Irony Is Dead

Bluebird

Well-known member
I’m not sure what state you are in, but being polyamorous is usually a disqualification for an adoption through the state. I would definitely lead with that, before you get too far into the home study process. They might be willing to let you take the parenting classes and get through it, but then will never choose you for a child. All 3 of my kids were adopted as older children out of the foster care system, and the minute we made public that we were a poly family, the workers stopped calling.
 

Ostrich

Active member
I’m not sure what state you are in, but being polyamorous is usually a disqualification for an adoption through the state. I would definitely lead with that, before you get too far into the home study process. They might be willing to let you take the parenting classes and get through it, but then will never choose you for a child. All 3 of my kids were adopted as older children out of the foster care system, and the minute we made public that we were a poly family, the workers stopped calling.
BB, we have suspended any poly activity for now and the foreseeable future. DAG is not actively looking for any new relationships right now and honestly, I am not looking for anything new either. The new guy came out of the blue, but I only want a friendship with him. Thank you for the info though. I figured any open poly discussion with adoption representatives would negatively affect our adoption application.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
BB, we have suspended any poly activity for now and the foreseeable future. DAG is not actively looking for any new relationships right now and honestly, I am not looking for anything new either. The new guy came out of the blue, but I only want a friendship with him. Thank you for the info though. I figured any open poly discussion with adoption representatives would negatively affect our adoption application.
It will, sadly. We had MULTIPLE social workers from many states contacting us to match their older available children with us. At one point, DarkKnight and I had TEN folders in front of us to choose from. We are experienced successful adoptive parents of older special needs kids. One agency had me give a speech and appear on the news. All of that, and then total and complete silence when we updated our study to list me as polyamorous. It was sad. However, there was zero chance that I could be open and foster/adopt without the agency knowing. The background check is considerable, and obviously any kids placed with us would know what’s up. Apparently being polyamorous negates everything else though. :(
 

Ostrich

Active member
It will, sadly. We had MULTIPLE social workers from many states contacting us to match their older available children with us. At one point, DarkKnight and I had TEN folders in front of us to choose from. We are experienced successful adoptive parents of older special needs kids. One agency had me give a speech and appear on the news. All of that, and then total and complete silence when we updated our study to list me as polyamorous. It was sad. However, there was zero chance that I could be open and foster/adopt without the agency knowing. The background check is considerable, and obviously any kids placed with us would know what’s up. Apparently being polyamorous negates everything else though. :(
I expect the home study to trip us up, if we fess up to being poly, no matter how short lived. Congrats on having successful adoptions! I am sure you were heartbroken with the offers stopped. My heart goes out to you!
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
I expect the home study to trip us up, if DAG fesses up to being poly. Congrats on having successful adoptions! I am sure you were heartbroken with the offers stopped. My heart goes out to you!
It wasn’t so bad. We were actively pursued to adopt again, and we felt our family would be okay with stopping at three kids. Anything else was going to be a bonus, so we were fine. I was sad for the children that we could have parented, as most probably stayed in care.

The home study is very invasive. Classes and the study with background can take about 9 months to complete. I’m not sure it is something that would be easy to not mention. I personally felt like being upfront was better than having it come out later and getting blacklisted for a failure to disclose. Depends on your state, and your county, and your particular worker. Realize that even LGBT+ is an issue still in many places. Polyamory is just too out there, unfortunately. Our worker was sympathetic, but he was realistic and truthful about it.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
That seems like a sudden change, from seriously considering Teach as a third in a triad, and/or that other guy you went on a date with.

If you are now considering adopting kids over practicing poly, your needs from this board will change quite a bit. It sucks, to be sure, but poly is so new and it just isn't understood by the public at large, yet. I would say you could go back to being poly when the kid/kids are grown, but you're already 58, so this sounds like a lifetime commitment.
 

Ostrich

Active member
That seems like a sudden change, from seriously considering Teach as a third in a triad, and/or that other guy you went on a date with.

If you are now considering adopting kids over practicing poly, your needs from this board will change quite a bit. It sucks, to be sure, but poly is so new and it just isn't understood by the public at large, yet. I would say you could go back to being poly when the kid/kids are grown, but you're already 58, so this sounds like a lifetime commitment.
Mags, not that I have confirmation, but in recent actions by Teach, he seems more intent on finding a relationship for himself than trying to seriously connect with DAG and I. He and DAG still have a strong emotional connection, but the contact between Teach and I has diminished somewhat. Plus, Teach seems to have a new love interest every month, so that signals to me that he's not that serious about pursuing anything with us. He has not approached me to discuss it further. The way DAG and I left it, the proverbial ball is in Teach's court. I'll wait and see what he does next.

