Girlfriend wants to take a break for 6 months.

[townie1221]

Hey all, first post to these forums but I found them as I was Googling around about poly relationship advice and "breaks" so figured I would ask for a little input here.


Couple both in our 30s

So I got home from a trip over the past few days and when I left I could tell something was wrong, i've been able to tell for some time now that things are not as they used to be. No "I love you" said back, not wanting to be touched too much..but there is also still some intimacy (kissing, hugging, leaning on each other)

So I asked outright if there was something wrong and I was told they needed a break for some months, 6 probably to just get themselves back in control of their own head. They've been struggling with a lot of things and feel like they are flying towards a cliff at 80mph and need to yank the steering wheel back.

At first I was pretty upset by that obviously, I love this woman and felt very betrayed and hurt but i'm an adult and so we sat down and talked a lot more about it. It turns out she has felt this before, a lot of things coming to ahead and having to wrestle with them and it took her some time to just get back to being herself again. I get that, and I also understand that i've been smothering in some ways and she lacks space and alone time. I like doing things with her, so anytime I find a fun activity I want to include her in with it..but that means that I eat up all of her weekend, and since we live together she has to see me even when she comes home from work and needs to decompress and just relax. I don't immediately jump on her, but just being in the same small apartment is enough for her to not be able to just chill out 100%.



So yeah i'm struggling with my feelings over the whole thing, I expressed my concerns to her and told her that I wanted her to be in my life but i'm also willing to give her that space and break to reset herself. She's also never been in a relationship as long as we have (4 yrs) so she was concerned that she wasn't the same person as she used to be, but felt she needed to be that person still with me and I told her that, from my own long term relationships, i've learned that isn't at all possible. People change, even over 4yrs, and you need to re-evaluate your love for that person every now and then, maybe you find new things you love about them...but you miss some of the old stuff. If there's enough still there then you continue on with that love, if there's nothing there anymore...well then it's time to part ways. That's jut how life is.



I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I need to work on myself as well and get more independence for myself and better me. So I told her even after 6 months, if she doesn't want to see me again then that will hurt...but I would rather it be that way, then her go careening off that edge. I know the typical response is "Well she's just gonna go sleep with other people" but she told me she has no sexual appetite for anyone, even me...which is concerning to her in general and also I entered this relationship as a poly relationship. I've dealt with the jealousy that she might go sleep with another guy and worked through that, it upsets me but I knew that coming in.

 

[Vicki82]

So is this poly related, or more about issues in your own relationship?

I don't know. I'm sure it works for some people, but I'm firmly in the camp that if there's a break, then for me it is over. I don't want to be strung along while someone tries to figure themselves out and then maybe we can pick back up again. That's too emotionally damaging for me. I would prefer a clean break. If at some point in the future both of us are interested in starting up again, then we can reevaluate things then. But I'm not going to hang around and wait for 6 months to see what might happen.

 

[townie1221]

So is this poly related, or more about issues in your own relationship?

I don't know. I'm sure it works for some people, but I'm firmly in the camp that if there's a break, then for me it is over. I don't want to be strung along while someone tries to figure themselves out and then maybe we can pick back up again. That's too emotionally damaging for me. I would prefer a clean break. If at some point in the future both of us are interested in starting up again, then we can reevaluate things then. But I'm not going to hang around and wait for 6 months to see what might happen.

Well it's not a poly thing in the sense that she has any issues with other partners or I do, which is starting the break.

What is beginning this break is that she's recognizing signs of self destruction and depression that she's seen before and wants to cut it off before it happens again to her. I can tell she's been very depressed in the past few months and her telling me she feels "dead inside" to everything is a huge warning sign about the depression, as I have been there before.

She's very type A though, so getting help from pills or therapy are not what she wants, she wants to fight it herself and that means putting me on the sidelines for 6 months while she gets everything under control.

I spoke to her and laid it out that, while I wouldn't just be waiting around for 6months I do still want to see this relationship keep going. She hasn't fallen "out of love" with me that she can feel, she just can't feel anything at all. that includes the want to see other people or have any other partners at all...so I don't think it's just a me/her thing.

