Irony Is Dead

Ostrich

Member
So this is something else that happened during the weekend. DAG and I are members of a private couples group on Facebook. Neither of us have any real interaction with that group, as it's mostly introductions to new members, and little else.

Until this weekend.

Someone in the group posted up a meme about ethical non-monogamy, and asked the group members if they had considered practicing it, or are currently practicing it.

I saw it, and avoided posting a response, as I did not want to put my business out for even a limited group to see.

DAG on the other hand, decided that he really, really needed to let others know he was practicing. What he said burned me to the core.

'So far...so good'

I am still furious. He just minimized our experience in this lifestyle to a pithy, positive statement. To me, basically saying 'It's all guns and roses!'

We have left each other crying at the end of some very, very heated arguments about his romantic relationships. He, Bruiser and Fisticuffs have almost called off their relationships entirely. To this day, I refuse to have anything to do with B and FC, much to DAG's disappointment (and they apparently don't want to have anything to do with me. I'll cry later on). We have talked about separation twice since he started exploring poly. It has been rough, scorching and soul-searching experience. Nothing like 'so far...so good'.

I get it, that's his choice on a) if to respond b) what response to give, if he chooses to do so. If he wants to wash it all off with 'So far...so good', fine.

But since he put it out there for me to see on a couples group (and I remind the reader that we both belong to it), I had to reply (since I am the other half of said 'couple'.

Here it is, in EPIC proportions: 'ORLY'

Please know I could have written the most scathing reply in the history of scathing replies. I could have burned that mutha down. I didn't.

Later that day, he says he saw my response, and said I didn't have to post it. YES I DID, YOU FARTKNOCKER!! (apologies to fartknockers everywhere). I said I have every right to respond, since you decided to post it in the first place. Yes, I could have ignored it all together, but I am not about to let a blatant untruth go unchallenged. What a gut-punch, slap in the face and ass-kicking all at the same time.

This is not finished.

So now my question is this: Do I need to unfriend my husband on FB?
 

Ostrich

Member
What a busy weekend.

This is another post which deserves it's own spot on the Ostrich Hall Of Fame.

It has been officially confirmed. DAG feeds off of conflict. He loves it. It gives him energy. It brings him closer to people. Drama makes him happy. It's another core element of him. He wants to be heard, and loves conflict.

I have suspected this to be the case for quite some time. I never really understood why he stuck with people (including me) after such heated arguments. If I had that type of discussion with someone, they would be on the short list for cancellation (on the flip side of the same coin, why do I stay with him?). I don't like that shit in my life. Yes, conflicts will rise up in relationships. Sometimes conflicts are good, so you can better understand the person with whom you have a relationship. They are also good for overcoming something which has been gnawing at you for months or years.

But there are conflicts which rise out of toxic relationships. Conflicts which should have been resolved in the past, but keep coming up, due to envy, jealousy, inability to comprehend communications, or inability to communicate in the first place.

OK, enough of the fucking soap box.

His love of conflicts is really counter to my personality. One whiff of cray-cray, instability and lies like a lying liar (OK, lying stems from cray-cray and instability), and I am out of there. No questions asked. Done.

Now that I have confirmation of his conflict addiction, I created a boundary. His love of conflict does not usually involve me, but it affects me. If he has a 'lively' discussion with one of his romantics, then I'm the one who has to deal with a wound up DAG.

So if he is wound up, I will leave the room until he is calm enough for me to be around. He'll hate that boundary too, because to him, I help calm him. Nope, not doing it.
 

Bluebird

Active member
So now my question is this: Do I need to unfriend my husband on FB?

Maybe not unfriend him, but just leave groups where you may read some things that upset you.
 

Ostrich

Member
Maybe not unfriend him, but just leave groups where you may read some things that upset you.
I thought about that, but initially rejected it. But now I see the benefit. That group is not that active, and again, many postings are introductions from other couples (Hi! We're (fill in the blank) and thank you for adding us to the group!) It's not like I would really be missing anything.

Thanks for the feedback!
 

