Irony Is Dead

[Ostrich]

My journey through the polyamory forest has been bumpy to say the least. Through my bad communication skills, and my husbands full bore forward approach to making himself happy in life, we find ourselves in a very different and very unplanned space in our relationship. With that very broad background, I will pick a couple of particular spots which has played out in the background of everything else in our life together.

When he first started dating his boyfriends, I wasn't sure how to deal with it, so I asked for a DADT policy. All I wanted to know was when he arrived safely at his destination, and when he was on his way home. I didn't want to know anything else, especially about his sexual activities. I did this to protect myself, and to protect him from any emotional outbursts I might have. In a way, I was trying to protect us both emotionally.

He argued against it, as he felt he would be leading a secret life and he wanted someone to talk about any issues he was having in his other relationships.

I agreed, and we began having conversations about his relationship issues with his boyfriend.

Several months have past and several very lively discussions have taken place in relation to his other loves. Full disclosure, I still have issues with one of his boyfriends, and I haven't been easy to deal with (but I have been respectful) in my responses and reactions to his issues.

We are seeing a marriage counselor, and those sessions have been a big help. I've been able to identify what needs work in my life, and how to approach certain issues.

Due to my reactions, he has now implemented his DADT policy, as he wants to protect himself from potential emotional reactions I might have. There is evidently a relationship issue with one of his boyfriends, but he refuses to talk about it, telling me it doesn't involve me (but maybe affects me?) (If it doesn't involve me, then why the worry over how I will react? Things that make you go hmmmmm). He is now leading the secret life that he didn't want in the first place. I told him months ago about why I wanted DADT. Now he seems to accept that maybe it wasn't a bad idea to begin with.

 

[Ostrich]

The Rocky Road to Weirdness

So let's start from the beginning.

My husband and I met each other online over 10 years ago. We chatted for a few years before we meet in person. When we met, there definitely was a connection. We decided from that point forward we would get more serious with our relationship. I was drawn to him, because he had qualities I wanted in my life. Very outgoing, has a big personality, intelligent and quick witted. Not to mention I thought, and still think, he is very good looking.

Almost 4 years ago, we got married. I wanted the commitment. A solid base from which I could, and we could, build a very solid future. During our engagement period, and in the beginning of our marriage, we agreed that we would only play together. We would not play on our own. So far so good. The people we chose were compatible with both of us, and we with them.

Then I started to lose interest in sex. I wasn't sure what was causing it. I went to my GP and my counselor to try to address it. I also found a company which did HRT. I hoped the therapy would address my sexual issues.

It didn't.

In the meantime, my husband met someone else online, and hit it off well enough with them. Within a few weeks, he informed me they intended to have sex, so he would have an outlet.

I agreed, because I didn't want to deny him sexual pleasure. If I am unable to satisfy him in bed, then I was OK with him seeking gratification elsewhere. As long as he kept me informed (which he did), then all was good, even if our threesome rule was no longer valid.

A few months go by, and my GP final figures out what might be causing my lack of libido. A high estrogen level was causing the issue. But by then, the 'play together only' horse was out of the barn and of course, there was no way to get it back in.

I was not jealous or upset about this new arrangement, because again, we had agreed upon it. I did not consider this situation to be a threat, because I knew this person was ultimately not my husband's type.

However, in hindsight, we made a serious mistake at this point. He and I never established boundaries, and I never verbalized my wants. I made assumptions which would later prove to be a HUGE stumbling point, and cause both of us some emotional pain. I'll provide details later.

My husband then wanted to explore the BDSM side of his sexuality. Not with me, because I was, and still am, inexperienced with the things he wanted to get into. He posted his profile on a BDSM app, and soon got a hit. They met, and hit it off. Again, I was OK with this, because we agreed he could explore this with someone with more experience.

Here's where it went off the rails.

The play partner, FistiCuffs (FC) wanted my husband to meet their partner. Which was a logical move, because what if FC wanted to play at their house? They certainly wouldn't want a stranger in their house.

So the three met over dinner. According to my husband, he almost immediately bonded with the other partner, Bruiser. Husband and Bruiser agreed to meet out for drinks at a later date. My husband told me about the connection and follow up date. I was OK with it, as I made the assumption my husband would take that relationship to a certain point, and go no further. I was dead wrong.

