Guilt and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Ostrich

Active member
I know I've posted up some feel good stuff on my blog thread another section of this site and all of that is still true (read about it here). As background to those who have not had the pleasure of reading my adventures in practicing polyam, this week, we (the boys and I) are having another cabin trip this week. Professor, Rock The Vote (RTV) and Teach will be there. Over the past year, I have gotten intellectually and emotionally closer to both Professor and RTV. So much so that I asked for a morning cuddle session with them both during the trip. I do not plan to have sex during the cuddle session, but want to be with them both at the same time for some intimate bonding. They agreed to host me for a morning get-together. I told DAG of my intentions and he is OK with it. Good to go so far.

However, I am feeling some guilt (or guilt adjacent) about this particular scenario. Due to my adverse reaction to DAG's exploration of polyam in the past, I am feeling some form of guilt (or maybe it's remorse) regarding my exploration and planning an intimate get-together with two guys whom I care about. To my credit, I have done a lot of work regarding my relationship to DAG and how I have emotionally reconnected to him in a more healthy way. I do not have any 'ownership' or exclusivity claims (other than the relationship itself). In a nutshell, here's where I find myself: 'Damn, I had some serious issues and gave DAG hell about his exploration, but now that I have the option to jump in to a polyam situation, I am all for it.' WTF? Maybe it's my sense of fairness to DAG. Full disclosure, DAG wants some intimate time with Teach during the trip, so there's that.

I plan to discuss this today with my therapist, but wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this emotion when planning out your own get-together with a romantic partner.
 
Hi Ostrich,

In the past, I have had some jealous attitudes towards my metamour, and I regret that now. I had some bad attitudes in general, and regret all of that. One cannot step aboard a time machine, and go back and fix things. I am just lucky that most of the people I wronged forgave me. Both of my V companions treat me really well, and I am grateful for that.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Thanks Kevin. My guilt isn't about having bad feelings towards someone, it's about my general reaction to the whole 'open marriage' situation. That's what happens when you don't talk about opening up a relationship at all. All the insecurity, envy, jealousy and other negative feelings. Truthfully, I don't have guilt or regret about my feelings during that time. What I am curious about is my feeling of guilt now. I was so against the idea of open marriage then and I showed it. And now? I am open to ENM and am currently pursuing two relationships outside of my marriage. The guilt comes now when I have some strong, positive feelings for someone and I remember how against it I was over two years ago.

Maybe I should congratulate myself for growth and understanding myself and DAG, better, instead of feeling guilty about how I now approach an open relationship.
 
I'd use it to inform my future actions. There may be times that you experience discomfort in future, but whether you allow that to pump the brakes is up to you.

You know that you'll experience this guilt if you do. You'll have to weigh up I'd feeling this is better than the discomfort of your partner sharing intimacy with others.

Yes, this sequence of events has been unfair to DAG. It is what it is. There's a chance you can alter actions to prevent things going this way again.

It's when this behavior becomes a pattern of interfering in and breaking up your partners' other relationships while basking in polyamory that it starts to speak of your character IMO.
 
Hi Ostrich,

I wonder if it's possible you're still having some reservations about open/poly, on a subconscious level ... and if so, is the guilt a form of torn feelings about whether you can/should embrace open/poly as you seem to be doing. Like maybe (on some subconscious level), you are thinking, "It wasn't right for DAG, so it also isn't right for me." The thought would be unconscious, but you'd be experiencing it on an emotional level (as guilt). If my theory is correct.

Just a thought,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Ostrich,

I wonder if it's possible you're still having some reservations about open/poly, on a subconscious level ... and if so, is the guilt a form of torn feelings about whether you can/should embrace open/poly as you seem to be doing. Like maybe (on some subconscious level), you are thinking, "It wasn't right for DAG, so it also isn't right for me." The thought would be unconscious, but you'd be experiencing it on an emotional level (as guilt). If my theory is correct.