Ostrich

Member
Last night, I experienced an emotion tied to an experience which I have never felt before.

Onyx has stayed a couple of days longer than the other guests. Last night, the three of us were on the couch, watching TV. DAG and Onyx were cuddled up, and while I was on the couch, I was near them, but not that close. They were lightly kissing and touching each other (not in a sexual way). I saw it, and felt...relief, an 'awww, how cute' moment, not necessarily compersion, but it was a feel good.

Relief in the sense that I wasn't envious, that I actually felt good about what was happening in front of me, and I wasn't acting out, or getting upset.

This is the first time I have ever felt like this, in this type of situation. This 180 degrees different than when I saw DAG and Bruiser making out in front of me.

I think the reason for the change is this: DAG and I together met Onyx for the first time last year. In other words, I feel like we both were at square one when we met someone new. DAG and Onyx had been messaging each other over the internet, but I felt the in person meeting was on a level playing field. I felt involved. I felt like we as a couple were meeting Onyx, not as individuals. Does that make sense?

Granted, I know my relationship with Onyx will be different than DAG's. Onyx may hold me in a separate emotional space than DAG. I am OK with that. I have to be, really. But it makes me feel good that all three of us get along, and that we are starting this particular journey together, pretty much at the same time.

I am being very cautious with this, as I do not know where this is heading. I don't really have any wants or boundaries at this point with Onyx. It would be nice to have a deeper, more meaningful relationship with them, but I won't be upset if it doesn't happen (at least I think I won't).

After DAG went to bed, Onyx and I engaged in our own version of cuddling and kissing. It was wonderful!

Now, how does this affect my side of the relationship with Geyser. It doesn't. I still want them in my life, and will consciously pursue a romantic relationship with them as well. They mean a lot to me. We have a long history, and it's full of fond memories. I will say this though. I am happy that neither DAG nor Geyser are physically attracted to each other (they get along fine though). I can indulge in selfishness :). I will work on my jealousy, if Geyser wants to include anyone else romantically in their life.

This is the first time I've had a positive experience with poly, or at least the beginnings of a possible poly relationship. For the past year, I have been 80% envious, and 20% jealous of DAG and his loves. Per my previous posts, I have not taken to the idea of poly, based on my negative experiences. Yes, I know I let myself feel that way. But it was still a bad situation, and very hard lessons were learned.

Maybe I've turned a corner? We'll see.
 

Ostrich

Member
Our (DAG and my) relationship is in a really bad place right now. I have been really short with DAG the past few days, and I've been doing some soul searching to understand why. On the surface, DAG has a matter-of-fact way of responding to people, or stating anything, without having (at least to me) any emotion attached to it. He can be Mr. Spock sometimes. That rubs me the wrong way. It comes across as 'that's the way it is, deal with it'.

I have been yelling and throwing fits because he really rubs me the wrong way. Even the supposed minor things (no, not the toilet paper argument). I've got to find a way to deal with his manner of speaking. I also have to deal with his back seat driving. We can't even hang pictures in the house without some minor bickering. It's not quarantining with him, as some of these things have been going on for years (although I am certain COVID has quickened the time it takes for me to get boiled over).

Of course, there are the larger issues which come back to life. He still refuses to talk to me about his relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs. He is afraid I will fly off the handle if he tells me. Bruiser still refuses to come to our house to see DAG, as Bruiser does not want to be in the uncomfortable position of me agreeing Bruiser can come visit, then in the middle of the visit, I change my mind about the visit, and leave the room. It's not fair to DAG that Bruiser refuses to come visit, as DAG has every right to have visitors, no matter how I feel about them. I've twice explained to Bruiser they they are more than welcome to come to our house, but to no avail. I do reserve the right to leave the room if I feel uncomfortable, or if I don't want to participate in the discussion, but again, that makes others feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. In my defense, I know they are only here to see DAG, so why do I need to be in the room?

Fuck this.