As for the other guy, I have him in the friend zone. He could be a good, close friend, but I have no plans to have him as a romantic interest. I am just not up for it. He has a fiance, but I do not know what type of relationship they have. Again, this is a budding friendship with no plans for romance.

Not that you asked, but I will put this out there anyway. One of the reasons DAG and I got married was to have a kid (or three). It wasn't a priority for DAG until the past three or four months (we've been married for 5 1/2 years). Obviously, he needed to get a few things out of his system before fully committing to adopting a kid. There's still a lot to do regarding adoption. Yes, I will be ancient by the time kids leave home, but hey, I sowed my oats way ahead of getting married, so I'm fine for now. DAG has not expressed a need for him to practice poly, but that's today. No telling what tomorrow will bring.
 

Ostrich

Active member
So DAG and I are dealing with a family situation with his mom. She is in the hospital and he is with her to ensure she is taken care of and handling her financials while she is in the hospital. I am flying out later next week to be with him, help out and be his support system. He has been away from home for almost two weeks. I miss him and hope the issues with his mom resolve quickly, but I am not going to lie: there are times when I enjoy the distance. I have told him so. He is a lot and this break has given me a chance to re-assess my relationship with him and what I want from it. It's also given me time to be honest with myself about some of his behaviors.

He can be selfish and spoiled. There, I said it. I look at people in a positive light and give the benefit of the doubt (ok, everybody but Bruiser, fucking predatory ambulance chaser) Now that I am honest about it and recognize it, I can definitely build boundaries that will help me in my actions/reactions once he presents that behavior. I will not be shy in calling out those behaviors to him, once they present themselves.

With that, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I am looking forward to being with him next week, helping him out and possibly connecting with him at a different level than we are currently on. I am tired of talking about this monstrosity of a house. I am tired of talking politics. I told DAG how I feel about this, but it's a deep rut and he seems to be happy in it. I just want to bend him over the island in the kitchen and fuck him stoopid. Yeah, ok, that's not a long term solution, but it's a start.

Speaking of 'fuck him stoopid', I had dinner and drinks last night with Teach. He has been going through a rough time with someone who he was willing to put his love on the line. It didn't work out, so he needed someone to talk it out with. Amazingly, he chose me. Seriously. I am probably not the best choice to walk through an emotional mine field with, but yet, here I am. And I showed up for it. I want to be very clear here. I love him. I've said it to him and I've said it to DAG. They both know about my feelings towards Teach. Last night's outing made the bond even tighter.

Teach told me that he wishes DAG and I were one person. He loves (lusts?) DAG's body and he loves the emotional connection he has with me. He said if there was a way to combine the both of us into one person, he'd be a happy man. While I am a little disappointed Teach is not into me physically, I am over the moon in knowing he feels a deeper emotional connection with me. I'll take that! We danced around the discussion about forming a triad. He still wants to have that kind of relationship with us, but knows there are a lot of things, physical, emotional and mental that need to be addressed before that happens. I want to have that kind of relationship too. DAG is...non-committal. I want to talk to him about it when I'm with him next week (to me, it's better to have that type of conversation in person).

On a lighter note, Teach has told a couple of his close friends about his feelings for DAG and I. Evidently, one of the close friends said: 'You need to fuck DAG and get it over with' LOL I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, the sexual tension between those two is 'Moonlighting' level of unbearable. LOL.

Oooh, on another lighter note, DAG and I have our first adoption class/orientation this weekend. I am happy that is moving forward too.

More to come!
 

Ostrich

Active member
So I had a dinner date with Gerry, a new friend I connected with during Teach's cabin trip. He and I have been texting fairly regularly, just to keep in touch. He happened to be in town for 24 hours starting Monday, so I met him for dinner. He and his partner are practicing polyam and we've shared some of our experiences. For the dinner, I planned to focus on him and my relationship with him. I really only wanted to talk about us. Instead, I gave some details on my polyam experiences, of which included DAG. I did not want to bring DAG into the conversation, but yet, here I am, doing so. He didn't bring DAG up, so it wasn't like I was asked questions about him. I just started in. I am not happy with myself about my behavior during dinner. I feel I fucked the conversation up. I have recovered from that and he has helped with some good conversation by texts. I hope the next time he is in town, I will be able to make it up to him with better dinner conversation.

