Getting through the low times

Token2

Member
I found myself open to poly because -amongst other reasons - having a boyfriend and a husband was bringing all kinds of fun distractions to what can sometimes be a heavy 1st world life (really my life is ok, there's just stuff)...

Anyway hubby has health issues suddenly as does boyfriend, so suddenly all the playful sexy stuff has slowed right down.

Also covid is flaring up in our part of the world, we may be heading into a lockdown stopping us from physically connecting.

Boyfriend has had physical pain connected to his health issues and it feels like the NRE is waning but I think it's the physical distance between us and the actual discomfort he is living with.

I find myself feeling blue, and a little woe is me, why don't they want me... (although hubby is still up for sex he's just a bit low energy due to pills they're giving him for his heart).

Just wondering how others manage taking the good times with the bad. Boyfriend is not a good communicator, which doesn't help...
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
It sucks not being able to have the quantity or quality of sex with other people you want. I empathise, a lot.

How do I get through the low times? Sometimes I cry it out, sometimes I consider finding another partner, but mostly I just get really good at having sex with myself. I don't have the biggest toy kit, but I use what I've got effectively. I still get the emotional lows of the sense of not really being wanted, but these tend to only come in waves now and then and I remind myself that any feeling I have is temporary, I can get through those feelings. I can't manage them, but I can manage me, especially with a little metacognition.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Token,

Sorry you are going through some yucky times. I think gratitude is the key. Make a list of all the things you are thankful for. You will feel better, and you will attract more gratitude-inducing situations. Hang in there!

Regards,
Kevin T.
 

Token2

Member
Thanks Kevin and Evie

I'm trying too to have more empathy and sit in the space of caring rather than receiving.

Boyfriend had a cancer scare about a month ago, he was clearly really worried (as he is the sole carer for his kids) and he leaned on me a bit and really took the emotional comfort I offered.

Then as he got an all-clear of sorts (they're watching but not worried) my husband has been diagnosed with what untreated could become heart failure. I get the feeling boyfriend started giving us space because he felt it was the right thing to do where actually hubby and I didn't require it...

Then within a week of being cleared for cancer boyfriend's had a weird knee injury come out of nowhere - and he's a keen surfer, it must be devastating for him, the fear of not ever surfing would be up there with fear of cancer, it's his passion. But this time, I think because of hubby's heart, he's stepping away instead of leaning in.

Boyfriend should know what is wrong within the week and hubby will have a clear treatment path within 3 weeks. Hopefully life for both of them (& me) will feel clearer and lighter soon.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
It's unfortunate that many people, men especially, retreat when they are injured or ill. They are taught that illness is weakness, and should be hidden as much as possible.

I feel for your bf who loves to surf! I LOVE to swim, I always have, and it was a great exercise for me these days as an older person. But almost 2 years ago I developed shoulder pain, and with Covid I am only now able to address it. Of course, my gym closed for a while anyway, or had very limited access (and no jacuzzi! Talk about first world problems, huh?). So now I've got arthritis and bone spurs in my probably overworked shoulder. Ugh. Getting older sucks sometimes. I am hoping PT helps, and maybe it will help your bf too. I hope you can let him know that it's OK to lean in, not retreat, and that he will agree to do that!
 

Marcus

Well-known member
How do I get through the low times? Sometimes I cry it out, sometimes I consider finding another partner, but mostly I just get really good at having sex with myself.

That's some stellar advice right there. One of the best things we can do for our relationships is to learn to take care of ourselves and live our lives without guidance or acceptance from other people. It's a tall order and I don't think any of us can really achieve it, but as guide posts go I would say this one should be on everyone's radar.
 

Token2

Member
A little bit of an update.

We're going through lockdowns and strict border controls. My last quality encounter with the boyfriend was 6 weeks ago, we'd briefly caught up once a week in July for a chat, always with his kids around (so acting like friends)...

We had a brief lift of lockdowns, on Monday, which was literally a tiny window where I was allowed to cross the border just as his lockdown lifted and ours kicked in.

We spent a little over an hour grabbing a bite and catching up. My feeling was 'he's run out of gas'. The energy was so low it was non-existent. I got his eyes to light up 3 times but it was a chore, and I'm now very wary of letting my sparkle be at risk of being worn down. I stole kisses, but they lacked something...

We briefly discussed polyamory for the 1st time, it was in terms of if my husband got a girlfriend. He said 'what's that called? There's got to be a name for that' - and I said yes, polyamory, and dived a bit deeper in terms of my own experience opening to it with him (1 of the times his eyes lit up)....

If we didn't have the powers that be literally keeping us apart I would simply book in a hotel night to see how we're gelling, to talk more. But we can't on text or the phone he's not good with opening up.

So yeah. Tough times will continue to roll. He still can't properly surf and may never be able to like he did again - I think this has sparked real depression. He's not letting me in and distance/covid means I can't hug my way in there like I might usually be able to.