On another note, Fisticuffs was here yesterday to play with DAG. DAG let me know when he was expecting FC to arrive. I planned some time to walk our dogs at a local park while they played. DAG texted me when FC left the house, so I could come home. It worked out great. I got some alone time with the dogs on a beautiful day, and DAG got to explore his hobby with FC. Wins all around. I am perfectly fine with that arrangement. It makes me feel good that DAG and I can at least agree on something regarding his sexual exploration. On a related note, Geyser recommended we designate a specific bedroom for our extramarital encounters. I spoke with DAG about it, and we picked a room. Again, a good thing. The master bedroom is my sanctuary. If DAG and I have a threesome, we have it there. If it's one-on-one sex, it's in the Bedroom of Playtime, NOT in the master bedroom.

Back to our relationship issues. Obviously, DAG and I need to talk more. However, I have a solution which could alleviate the issue (maybe not solve it though). I would like to de-escalate our relationship even further. Become roommates with benefits. I think this would help me deal with DAG in a better light. It would let me allow him his space to explore whatever he wants. I still love him, and am supportive of his exploration. I want him to be happy, but his happiness is tied to my moods and feelings, and he does not deserve some of the things he gets from me regarding this aspect of his life.

As always, it's a continuing cycle of learning, accepting and moving on. Although I am having issues with the second and third part of that cycle.

More to come.
 

Ostrich

Member
I had a lunch date with Geyser this past Sunday. It was fantastic!! I finally was able to eat at an actual restaurant. That alone was worth it! We had a great discussion about my relationship with DAG. While I wanted to have a discussion about my relationship with them, I didn't want to sound pushy (I really, really want to start a good thing with them). G is low key, like myself, and it's easy for us to relate. Plus, they have experience with poly relationships, and can speak from authority (seriously, they have been around).

Anyway, during our discussion about DAG, I had a revelation. I now know why I have issues with DAG and Bruiser's relationship. While it doesn't resolve everything for me, this is still huge!

It is this: DAG and I agreed upon his relationship with Fisticuffs. It was a couples decision. We even agreed upon an approach, should DAG and FC grow into friends, or more. I am still fine with that agreement. I have never had an issue with FC (DAG would disagree with me on that point, but he isn't me). I consider them to be a good person, and would probably be friends with them, if it weren't for the current circumstances.

The whirlwind with Bruiser caught me off guard, as it wasn't included in the original agreement. It wasn't a couples decision, only DAG's. I get it, these are DAGs relationships, not mine. He can do what he wishes, and if he wishes to have multiple relationships out of one event, so be it. I wasn't involved in the decision. Yes, that is selfish. I don't need to be involved in that decision. This also stems from the concept 'ownership' of another person. I don't own him (the Christian concept of 'marriage' fucking ruined me). I have let go of it in concept, but evidently not in practice.

Although I have been practicing. I am a home nudist. I feel liberated without clothes. I can be who I am at home without consequence. Yesterday morning, I walk through the house bare. Nothing on but a smile. I get to the kitchen, where DAG was sitting at the kitchen island. He comes over to me, and grabs my genitals and says 'This is mine' I tell him 'Oh no they are not. They are mine and mine alone. Just as yours are yours, and yours alone. They are not mine'. He was taken aback. We've always played the 'your ass is mine' game in bed, but never moved it beyond our sexual interactions. I was surprised by his reaction, as he has more than once explained to me that I do not own his body, so I cannot tell him what to do with it. Besides, me being nude does not equal to sexual exploration. It's just me being naked, and enjoying the feeling of liberation.

Lots to get through. But back to Geyser. I really need to let them know how I feel, and what I'd like to do in our relationship. Life is too short not to do so.
 

Ostrich

Member
I have issues with communicating. I have tried to resolve these issues, but I still come up short. When there is an issue between me and DAG, I clam up. I don't address or respond to issues immediately, when they appear. I keep telling DAG that I will work on my communication skills, but nothing comes of it. I keep doing the same thing over and over. When an issue comes up, I don't acknowledge it. I let it simmer for hours, or a day, before I even attempt to address it. By then, DAG is pissed at me for not saying anything immediately. Even if it's a 'Hey, I know it's an issue. Let me process it'.