I'll pause the story here to say this. I had and still have, communication issues. I was raised to not ask questions, and learned to not ask for what I wanted, as I was always told no. So if 'no' was always the answer, then why ask? Also, I employed partial, or selective hearing and had very bad comprehension skills (although I'm getting better at this). It's been a tough road to unlearn these very bad habits, but I have made some progress.

At this point in the story, I should've more fully comprehended what was going on, and been able to verbalize my wants and boundaries to my husband about his budding relationship with the other partner. It didn't happen.

It's been an uphill battle for both of us from this point forward. Because he kept me current about his doings with these two, he assumed I understood the situation and was OK with it, as I didn't voice any doubts or concerns and basically gave him my consent. Again, we never discussed boundaries or wants, except his wants from these two relationships.

I'll continue this in another post. I will say this: Through all of this I have learned some very valuable lessons. Also, I have learned that the best teacher is tough events, and tough situations. I have found out more about myself than I would have if I had stayed in my comfort zone.

Thanks for reading.

 

[Ostrich]

That F***ing Night

To continue, here's the exact point where I realized I didn't want to have anything to do with my husband's relationships, and realized how far his relationships had advanced with FC, and Bruiser. For clarity, FC, and Bruiser are a couple. I want to be sure I am clear on this, in case I wasn't in the previous post.

So, one night late last year, I was invited to participate in a BDSM with my husband. I wanted to spectate, as I wanted to see what went on during a session. I fully enjoyed watching. Seriously, it was fun to watch my husband have fun. I learned a lot, and I think it was good for both of us to have a better understanding of each other. Great so far.

Afterward, I was invited to go to the FC's house. This is where I should have declined, and gone home. If I had done that, then my relationship with my husband would have remained as it was. Sometimes being an ostrich has it's advantages.

But no, I accepted the invite, and went along. We arrive, and my husband is immediately summoned to see Bruiser in a separate room in their house. I do not even see Bruiser the whole evening. The situation was very unsettling. FC kept me company, but all we did was watch TV, without really speaking with each other.

After their meeting, my husband and I drove home. The next morning I was still feeling very unsettled. It is then that I realize I wanted nothing to do with that situation, nor with Bruiser and FC. I realized I didn't sign up for Bruiser to enter the picture. All I signed up for was FC. While I was OK with my husband to have a friendship with Bruiser, all I had emotional room for was FC. After all, I only agreed to a relationship with FC, not Bruiser as an addition.

I shut everything down on my side. Disconnected myself from FC and Bruiser. Had a shouting match with my husband when he got home that night. He was obviously not happy with my actions, but I did it to protect me emotionally. I did not ask him to end his relationship with Bruiser (I did later though). These relationships are about his happiness, not mine.

It only got uglier from there. Who's the bad guy? I'm the bad guy. I take full responsibility for my actions, and make no excuses. The positive out of this was realizing my boundaries and wants. Also realizing how to verbalize those to my husband, although that's an ordeal in and of itself.

Gods this is cathartic.

 

[Evie]

Hi Ostrich, you write really well. I'm "all ears" (eyes) to your unfolding story. Could you possibly nickname each person for slightly easier following?

Honestly, it's a bit rude to invite you to their house for the first time then not hang out as a group. I wouldn't have seen that coming either!

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi Ostrich, you write really well. I'm "all ears" (eyes) to your unfolding story. Could you possibly nickname each person for slightly easier following?

Honestly, it's a bit rude to invite you to their house for the first time then not hang out as a group. I wouldn't have seen that coming either!

I'm reading, and I agree with Evie.

Ostrich, I am just curious if you are male, female or some other gender, if you don't mind sharing. Thanks.

 

[Ostrich]

Hi Ostrich, you write really well. I'm "all ears" (eyes) to your unfolding story. Could you possibly nickname each person for slightly easier following?

Honestly, it's a bit rude to invite you to their house for the first time then not hang out as a group. I wouldn't have seen that coming either!

Evie, thank you for the feedback. I can be a little cruel when it comes to assigning nicks to people, but I will try to think of something nice.

To your point about my visit. IIRC, it WAS my first time to their house and NintendoWhore (see? I'm awful) never came downstairs to say hi. After that incident, I realized I was done with the whole situation. To be fair, the four of us had dinner out one night, and I at least got the chance to say hello. But by my choice, my interactions with him have been very, very limited.