She's also not the manipulative type, she'll speak her mind (Type A personality again) so if she wanted to just cut it off 100% and toss it to the wind, then she would, i'm almost positive about that.

The clutch is that she's moving across the country and I had planned to go out there as well..and still do though it's now 85% instead of 100%. I planned on working on myself anyways and had hoped to keep seeing each other on weekends and have the weekdays to ourselves but now i'm not 100% sure.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am sorry your gf is ill and you are getting boosted out while she attempts to bootstrap herself.

I would find that frustrating, but then... I did put up with it for a long time from my ex husband. We even went to couples and individual therapy over the years, several year long sessions with several therapists, but they never did much for his coping skills.

When an antidepressant was recommended for him, he outright refused. We even tried homeopathy. Our skilled homeopath spent hours researching his symptoms to come up with the right remedy. When she finally had it in hand to give to him, he refused it.

It was so annoying.

We finally divorced and it was mainly because of his depression and low self esteem.

I'm glad your gf has the sense to not expect you to nurture her as her brain chemistry makes her miserable.

 

[townie1221]

I am sorry your gf is ill and you are getting boosted out while she attempts to bootstrap herself.

I would find that frustrating, but then... I did put up with it for a long time from my ex husband. We even went to couples and individual therapy over the years, several year long sessions with several therapists, but they never did much for his coping skills.

When an antidepressant was recommended for him, he outright refused. We even tried homeopathy. Our skilled homeopath spent hours researching his symptoms to come up with the right remedy. When she finally had it in hand to give to him, he refused it.

It was so annoying.

We finally divorced and it was mainly because of his depression and low self esteem.

I'm glad your gf has the sense to not expect you to nurture her as her brain chemistry makes her miserable.

Yeah, I have suffered a lot in depression and also at times pushed away help in terms of medication and tried to wrestle it myself.

She said she has had this happen before, at least recognizes the tell of it and wants to face it head-on before it just blows up in her face and threatens her career and life, which I respect 100%.

I hate not being able to be there for her though and being tossed to the sidelines, unsure what that will mean for the two of us in 6 months time. I'll have to make the best of it though, go about my life and fix some of my own personal hangups and issues and just hope that 6 months down the road we do get back together and keep things going.

At least with the poly background to it all, the anxiety and fear of her "cheating" on me while on break doesn't really matter to me. I don't want to lose her but i'm not afraid of losing her to someone else or anything akin to that.

 

[Evie]

I took a break from living with Adam; we were living apart when I joined this board. It wasn't much to do with him (although he was bearing the brunt of my misery and retaliating at times) but I was very unhappy in the town we were living in and especially the apartment we'd moved into, so I'd begun spiralling into depression myself. So - with talks and planning - I drove north for Winter (north is warmer where I live). I was originally going go back south in Spring, but I got a job up north and stayed there. He eventually joined me.

We don't ever want to do 9 months apart again, and unless one of us will be leaving the country we aim for no more than 10 nights apart (he travels quite a lot). But when he's gone, I enjoy regaining that self-reliance. I absolutely would take another longer break again if I needed to regain my equilibrium. Admittedly, Adam and I spoke most days, it wasn't an actual full relationship break, but I also really found my feet again.

I'd probably quite enjoy living separately but near enough that we could date. For a while, anyway. I like many parts of cohabitation, too, but I like it better when it's a conscious choice and not just adhering to the norm.

 

[GalaGirl]

I am sorry you struggle.

I like doing things with her, so anytime I find a fun activity I want to include her in with it..but that means that I eat up all of her weekend, and since we live together she has to see me even when she comes home from work and needs to decompress and just relax.

She is not able to say "Thanks, hon. But no. I don't want to do that" and take responsibility for her own time management?

Cuz my spouse asks me to things. Some I say yes. Some I don't want to or I am too tired to deal in. That's just life. And I'm not gonna overextend myself and wear me out.

I don't immediately jump on her, but just being in the same small apartment is enough for her to not be able to just chill out 100%.

Could it work out better if you guys had separate apartments? Then you each have your own space. If she's moving away, maybe not follow her out there. Do the LDR thing.

