Going public - how did you do it & what were the consequences?

CuriousCathy

CuriousCathy

Member
How did you navigate going public with your non-nesting partner?

Context: our home is a city in a small country, so “city” really means a big village. Neither me nor Edgar (my NP) can come out of the closet at home without harm. Having been together forever, we are known as a unit by our wide circles of colleagues (both of us work for large employers & in large departments), fellow hobby community members and other acquaintances.

We are lucky: for various reasons we travel to another continent at least once a year, usually independently of each other. We have friends in our second playground too and it’s a more liberal sort of place overall, so we don’t have an issues outing ourselves to friends. The lives we lead there are different to the home country. We have always enjoyed that difference and would like it to continue.

Not infrequently though we bump into people we vaguely know from home in our second playground. Usually it’s just a round of polite hellos, surprise at seeing each other and parting ways. Both Edgar and I have potential love interests in the second playground and we are just at the beginning of our ENM journey, so not yet comfortable being “caught” with a non-NP by someone we might vaguely know from home.

If you are familiar with a similar LDR set up, did/do you just go out openly with your non-NP in one country/state/city and with NP in another (or permutations thereof)? Have you had any situations where someone (that you don’t know well) recognised you and you found having to explain yourself? How did it go? Have you been “outed” as poly when you weren’t ready? How did it turn out in the long run?

Both of us just want to enjoy our other relationships if and when we establish them. Neither of us believes in “hiding” the other partner as it wouldn’t be fair on them. Of course it’s nobody’s business how any of us chooses to navigate our intimate relationships other than us & our partners. Yet, in reality, our lives could be made very uncomfortable if our poly status became widely known at home. Just trying to get a picture of what might be around the corner.
 
My life has mostly been "out the closet", so not much experience with that, but have you ever considered moving to the more liberal country?

Or if your other partners agree with this suggestion, you could just tell other people that they are Friends instead of a Partner and refrain from PDA in public, and keep the intimacy within the home. I mean, you have friends right and you're not going into an in depth conversation when you bump into them? But be prepared to lose certain partners as they don't want to be kept "secret."
 
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LaminarFlow said:
My life has mostly been "out the closet", so not much experience with that, but have you ever considered moving to the more liberal country?
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Yeah, we wondered about moving to the 2nd playground, but for Edgar it would mean effectively giving up his career as his profession is structured differently. For me it would mean a 40% pay cut (and a more stressful job). The clincher is that living and working in the home country is better for our kids as we can provide them with a relaxed lifestyle where their parents are around and still be able to afford to go to the second playground regularly. It doesn’t really work the other way around in our professions.

We are thinking once kids finish school we could do half-half of some description. That’s some years away yet.
 
CuriousCathy said:
Yeah, we wondered about moving to the 2nd playground, but for Edgar it would mean effectively giving up his career as his profession is structured differently. For me it would mean a 40% pay cut (and a more stressful job). The clincher is that living and working in the home country is better for our kids as we can provide them with a relaxed lifestyle where their parents are around and still be able to afford to go to the second playground regularly. It doesn’t really work the other way around in our professions.

We are thinking once kids finish school we could do half-half of some description. That’s some years away yet.
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I see. How frequent are you going to the Second Playground and bumping into vague people?

First, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, especially not people who are not even close to you.
If you are with someone somewhere without the PDA, I could easily think you would be with just a (close) friend, sports buddy, colleague etc.
People will make assumptions no matter what.
 
LaminarFlow said:
My life has mostly been "out the closet", so not much experience with that, but have you ever considered moving to the more liberal country?

Or if your other partners agree with this suggestion, you could just tell other people that they are Friends instead of a Partner and refrain from PDA in public, and keep the intimacy within the home. I mean, you have friends right and you're not going into an in depth conversation when you bump into them? But be prepared to lose certain partners as they don't want to be kept "secret."
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Edgar’s first attempt was unfortunate - Clara would have preferred to cheat behind my back and therefore be “secret” than have an ENM setup. She was very unhappy that I will know about her and ultimately it transpired that she was husband hunting so it kind of made sense.

