Guidelines & Boundaries vs. Rules: Merged Threads, General Discussion

M

moon

New member
Hi there,

I just wanted to ask a general question about the rules and boundaries that you have agreed on with your partners/spouse/lovers that allows you all to function healthily within a poly lifestyle.

The last time my husband and I thought we were ok with our rules, I broke one, making a very stupid mistake, which I definitely don't intend to repeat!

At that time, the rules were (due to our careers and having a young son) we remain sacred and primary, no overnight stays, no unprotected sex, no-one in our bed, no involvement with our son, and being discreet. (I hope I haven't forgotten any, but those were the main ones.)

Having spent a few days reading through many of the posts on here, many of you are much more open/involved than this, sharing beds, families etc., etc. I take my hat off to you. :) The love, compassion, integrity and humility shine through your posts.

I just wondered if any of you had similar rules, but amended them when they were put into practice? Do you have any opinions on the rules we outlined? I would like to learn.

Many thanks,
moon xx
 
Um, well, let's see...

We don't do unprotected sex unless we're fluid bonded with a partner. (Fluid bonding involves testing for STIs and the understanding that sex with folks who aren't bonded has to be safe.)

I prefer that my dates meet my wife early on, to make certain that they register that I am married, my wife knows I date other women, and that she's OK with it. Anybody who would refuse to meet my wife isn't somebody with whom I'd get involved.

I know of people who find the idea of rules useless. They only get involved with people whom they trust to deal honorably with all involved and who will break off ties to anybody who can't behave decently. That's about where we are.

That said, a set of negotiated rules can provide security when learning the ropes. There are lots of folks who have rules and have had rules for years.

So, I don't think there's any generalized approach to it. Some folks have lots of rules, others have few, still others have none.
 
My husband and I have set up rules to help us learn to trust each other. Not that we don't, but so that there will be accountability on both parts. We have pretty much the same rules as you, but we've made adjustments as time passes.

I will admit that I have trust issues. My husband was the only person that broke down my barriers. I trust him, and that helps with the rules. I must admit that most were in place to make sure he didn't get too big of a head. But I know that I can trust him, and when you get to the point were you know your partner wouldn't put your life or body at risk, you will relax the rules too.

Hope this helps!
 
This is my first post on this forum, as I just found it, and have only been poly in the past year. You're asking about rules.

"I just wondered if any of you had similar rules, but amended them when they were put into practice? Do you have any opinions on the rules we outlined? I would like to learn."

Yes, we have rules. The way it was when we started, I was only allowed to kiss other women, nothing else. As we grew more comfortable with everything, it grew to sex with women, as long as it was in our house and protected, then it was sex with women outside of the house, as long as it was stable, and my husband has recently suggested that I find a stable girlfriend.

I have one ex girlfriend now. As of last night, I have a new girlfriend.

We have rules within our poly. My husband requires a few nights at home a week, and for me to not leave him for my girlfriend (which I never would). My girlfriend has a young daughter who is easily confused, and she is in the military, so we do not show affection in public. Aside from that, everything flows by how we all feel. My husband is straight, so has no boyfriends, and he does not get involved with my girlfriend either (as she is a lesbian). I'm sure that throughout our lives, our rules will change, and we may end up monogamous at some point, but for now we are enjoying our poly lifestyle.
 
Most everything flows out of the agreement Kevin and I have to be honest and transparent with one another. It's more of an agreement than a "rule," per se. We trust each other enough that we don't feel the need to lay down rules for our relationship or for each other.

We really like being together, so neither of us fears that there won't be enough time together if either of us ends up having another love. Probably, if or when either of us has another love, we'll include the other/s in our lives in such a way that we'll spend a lot of time together as a group -- whether or not all of us are "romantically" involved with each other. So our routine frequent hikes in the mountains, camping trips, etc., wouldn't be dramatically altered. We'd just have another (or two) to share these activities with, along with meals, maybe a bed...