 

[Ostrich]

I'm reading, and I agree with Evie.

Ostrich, I am just curious if you are male, female or some other gender, if you don't mind sharing. Thanks.

I have considered listing my gender, but since I do not know if my metamours also frequent this board, I am keeping references to gender intentionally vague.

However, I suspect if they do review posts here, they cannot mistake the situations I have written about for anyone else's. They would know who I am. So I might make my gender known at some point, once I feel more comfortable.

 

[Magdlyn]

I have considered listing my gender, but since I do not know if my metamours also frequent this board, I am keeping references to gender intentionally vague.

However, I suspect if they do review posts here, they cannot mistake the situations I have written about for anyone else's. They would know who I am. So I might make my gender known at some point, once I feel more comfortable.

That's fine, I respect your wishes. Welcome to the board. If you want any feedback about any of your issues with polyamory, BDSM, DADT, etc., feel free to start a thread in Relationships. Generally, you will not receive much feedback here, unless you ask for it.

 

[Ostrich]

Come On Ride The Train

Oooofa! I'm on a roll.

So through all this, we have been seeing an open minded marriage counselor. They've been wonderful. They even recommended reading 'The Ethical Slut', which we were already getting into. So we are getting help, and it's working. I do want this marriage to work, but I am not naive enough to think we will get back to anything resembling what we had a few years ago. It has changed beyond what either of us imagined.

So the sex. Husband (oh hell, I'll call him DAG) was having sex with both FC and Bruiser. Again, during the time which I was working to resolve my own physical sexual issue. DAG told me that he and Bruiser were getting emotionally closer, to the point they both knew sex was inevitable, it was just a matter of when. DAG and FC played a few times, but it was more in a D/s situation, than a romantic situation. At one point, DAG and FC played at our house. I was fine with that, because at least I knew DAG was exploring his 'dark' side (I am not into kink shaming, everybody has their individual preferences, and should not be judged for it), and again, I agreed with the exploration.

It did bother me that DAG was having sex with Bruiser. Part of it was NRE. NRE is fucking annoying. JFC, you'd thought these two were still in junior high school. I could list all sorts of examples of their behavior, but I think people on this board are very familiar with NRE, so I don't think examples are necessary.

Part of that is jealousy. To dig deeper into that, I looked at it as 'why isn't he doing those things with me?', not the 'I don't want him doing that with them' type of jealousy.

The last part of is was: DAG and I did not discuss boundaries regarding sex. I was extremely angry at myself for being so disconnected and oblivious, that I could not see that sex with someone outside of an agreed arrangement was a possibility. A very hard lesson learned.

For the most part, I have gotten over the anger and jealousy, but not without a cost to our relationship. More on that later.

Back to the sex. According to DAG, he and Bruiser only had sex three times. He has not provided a number on his sexual encounters with FC. But again, that particular number doesn't bother me. There's been some sexually suggestive actions happen in front of me (or literally behind me). I didn't realize hands-down-pants in public was a thing. If I had any idea DAG liked that, I would have been doing it to him from the get go.

Does anyone here share audio files of sexual encounters with their lovers, with their partners? Just checking to see if that's a thing too. Because that seems to be a thing with these three. Again, had I known...

Sex between DAG and I has been sporadic, due to DAG's physical condition. So now the shoe is on the other foot. I'm cured of my physical issues around sex, and now he's not nearly as ready for sex as he has been in the past. I think we've had sex twice since January of 2020.

In exploring the philosophies behind poly or non-mono, I did run across this little gem regarding sex:

My partner is not responsible for my sexual satisfaction. I am the only one responsible for that. Conversely, I am not responsible for my partners sexual satisfaction. They and they alone are responsible for that. I've taken that to heart. If DAG is not ready, I'm taking matters into my own hand. Or hands, as the case may be. Or getting my own play partner, to be posted later.

 

[Ostrich]

That's fine, I respect your wishes. Welcome to the board. If you want any feedback about any of your issues with polyamory, BDSM, DADT, etc., feel free to start a thread in Relationships. Generally, you will not receive much feedback here, unless you ask for it.

