Greetings from the North Coast (of the US)

DavidInCLE

DavidInCLE

New member
Hi!

Happily married for 10+ years, however, my wife has lost interest in physical intimacy, sexual and otherwise. She enjoys sex when I initiate, but her own drive is nonexistent, and I need more than that. Our individual interests have also diverged over time, so that I find myself enjoying most of my activities without her.

A younger me would have bitched and whined and complained about these things until the relationship dissolved or exploded apart, but time and maturity(?) has suggested that it's unfair to expect any one person to be everything. I'd rather just appreciate her for what she does bring to the table and what we do share.

My wife actually started investigating the poly lifestyle. She was inspired while reading a book about Henry VIII and Ann Boleyn, and she became curious about the concept of a 'mistress', someone who could satisfy the more adventurous desires of a husband, while the wife would remain the primary relationship, and continue to enjoy the functions and benefits of that position. She brought the idea to me and my first reaction was, "This will NEVER work." Subsequent articles she forwarded showed that this is a lifestyle that apparently DOES work, at least for some people. Which eventually brought me here.

I've spent a bit of time on Reddit, looking for information and opportunities to further this goal, but all I see are people pointing fingers and condemning people for how they feel and for expressing their needs. Everyone seems to feel like THEIR kink is wholesome and normal, but everyone ELSE's thing should be judged and then tied to a stake and burned. I hope this forum isn't like that.

I tried OKCupid (incidentally, the dating service where my wife and I met) and discovered that it has been changed so drastically in the intervening years, it's virtually useless for its original purpose now, at least if you're a man.

So please go easy on me. I'll read the FAQ's and I'll search for information before posting questions, but I suspect there's a lot to unpack here.
 
DavidInCLE said:
Thanks. Some of the links on the beginner pages are broken, but I did find this article, which was exceptional. Forwarded to the wife, who agreed.

Click to expand...
The page I linked you to is our most recently updated one, containing fairly current articles and books in print/on Kindle. The article you just read is also helpful for defining just what polyamory is.

So your wife agreed with that definition or description of poly?

Edit: I skimmed that article to the end. It was from the late '90s. While it was mostly great, it was a bit outdated, and there was a strong focus on speaking to a formerly mono couple who was opening up, not so much to single or solo people who weren't already in committed mono relationships, but wanting something more. But it was pretty thorough as an introduction. :)
 
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She said it was "very interesting and helpful". I'm sure we'll discuss it in greater detail tonight when she gets home from work. For myself, I particularly appreciated the conversational tone, especially where the other 'speaker' asked the questions and made the assumptive leaps I expect most people would, including myself.

I think my wife's biggest hurdle in this thing will be created when she compares herself to someone with whom I might become involved. The statements in the article pointing out that an urge toward poly isn't necessarily created by a lack on the original partner's part were very well executed. In fact, I can't think of a better way to express this dynamic. The idea that you can find a restaurant that serves the best prime rib in the world, but then the next day you have a real taste for Thai...that's genius. One doesn't have to detract from the other.

For the first several years of our marriage, my wife would occasionally say, "I've seen and met some of your previous partners, and I see the common thread of what attracts you. I'm obviously not that girl, so why are you attracted to me?" The reason is simple, if somewhat unromantic: my wife contains many traits I find important, but more importantly, she contains the least number of traits I can't live with. In fact, virtually none. The fact that she doesn't contain a few that are also important to me is math I'm willing to live with. Like I stated in the earlier post, when I was younger, I would resent this lack, try to change her, with the expected results. I've been through three relationships over the course of my adult life where the attraction, intimacy, and connection was beyond powerful, but for one reason or another, we simply couldn't live together. Those relationships ended in bloody damaging emotional carnage, and I never want to experience that again.

Since I AM willing to live with that math, the whole poly thing is actually my wife's idea. Simply put, she wants me to be happy. Every once in a blue moon, I am around women that do contain that combination of traits that trigger my inconveniently powerful drives for connection, intimacy, and physical touch, and I'm not able (or really, willing) to hide that from my wife. Hiding my emotions has never been my thing, and frankly, I feel that it's unhealthy, especially if you're hiding them from your relationship partner. Rather than feel jealous or inadequate, my wife actually feels sorry that I can't have those things. She's a saint.
 
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Greetings David,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You should have a better experience on Polyamory.com than you had on Reddit, to be honest Reddit has a bad reputation. It's also a shame the direction OKCupid has gone in recent years. Feeld has a pretty good reputation, but has been known to have some functionality problems in recent years. To be honest the best way to meet new people is to get out there and meet them in real life. Clubs, classes, Ren faires, sci-fi cons, indie concerts, things like that. You can look for people to date on this forum, but that's not really our jam here. We're more about discussing poly in general, and giving and getting advice.

In any case, I'm glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
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