On that note, this dinner highlights the need for me to get out of the house more often. Literally, get out of the house. DAG is still taking care of family business and has been away from home for a month. Since there is no one to talk to (except the dogs) at home, I made an agreement with myself to go out more. This past weekend, I went to a bar where we met our friends, BC (before Covid). I was there by myself and the bar was dead, so I came home early. However, it still was an evening out. Monday's dinner date at least got me out of the house too. This weekend, DAG and I have another all day adoption training session, with a two hour Zoom call with a group of polyam practitioners immediately following. Then it is off on a short road trip to attend a leather event that a close friend of mine is hosting. I may skip the Zoom meeting, just to give me enough time to travel. I am keeping DAG informed of my plans and whereabouts, so I am not doing any of this behind his back.

Which brings me back to Gerry. He has a great analogy for DAG and my marriage: 'We're closed, but we're still taking applications' lol. Fits like a glove.

And back to DAG. I came up with a 'want' for myself and told him about it. Our sex life is for shit. It's been a year and a half since we've had any kind of sexual interaction. It's been mostly due to DAG not wanting sex because of me emotionally de-escalating my relationship with him. In his words, since he is demi-sexual, how can he have sex with someone who is not fully (whatever that means) emotionally connected to him. I have worked to get back to a more connected space with him and it has worked. I've outwardly shown genuine affection for him, so he sees that I am making progress. With that, last night I had a phone conversation with him and brought up my wants. I told him I want to get our sex life functioning again and get it to a point where we have regular (as in schedule, not regular as in 'vanilla') positive (healthy) sex. Hopefully, we can then get to a point where we feel comfortable with inviting someone to our bed again and share ourselves with a third. As long as I feel I am satisfied sexually, I think I would feel comfortable with him having sex with someone else without me. That was my problem with his sexual activity with Fisticuffs and Bruiser. We weren't having sex at the time (due to my medical issue, which was resolved in a short amount of time), so he was having more sex with them than with me. I didn't express that to him, because I thought I was being selfish in asking him for sex on a more regular basis. I'll never think that again.

With that, DAG agreed that we should get back to having sex, with the stipulation that I initiate some of the encounters and that I don't get upset when he say's no. I don't remember me being upset. Disappointed, but not upset. Anyway, agreement reached. It seems he's gotten over his 'emotional disconnect' concern and sees that I am more engaged with him on that level. We'll see what happens when we see each other again.

More to come!
 

Ostrich

Active member
An apology.

All it took was an apology.

And it made all the difference in the world.

DAG has been with his mother in another state for almost 2 months. I traveled to see him and stayed with him for a week. It's been tough, but we've been doing very well with communicating with texts, phone calls and video chats. As with any illness, I hope his mom gets better soon for her own sake, so she can continue with her life in a healthy state.

Over the weekend, I had a couple of significant conversations with DAG about his behavior, my feelings and observations based on That Most Recent Unpleasantness. So to the above apology. DAG finally apologized for his behavior regarding my wanting to miss Thanksgiving 2019 with his partners. He now sees that he should have placed my needs ahead of his concerns regarding that event. Specifically, he was concerned that my dropping out of the festivities would negatively affect Bruiser's and Fisticuff's planning of the big dinner. Seriously, to him, his concern about their planning outweighed me not wanting to attend.

That's why he harassed me into going. Let that sink in.

I accepted his apology with a huge sense of relief. I finally let the last remaining resentment go. All that remaining animus towards him is now gone. I am happy that he acknowledged on his own that he made a mistake and is willing to own up to it. That means so much to me. I could have asked for an apology, but I don't think it would have the same impact as him recognizing it himself and apologizing (which is why I didn't ask for it. He needed to acknowledge it himself, no matter how long it took).

One other item of note towards DAG. I have noticed a huge change in his attitude/approach to life recently. Even with his mom's health situation, he has been relatively calm, especially compared to when he was with B and FC. I spoke to him about this and he agreed. He stated that when he was with them, he was relying on me to be his anchor. Since I was having problems with him dating outside our marriage, he felt he couldn't rely on me. By anchor, he meant someone he could confide in with relationship issues he might have with B and/or FC.

THAT WASN'T HAPPENING!!!! I did not sign up for that. His issues needed to be handled with them, not me. He and I have our own relationship issues to resolve. I don't need the added stress of listening to his bullshit with them. I told him so over the weekend, and he understood.

Anyway, that's why he was so wound up during that Most Recent Unpleasantness, because he didn't feel he had a solid go-to for his other relationships. He was really hard to deal with in that state of agitation. So much so that I considered separation or divorce a couple of times. Seriously, he was that bad (granted, I was no picnic either). Since those relationships were suspended, he began to relax (if he can truly do that) and focus on the other priorities in his life, like adoption and decorating the house.