We've talked to our therapist about it, and they keep telling me to work on it, without really getting to the heart of the matter. My issue is this. I am afraid of DAG's response to any issue that arises. Sometimes it can turn into him running circles around my response to an issue. It makes me feel little, and unable to logically support my reasons for the issue in the first place. Maybe it's a fear of conflict in the first place. To his point, it's better to address the issue immediately, than let it simmer and erupt at a later time.

I really suck at this. I think it's because I am still in the 'single person' mode. I let things slide when I was single, because it was only me. Any person I had an issue with, I either let it slide, or regulated them to a different relationship status. Not a good way to address an issue.

I have no idea why DAG stays with me. He says I am his rock, his protector. But how can I be those, when I can't even discuss simple issues with him without feeling awkward and fearing his response? I have a long, long way to go, and it is daunting.
 

Ostrich

Member
I had a break through last week with DAG and he gave me more information about Bruiser. I didn't have any closure regarding Bruiser. I sent an apology to them, and they never acknowledged receipt. The only way I knew Bruiser received receipt was through DAG. That was over three months ago.

I finally broke down and told DAG how I really felt about Bruiser. It was ugly, but necessary. I had let this build up over the three months, and it finally came out. While it isn't the closure I want, it is the closure I need. At least someone knows how I feel. DAG also reconfirmed that Bruiser will more than likely never come to visit us, as Bruiser does not want to feel uncomfortable if he comes visit, and then I change my mind about his visiting DAG. There is a lot there to unpack, but I will get to it later in this post.

Anyway, DAG told me he informed Bruiser about my ask to DAG to never see Bruiser again. I was shocked DAG even told them. I can only speculate that DAG didn't want to lie to Bruiser, even if it's lying by omission (open kimono and all). DAG didn't have to tell me he did it. That's between him and Bruiser. I appreciate it though. I didn't ask about Bruiser's reaction, because again, that's between those two. Another closure piece for me. I will say this: with DAG's birthday coming up, and with the Thanksgiving holiday not far behind, I doubt I will be given an invite to attend their party for him, or to Thanksgiving dinner at Bruiser and Fisticuffs' home. I don't care. I can make arrangements to celebrate DAG's birthday with just the two of us, and hold Thanksgiving with other friends at our place, and then DAG can celebrate Thanksgiving at their place. I would feel uncomfortable at Bruiser and Fisticuffs' place, knowing that Bruiser knows my feelings for them. That settles that, for now.

Back to Bruiser's visiting our house. To me, their lack of presence and communication with me is perfectly fine. He has been regulated to non-personhood by me. Out of sight, out of mind (OK, not completely out of mind, but the reader gets my drift). To me, this is the way it should have been from the beginning, but DAG wanted the four of us to get along with each other, so the four of us could do things together. NOPE! I tried to fit in, but felt really uncomfortable with Bruiser. It was obvious to me they had feelings for DAG, and made me feel I was in the way of their blossoming relationship. They never expressed it in words, but their actions told me how they really felt. Yes, I could be wrong on that assessment, but again, I am not so dull that I can't pick up on it. But again, closure for me. I haven't seen them since this past February, and I am happy about it. I have lived without them in my life for 55 years, I can live without them for another 55. I know DAG is not happy with this particular situation, but I think he has grown to expect this will be the way it is for the foreseeable future, if not longer.

With Fisticuffs, it's a different situation. I am fine with DAG's relationship with them. That's what we agreed upon from the beginning. Fisticuffs has been to our house twice to play with DAG. No issues from me, as I am happy they have started playing again. I want DAG to continue to explore himself, and be fulfilled. In support of that, we designated the basement bedroom to be the extramarital play area and I bought DAG personal care equipment and a cover for the mattress, so they can play safely and protect our investment. As soon as I can afford it, I plan to by him additional toys. When they play, I go up to our bedroom and read, or play a video game. Once they finish, DAG tells me FC has left the house, and I come downstairs to be with DAG. I don't have to see Fisticuffs at all. I also wash the sheets and make sure the basement bedroom is clean for their next session. See? I am not a total ass. Doing all this does not bother me. As a matter of fact, I am happy they play here, because I know DAG is safe. If anything happens, I would be here to help out. This arrangement has really worked out for me.