In my case, if things work out with Heath, I don’t think he would want to be “secret” but then it’s not that far a step from our current PDAs - we’d have to be seen kissing to scandalise someone from home. Anything less than that is already our normal and all our friends have known this about us for years. It’s not a rumour that would get very far before a friend would unwittingly shut it down as “oh it’s just Heath and Cathy, nothing to see here” … the challenge would be coming out to our friends, on all three sides actually. We do have some awesome people in our lives who happen to be conservative about relationships. That’s what Heath meant about recalibrating.
 
LaminarFlow said:
I see. How frequent are you going to the Second Playground and bumping into vague people?

First, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone, especially not people who are not even close to you.
If you are with someone somewhere without the PDA, I could easily think you would be with just a (close) friend, sports buddy, colleague etc.
People will make assumptions no matter what.
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At least once a year, usually for at least a few weeks due to the distance, hence the ability to have good friends in both places and be known in our hobby community. And yes, you’re totally right, people will always make assumptions. I guess up until now we haven’t given any reason for anyone to make “wrong” assumptions. Long may that last. Once it becomes known in the Second Playground (here we are also known as a monogamous unit at the moment) that we are open, it will become harder to contain I guess.
 
CuriousCathy said:
Edgar’s first attempt was unfortunate - Clara would have preferred to cheat behind my back and therefore be “secret” than have an ENM setup. She was very unhappy that I will know about her and ultimately it transpired that she was husband hunting so it kind of made sense.
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Sounds like Clara was attempting "cow girling"(poaching) Edgar. Is she gone now?

CuriousCathy said:
In my case, if things work out with Heath, I don’t think he would want to be “secret” but then it’s not that far a step from our current PDAs - we’d have to be seen kissing to scandalise someone from home. Anything less than that is already our normal and all our friends have known this about us for years. It’s not a rumour that would get very far before a friend would unwittingly shut it down as “oh it’s just Heath and Cathy, nothing to see here” … the challenge would be coming out to our friends, on all three sides actually. We do have some awesome people in our lives who happen to be conservative about relationships. That’s what Heath meant about recalibrating.
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How about coming out to close friends/family on Secondary Playground only, isn't that good enough?
Where is Heath? At Home Country? Secondary Playground? Both? What would be good enough for Heath? If you bump into vague people they can assume all they want, especially if you only see each other once or twice a year (personally I thought it would be way more frequent than that).

If a few friends already know, isn't that good enough for now. Do the conservative ones really need an explanation?
 
CuriousCathy said:
At least once a year, usually for at least a few weeks due to the distance, hence the ability to have good friends in both places and be known in our hobby community. And yes, you’re totally right, people will always make assumptions. I guess up until now we haven’t given any reason for anyone to make “wrong” assumptions. Long may that last. Once it becomes known in the Second Playground (here we are also known as a monogamous unit at the moment) that we are open, it will become harder to contain I guess.
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Apologies I was confused. Thought you were open to friends in Second Playground (liberal) and not in Home Country (conservative)?

And Heath is also in this hobby community? I guess it doesn't really matter where you are in the end, if you only want the trusted friends and family to know and that would be good enough for Heath, it should be all okay. If you want to go degrees further than that, then it might be a problem as Heath doesn't want to be a secret. So I guess, be prepared he could bow out.
 
Apologies for the confusion. We are not out of the closet anywhere yet. This was a pre-emptive post to help us figure things out. The only people aware of our ENM status are Heath and Clara + two other dear friends who are a poly couple, let’s call them Sally and Rob. We asked for their advice re: navigating poly relationships after the Clara fiasco. As part of that chat, Sally asked if Edgar and I are public or not and we realised that we need to figure out what would be the important driving forces for and against coming out at each location. All four characters live in the second playground. Heath is the only one who has been to our home country a few times.

Heath is not part of the hobby community but Clara, Sally and Rob are. Technically Edgar’s playground is in one city (where Clara is) and mine in another (where Heath is), but on the same continent, hence I united it into one entity. The different cities are because of work and historical reasons.