Sure, if either or both of us were to have another love, we'd spend some one-on-one time with him or her or them. That goes without saying. But there's no fear or doubt about the love we have for one another (or none rising beyond barely perceptible, and laughable), but there'd be no need to make rules to insure that we spend time with each other. We like being together so much that the thought of one of us neglecting the other in terms of time shared is preposterous. But he and I are also generally quite comfortable being alone, or out and about on our own, so there's none of the clingy-needy stuff between us. We need each other, sure, but not in a needy-clingy sort of way.

Neither of us are "dating" others now, nor avoiding it. But it could happen at any time, and I do think I'd like to look into "fluid bonding" as a method of protecting our health. We'd not make a "rule" out of it, but would, rather, come to some sort of agreement. Rules are for the distrustful. I've had shattered trust in a supposed "love" relationship before, and it took a lot of years to find myself where I'm at now.

Trusting my partner as I do, we need no rules, and want none, but we can arrive at agreements. The difference may seem very subtle, if even perceptible to some. But it's the Grand Canyon between the two, for me.

Rules are born of a failure to share or enter into agreement. They are based on a lack of trust, and a fear that the other might harm you, or allow you to be harmed where preventable, or a fear that one is unloved. Rules are like training wheels, at best, and are like manacles or prison walls, at worst. Where there is agreement, "escape" is not sought or desired, so manacles or prison walls are unnecessary.
 
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I must admit, my "rules" are extremely simple, and yet I am often embarrassed by them, because they may appear small-minded or selfish. I need polyfidelity in my relationship with Redpepper in regards to other men. I feel healthy and happy with the men in her life now, and healthy in moving forward towards a bright future.

Nobody knows what the future holds or how we as individuals may grow or change, but the person I am now needs this. If things change for either of us down the road, then we will explore that to see where our path leads.

Regardless, we will both do what is healthy for us as individuals, and strive to stay healthy as a couple, but our friendship is the most important aspect for me. Not being a part of her life is unacceptable to me.

As far as the word "rule" goes, I, and most people I know in the poly world, disagree. LOL I have no issue with black-and-white boundaries, or accepting that there is a clear cost to breaking them. Modern societies are governed by rules. But unlike in society, it's nice that within our relationships we can come to agreements on what those rules should look like.

To me, there are more boundaries in a relationship than actual rules. Boundaries can be pushed and explored for modification, reshaped and redefined. Rules are broken.
 
Mono,

By distinguishing between "rules" and "agreements" as I have done above, I meant to highlight the difference between those relationships where there is profound trust, and those relationships fraught with anxiety and fear that the other will harm or disrespect us. Kevin & I have so much trust, respect, kindness and warmth toward one another that I don't feel like I want to have "rules" in place meant to protect me from the hurt or harm which may result from his actions/non-actions. And I believe he basically feels as I do in this regard.

We have absolutely no rules as to who one or the other can interact with and how they may interact with them, because such rules would be utterly superfluous. We trust one another and our love for one another enough that we see no need to tether one another by such rules. Kevin's just not going to be loving me any less if he meets someone else and falls in love with him/her. He's not going to abandon me in the sense of not spending plenty of quality time with me. I have nothing to fear! Try as I might, I can't think of a scenario in which Kevin would abuse the trust I have in him, so I don't see any need to restrict him with rules.

We have agreements, but our agreements are nothing like rules. We agree, for example, that it is unloving for me or him to have unprotected sex with someone who we don't know to be free of STDs/HIV. Likewise, we agree that it is unloving to involve ourselves in relationships with people who may mistreat, exploit, or abuse us. I don't need to give my okay to the friends or lovers he may choose, because I fundamentally trust him, and our basic agreement to love one another. That's the agreement that all else flows from, including our agreement that such agreements are superior to rule-making, and including our agreement that the trust of the sort we have toward one another is the springhead of the liberty we honor in one another. I say "honor," because I cannot be the bestower of this liberty. I can only recognize it as the truth of who and what we are. If I wanted to constrain that liberty in any way, I'd have to take three good long steps back and examine what I'm fearful of. Such fear indicates a problem. But I have no such problem. We are happy and free, loving and loved.