For now, I am actually happy. I have accepted the way things are, and am at peace with about 90% of this situation. Hopefully, this continues as is for awhile. But nothing lasts forever.
 

Ostrich

Member
And so it goes...

DAG has opened up to me about his relationships with Fisticuffs and Bruiser. Evidently, both had a falling out with DAG. Something about DAG saying one thing, and doing something else. DAG has not done that with me. With me, he's always done what he has said he was going to do, so my trust is still there for him.

Anyway, they are on the outs, for now. This makes me feel better. To me, this is how it was supposed to be at the beginning of all this. Again, the agreement was DAG would explore his kink, without too much of an attachment to his playmate. If they became friends, fine, but it wasn't supposed to go beyond that. At least that's what I thought was in the agreement.

It's been a year since he first met FC. In that year, there has been lots of love, angst, anger, envy, jealousy and misunderstandings. It isn't over yet. However, things have evidently cooled in his relationships with FC and Bruiser. I know I should keep out of this, as these are not my relationships. DAG wants me to at least listen to him when he vents about these relationships. I try to listen without prejudice (thanks George Michael), but there are times when some of the events he talks about gets under my skin. I've learned to let him know how I feel about some of his disclosures, but I still get upset and yell-y with him. It's not good for us both. This is very hard for me, but I am learning to adjust and better deal with my feelings.

They all might kiss and make up, and try for deeper relationships, but I think Bruiser is finished, as I understand it. Evidently, he doesn't trust DAG with his emotions, as Bruiser made themselves vulnerable to DAG and DAG walked over that vulnerability, by saying one thing and doing another.

Meantime, DAG has met someone else, who I will call Sexy Boots of Justice (SBJ). I swear, DAG could pull anyone he wants. We've discussed SBJ, and possible outcomes of that relationship. Sex is a possibility. I am fine with that with that outcome. We discussed it. It's clear, it's plain, and we have that included in the understanding/agreement/whatever. This is a strange feeling for me. I am OK with my husband having sex with someone else. If a loving relationship results from their connection, I am fine with that as well. I think I am emotionally maturing and growing. Through this, DAG has a better understanding of me. He knows my pain points and my (lack of) communication skills. He knows to repeat things, and asks me to repeat it back to him, so we both understand each other. Also, the fact that I have de-escalated my side of the relationship with him has helped me a great deal. It helps me to emotionally allow him to do what he wants. Not that he needs my permission, nor do I 'own' him, but internally, I am able to allow that.

Right now, I am in a good place with DAG and I am finally happy with our relationship. More later!
 

Ostrich

Member
And now this:

Apparently DAG and Bruiser are on the outs. Also, DAG and Fisticuffs relationship isn't doing too well either.

Not sure if I should post up what are the issues (they are remarkably similar in both relationships), but if I'm asked nicely, I will. I hesitate to post, because it is none of my business what goes on in his relationships with those two. He tells me, because he wants to, and I am OK with listening to his issues (as long as it's not TMI). I am not involved, but it does affect me.

I will say this: DAG has stated that he will remain friends with both of them, hang out with them and possibly have sex with them, mainly with FC, as I think sex with Bruiser might be a bridge too far for him (HA! No it's not, sex between those two is still possible, even if it's improbable). Their relationship won't go beyond them being anything more than friends. At least that's what DAG says.

How do I feel about this? Wonderful and sad at the same time. Wonderful, because this fucked up chapter in our lives might finally be over. Sad, because I don't like seeing DAG in a miserable state.