LaminarFlow said:
I guess it doesn't really matter where you are in the end, if you only want the trusted friends and family to know and that would be good enough for Heath, it should be all okay.
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Yes, I am hoping that everything would just work out that way with Heath. I anticipate that it will be more of an issue for Edgar as I don’t have the hobby community to deal with. I just enjoy the hobby when I’m there and I currently don’t have a crush on anybody in the community. Whereas that’s how Edgar connects with others, historically developed his crushes in that setting and he also has a more public-facing job at home.

LaminarFlow said:
as Heath doesn't want to be a secret. So I guess, be prepared he could bow out.
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Apparently I have no spine when it comes to Heath. If he really wants us to be public, then I see myself accepting that rather than see him bow out. Usually I can get him to see reason, but as his workaholism has proven repeatedly - not in every sphere.
 
LaminarFlow said:
@CuriousCathy Perhaps an idea for you, Heath, Ned and Edgar to fill out this Non-Escalator Relationship form to see what you all want now and a few years, and compare?

shareloveforms.com

Shareable Love Forms

Easy to share forms about relationships and love
shareloveforms.com shareloveforms.com
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Cool! I haven’t heard of this. Thank you! I’ll definitely have a look.
 
I have not gone public, and probably never will. I have never been outed as poly. As for a non-nesting partner, I don't have one, I only have my nesting partner. So, nothing to go public about in that area.
 
We three live together. We are out to select friends and family, such as all our adult children, my younger child, my younger child's father, and certain coworkers of Sir's who are also in alternative lifestyles of various kinds. To everyone else I am just a friend who is living on their land in my own tiny home, helping them out as they are slowing down and Meow needs a nurse as she has health problems. ;-) If anyone suspects differently, then they can suspect all they want, we will all deny it. We sadly cannot show affection in public. Sir and Meow are married so he can kiss her, and I just stand there and enjoy the compersion. We live in the country, I work in the city. I doubt we will ever run into my co workers. I do risk being fired, in my state we don't need a reason to be fired.
 
I generally tell people one at a time. Bff, mum, colleagues, etc. The only time I mention it to a group is when I'm talking to my students, usually during introductions. Exceptionally liberal school.

Consequences...bff got upset (envy). Mum asked me if I was being promiscuous (not really). And I got generous bereavement leave when Ayin died because people understood he was more than just a friend.
 
Depends on audience.

Friends mostly know. My wife and I have been ENM for almost 30 years. Our friends watched us pickup women in bars in our younger years.
Family found out, because we were living in a quad and coparenting 4 kids. It had to come out
My mom asked me again this year, if you are married why do you date. I had to remind her that marriage was a construct she and my wifes family wanted to legitimize our relationship. Its not something I needed/wanted. Also.. as a reminder mom, I have been agnostic since I was 7. Marriage is paper.

I am ... hmmm not that I want this to sound rude, I dont care about coming out of any closet. I dont hide the fact I am non-mono but I dont feel the need to tell folks either. Kind of like mono, I dont walk around talking about my relationship construct. :)
 
I think the older you get, the less flack you get about being poly. Older relatives' opinions really don't impact you as much. If you're close with a sibling and they love you, they should accept you. They should listen to your reasons for doing this and not be judgmental, as long as you're happy. (Or even if you're not happy! Poly relationships can end more or less easily, just like mono ones.)

Now, if you're in a conservative state/country, you could lose a job, a community, or even be jailed, I suppose. Lots of poly people are gay/queer and it's illegal to be in a homosexual relationship in some countries!

There can be confusion when it comes to who gets to be your plus one for work parties or weddings.

If you're Christian and going to a less than welcoming church, you should probably switch to a CofC or UU church. Good luck if you're an Orthodox Jew...

As for me and mine, my gf and I are pagan. Our bfs are open-minded, probably atheists. So that's not an issue.

My bf Aries, at 32, is the youngest of our poly group. His mom is dead, his father is bi and liberal, so that's okay. His brothers don't judge him either.

I'm older and my parents and (sadly) my only sibling, my sister, have passed away. My mom died before I divorced my husband. My dad knew me after my divorce but only met Pixi once and he was kind of senile by then. He didn't need to know I also dated others. He'd retired to Florida so he was far away from me. Now he's passed on too.