Or of you go out there, go out there but land in your own apartment over there, and her in her own apartment over there. Rather than both in the same one.

She's also never been in a relationship as long as we have (4 yrs) so she was concerned that she wasn't the same person as she used to be, but felt she needed to be that person still with me

Why is she not willing to be her authentic CURRENT self at all times?

Why is she going around like putting on a front to be the "old her" around you if that's just not who she is any more?

That is not being honest or authentic in this relationship.

I know she's got depression that she wants to try solving on her own without meds or therapy. And that is her choice.

But you could take the break time to decide if you want to date someone who chooses that path. Because their depression affects you too if you are dating them.

I told her that, from my own long term relationships, i've learned that isn't at all possible. People change, even over 4yrs, and you need to re-evaluate your love for that person every now and then, maybe you find new things you love about them...but you miss some of the old stuff. If there's enough still there then you continue on with that love, if there's nothing there anymore...well then it's time to part ways. That's jut how life is.

Exactly. Not everyone you date is gonna be a super long haul runner.

I like the John Cleese quote about all relationships coming with a clock attached. They last however long it lasts.

Some go longer than others. That is just life.

So... this "taking a break" thing? If really what it needs to be is a plain break up? Just plain break up.

If it's taking a break to contemplate the future of this relationship? Consider doing it living in separate homes to see if that alleviates some pressure. And decide if 6 mos break is too long a period. Maybe 3 mos? Maybe 12. Whatever it is.

Maybe 3 mos no contact, then 3 mos only phone contact, then 3 months seeing other once a semester, then 3 months seeing each other more than that? Like a trial period overall of 12 mos, but with some "stair steps?"

If/when you ask her out to things, expect her to actually think about it and give an HONEST answer. Not just "going through the motions" and later being grumpy. Or if this is a break where you do not see each other at all during the separation period you agreed on? Just don't see each other then.

Do the separation break to contemplate. Then check in after 6 mos. If it is working out better to date from separate homes? Carry on because the move solved the pressure.

If it needs to be a break up? End it. And you already live apart anyway.

I don't know if it's the right thing to do, but I need to work on myself as well and get more independence for myself and better me. So I told her even after 6 months, if she doesn't want to see me again then that will hurt...but I would rather it be that way, then her go careening off that edge.

I think maybe your own living space may help you have YOUR space too. For working on yourself and so on.

I think you are being fair and realistic. You want to see her. But she has to make up her mind if she wants to keep seeing you. 6 months taking a break, and then an answer please. But if she is being all wishy-washy after 6 mos break maybe YOU just end it. Because that's not fair to YOU. You have your own life to be living. Can't be "living on pause" forever.

I know the typical response is "Well she's just gonna go sleep with other people" but she told me she has no sexual appetite for anyone, even me...which is concerning to her in general and also I entered this relationship as a poly relationship.

So? If the current agreement is poly relationship? And you guys are on break? That doesn't mean you have to stop seeing other people. And she can see other people too.

I've dealt with the jealousy that she might go sleep with another guy and worked through that, it upsets me but I knew that coming in.

Good. You have done the work.

So this is basically about determining these toggles.

• We are/are not good as roomies living together.
  
• We are/are not good as romantic dating partners.

Galagirl

 

[townie1221]

I am sorry you struggle.

She is not able to say "Thanks, hon. But no. I don't want to do that" and take responsibility for her own time management?

Cuz my spouse asks me to things. Some I say yes. Some I don't want to or I am too tired to deal in. That's just life. And I'm not gonna overextend myself and wear me out.

She told me she felt bad if she were to just leave me at home alone, where I'll usually play some games and have a few drinks, but when she comes home it had looked like I was just drinking in self pity to her. We talked about that though and I told her that to me, if left alone I would rather just boot up a video game and grab a drink and relax then go out to a bar or socialize. I don't mind going out, but 99% of the time if I go out and not by myself.

Could it work out better if you guys had separate apartments? Then you each have your own space. If she's moving away, maybe not follow her out there. Do the LDR thing.

Or of you go out there, go out there but land in your own apartment over there, and her in her own apartment over there. Rather than both in the same one.