Wow, writing these recent posts makes me realize how very fortunate I am. I once had a terrible experience of violation/betrayal of my trust with the man who was my first true love. I lived broken in so many ways for so many years after that betrayal. The path to where I am, and where we are, has been a long one, and it's very interesting to see that we've arrived where we are, and how fortunate we are. I wasn't quite as aware of the situation until I spoke it from my heart here.
 
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JRiverMartin said:
We are happy and free, loving and loved.
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I totally get that point, and am very happy for you. You just achieve it in a different way than I do, and that is the beauty of diversity.

I sincerely was not debating our views of boundaries and rules within relationships. Sorry if that is how I came across.
 
JRiverMartin said:
Because we trust one another and our love for one another enough that we see no need to tether one another by such rules.
Click to expand...

For the record, trust has nothing to do with my need for polyfidelity. That could be an entire thread that I simply don't have the energy to fully explore right now. LOL
 
Mono,

I have great respect for polyfidelity, and even monogamy, where there is love. Any style of loving which is true loving is a good thing.

Did I say that rules were like "training wheels"? Well, there's nothing wrong with training wheels. I learned to ride a bicycle with them as a kid. Rules can be a fine thing. I just don't need any, and neither does my partner. We are soaring. Our bicycle flies! We've got wings attached.

Now we have to practice taking the contraption under water! Ooh! Spooky! Always new learning to explore!
 
Umm, yes, River, please upload pictures of that. :)

As for the topic of this thread-- I see the distinction between rules and agreements, and this is definitely something I strive to do, ESPECIALLY in relationships. Ever heard of "rules are meant to be broken"? Seems like that stems from the participants not "agreeing" to them in the first place.

And for sure, agreements can change over time. Being open to that and actually forming new agreements is what makes boundaries heard, understood, and kept.

Sounds healthy to me!

So, from what I have read over the past several months, there are no rules for what the agreements should look like. Whatever works for you, works for you!
 
I have rules for myself. I call them such, because I like the idea of breaking the rules, and have been known to break mine. Somehow, the fact that they are my rules and I break them makes me feel like an anarchist. Hehe Does that make sense? Really, they are boundaries and agreements with myself because they are fluid and changeable. That would be a more suitable description.

When Mono and I came to this forum in April we were BIG into what was acceptable and what wasn't, what he needed to feel safe in our relationship, what I was willing to let go of and agree to around the lifestyle he came into.

At the time my rules were (I think I am repeating myself, as I have said these before, but whatever...):
1. My husband has to know where my dates are and when, in case something happens
2. After two coffee dates they have to meet my husband
3. Provided they are approved, we can move on to a dinner date, or a more serious dating situation, with a possible smooch at the end
4. Sex can come after everyone is comfortable and ready
5. That was as far as I got...

Of course, with Mono I broke all the rules! I met him for coffee, called him that night, talked on the phone for a long time, then emailed, called, and texted the whole next day, and the days after, for about four days. By the weekend we were very close, and I went over there after a date with my husband and our other that we share. The two of them were getting it on, and I just wanted Mono. So I left and drove to his house. I don't think he had met my husband yet! I got in big trouble with my husband and came home again. They met shortly afterwards, and the rest is history.

My husband has always been very willing to trust me entirely and let me go, possibly to my detriment, as I have taken advantage of that in the past. I am not proud of that. He always has known what was happening, but it affected him and we didn't have enough discussion around it.

Now Mono and he have agreements with me that I find far more contained. Much like the sense of commitment you feel when you get married. One thinks that it would be confining, but it is actually freeing! It keeps me in check and makes me feel loved.

I love that we can make our own agreements, and not go by societal norms, unless they fit.
 
Let's see.... Our rules are agreed upon. They are also flexible.

