we were each quite happy with our own living situations--each conveniently close to our respective jobs, me in a large house where I can take care of my parents and enjoy the rural quiet, Eli in a city apartment near the subway and his large friend group, etc.
Eli always wanted to buy a house eventually, but Boston area prices are ridiculous. He assumed he couldn't buy without a partner with a second income (and he did potentially want a live-in romantic partner someday, but never clicked with anyone). In the past year, a bunch of things changed--he developed a platonic domestic partnership with his roommate/best friend Violet, he got a significant promotion & raise, and then COVID made living in a cramped city apartment absolutely terrible and pointless (while also causing lower interest rates/making more affordable mortgages).
So Eli was able to buy a house outside the city last month, on his income alone, in which Violet will also live (she will pay rent when she is able to--she is a performer and COVID completely destroyed all her income sources). This is a good living arrangement because Eli hates living alone, and Violet is a fantastic roommate for him. It's a bit unconventional--they are nesting partners but don't have sex--but it works for them, and doesn't bother me.
The only problem is, the location of the new house isn't any closer to me. That's where my disappointment comes in.
It's not exactly FARTHER away--the drive there will be on a less stressful highway with significantly less traffic. It actually does take about 10 minutes less for me to get there directly from my house (although it is about 5 miles farther if you count the exact mileage). So...I think it will overall be an improvement...but not much of one.
However, the distance is definitely balanced out by how large, cozy, and comfortable the new house is. I have my own room there! My own dedicated bedroom that is big enough for me to have space for writing and/or remote work! That means I can stay for longer visits. AND THERE ARE 3.5 BATHROOMS!! This is fantastic for me, after 9 years of there being someone else--roommates, Violet, Violet's boyfriend--in Eli's apartment bathroom EVERY time I needed to pee, LOL.
Plus, the house has a mother-in-law apartment, so Violet will have her own space. AND there's an extra guest bedroom (besides my bedroom) AND an office for Eli to work from home in. All in all, I don't think Eli could have found a more ideal house right now, for that price. And the location is quite good for him--on a quiet street with no close neighbors, not too far from his work if he ever needs to return to the office, in a town near his other friends, near Violet's primary boyfriend, etc.
Eli has also been dealing with chronic pain (probably an as-yet-undiagnosed autoimmune disorder) and has been depressed from pandemic-related isolation. So, those were factors in Eli's decision--which I supported--to jump on this particular house now rather than keep looking for one closer to me. He wants to be settled in and comfortable for what might be a long pandemic winter. I think it's the right decision, and will be good overall.
The other issue, for Eli, is that he dislikes all of the towns that are closer to me--and I can't blame him, they are basically suburban commuter hellscapes. He would be miserable there, and farther away from his other friends. And also, I ended up getting laid off unexpectedly--so I am actually quite relieved Eli didn't buy a house based on where I live/work, because I could up working a new job somewhere totally different (perhaps even closer to the new house).
But it HAS been a struggle for me. Initially (over the summer) I was upset at Eli's house-hunting process. I couldn't join him in looking at houses because of COVID, and I felt like he and Violet were rushing ahead without considering me. I was upset that they were looking at houses north of Boston, when I live much farther south. But this was resolved when he found a house big enough for me to have my own room there--I got on board with being excited about the house.
So, Eli and Violet moved last week, and last weekend was the first time I drove directly to the new house--and I realized that the drive is longer than I expected. So I'm back to feeling...disappointed and a little frustrated. But there's nothing I can do...the house is where it is. I'll get over it.
Longer term, I could potentially relocate closer to Eli's new house. But that would YEARS from now (when I'm not taking care of my parents). My dad has Parkinson's and has been doing worse lately, so I'm stressed about that too...
Okay, so I've diverged a lot from my original question. I'm processing my feelings about the new house situation (on top of being laid off and watching my father decline). I do THINK I am overall happy with Eli's new house--but then when I mention where the new house is, I've been getting VERY negative reactions from friends and family (who are not poly or unconventional/alternative). Which is making me feel worse.