Yeah we already decided it doesn't work with us living together so we weren't going to try it again, just live in our own places and see each other on weekends like before (our plan before the 6 month break came up). I still think I will end up moving out there along with her just to work on myself, as nothing in my current state is holding me here. My job gives me free reign to work from anywhere.

Why is she not willing to be her authentic CURRENT self at all times?

Why is she going around like putting on a front to be the "old her" around you if that's just not who she is any more?

That is not being honest or authentic in this relationship.

I know she's got depression that she wants to try solving on her own without meds or therapy. And that is her choice.

But you could take the break time to decide if you want to date someone who chooses that path. Because their depression affects you too if you are dating them.

It is something I really need to look at, I suffered from depression very badly in the past and still do a lot nowadays. I found therapy works for me but the type of person she is, even though she had found meds work for her, she still wants to also battle it on her own terms. That gung-ho attitude is what attracted me to her, but I do wish she would accept help for this type of thing.

Exactly. Not everyone you date is gonna be a super long haul runner.

I like the John Cleese quote about all relationships coming with a clock attached. They last however long it lasts.

Some go longer than others. That is just life.

So... this "taking a break" thing? If really what it needs to be is a plain break up? Just plain break up.

If it's taking a break to contemplate the future of this relationship? Consider doing it living in separate homes to see if that alleviates some pressure. And decide if 6 mos break is too long a period. Maybe 3 mos? Maybe 12. Whatever it is.

Maybe 3 mos no contact, then 3 mos only phone contact, then 3 months seeing other once a semester, then 3 months seeing each other more than that? Like a trial period overall of 12 mos, but with some "stair steps?"

If/when you ask her out to things, expect her to actually think about it and give an HONEST answer. Not just "going through the motions" and later being grumpy. Or if this is a break where you do not see each other at all during the separation period you agreed on? Just don't see each other then.

Do the separation break to contemplate. Then check in after 6 mos. If it is working out better to date from separate homes? Carry on because the move solved the pressure.

If it needs to be a break up? End it. And you already live apart anyway.

Yeah, if I felt it was completely dead and there was nothing left I think it would pain me, but I would just have to end it. I still do see some compassion and love from her though, just in terms of cuddling and kissing. She wakes me up to kiss me goodbye, we fall asleep with her wrapped around me, and she has told me it really upsets her that she can't feel anything day to day about me...so maybe there is still something there weighed down under the depression. I know when I was suffering from feeling "dead inside" there were lots of things I wanted to feel or say to people but I just couldn't get them out, like there was a giant blanket smothering me when I tried.

I think maybe your own living space may help you have YOUR space too. For working on yourself and so on.

I think you are being fair and realistic. You want to see her. But she has to make up her mind if she wants to keep seeing you. 6 months taking a break, and then an answer please. But if she is being all wishy-washy after 6 mos break maybe YOU just end it. Because that's not fair to YOU. You have your own life to be living. Can't be "living on pause" forever.

I agree, I would like to at least talk to her in the 6 month period, just to keep in touch a little...or try to do 3 months at first and see where we are at...but that's something we'll have to talk more about and yes, if she has no desire to really reach out after the 6months then I can easily just pick up and move elsewhere.

So? If the current agreement is poly relationship? And you guys are on break? That doesn't mean you have to stop seeing other people. And she can see other people too.

Good. You have done the work.

So this is basically about determining these toggles.

I have no hangups about her seeing other people other then that she told me she has no feelings of want/sexual desire for "Anyone" and just feels asexual. If she were to immediately start dating someone else sexually then I would just probably end things, as it would mean she either wasn't true to me about her feelings or things really had just run their course and we didn't have that connection anymore.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello townie1221,

There's not a lot you can do as far as I can tell, your girlfriend has asked for a six-month break, and all you can do is give that to her. Hopefully things will be better when the break is over, or at least hopefully she'll be able to tell you more about how/why the break is supposed to help her. I have to say, I'm a little unclear on that point, it sounds like she's taking this break because she's suffering from depression, but I don't know how taking the break will help with that. She is the one who is experiencing the depression, so she is the one who knows how the break will help.