Hubby gets his heart plan next week. He's a little brighter than he was a month ago.

All of that before I even touch on how life's been a little rough on me lately, which has hardened me a little to the boyfriend as I would have liked to see him have a little more capacity to be there for me.

Hubby has made the point that with all the lockdowns, border restrictions etc there is no rush to end or push anything because we're kind of on pause.

Anyway I am making time to meditate, get aware of my motivations, self love physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can try to be there for boyfriend but if he stays in his low energy while I'm staying supportive and open I'll need to leave him down there.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sorry to hear things aren't going too well (other than maybe with husband). I think your boyfriend will, to a large extent, have to figure out for himself how he's going to get through these rough times. He may have to go through a grieving process over his lost surfing, and that may take some time. Hang in there, and take care of yourself as best you can.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
So yeah. Tough times will continue to roll. He still can't properly surf and may never be able to like he did again - I think this has sparked real depression. He's not letting me in and distance/covid means I can't hug my way in there like I might usually be able to.

Hubby gets his heart plan next week. He's a little brighter than he was a month ago.

All of that before I even touch on how life's been a little rough on me lately, which has hardened me a little to the boyfriend as I would have liked to see him have a little more capacity to be there for me.

Hubby has made the point that with all the lockdowns, border restrictions etc there is no rush to end or push anything because we're kind of on pause.

Anyway I am making time to meditate, get aware of my motivations, self love physically, emotionally and spiritually. I can try to be there for boyfriend but if he stays in his low energy while I'm staying supportive and open I'll need to leave him down there.


I am so sorry to hear that things are not going very well. In times like these, I try to be kind to myself and others. And above all, try and remember this, even the fiercest storms eventually run out of steam. Mind you, there may be clean up involved, but it can't rain every day.

I wish for you peace and joy.
 

MtnPolyLoversX2

New member
I don’t know where you’re from but Covid is quickly sweeping through the USA I do believe lock downs are coming again sooner than later and it’s already putting relationships, partnerships and friendships to the test . Unfortunately I think people are mentally preparing themselves for what’s to come by distancing themselves from their friends partners and family, forget dating and meeting up with new people that’s almost non existent in my part . Add in being a single male and well you better already be use to “social distancing”

I hope you all can work thorough these rough times but this is also a time of , hate to say it. Survival of the fittest and taking care of yourselves first . It will all come together again when the storm passes
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
I don’t know where you’re from but Covid is quickly sweeping through the USA I do believe lock downs are coming again sooner than later and it’s already putting relationships, partnerships and friendships to the test . Unfortunately I think people are mentally preparing themselves for what’s to come by distancing themselves from their friends partners and family, forget dating and meeting up with new people that’s almost non existent in my part .

I went to an outdoor party of 100 people in Central Park yesterday, most of whom were all new to each other. It was glorious and joyful. No grim lockdown talk or suspicious distancing. The Park itself was teeming with life, all manner of humans and animals enjoying the balmy summer day. Life is what you tune into. I dunno, if all of this "life of the lonely single guy" stuff isn't working for you, perhaps get a new narrative and hang around people who are living what you want.
 

tdh

Active member
@FallenAngelina have had similar experience to you at outdoor music events recently; however, life where I live in the US is vastly different then even folks in the same state. Lucky enough to live in an area with a high vaccination rate, low new cases, low hosiplication and the detla seems to be getting the folks not vaccinated vaccinated. However, friends in low vaccination rates are not have the same experience and some are deathly (actual not figurative) afraid to attend any social event due the unknown status of the people there.

It is a all about trade-offs to help balance all the healths: mental, physical, social, romantic, etc etc

@MtnPolyLoversX2 might want to consider seeing how you can balance your needs vs the scariness of the world out there but that could also be a bit of the grief cycle of losing your relationship(s) talking. It might be worth talking to someone about.
 

Token2

Member
Another update - my last post in mid-August was the last time I had seen the boyfriend.

Communication between us has been patchy, I had a really rough time for a few weeks with my immediate family overseas catching covid, financial issues as work dried up with the lockdowns here and more.

This all made his lack of communication and our disintegrating connection a real turn off for me - so I started to distance too, because it felt like death by a thousand cuts.

About a month ago the restrictions in our state loosened a little bit and I had a chance to connect casually with a really nice guy, 20 years younger than the boyfriend, extremely fit, lots going for him, we'll definitely reconnect but not for anything serious but it made me stop for a minute and think...

- We're only just beginning to see the spread of covid here, because we have someone high risk in our family it's going to be a while before I can actively seek a new relationship.

- My husband and I have always with kindness described the boyfriend as my practice boyfriend. Someone to feel out dynamics with, someone we know is at his heart a sweet guy and someone we both respect and care for. I've been learning so much about myself through our ups and downs and processing some very old dating baggage/patterns...