Like, a good friend of mine gave a shocked gasp and said, "So Eli really doesn't want to live closer to you, does he?" Other friends who I thought understood that I really don't want to live with a partner, made comments like "I guess you really won't ever live with him, then" in disappointed tones. Even my mom, who knows and likes Eli, and appreciates that I am continuing to care for her and my dad, keeps harping on about the distance to the new house and how it's "too bad" Eli couldn't have moved closer. My mom and my friends also all made negative or disdainful comments about Violet, too.
With all of these people, I ended up going into the long story of all the specifics on why I supported Eli getting this house and why it will overall be fine. But obviously I can't hide my disappointment and how I think this is Not Ideal, but was the best option available. The conversations ended awkwardly, with my friends clearly feeling sorry for me instead of being encouraging.
Their reactions are quite different to other disappointments in my life. Like, these same people were appropriately sympathetic about my layoff and appropriately encouraging about my job hunt and my specific career plans. But with the house situation, they seem to really want to lay negative blame on Eli and Violet. None of them have met Violet, and I think they really don't understand the relationship anarchy aspect--that Eli has a platonic nesting partner and I am perfectly comfortable with this. (I consider Violet a platonic metamour).
So I find myself defending the alternative/relationship anarchy aspects of the situation, and minimizing the fact that I really am sad about how the logistics are working out with the house's location. I'd really like a friend who could be encouraging and enthusiastic. Is there a way I can re-frame this?
Or should I just keep processing on my own until I genuinely feel more positive about it myself? Or seek out more poly/RA friends who can at least understand that I am genuinely happy that Eli has a platonic domestic partner, so that that aspect doesn't derail a discussion about the house? Or...?
My partner Eli and I have always lived separately from each other and always will. Living apart works well for us--we would not be compatible living in the same house. I'm introverted and very happy doing solo poly, and Eli is extroverted and likes having his own space for seeing various partners as he pleases. We consider each other committed life partners despite keeping our living arrangements and finances separate. We've been together for almost 9 years.
The only thing that doesn't work well about our situation is that we live far apart from each other--between 1.5 to 2 hours depending on traffic, even 2.5 hours at rush hour. It's inconvenient and means we don't see each other on weekdays unless someone has the day off. (Our visits have also been more limited by the pandemic). But we were each quite happy with our own living situations--each conveniently close to our respective jobs, me in a large house where I can take care of my parents and enjoy the rural quiet, Eli in a city apartment near the subway and his large friend group, etc.
Eli always wanted to buy a house eventually, but Boston area prices are ridiculous. He assumed he couldn't buy without a partner with a second income (and he did potentially want a live-in romantic partner someday, but never clicked with anyone). In the past year, a bunch of things changed--he developed a platonic domestic partnership with his roommate/best friend Violet, he got a significant promotion & raise, and then COVID made living in a cramped city apartment absolutely terrible and pointless (while also causing lower interest rates/making more affordable mortgages).
So Eli was able to buy a house outside the city last month, on his income alone, in which Violet will also live (she will pay rent when she is able to--she is a performer and COVID completely destroyed all her income sources). This is a good living arrangement because Eli hates living alone, and Violet is a fantastic roommate for him. It's a bit unconventional--they are nesting partners but don't have sex--but it works for them, and doesn't bother me.
The only problem is, the location of the new house isn't any closer to me. That's where my disappointment comes in.
It's not exactly FARTHER away--the drive there will be on a less stressful highway with significantly less traffic. It actually does take about 10 minutes less for me to get there directly from my house (although it is about 5 miles farther if you count the exact mileage). So...I think it will overall be an improvement...but not much of one.
However, the distance is definitely balanced out by how large, cozy, and comfortable the new house is. I have my own room there! My own dedicated bedroom that is big enough for me to have space for writing and/or remote work! That means I can stay for longer visits. AND THERE ARE 3.5 BATHROOMS!! This is fantastic for me, after 9 years of there being someone else--roommates, Violet, Violet's boyfriend--in Eli's apartment bathroom EVERY time I needed to pee, LOL.