I think you have an excellent idea, in that you will try to improve yourself during the six months. All I would suggest is, don't assume that any particular behavior of yours has contributed to her depression, unless she specifically tells you so. Otherwise you're just improving yourself in general, and that seems like a positive/constructive way to use that time.

Are you having second thoughts about continuing with a relationship with her? Is she having second thoughts? I know you said you are no longer 100% sure about moving across the country with her. Maybe this break is a time for you to think about that?

Hopefully this thread has been helpful to you so far.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[MeeraReed]

So, polyamory is about outside-the-box thinking and alternative ways to construct relationships. In those terms, a 6-month break doesn't have to be dire or terrible.

I relate to a lot of how you describe your girlfriend. But, I'm solo poly, and figured out long ago that living with someone doesn't work for me. I need my own space. Living with someone, I would experience exactly what your girlfriend is feeling--that I can't think straight or catch my breath or even figure out what I want, because I am so exhausted from not having my own space.

I alsohave some asexual tendencies. I would love to spend 6 months alone writing a book in some sort of cabin (well, more like a luxury condo, I like my creature comforts), taking a break from sex and work and people (and even from my partner who I love). Logistically, that's not going to happen. I have to go to my day job. But, I like knowing that my partner (who has other partners of his own) would support me emotionally if I ever did need a 6-month break or have the means/opportunity to do it.

In your case, it sounds like your relationship is more up-in-the-air. Like, it is not 100% certain that your relationship will resume after the break. And maybe it shouldn't. That's okay too.

But I think you can find away to support your girlfriend taking this break without feeling like your life is on pause while she figures out what she wants. If you're poly, you can still date other people.

Honestly, 6 months sometimes goes by really fast. And, once she's in her own space, your girlfriend might start feeling better and getting clarity. Maybe she won't even need the full break.

 

[townie1221]

Are you having second thoughts about continuing with a relationship with her? Is she having second thoughts? I know you said you are no longer 100% sure about moving across the country with her. Maybe this break is a time for you to think about that?

I still want to see this relationship through so no second thoughts in my mind yet and her actions don't seem to relay that she's having second thoughts either...or at least from what I am picking up on. Still cuddles close to me, kiss and caress my face and cling to me while we fall asleep. None of that rings as someone who wants to cut ties...I think she's just very very depressed and confused with no ability to show real emotion.

So, polyamory is about outside-the-box thinking and alternative ways to construct relationships. In those terms, a 6-month break doesn't have to be dire or terrible.

I relate to a lot of how you describe your girlfriend. But, I'm solo poly, and figured out long ago that living with someone doesn't work for me. I need my own space. Living with someone, I would experience exactly what your girlfriend is feeling--that I can't think straight or catch my breath or even figure out what I want, because I am so exhausted from not having my own space.

I alsohave some asexual tendencies. I would love to spend 6 months alone writing a book in some sort of cabin (well, more like a luxury condo, I like my creature comforts), taking a break from sex and work and people (and even from my partner who I love). Logistically, that's not going to happen. I have to go to my day job. But, I like knowing that my partner (who has other partners of his own) would support me emotionally if I ever did need a 6-month break or have the means/opportunity to do it.

In your case, it sounds like your relationship is more up-in-the-air. Like, it is not 100% certain that your relationship will resume after the break. And maybe it shouldn't. That's okay too.

But I think you can find away to support your girlfriend taking this break without feeling like your life is on pause while she figures out what she wants. If you're poly, you can still date other people.

Honestly, 6 months sometimes goes by really fast. And, once she's in her own space, your girlfriend might start feeling better and getting clarity. Maybe she won't even need the full break.

Yeah, it's strange to me to need that much time away..but I also want to support her in that. I'm in my late 30s now, so I have had some clarity through my life to not react super quick and irrational to things and just sit down and think them through.

It did hurt to hear that from her, but I can see where she is coming from and if living apart from each other means she is happy and her best self, then I am all for that. I'll probably end up just fostering dogs to have companionship at home for myself, or maybe ill meet someone who wants to live with me and is ok with the whole poly thing, never know!

Thanks everyone so far for all the helpful input and thoughts. Means a lot to me!