To keep this post positive, I have learned some valuable life lessons from this. First, I now know what DAG means when he wants to do what he wants. That means EVERYTHING is on the table. Skydiving, snorkeling, running a train on three people, mountain climbing, wearing leather chaps without pants, hot rodding on I-95, EVERYTHING. As long as he tells me what he wants, and what he's doing, then we should be fine. He has asked me a couple of times if I am OK with what he does. I tell him the truth, and lay out my feelings. I have learned NOT to demand that he ask me for permission. It's his life and body, not mine. Speaking of wants, I have learned to articulate what I want. All those years being single made me lazy in this regard. Why should I tell anyone what I want, when I was the only person to whom I answered.

I have also learned it is OK to ask questions. I've also learned that I can have boundaries. I know these are very basic, but they are very important. I have made good strides in developing my communication skills. I still have a huge learning curve, but at least I know the curve is there. NO RULES! ESPECIALLY WITH MY METAS! Hell, no rules with DAG, but boundaries are a must.

There is another chapter starting, sooner than I expected, but more on that as it develops. This fall should be interesting!
 

Ostrich

Member
Ah, Onyx.

Onyx is someone DAG met online a few years ago, and we met in person in 2017. He is a good man (at least that's whats been presented to me). DAG has been texting back and forth with him over the three years, and he came to our house in August to attend an event in the city. While he stayed with us, we became more familiar with him. He likes us both, and we both like him. We had a spur of the moment threesome with him, which was very enjoyable for the three of us. I have been texting with him since then (and DAG has been texting him as well), and we've grow closer.

He is coming to visit us on October 8th, and spending a few days over the holiday weekend. I am really looking forward to him being here. He is smart, sharp, empathetic, easy to talk with, and has a low-key personality. He and DAG get along great as well, which makes the relationships all around easy to manage. As I mentioned in a previous post, when Onyx was here the last time, he and DAG were on the couch, cuddling and kissing in front of me. I actually enjoyed watching them bond like that. Compersion. Who knew?

Here's why I felt that way. It's because the three of us are on the same page regarding these relationships. Onyx and I are interested in each other. DAG and Onyx are interested in each other. The main piece to this is that we all seem to have the same level of interest. Which is very rare in a three way relationship. I do not want to predict where this is going. While Onyx is visiting us, maybe this would be a prime opportunity for the three of us to discuss how we feel about each other, and go from there.

I do not want to mention a thruple or triad or poly relationship at this point. I don't think we are there yet. From past experience (even outside of DAG's relationship with Bruiser and Fisticuffs), I am very cautious of starting a relationship without giving it some thought before the relationship proceeds. I need to get more familiar with Onyx before I move forward with anything more meaningful than a friendship with Onyx.

We'll see what happens.
 

Ostrich

Member
DAG and I had an overnight guest last night. He arrived yesterday afternoon and we briefly caught up with each other. The guest knows about our relationship situation, and asked DAG about the status of his relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs. DAG stated those relationships are on the outs, and they are not really on speaking terms, other than texting each other with 'good morning'. DAG also mentioned my feelings and actions regarding their respective relationships. The guest was kind of surprised, as I am usually friendly towards everyone (seriously, before all this bullshit, I really did get along with about 95% of those I met). The guest wanted to talk about it more, once he got back from visiting other friends in the area (as of now, we have not had a follow up conversation. Good).

I mention all of this, because that discussion brought up old memories and feelings of which I thought I had let go. I got upset and frustrated. I did not take it out on anyone. I kept it under wraps. The only saving grace from that discussion was that DAG described his relationship with Bruiser and Fisticuffs as 'strained'. I am not sure what he meant by that. Is he sugar coating it? Is that really the status of their relationship? I will follow up with DAG, once the house guest leaves. Now that the door is open (thanks house guest!!), I see an opportunity to follow up with DAG without getting emotional.

I really, really, really need to learn how to let go of my feelings on this. I really, really, really need to let go of the past. I thought I had let it all go. Obviously not.

I have learned that closure helps. Most of the things which deeply affected me during this poly experience have gotten closure, but there are a few outstanding items which need closure, but I am not sure how to address them. The surge of emotions last night confused me, and made me mad that I have not truly let go. FUUUUUUUCK!