Just a thought,
Kevin T.
Kevin,
Possibly that's the case. I had a really good conversation last night with DAG regarding our plans for an upcoming trip this weekend. He wants to spend some intimate time with a fellow traveler on the trip. I had been harboring some feelings about envy towards him spending time with someone else. I opened up to him and told him about the possibility of me being envious and that I have a strategy to deal with it. He was happy to hear it and was happy I allowed myself to explain how I felt. Just that act alone alleviated my feelings of guilt. So maybe it was me feeling guilty about being envious and not necessarily guilt about my what I want out of any polyam relationship. I know, I'm coming across as confused. To be fair, I've had issues in the past in identifying emotions and identifying what is causing those emotions. I'm still a work in progress, but I feel good about my progress.

I really appreciate the feedback though. For me, it always seems to be a deeper cause of my emotions that what I first think or identify.
 
I can see how the guilt could be stemming from your feelings of envy. It is good that you had a heart-to-heart with DAG about it. I think as you continue to probe your thoughts and feelings (and interact with the folks here on this forum), you will be able to get some emotional relief.
 
You mean DAG is going to have sex with someone on your trip? And yet, you guys haven't had sex in 2 years, right? This sounds like a problem to me, from here.
 
However, I am feeling some guilt (or guilt adjacent) about this particular scenario. Due to my adverse reaction to DAG's exploration of polyam in the past, I am feeling some form of guilt (or maybe it's remorse) regarding my exploration and planning an intimate get-together with two guys whom I care about. To my credit, I have done a lot of work regarding my relationship to DAG and how I have emotionally reconnected to him in a more healthy way. I do not have any 'ownership' or exclusivity claims (other than the relationship itself). In a nutshell, here's where I find myself: 'Damn, I had some serious issues and gave DAG hell about his exploration, but now that I have the option to jump in to a polyam situation, I am all for it.' WTF? Maybe it's my sense of fairness to DAG. Full disclosure, DAG wants some intimate time with Teach during the trip, so there's that.

I plan to discuss this today with my therapist, but wanted to know if anyone else has experienced this emotion when planning out your own get-together with a romantic partner.

I think you’re overlaying thoughts and feeling to a situation that happened yrs ago and trying to make a fair comparison or moral comparison That where the guilt or remorse is coming from. THE difference IMO is the context and structural facts are different. The players are different …you‘re different. That was more of a snapshot in time. Could you have handled it better back then ….maybe. Is it worth dwelling on now ? Is it the destination or the journey ?

ALSO THANK YOU for the title you reminded me I need to service my motorcycle for spring 😝👍😝
 
You mean DAG is going to have sex with someone on your trip? And yet, you guys haven't had sex in 2 years, right? This sounds like a problem to me, from here.
Mags. There could have been an opportunity for him to have sex with Teach on this trip. It didn't happen, mainly because Teach had a +1, so no shenanigans there. I made arrangements to cuddle with RTV and the Professor, but their bed was too small. So that didn't happen either. I was very clear with them that it would be cuddles only, no sexual engagements.

Regarding DAG having sex with Teach. I told DAG well before the trip that if sex happened between those two, I would be envious, but I wouldn't cause any problems or freak out. Yes, not having sex with my spouse for two years is awful. I've had extensive discussions with DAG about it, we've brought it up with our marriage counselor and I've discussed it with my counselor. Basically, before DAG is comfortable with having sex with me, I need to be more consistent in managing my emotions and discussing my emotions with him before things build up inside me and then I have an emotional explosion. I am getting better in managing my emotions and DAG has noticed, but I need to keep at it in order to give DAG the comfort level he needs.

@dingedheart you are absolutely correct about this being a different situation with different people, so I shouldn't have any guilt. After I spoke to DAG about how I might be envious if DAG and Teach had sex, the guilt went away. So maybe my 'guilt' or 'remorse' was not assigned correctly.
 
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