Thanks Mags! I want to air out my experience in a blog form, as I understand this particular board does not allow judgement or more negative feedback (did I read the directions incorrectly?). I have been no angel in this journey, but there are still some trigger points and sore spots which I would rather not have shoved back in my face. I get it, I made huge mistakes, and have taken rather extreme measures to adjust for those mistakes.

Please know I respect your feedback, thank you for providing!!

 

[Evie]

Part of that is jealousy. To dig deeper into that, I looked at it as 'why isn't he doing those things with me?', not the 'I don't want him doing that with them' type of jealousy.

We tend to describe that as envy. It's a handy distinction.

Your blog can't be 100% sacrosanct and immune to negative comments, this is the internet after all, but if something is really out of line, you can report the comment to the mods. Unfortunately, that means you'll have read it first, but honestly, no-one is likely to be super harsh.

 

[Ostrich]

My Extreme Swings

This isn't about what you think (Gotcha!).

Starting in November, I started opening up, and trying to fully accept the (at the time) poly situation.

DAG and I were invited to Thanksgiving at Bruiser's and FC's house. At first, I didn't want to go, because fuck that. I was not in the mindset of going. DAG persisted in getting me to go. I went, but I did it because I eventually came around, and actually wanted to go.

I had a good time, because I was in a good mindset about his polyness. We were there Thanksgiving Day, and then the next afternoon/evening for Game Night.

But soon after my nasty imagination, jealousy and envy got me. I allowed myself to fall into a funk and again, didn't want to have anything to do with DAG's new loves. I imagined all sorts of nefarious plots by Bruiser to horn in on my relationship with DAG. DAG told me that is not the case, and that his relationship with me was prime, and his affections for Bruiser and FC were secondary. I found comfort in that, but again, NRE was showing me otherwise. At least that's what I was allowing myself to see.

In December, we were invited to FC's birthday party. Again, I went and again, I had a good time. Same story, different month, I allowed myself to fall back into my funk. Even sessions with our marriage counselor didn't see to be doing me any good. I couldn't allow myself to accept the fact that we were in a poly relationship, with me being mono. I wanted DAG and I to be in relationships together, not he having his, and me having mine.

I now have accepted the fact that will probably not happen. Ever.

More background about me. I have always had a negative self image. I've never thought of myself as desirable, or cute, or good looking, or beautiful. My face is asymmetrical, my nose is misshapen, my ears too big. Good teeth though. I guess that's something. I was skinny, and my mom dressed me funny. So yeah, very little self confidence. I had no idea what DAG saw in me. He's told me why he loves me, which centers around me being a solid provider. His rock. What I lack in quick wittiness, I make up for in hard work. He sees this.

Which is the big reason I was insecure in seeing DAG with his lovers. I also did not want to get back into the dating pool, because who would want to date a middle aged, self conscious asshole. So I was getting in the way of myself.

With that, hopefully the reader can have a better understanding of my actions. I was letting myself feel left behind. In reality, I wasn't being left behind, as DAG was paying attention to me. In my self loathing and with my really nasty imagination, I was lashing out at DAG. Very unfairly. It was not only affecting him, but his relationships with his lovers. While I have no proof, I am fairly certain he was sharing instances of my craziness with them.

There was even talk of us separating. Twice. I told you this was ugly, and that I am asshole.

I was tired. Physically and mentally. I decided to do something about it, and here was the catalyst.

Bruiser and I have at least one thing in common (I don't give a flying fig if I ever know if we have anything else in common, except our mutual love for DAG). We are video gamers. I know they like fighting games (Mortal Kombat), and I love open world games (I would have Fallout tattooed on my ass, if I had room for it). Out of the blue, Bruiser invites me to their house to play a game one afternoon. I was excited. My husband's lover inviting me over to play with them. Keep in mind this was the same day that my husband and FC were playing hide the salami (among other foreign objects) in our basement.

I accepted the invite, but couldn't figure out the logistics of traveling to and from their house, and have enough time to play a video game. Bruiser suggested we play at our house.

I freaked. I was not about to play a video game at my house while both of our partners were in the basement, having carnal knowledge. All four of us knowing what the other 3 were doing. Again I. DID. NOT. SIGN. UP. FOR. THIS.

I doubled my efforts to figure out a way to make the logistics work for playing at Bruiser's house. Still not making it work, I backed out, saying we could play later in the week. Later that night, I gave Bruiser the truth about why l backed out. They were not happy with me, as I should have been up front with them on the reason why.