I am more poly than my husband. We have agreed that, because I am bisexual, I am allowed to date other women, but no men. Sex with another woman is allowed only after he has approved of her, and she and I have established a true loving relationship. These things work for me, since I don't desire other men, wouldn't want to be with someone my husband was uncomfortable with, and don't enjoy loveless sex.

Beyond that, the woman (and only one woman) has to want to be involved with our family. My husband and children are very important to me, and I wouldn't want anyone who didn't respect that and want to build a relationship with them. Being poly, I want to add to my family and not take away. This doesn't mean an intimate relationship with my husband. He won't be, nor do I really want him sexually involved with my gf. But a friendship should be there. The gf is free to have another relationship if she chooses, but there has to be some form of polyfidelity. In other words, no casual sex for either of us, or her and her other.

Beyond that, full honesty and full disclosure. Hubby and I are primary, at least in the beginning stages, as we do have children to think about.

However, with my last gf, we were ready to change the rules. We would have moved on to a full triad if she had been willing. The rules are there for guidelines and taking first steps for everyone's comfort and safety. The good thing about them is that they can be amended to fit the individual situation at any time by discussion and agreement.
 
We have always conducted our relationship very freely.
We have only one 'rule', which applies to poly, open marriage, swinging all.

"Do what/who ever you want, just tell me"
If either of us meets someone and has a spontaneous fling, telling the other after the fact is also acceptable.
 
XYZ123 said:
Let's see...our rules are agreed upon. They are also flexible.

The good thing about them is that they can be amended to fit the individual situation at any time by discussion and agreement.
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I must admit, the clarity in your boundaries for your poly relationship is impressive! I have to ask, is your husband poly or mono wired? He sounds like me in a lot of ways. I don't consider being in a poly relationship as making me even remotely poly. Just curious.
 
Thank you, Mono!

My husband actually considers himself poly, as he is capable of deep loving relationships with more than one person. My gf was actually his ex from years before, and also his best friend. He spent years trying to set us up, because he loved us both so much and he felt we'd be perfect for each other.

However, he doesn't feel a need to engage sexually with my other (should I ever have another again) to be in a poly relationship. He is straight. I fulfill all of his sexual desire in that way. It's the same reason why we've agreed that I will not engage in physical relationships with men and can only have one relationship with a woman at any given time. If he were bisexual I'd be fine with him having a physical relationship with a man without my involvement, as I cannot be a man. We seem different than most here in that the loving commitment comes naturally and without jealousy, but the sexual aspect is tricky. It could be due to the sexual abuse I have suffered, and his ex gf (a different ex) who made a point to jump everyone who wanted her behind his back, leading to some serious health concerns. I don't know.

As I said, the rules are flexible. Had P stuck around, maybe we'd be a triad now in every way, and house hunting. She WAS perfect. Until she wasn't. One never knows if lightning will strike twice.
 
XYZ123 said:
The sexual aspect is tricky.
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I totally get that! LOL It seems the farther I move away from my old vanilla social background and towards a sex-positive environment, the more closed off I am in my ability to enjoy things I used to. Not physical sex, but the whole area of sexuality and eroticism. It's like my newly-discovered relationship with my own sexuality can't handle what is all around me, and is going into hiding. I get bothered by the strangest stuff now. I'm super sensitive, but am learning to have fun with it. :)

Sorry for the tangent.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
It's like my newly-discovered relationship with my own sexuality can't handle what is all around me, and is going into hiding. I get bothered by the strangest stuff now. I'm super sensitive, but am learning to have fun with it.
Click to expand...

A whole new voyage of self-discovery, eh? It's interesting what else crops up when we begin communicating with others in a different fashion and build our relationships in a new fashion. Even somebody as mono as you, when dealing with a poly relationship approach, it appears lots of other self-realization and development follows. Way cool!

And the use of humor in dealing with it speaks well of you.
 
I'm actually pretty sexually liberal. So long as no one is being used, abused, or hurt, it's fine with me what goes on behind closed doors. It's only in regards to me and my lover(s) that I feel I have any right to have opinions and comfort zones.
 
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