My sister knew I was living poly before and after my divorce, but she was extremely live and let live.

My gf Pixi's parents are still alive, but she's never really come out to them as poly, since she lives 6 hours away from them. They think of her bf Malachi as a "good friend," although they've never met him. They accept that she and I are in a FF romantic partners relationship and treat me like family. Pixi's brother is an asshole so he doesn't count... He's nice enough to me when he feels like it.

Malachi has not told his family that Pixi is poly, but they know she shares her lives with both of us 50/50. I do feel a bit bad about it when she goes to his family's homes for holidays. I feel kind of invisible. But that's Malachi's choice. He thinks his mom is judgmental and doesn't want to let her know.

The people in our suburban neighborhoods think that Pixi and I are mother and daughter lol. They see men coming and going all the time here. It could be our bfs, it could be my son, or platonic friends, or whatever. I think the newish next door neighbors might be confused as to who is my partner, but we New Englanders keep to ourselves and no one says anything. I do sometimes imagine the gossip behind closed doors and window shades...
 
Thank you everyone for the stories so far. Unsurprisingly, there is a lot of nuance in every situation. To echo some of the points raised, no, I wouldn’t go walkabout and announce my relationship status - we are talking purely of scenarios when caught out. The distance between home and the second playground is absolutely to our advantage. At a pinch it’s workable without doing anything as long as we take care not to run into anyone from home. Re: judgemental society we are in - I would not lose my job but Edgar’s would definitely be at risk. I would just be ostracised by some colleagues but that wouldn’t matter to me too much. What will be worse is that I would get hit on by a different tranche of arsehole colleagues, who would suddenly see me as fair game. I work in a misogynistic field. It’s getting better, but it’s three steps forward / two steps back. If one person suspects, it will be common knowledge within 3 months max at my workplace.

Our parents don’t really need to (nor would want to) know the details, so that side is ok.

Most important are the close friends. We have one very conservative close friend who will struggle to understand. She’s part of the hobby community and she knows Heath. Another couple of good friends (from whom we wouldn’t want to hide any partners) might also take a bit of time to wrap their heads around us. They also know Heath.

I’m typing this and realising that all of our close friends (Edgar’s, mine and Heath’s, in all continents involved) actually know us as Cathy + Edgar= solid couple and Cathy + Heath= solid old friends. Most of them have met us in various combinations over the years too. If/When Edgar finds someone else, the balance will tip and to make things fair, I’d have to come out of the shadows. Clearly I’m overthinking this, but I really don’t want Edgar to be unfairly cast as the cheating husband when it was me who started us on this ENM journey, and with a crush on Heath of all people 🫣 Seeing examples of how you dealt with the secrecy or otherwise is immensely helpful 😍
 
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I can't help but wonder if those people who think of you and Heath as old platonic friends don't wonder from time to time if there is a sexual/romantic aspect there (unless they believe he is entirely gay, which I suppose is possible). But would they really be shocked? So shocked they would never be able to face you again? I mean, it's not really their business, is it? What any of us do with other adults consensually is up to us, as long as no one is outright abusing someone.

Me, personally, I was raised by liberal parents. I was born in 1955. My parents met at teacher's college. They took psychology courses. They were atheists. They were not beatniks or hippies, although they did love jazz music and camping and cocktails haha

My mother was especially loving and accepting and nurturing and kind. I was raised to "do my own thing," "march to the beat of your own drum" and all that '60s stuff. I employed the idea of "comfort the disturbed, disturb the comfortable." I marched in Washington DC to protest the war in Viet Nam with my mom when I was 15.

Anyway, I rather enjoy shocking people. When I was an art student in Philadelphia, I realized my school was in the gayborhood! Yes, in the early-mid-1970s, Philly already had a big gayborhood. We daily saw same sex couples holding hands and kissing on the street. Even so, my friends and I would still turn heads when we got dressed up in our most outrageous hippie garb and walked down the street in the various Center City neighborhoods. It was fun.

So, yeah. Being raised as I was, I never really gave much thought to offending people with my alternative ways. I figured if they didn't like it, they could go fuck themselves.
 
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