That pretty much did it for me. From that time on, I wanted nothing to do with Bruiser. I sabotaged myself with that date. If I fucked up with something as simple as a video game date, then imagine what I would do if we tried to arrange the two of us going out for dinner.

This happened in January of this year. I think I have seen Bruiser twice since then, and both times were not pleasant.

But at least I was taking steps to distance myself from something of which I didn't want to be a part. This event also lead to very bad situation which again, I created. Go me! More to come...

 

[Ostrich]

The Rule

Yes, it's true, I made a Rule.

I am begging the reader forgiveness ahead of reading this, because this is really bad, and I feel bad. I should have read and understood one of the tenets of poly. First do not make rules, make boundaries. Second, do not make rules with your meta, make boundaries with your primary partner. I should have known about this basic rule, but I was ignorant. So forgive me reader, as I had no fucking clue as to what I was doing.

I think I've said this earlier, but just in case, Bruiser likes rough sex. At least that's what DAG has told me. DAG is no stranger to rough sex, but up to a certain point. Also as a reminder, my imagination is a sick, twisted imagination.

My biggest worry was the health of DAG. Bruises can be a detriment to ones health, and I was not hep to DAG having bruises. Especially after sex with someone else. Guess what I did next. Yup.

After the video game date disaster, I sent a text to Bruiser, stating that all I wanted from our relationship was just a passing acknowledgement that we were in the same room together. I wasn't interested in pursuing any kind of relationship with them. Then I did the deed.

I sent the rule about not bruising DAG during sex, or at all. I was not having it. I sent this without DAGs knowledge. So all sorts of tenets were broken before 7 am one morning in January.

I cemented my place in the Asshole For Life Hall of Fame.

Of course Bruiser shows DAG the string of text messages from me. To their credit, Bruiser did not rain fire from above on me. They had every right to do so and should have.

DAG read me the riot act. How dare I make a rule limiting someone's happiness. How dare I take ownership of someone else's body. How dare I not talk to him before sending that kind of text to my meta. How dare I live and breathe (no, he didn't say that).

I have no excuse for doing what I did. Even not knowing common courtesy about communicating with others is no excuse.

Of course I apologized. Four months later. It was truly a sincere apology though. I was not sarcastic, or mean, or any other negative, derogatory connotation. It was probably my best apology ever.

They have not acknowledge receipt of said apology, much less told me they either accepted or rejected it. It's been two months since I gave them the apology and I don't fucking care. It's out there, and they can do with it as they please. I did what was necessary, and have moved on.

I think the next thing I will post about is the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

 

[Ostrich]

The St. Valentine's Day Massacre

Enough about Bruiser.

I now want to concentrate on FistiCuffs. I am actually cool with them, or I should say I have no problem with them. They were part of the agreement I had with DAG on his play dates. When we met, we hit it off well enough. He didn't come across as an axe murderer, so I gave the thumbs up to DAG. Not that DAG needed my approval, but it helped that I at least felt comfortable with his presence.

Even during DAG's surgery, they were very supportive to me. Checking in with me periodically to ensure I was holding up, as FC noted that caregivers don't receive enough support given the work involved in keeping the patient well.

Nice, right?

It was the day after DAG's surgery, and I was out and about getting Valentine's Day gifts for my spouse. I was going to make DAGs happy by giving him a good Valentines Day. FC called to check on me. We talked for an hour, while I was in the Target parking lot. During that conversation, I told them I'd like to have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with them, as I thought we could be good friends.

Jesus the fuck. He tells me all he wants to do is come home after work, cook dinner and take care of their dog. He says he won't have time to follow up on three relationships, so no, there won't be any 'deep relationship' between us anytime soon.

I get it. He can do whatever he wants. He doesn't even need to acknowledge my existence. I thought I'd at least show my interest in having a good friendship with them, instead of a casual, across-the-room-nod-in-their-general-direction relationship.

I was very hurt. I actually tried. Seriously, through all this bullshit, I wanted to have something good come out of this (I actually spoke up about it), and was willing to work on it. But it wasn't meant to be. So I massacred that want.

I am sure FC and Bruiser have talked about my actions through all of this, and came to a mutual decision to keep their distance. I don't blame them. I have been inconsistent in accepting invites to their klatches and my behavior has been wildly off the rails regarding their relationships with DAG.