 

[MayDecember]

Hey Townie.

I understand not reacting quickly. Me too. Good on you.

Nevertheless, it is an important signal. It looks to me from my arm chair psychologist's desk that she was planning on a break when she moved.

The one thing a man should never, never do is be a poodle. Following her out there is poodling.

Think about your first night apart after you move in there together. You drink and play video games. She's going to love that, right?

If I was her, thinking about you following me out to my new place, to drink and play video games, it would put me into a depression.

 

[FallenAngelina]

If I was her, thinking about you following me out to my new place, to drink and play video games, it would put me into a depression.

Because you are a man and you're giving a man's opinion. One man's opinion. Oodles of women would love a poodle who drank and played video games with them. If the guy has other interests and friends, which many men do, then "following" a woman can be glorious. Lots of men move for love - and gladly. I dunno if a move is the best idea for this particular situation, but men in general can certainly find happiness in such a choice. What a sad, sad world this would be if men did not ever follow the call of love and move for a woman.

 

[ElMango]

The one thing a man should never, never do is be a poodle.

I can honestly think of nothing nicer then after moving my men sitting with me and playing video games.

 

[opalescent]

Move on

It just really reads like she is not in a good place to be in a relationship right now. Maybe that will change in 6 months, maybe not. Dan Savage suggests one has to be in 'good enough working order' to be in a relationship. Your girlfriends seems to be aware that she is struggling and that she's not really in good working order. Let her go. Perhaps in a while, she may be doing better and you two can reconnect romantically/sexually. Or not. Both seem entirely possible. But, I suggest, for you, is to disengage romantically and sexually, don't expect anything, and move on with your life. Start dating if you want to, etc.

Best of luck!

 

[townie1221]

Yeah I don't see myself being a poodle following her out, and I told her that as well. Basically i'm following her out there to see an area I don't know and experience a few things out there I want to do (grand canyon, wolf sanctuary) but a good portion of the reason IS that I want to keep our relationship going. However I said "I'm not a sad little puppy waiting at the door for you to eventually come home, i'll do my thing and in the back of my mind hope that we get back together and things work out..but if they don't they dont".

She seems to understand that I think, and I feel it lets her know that I still care about her, want her in my life and i'm willing to make the move out to be with her and see if things work...but also i'm not moping around for 6 months looking longingly at my phone. Yes, there will be days I do that because that's who I am, but most days will be spent bettering myself in ways I want.

 

[Vicki82]

I dunno. I think sometimes you have to take a risk and go- Henry moved cities for me.

But I wouldn't do that unless I knew the other person was all in for the relationship. I would not want to uproot my life merely for a possibility, and if things don't work out then it would be uncomfortable or I've passed up other possibilities.

This wouldn't be the kind of situation where I'd see myself moving for someone, when they're asking for a break from the relationship!

 

[townie1221]

I dunno. I think sometimes you have to take a risk and go- Henry moved cities for me.

But I wouldn't do that unless I knew the other person was all in for the relationship. I would not want to uproot my life merely for a possibility, and if things don't work out then it would be uncomfortable or I've passed up other possibilities.

This wouldn't be the kind of situation where I'd see myself moving for someone, when they're asking for a break from the relationship!

Hmm true, though I don't have anything really in this area other than work, which I can do from anywhere remotely so that works out. Friends and family are not in this area, devoted myself mostly to work and i've never been super social anyways haha.

She's told me she needs the time to center herself and get back to where she wants to be. I think the combo of depression and work stress have caught up to her and pushed her to the edge. She has crazy body image issues now, no sex drive or interest in it at all (super super unlike her) and has nowhere to really just relax to figure things out at her own speed (If i'm at home then she feels my presence even if i'm in another room, it's not that large of an apartment).

All of that I get, and through talking it over with my therapist I feel I love her enough to at least give it a shot and see what happens. Worse case is she breaks it off and I just move back here or elsewhere, hassle in terms of money but that's about it and i'm well paid to shrug that off.

She's also very straight forward to the point of of probably being seen as a "bitch" in modern society since she speaks her mind, so the idea that she's lying to me....while helping to move all my stuff out along with her stuff...seems like it's a null point in my mind, or maybe she's also lying to herself. Who knows!