This blog has helped me think about it. I like thinking as I type, and then making edits when I can express myself in a more accurate way. Just now, it occurred to me that I do not have direct closure with Bruiser. I've used DAG as a proxy for those closures. I now realize that's not enough. I need direct closure with Bruiser.

But that's not going to happen.

Here's why: As I have stated in at least one previous post, I sent Bruiser an apology for an action I took against him. I sent it June 1st. It is now October 6th, and I have not even received an acknowledgement that he received the apology, much less let me know if he accepted it or not. If it weren't for DAG following up on receipt of the apology, I would have not known it reached Bruiser at all.

The other is this: I know I shouldn't do this (because it makes a lot of assumptions), but I imagine what will happen during Thanksgiving this year. Hear me out. Last year, Bruiser and Fisticuffs invited us to spend Thanksgiving day, and the day after, with them and their family and friends. I did not want to go at first, but worked up enough courage to go. I went, and had a good time. I actually enjoyed being around those two. Even the next day, which was game day (card and board games), I had a good time.

This year, I imagine it will be different (because of all that has happened between then and now). I imagine it will go like this: They ask DAG and me to come over for Thanksgiving with their friends and family. I decline, because I will definitely feel uncomfortable with being there, especially when DAG told Bruiser about my request to not see Bruiser again (man, that request was cathartic). I would consider DAG's feelings about this for about two nanoseconds, and then say no, as I am looking out for my own feelings. I know that sounds harsh, but damn, I am not putting myself in that position. In my imagination, some serious back and forth discussions would take place about my decision. I imagine that for some bizarre reason, Bruiser contacts me, and asks me to consider everyone's feelings when making that decision. And I say 'fuck you' LOL. Through all that, the end result would be more closure.

As if it would happen that way. LOL!! I am delusional. But again, it would definitely be closure for me to be in direct contact with Bruiser and shut it all down.

Maybe if I pretend it happened, that might help. LOL, no it won't.

Fair warning: more to come.
 

GalaGirl

Active member
This blog has helped me think about it. I like thinking as I type, and then making edits when I can express myself in a more accurate way. Just now, it occurred to me that I do not have direct closure with Bruiser. I've used DAG as a proxy for those closures. I now realize that's not enough. I need direct closure with Bruiser.

But that's not going to happen.

You expect Bruiser to give you closer? Rather than YOU giving your own self closure? Why hold your well being hostage to other people like that?

I think you did what you could that is within your control. You apologized to Bruiser. Ball is in his court. He doesn't want to do anything about it. Well, issue is resolved then.

So... There. You did what you could. It's ok for you to move on from Bruiser and not try to be friends or friendly with him.

Ultimately he's DAG's problem not yours.

I imagine it will go like this: They ask DAG and me to come over for Thanksgiving with their friends and family. I decline, because I will definitely feel uncomfortable with being there, especially when DAG told Bruiser about my request to not see Bruiser again (man, that request was cathartic). I would consider DAG's feelings about this for about two nanoseconds, and then say no, as I am looking out for my own feelings. I know that sounds harsh, but damn, I am not putting myself in that position.

Why is it "harsh" for you to consider your own well being?

In my imagination, some serious back and forth discussions would take place about my decision.

Their discussion, their prob. Not yours.

I imagine that for some bizarre reason, Bruiser contacts me, and asks me to consider everyone's feelings when making that decision.

And "everyone" includes YOU. You are someone too. And you come first. Not in a selfish mememe way. But in a self care way. You attend to you first before trying to help others with their realistic and reasonable needs.

And I say 'fuck you' LOL. Through all that, the end result would be more closure.

Sounds like you want to stand up for yourself more the next time someone asks you to ignore your own wants and needs in favor of theirs.

Perhaps that is your new personal boundary. "I like/love you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. Don't ask me to to that again."

That's not something for other people to obey. They might still bring you all kinds of fresh.

It's for YOU to obey.

Galagirl
 

Ostrich

Member
You expect Bruiser to give you closer? Rather than YOU giving your own self closure? Why hold your well being hostage to other people like that?

