Looking for people's take on a situation:
I'm seeing a woman for 4 months now. She is married with 4 children. Her husband also dates and is seeing 1 maybe 2 others.
Now, her and I are peas in a pod. quickly developing as much of a best friendship as becoming great lovers.
Before meeting me she split from her husband as over the course of her marriage she had cheated on several occasions and decided she couldn't be with just him (she has maintained several long longer term "affairs" in her marriages and she is just built to be non monogamous) . He decided to end it over her cheating. After several months he approached her to restart the relationship and agreed to her terms of a polyamorous relationship. This is an arrangement she is very happy with and she is very supportive of his exploration. Several months later I enter the picture.
It becomes pretty clear as time goes on that he's not okay with her being poly (but he's fine with him seeing other girls). There are terrible passive aggressive texts when she's with me. She's often moved to tears in the way she is approached and treated around the topic. I think he was sure that this would blow up in her face and then she found me.... I love and adore her. She gets along great with my wife, my 4 year year old even has a baby crush on her. She is a perfect fit so far.
Ethical nonmonogamy is often defined with "enthusiastic support of all involved." I begin to worry if I'm butting into a situation where his lack of enthusiasm makes me less than ethical. Then again I wrestle with the idea that there is no sense of fair play in a game where one person gets to change the rules to suit their whims. It's all further complicated by the fact that he is legally blind and reliant upon her. She stayed to care for him even after they had their brief split up (doing more of a co-parenting thing). She feels a strong sense of obligation to him (she loves him deeply). She insists he will eventually "come around" or he will eventually leave (he has a substantial inheritance that will take care of him for the rest of his life but he has never tapped it)... but she has no desire at this point to leave the relationship. She wants to continue to raise children together, etc.
I'm willing to simply let her navigate this on her own. I support her emotionally when she's having a rough day (I often know it's him but try to leave it unspoken). My concern is if folks think that I am acting unethically by maintaining this relationship. Is this a situation where I should say "figure out this other relationship before I get further involved" or is it okay to just butt out of their business and let her and my relationship grow organically?
I'm seeing a woman for 4 months now. She is married with 4 children. Her husband also dates and is seeing 1 maybe 2 others.
Now, her and I are peas in a pod. quickly developing as much of a best friendship as becoming great lovers.
Before meeting me she split from her husband as over the course of her marriage she had cheated on several occasions and decided she couldn't be with just him (she has maintained several long longer term "affairs" in her marriages and she is just built to be non monogamous) . He decided to end it over her cheating. After several months he approached her to restart the relationship and agreed to her terms of a polyamorous relationship. This is an arrangement she is very happy with and she is very supportive of his exploration. Several months later I enter the picture.
It becomes pretty clear as time goes on that he's not okay with her being poly (but he's fine with him seeing other girls). There are terrible passive aggressive texts when she's with me. She's often moved to tears in the way she is approached and treated around the topic. I think he was sure that this would blow up in her face and then she found me.... I love and adore her. She gets along great with my wife, my 4 year year old even has a baby crush on her. She is a perfect fit so far.
Ethical nonmonogamy is often defined with "enthusiastic support of all involved." I begin to worry if I'm butting into a situation where his lack of enthusiasm makes me less than ethical. Then again I wrestle with the idea that there is no sense of fair play in a game where one person gets to change the rules to suit their whims. It's all further complicated by the fact that he is legally blind and reliant upon her. She stayed to care for him even after they had their brief split up (doing more of a co-parenting thing). She feels a strong sense of obligation to him (she loves him deeply). She insists he will eventually "come around" or he will eventually leave (he has a substantial inheritance that will take care of him for the rest of his life but he has never tapped it)... but she has no desire at this point to leave the relationship. She wants to continue to raise children together, etc.
I'm willing to simply let her navigate this on her own. I support her emotionally when she's having a rough day (I often know it's him but try to leave it unspoken). My concern is if folks think that I am acting unethically by maintaining this relationship. Is this a situation where I should say "figure out this other relationship before I get further involved" or is it okay to just butt out of their business and let her and my relationship grow organically?