Me withdrawing from our very stunted communication caused the boyfriend to comment on how quiet I've been and I explained I couldn't really keep turning up for someone who didn't seem invested at all.

(I had to pretty much explain polyamory to him a while back and my husband has always said the boyfriend is a very simple guy and the concept is a bit too complex/out of the ordinary for him and so he's unable to really see us as anything real or with a future. I get this).

Anyway through email and text the boyfriend and I worked through a few things and then added a dynamic we don't usually do - phone calls. Clearly we should have maybe just been scheduling a quality call way earlier because it's brought us back to connection.

I can see he doesn't want to lose me he's just still in his limbo, external forces have complicated something that was fun and simple.

We actually got to see eachother for 3 hours yesterday, his cancer scare is maybe about to turn into cancer confirmation and if not there's a mystery reason he's severely anaemic. Having suffered from anaemia in the past I know I need to factor lack of energy and zest for life into reasons for us to have flattened...

It's HIGHLY likely his cancer scare has given him reason to be more open to/with me. I was initially a bit jaded feeling like I'm only wanted when he actually needs support but he's the kind of person who withdraws into himself so I am happy to be there for him - even though with covid I probably can't as much as or in the way I'd like.

We hadn't seen eachother for 8 weeks, hadn't had sex for 12 and hadn't had a quality night together for 14. I had thought with all the poor communication etc maybe he'd been seeing someone but it's clear it's all health, prioritising the kids and work. He's told me a few times that there is no-one else when it's not a question I ask.

I told him even if he feels we've only been apart for 8 weeks it felt more like 12 to 14 to me. I have been grieving our passion (NRE) as although we've been sleeping together for 2+ years now we only had 10 good weeks of boyfriend status before life got hard.

My feelings right now are that relationships are about going through the good AND the bad. He's first and foremost a friend I love deeply and as long as we can communicate properly (phone calls if need be) I can set aside my curiosity for experiencing romance and passion.

If it's cancer he and his kids will need as much love and support as they can get and if it's an anaemic mystery then we'll have to see what that means in the long run for us as romance and passion are on my long-term agenda...
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Thanks for that update Token, it sounds like you and your boyfriend are finally connecting a little over the phone. His health issues sound pretty scary, I hope he is able to get through them okay.
 

Token2

Member
Kicking some life into this thread because I'm feeling really blue and just need to tell someone besides my partner...

So the boyfriend still doesn't have a confirmed cancer diagnosis but if it's there it's prostate cancer, biopsy scheduled for 2 weeks time.

There's not really any good news for Prostate Cancer survivors, some treatments cause permanent erectile dysfunction, others loss of continence, a mix of both but not forever.

I can only imagine how hard it must be for a very sexual man (or any man) to face the prospect.

It's still not confirmed but the markers are there and 1 in 7 men get it so the odds aren't great.

The boyfriend was burying it all ok but I'm going overseas right when he gets the biopsy and then a few weeks later the results so I felt compelled to let him know I'd be there for him just not physically and we don't have the relationship where I would go to the appointments anyway.

I think bringing it up has kicked off depression for him or maybe it was quietly there but he feels he can show me. But that's making me feel really sad too.

He says his sex drive has completely disappeared (I wonder if besides being totally normal when depressed it's a mechanism to be ready to cope if it's bad news). But I guess I'm mourning the potential loss of our amazing sex life too. After all I'm the only other person in the world who gets as much joy from his elections as he does :)

If it is the worst scenarios I'm 100% putting sexual rehabilitation on the table for him with me. He's not my only sexual partner so there's not the pressure that might be there for monogamous couples, I'm GGG, and believe sexuality and eroticism are way more than penetrative sex.

But there might really be months and months - if - it's the diagnosis/treatment - before he even wants to rehabilitate. But yes right now a hypothesis, but also he rents and will need to find a new home in the middle of a huge housing crisis so there's more pressure (Single Dad, 3 kids).

The biopsy alone is supposed to cause 4 to 6 weeks of fatigue. Which is pretty much the time I'm away...

Our whole thing has been a slow burn, where everytime we find our groove something external (or in this case internal) but out of our control knocks us off balance and here we are again...

I'm going to check in regularly, be there as much as possible however I can but focus on myself during my trip. We seem to communicate a bit better when I'm away because he's interested in where I am (historical towns) and I have more free time to call...

Feel a little better just writing this out.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Token,

Thanks for that update, I am sorry you are feeling blue. I hope your boyfriend's biopsy comes up negative, or at least, if it's positive, I hope it's treatable (and that the treatment won't result in any side effects). I'm sorry he is experiencing some depression. You both are mourning his loss of sex drive; I can only hope it returns eventually. He is dealing with a lot of pressures right now, and I'm sure that's stressful for you too.

Hang in there,
Kevin T.
 
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