I think you did what you could that is within your control. You apologized to Bruiser. Ball is in his court. He doesn't want to do anything about it. Well, issue is resolved then.

So... There. You did what you could. It's ok for you to move on from Bruiser and not try to be friends or friendly with him.

Ultimately he's DAG's problem not yours.

Exactly. It bothers me, because I am used to getting closure from the other side of an issue. I'm confused about why he is ignoring the apology. What's so hard about saying 'I received it, thanks for sending it'? I would take that as closure. He doesn't even have to accept, or reject, the apology. Fuck it. As you say, that's his problem, not mine. I'm working on working on my emotional side to let it go.

Why is it "harsh" for you to consider your own well being?

'Harsh' for only giving two nanoseconds to consideration, not a longer amount of time. But then again, I don't even need to give it two nanoseconds. I don't have to give consideration to it at all.

Perhaps that is your new personal boundary. "I like/love you a lot, but not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me. Don't ask me to to that again."

Reminds me of the song by Meatloaf: I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that'.

Thank you for the feedback!!
 

GalaGirl

Active member
'Harsh' for only giving two nanoseconds to consideration, not a longer amount of time. But then again, I don't even need to give it two nanoseconds. I don't have to give consideration to it at all.

Exactly! I don't find that harsh. If you are not into it, you just are not. Why would DAG expect you to do stuff you are not into? Why would you?

Reminds me of the song by Meatloaf: I'll do anything for love, but I won't do that'.

Yup. I remember that song. And it's true. People may ask you to considering doing X, Y, or Z. Some things are quick consideration, some longer to consider. But in the end? You don't have to be doing anything your heart isn't in. Life is short. Why waste it doing stuff you have no interest in doing hanging out with people you don't want to hang around with? You can give it a pass.

Galagirl
 

icesong

Member
Exactly. It bothers me, because I am used to getting closure from the other side of an issue. I'm confused about why he is ignoring the apology. What's so hard about saying 'I received it, thanks for sending it'? I would take that as closure. He doesn't even have to accept, or reject, the apology. Fuck it. As you say, that's his problem, not mine. I'm working on working on my emotional side to let it go.
I mean, if Bruiser and DAG are on the outs? then what you've got is "apology from ex's partner who's not even relevant to my life anymore", which... I might consider ignoring too, because he doesn't know that there's not going to be continuing conversation or engagement if he says "I received it" as you describe. I mean, if I got a random apology from, oh, Pink!Girl at this point (go back to the beginning of my blog) I'd ignore it because I don't want to re-engage with HipsterBoy and so how she feels about what she did or didn't do is.. just not important to me.
 

Ostrich

Member
Icesong,
I mean, if Bruiser and DAG are on the outs? then what you've got is "apology from ex's partner who's not even relevant to my life anymore", which... I might consider ignoring too, because he doesn't know that there's not going to be continuing conversation or engagement if he says "I received it" as you describe. I mean, if I got a random apology from, oh, Pink!Girl at this point (go back to the beginning of my blog) I'd ignore it because I don't want to re-engage with HipsterBoy and so how she feels about what she did or didn't do is.. just not important to me.
Here's the thing. I sent the apology over 4 months ago, when Bruiser and DAG were still good friends, so I still had some expectation that I would get a 'Thanks for sending' response from Bruiser. Two weeks ago, they ended communications with each other. There was plenty of time for Bruiser to contact me. Since they are on the outs with each other, I'll be dead before I hear from Bruiser. And I am now fine with that.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member

Ostrich

Member
Do not cling to pain, and it will pass.

Thanks Mags! I've read part of this and plan to finish before the weekend. I realize this is a short read, but still. Anyway, the first three items are the ones I need to work on the most. I have 'forgiven' DAG. Not that he really needs forgiving, but it helps (if that makes any sense). I will say this: The feedback on this forum has been wonderful! Just typing out my thoughts and feelings has been freeing, but to get support, and ideas on how best to navigate all this has been icing on the cake. You guys are amazing!!
 
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