Relationships are messy as fuck at times and never like the movies, took me awhile to figure that out and I still have idealistic views sometimes (Thanks Disney!) but yeah, at 36yrs old I think i'm finally starting to figure things out.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hmm true, though I don't really have anything in this area other than work, which I can do from anywhere remotely, so that works out. Friends and family are not in this area. I've devoted myself mostly to work, and I've never been super social anyways. haha

She's told me she needs the time to center herself and get back to where she wants to be. I think the combination of depression and work stress have caught up with her and pushed her to the edge. She has crazy body image issues now, no sex drive or interest in it at all (super super unlike her) and has nowhere, really, to just relax to figure things out at her own speed. If I'm at home, then she feels my presence even if I'm in another room. It's not that large of an apartment.

If you're so well paid, probably if you do start living together again, she could be provided with a nice room of her own to unwind in and do her own thing.

All of that I get, and through talking it over with my therapist I feel I love her enough to at least give it a shot and see what happens. Worse case is, she breaks it off, and I just move back here or elsewhere. A hassle in terms of money, but that's about it, and I'm enough well paid to shrug that off.

She's also very straightforward, to the point of probably being seen as a "bitch" in modern society, since she speaks her mind, so the idea that she's lying to me- while helping to move all my stuff out along with her stuff- seems like it's a null point in my mind. Or maybe she's also lying to herself. Who knows?

No need to overthink this. You know her well. We are just a bunch of strangers here.

Relationships are messy as fuck at times, and never like the movies. It took me a while to figure that out, and I still have idealistic views sometimes (thanks Disney!). But yeah, at 36 years old I think i'm finally starting to figure things out.

I think, if you want to explore another part of the country, this is a good enough reason to go! You don't need the permission of any of us. If she doesn't want a relationship after all, there's not even any reason to move away from the area, if you end up liking it. You can still be friends with her, or not. You can make new friends, find another gf, build a life.

I think it's really sexist to say that when a male partner follows a female partner to wherever, it's "poodling." What a stupid term and idea. You might as well say, "Be a man." "Man up." I suppose if a woman followed a man to another state, that's OK, it's just horrifically weak and a sign of having your balls in her purse when the genders are reversed. Give me a break, it's 2019.

My partner moved from upstate NY to Boston to follow her gf, who got a job there. They broke up after 5 years. My gf was established there by then, and stayed. A few months later we met and fell in love. I'm glad she didn't go running back to her hometown, or we wouldn't have met.

If your gf or whatever she is, is upset when she sees you having a cocktail and playing a game when she gets home, so what? Unless you're getting sloppy drunk and acting like a fool, it sounds like perfectly normal behavior for an introvert. That's just her anxiety talking.

 

[townie1221]

If you're so well paid, probably if you do start living together again, she could be provided with a nice room of her own to unwind in and do her own thing.

I would love this, not sure she'll ever want to move in together again but if that does happen I now know exactly how to approach her need of space at least

No need to overthink this. You know her well. We are just a bunch of strangers here.

Yeah, it helps though to hear outsider views, lets me rethink things through again in my head and see if there's something there i'm missing.

My partner moved from upstate NY to Boston to follow her gf, who got a job there. They broke up after 5 years. My gf was established there by then, and stayed. A few months later we met and fell in love. I'm glad she didn't go running back to her hometown, or we wouldn't have met.

If your gf or whatever she is, is upset when she sees you having a cocktail and playing a game when she gets home, so what? Unless you're getting sloppy drunk and acting like a fool, it sounds like perfectly normal behavior for an introvert. That's just her anxiety talking.

Yeah I really feel like it's my best choice. I love her enough to make that leap and change even if I don't know the future outcome, just to give it a chance. Also I know at least with my own depression, I receded from everyone for a long period of time...but sometimes I really wanted someone there to talk to. I told her I would be there if ever needed, but I wasn't going to just wait at the phone/door for her call.

What part of upstate NY btw if you don't mind my asking? I'm originally from there too, up in the Adirondacks.