Speaking of adoption, DAG and I completed the required training and are ready to begin the application process. We haven't started it yet, since we are apart. At this point, not sure when we'll be able to complete the application, but at least we made it this far. I feel very comfortable in adopting with DAG. He and I have the same ideas in child-rearing and we talk quite a bit about it. I am nervous, scared and excited all at the same time. Which is a good thing, in my thinking.

Related to that, Teach went on a tangent with me yesterday. DAG told Teach that we had completed our training and we would soon start the application process. That information brought up some not-so-good feelings in Teach, as he feels he was misled by me when I asked him what he thought of being in a triad with me and DAG. Please note, I only brought it up as a trial balloon. I did not bring it up as an invite or any kind of offer. Also, when I did mention it, he immediately shot it down, as he thought DAG and I already had our agreements in place and we were married, which, to him, brings on another layer of bureaucracy. So by him shooting it down, I immediately shut down that discussion point and never brought it up again. However, for some reason, he feels as if I led him on intentionally (that was not my intent). I told him I regret bringing it up in the first place. I won't apologize, as I feel I did nothing wrong. So when DAG mentioned getting the adoption certificate, it brought up all those feelings Teach had regarding a triad. We ironed it out last night, but it's still a sore point with him.

What a great way to start a week! I love typing up these types of posts. Positive, but with some drama involved to give it some realism lol.

More to come!
 

Ostrich

Active member
DAG is home now. After 3 months of being on the opposite coast, taking care of his family business, he came home two days ago. I have been anxious about his return, as within those 3 months, I have settled in to my own routine. Now I have a good idea of what military spouses go through when their spouse comes home from deployment. I thought DAG would disturb my routine, but he hasn't. If anything, I am now willing to change my routine so it works for the both of us. I've had a change in how I view DAG. I've not seen him as 'mine' in the past 7 or 8 months. That view continues, but I also see his attempts to protect me as just that, protection, not controlling. I would like for him to change his approach in how he 'protects' me, because it comes across as 'mothering'.

It's good to have him home though. I need to be mindful of his mental state regarding his family affairs. I know he still wants to be there in person for his family and I need to keep talking to him about his feelings. I am there for him, which I don't think I was there for him in the past. I sent him flowers and cards while he was away and plan to add nice touches to our relationship with things like that. I am not a romantic. My love language is 'service' HELP ME DO THE DISHES! lol. I think we need to find another marriage counselor though. The current one comes across as our next door neighbor, with the 'light' conversation. I want one who challenges us and is fairly well versed in ENM. Speaking of counselors, I have a new personal counselor. He is actually better than I thought and brings a different perspective than my old counselor (whom I still like a lot). I might hang on to the new one for awhile, just to see where it goes. I've gotten some good feedback from the new guy, so I am eager to keep going with him.

On the relationship front, I met a new person on-line and we at least 'click' in our texts. I'll call him Gun Runner (GR). He lives a couple of states away, so the chance of meeting him in person is kinda slim. He's married and practicing ENM with his husband. He and his husband seem to have the same philosophy regarding the sharing of information. Not everything you are doing with your partner needs to be shared with your husband. No secrets, but consider some things to be private. I will share everything if DAG were to ask, but I am not volunteering everything. Of course, that depends on ones definition of 'secret'.

I am still in contact with Onyx, Geyser, NY, NC, Teach and SRT. Add Professor and Voting Activist to the list. I love them all and of course, I keep DAG in the loop about all of them. NY is throwing NC a surprise birthday party this weekend and I plan to go, with or without DAG. So my social circle has expanded, without influence from DAG. Which is actually healthy for me. In the past, I would depend on DAG to make the social connections, but after the Bruiser/FC affair, I have worked on myself to be more outgoing and unafraid to take risks (mainly ignoring my inner voice about what people may think of me). If we don't make a connection, no skin off my nose. I move on to the next one. I am a good man, with some experience in life. I have some things to offer to others. I am enough.

On a poly related note, I participate (when I can) in zoom meetings for mature people who practice ENM. I am really happy about doing so. I've met some really cool people in the group. The leaders keep the meetings supportive, with no judgements about how others practice polyam. The only draw back is that we are on opposite coasts, so there is very, very little chance I will meet these people in person. However, the two hours we spend on video conferences together are very helpful.

Nothing new on the adoption front. Now that DAG is home, we can complete the application and submit it for consideration. Then the 'home study' can start. I am still excited about adopting and looking forward to a kid finding us for adoption.

More to come!
 
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