So I did this. I wrote to them both, saying they are more than welcome to come by the house for whatever reason, whether they want to see DAG or the both of us. I meant it. Seriously, I'd like them to visit every now and then. Hell, I'll even disappear while they meet with DAG. It's not like they want to see me anyway.

However, neither of them feel comfortable in coming to our house for any reason. FC has been over twice to see DAG for a few minutes. They even came inside on the second visit. We exchanged greetings and pleasantries, then we went our separate ways. I did not eat FC like post-coital praying mantis, so at least they know I'm cool with them dropping by.

So this is where we are at. DAG has to drive to their house to see them. They won't come to our house, unless it's the last resort. DAG is upset that it's this way. He thinks if we all sat down and talk it out, things would get worked out. Maybe, but this isn't the episode of the Andy Griffith Show where Aunt Bea sat down with the Russians in the kitchen to iron out international diplomacy. As if the Russians would be caught dead in Mayberry. Especially after the St. Valentine's Day Massacre.

 

[Ostrich]

De-Escalation and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance

Ever see the movie 'Happiness'? Dylan Baker and Cynthia Stevenson starred.

To me, the point of the movie is 'You think it's bad now, wait, it gets worse'.

Yeah, this gets worse.

De-escalation. I'm really trying to get into the heart of why I did it. Was it because it was easier for me to deal with DAGs pursuit of romantic relationships outside of our marriage? Was it because I held DAG as a 'possession, and needed to let go? Was it because I felt left behind and thought it would help me process that feeling in a more healthy way?

Let's just go with all three.

I knew my side of the relationship with DAG needed to change. I was having a very hard time reconciling the fact that he was married to me, but yet sharing more of his romantic and sexual side with others. I think his matter-of-fact approach to this also had a hand in my decision to de-escalate. It is as if him having two people in his life, which significantly affected our relationship, was somehow expected, or normal. Almost to a point of 'Well, deal with it' attitude from him.

One a bright morning this past June, I dropped the bomb on him. I told him I did not hold him in the same regard as when we were first married. After a few days of thinking about it, I decided I could no longer love him in that special way, and have him in that singular space in my heart.

I decided the only way to deal with my frayed relationship with him was to put it in a more 'normal' spot, assigned to my very good and best friends. Yes, I friend-zoned him.

Was it drastic? Yes. Was it needed? From my perspective, yes. I felt at the time (and still do) that it helps me distance myself, my emotions, from this situation. Instead of putting him in a primary significant other space and trying to deal with his romantic relationships, it has been easier in seeing him in the light of a best friend, and dealing with these entanglements from that perspective.

I can now let go of some of the baggage of 'primary significant other'. He can do what he wants, and I won't put myself through the wringer. If he wants to spend a holiday with one of his lovers, he can do so without me lashing out. If he wants to bring in other loves, then he can do so without static from me. I'll ask questions, but I won't try to stop him. After all, I am his best friend, not his primary significant other.

As one could guess, DAG was devastated. How could I do this without talking to him first? Why didn't I bring this up with him earlier in my thought process? Why? Because I knew he would try to talk me down from a ledge. A ledge I knew I would climb out on again and again and again, if he kept talking me off of it. Just do the damn thing and repair it afterward, if you want to repair it.

The amount of love I have for him hasn't changed (since it's not quantifiable in the first place), it's the way that I love him which has changed. And that major paradigm shift has improved my mental state and ability to process how he feels for others. Again, he can still do what he wants, but I've changed how I handle those wants by reassigning how I love him.

At least motorcycles weren't hurt during the making of this decision.

 

[Ostrich]

The Return Of Geyser

My very first true love. We met at a bar, and immediately hit it off. Geyser was beautiful. Great build, great looks, and a laid back personality which said 'I'm yours'.

We moved in together, and stayed that way for two years. The relationship went south, but we had a friendly break up and have remained good friends for almost 25 years. We come in and out of each others lives, either on purpose, or by accident. This last time span lasted three years. DAG and I had just gotten married, and were living in our old house.

Since then, DAG and I have since remodeled our old home, had a new home built while still trying to sell our old house, sold the old place and moved into the new place, all the while dealing with the fallout from our pseudo-poly relationship.