Plus, the house has a mother-in-law apartment, so Violet will have her own space. AND there's an extra guest bedroom (besides my bedroom) AND an office for Eli to work from home in. All in all, I don't think Eli could have found a more ideal house right now, for that price. And the location is quite good for him--on a quiet street with no close neighbors, not too far from his work if he ever needs to return to the office, in a town near his other friends, near Violet's primary boyfriend, etc.
Eli has also been dealing with chronic pain (probably an as-yet-undiagnosed autoimmune disorder) and has been depressed from pandemic-related isolation. So, those were factors in Eli's decision--which I supported--to jump on this particular house now rather than keep looking for one closer to me. He wants to be settled in and comfortable for what might be a long pandemic winter. I think it's the right decision, and will be good overall.
The other issue, for Eli, is that he dislikes all of the towns that are closer to me--and I can't blame him, they are basically suburban commuter hellscapes. He would be miserable there, and farther away from his other friends. And also, I ended up getting laid off unexpectedly--so I am actually quite relieved Eli didn't buy a house based on where I live/work, because I could up working a new job somewhere totally different (perhaps even closer to the new house).
But it HAS been a struggle for me. Initially (over the summer) I was upset at Eli's house-hunting process. I couldn't join him in looking at houses because of COVID, and I felt like he and Violet were rushing ahead without considering me. I was upset that they were looking at houses north of Boston, when I live much farther south. But this was resolved when he found a house big enough for me to have my own room there--I got on board with being excited about the house.
So, Eli and Violet moved last week, and last weekend was the first time I drove directly to the new house--and I realized that the drive is longer than I expected. So I'm back to feeling...disappointed and a little frustrated. But there's nothing I can do...the house is where it is. I'll get over it.
Longer term, I could potentially relocate closer to Eli's new house. But that would YEARS from now (when I'm not taking care of my parents). My dad has Parkinson's and has been doing worse lately, so I'm stressed about that too...
Okay, so I've diverged a lot from my original question. I'm processing my feelings about the new house situation (on top of being laid off and watching my father decline). I do THINK I am overall happy with Eli's new house--but then when I mention where the new house is, I've been getting VERY negative reactions from friends and family (who are not poly or unconventional/alternative). Which is making me feel worse.
Like, a good friend of mine gave a shocked gasp and said, "So Eli really doesn't want to live closer to you, does he?" Other friends who I thought understood that I really don't want to live with a partner, made comments like "I guess you really won't ever live with him, then" in disappointed tones. Even my mom, who knows and likes Eli, and appreciates that I am continuing to care for her and my dad, keeps harping on about the distance to the new house and how it's "too bad" Eli couldn't have moved closer. My mom and my friends also all made negative or disdainful comments about Violet, too.
With all of these people, I ended up going into the long story of all the specifics on why I supported Eli getting this house and why it will overall be fine. But obviously I can't hide my disappointment and how I think this is Not Ideal, but was the best option available. The conversations ended awkwardly, with my friends clearly feeling sorry for me instead of being encouraging.
Their reactions are quite different to other disappointments in my life. Like, these same people were appropriately sympathetic about my layoff and appropriately encouraging about my job hunt and my specific career plans. But with the house situation, they seem to really want to lay negative blame on Eli and Violet. None of them have met Violet, and I think they really don't understand the relationship anarchy aspect--that Eli has a platonic nesting partner and I am perfectly comfortable with this. (I consider Violet a platonic metamour).
So I find myself defending the alternative/relationship anarchy aspects of the situation, and minimizing the fact that I really am sad about how the logistics are working out with the house's location. I'd really like a friend who could be encouraging and enthusiastic. Is there a way I can re-frame this?
Or should I just keep processing on my own until I genuinely feel more positive about it myself? Or seek out more poly/RA friends who can at least understand that I am genuinely happy that Eli has a platonic domestic partner, so that that aspect doesn't derail a discussion about the house? Or...?