Side bar: In reading 'The Ethical Slut', the authors made a rather presumptuous statement about why people want multiple lovers/partners in their lives, because people want their lives to be complicated. Fuck you.

One day, I get a card in the mail from Geyser. I was happily surprised to get it. They sent the card, because they did not have my phone number or email address and they wanted their friends to know they were OK especially during this pandemic.

In the card, they provide their email address, so I send a note. I receive a response, and we email back and forth with updates and phone numbers.

From that, Geyser has now officially met DAG in person. They hit it off, for which I am grateful. This makes it that much easier to pursue Geyser.

Yes, I said 'pursue'.

The reader is probably screaming at their computer screen about how I'm not ready for any kind of multiple romantic entanglements with anybody.

And you might be right. I may be crazy. But it just may be a lunatic you're looking for.

Fuck it. Not only has the poly-horse left the mono-barn, DAG and I nuked that barn from orbit, just to be sure. Neither DAG nor I can erase the events of the last 8 months. It's not like we can start over. So if he wants to pursue romantic relationships with others outside of our marriage, so the fuck can I.

And I want to do so. With Geyser.

I've had this conversation with DAG and our marriage counselor, and with DAG separately. Both are fully aware of the possibility of me having a full blown romantic and sexual relationship with Geyser. Geyser is also aware of my feelings. I am keeping everybody informed as we move forward.

Geyser and I have met in person a couple of times without anyone else present. They came to the house once and it was just the two of us. We had a great conversation about DAG and his wants, Geyser's wants, and my wants. Geyser and I decided to work on our friendship, and see where it goes. We are not presuming anything. We are still physically attracted to each other, as we were both getting aroused during Geyser's visit to our home. Nothing happened. We didn't even kiss goodbye at the end of the visit.

Again, DAG knows sex with Geyser is possible. He seems OK with it. Both have expressed to me separately that they are not sexually attracted to the other. To me, that makes things less emotionally charged. I would definitely be uncomfortable if this triangle became as emotionally explosive as the triangle DAG has with FistiCuffs and Bruiser.

Even the idea of having this relationship makes me happy. I am no longer solely dependent on DAG for emotional support. Because of my self consciousness and shyness, DAGs friends would (for the most part) become my friends. I wouldn't allow myself to make friends on my own. Now, He might not be the sole best friend in my life. I'm working to have another person in my life to share my intimate thoughts. I no longer feel 'left out' from pursuing a pseudo-poly relationship. If DAG can have his, I feel empowered to have mine.

Also, since I've known Geyser for decades, the dreaded NRE monster won't rear it's ugly head anytime soon.

I'll keep the reader updated as this moves forward. I'll also be sharing some of my deeper feelings as I process them.

Thank you for reading!

 

[MeeraReed]

If you are looking for forum members to reply & give advice, you might want to post about your situation in the Poly Relationship Corner section of the forum. That's where people seek advice for their problems with poly relationships.

The blog section is fine if you just want to process/vent/post about your daily life. It's sort of considered rude to give advice in the blog section...like, people aren't going to be replying here to give you suggestions about what you should do, that would be considered intrusive.

So, if you are specifically looking for advice/wanting input from forum members, the blog section isn't the best place to seek it. But, I can't tell if you are seeking advice specifically, or if you are happy just posting about your struggles here without wanting advice.

 

[Ostrich]

If you are looking for forum members to reply & give advice, you might want to post about your situation in the Poly Relationship Corner section of the forum. That's where people seek advice for their problems with poly relationships.

The blog section is fine if you just want to process/vent/post about your daily life. It's sort of considered rude to give advice in the blog section...like, people aren't going to be replying here to give you suggestions about what you should do, that would be considered intrusive.

So, if you are specifically looking for advice/wanting input from forum members, the blog section isn't the best place to seek it. But, I can't tell if you are seeking advice specifically, or if you are happy just posting about your struggles here without wanting advice.

Thanks Meera! I am looking for a public spot to vent privately. LOL!!

Seriously though, I am open to people posting questions or comments about my ramblings as they wish. I might even answer them. However, this is me venting, and getting it out in the universe. I am also hoping those who read this, learn something from my path through all...this.

 

[Ostrich]

Bruiser Loves DAG, Bruiser Loves DAG NaNaNa Neener

I should have seen this one coming from a mile away. And I did.

Way back when in 2019 (I think it was around DAGs birthday), DAG, Bruiser, Fisticuffs and I went to the movies.

Before we went to the movies, there was some discussion among them about seating arrangements. Yes, there was some serious consideration about whom would sit next to whom. Jaysus Fookin Christmas! Even in my fucked up responses to this world, there was some serious eye rolling on my part about this.

This was my first clue there was envy and jealousy among those who were far more experienced at poly than I. It was also a clue how seriously in love Bruiser was with DAG. The second clue was at dinner after the movie. We were in a booth, DAG and I on one side, with Bruiser and FC on the other. DAG and FC sat across from each other, with me across from Bruiser.

Holy shit, you would have thought I reinstated slavery. Bruiser couldn't even make eye contact with me, much less throw a complete sentence in my general direction. Meanwhile, DAG and FC are carrying on like they were at a high school reunion. I interacted with those two the best I could, but there is only so much I can do when Bruiser checked out for the night.

There have been a few other clues between then and now. Bruiser posted up a couple of pictures and narrative on social media regarding their hopes for a poly relationship with DAG. I didn't have a problem with it, until I saw a post by Bruiser which hinted that a poly relationship was in effect, when in fact, DAG told me it was NOT in effect. I believe DAG.

Anyway, a few weeks ago, DAG let it out FC had told him that Bruiser pulls back (emotionally? physically? both? I am going with 'both', especially when I have no proof) whenever FC mentions they will be hanging out with DAG. In other words, Bruiser is either jealous, envious or both. Which leads me to conclude the underlying emotion to those emotions is love. Why would they be jealous or envious if they didn't love DAG?

I am not sure how to feel about this. On one hand, I am shaking my head at this whole thing, on the other, I kinda feel bad for Bruiser. I have no idea if Bruiser has told DAG lately that they love him. So I do not know if Bruiser is holding a huge bonfire of the vanities torch song trilogy for DAG. I gotta ask DAG if the words 'I love you' have been aimed at him from Bruiser.

Why should they carry a torch? Why not let it out? Bruiser is a person who does just about anything they want in the name of 'make yourself happy, do what you want with consideration for others'. Oh, wait, it's DAG who does that. I have no idea if Bruiser has the capacity to take others into consideration or not when they make themselves happy.

I know. As a meta, I shouldn't care. After all, that's not my relationship to tend, or stoke, or keep the flame burning. However, it does affect DAG, who is the one I care about in all this. I'm the one who provides support when things are not going well in his relationships with Bruiser and FC. Although if you see my first post in this blog, DAG has imposed his own version of DADT to protect himself from my emotional fallout (again with the Fallout).

I know, I rambled with no real point of this, except to air it out into the universe. Out of this though, I've put talking with DAG about Bruiser's love of him on the agenda.

Stay tuned!

 

[Magdlyn]

You could save yourself a shit ton of trouble if you went to parallel poly instead of this painful attempt at kitchen table poly. Really.

Block the social media of your metamours. You don't need to be friends with them. You don't need to hang out with them. You say you don't want to see them, but you keep relating instances of hangouts, movies and dinner now, stress over seating arrangements.

Let those 3 in their triad be.

And you really really don't need to be DAG's sounding board for what may go on between his/their relationships with one or the other of his/their partners.

There are so many dyads here, and every single one of those dyads should mind their own business. It would save so much trouble, prevent so many issues, rest those tired eyes that keep rolling to the backs of heads.

You mind the DAG+you dyad. And let DAG air out their grievances to other friends or their counselor. Time with you should be time with you. Not an ongoing counseling session of the awkwardness DAG is having trying to date a couple. Honestly, dating a couple is a ton of trouble. DAG chose it; DAG can deal with it.

I don't wonder at you emotionally distancing yourself from DAG. I broke up with a bf of 2 1/2 years to a large extent because he began to date a married couple, and they were all being so stupid, and he was being so annoying with me with his exaggerated elations one week and his deep depressions the next week, with those 2. The married couple began doing all kinds of shady things in jockeying for his attention, and honestly, my bf was narcissistic enough to enjoy being the bone (pun intended) the two dogs were pulling on. I just got sick of that real fast. It showed me a very ugly side of the bf I thought I knew.