Irony Is Dead

I’m not sure what state you are in, but being polyamorous is usually a disqualification for an adoption through the state. I would definitely lead with that, before you get too far into the home study process. They might be willing to let you take the parenting classes and get through it, but then will never choose you for a child. All 3 of my kids were adopted as older children out of the foster care system, and the minute we made public that we were a poly family, the workers stopped calling.
 
Bluebird said:
I’m not sure what state you are in, but being polyamorous is usually a disqualification for an adoption through the state. I would definitely lead with that, before you get too far into the home study process. They might be willing to let you take the parenting classes and get through it, but then will never choose you for a child. All 3 of my kids were adopted as older children out of the foster care system, and the minute we made public that we were a poly family, the workers stopped calling.
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BB, we have suspended any poly activity for now and the foreseeable future. DAG is not actively looking for any new relationships right now and honestly, I am not looking for anything new either. The new guy came out of the blue, but I only want a friendship with him. Thank you for the info though. I figured any open poly discussion with adoption representatives would negatively affect our adoption application.
 
Ostrich said:
BB, we have suspended any poly activity for now and the foreseeable future. DAG is not actively looking for any new relationships right now and honestly, I am not looking for anything new either. The new guy came out of the blue, but I only want a friendship with him. Thank you for the info though. I figured any open poly discussion with adoption representatives would negatively affect our adoption application.
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It will, sadly. We had MULTIPLE social workers from many states contacting us to match their older available children with us. At one point, DarkKnight and I had TEN folders in front of us to choose from. We are experienced successful adoptive parents of older special needs kids. One agency had me give a speech and appear on the news. All of that, and then total and complete silence when we updated our study to list me as polyamorous. It was sad. However, there was zero chance that I could be open and foster/adopt without the agency knowing. The background check is considerable, and obviously any kids placed with us would know what’s up. Apparently being polyamorous negates everything else though. :(
 
Bluebird said:
It will, sadly. We had MULTIPLE social workers from many states contacting us to match their older available children with us. At one point, DarkKnight and I had TEN folders in front of us to choose from. We are experienced successful adoptive parents of older special needs kids. One agency had me give a speech and appear on the news. All of that, and then total and complete silence when we updated our study to list me as polyamorous. It was sad. However, there was zero chance that I could be open and foster/adopt without the agency knowing. The background check is considerable, and obviously any kids placed with us would know what’s up. Apparently being polyamorous negates everything else though. :(
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I expect the home study to trip us up, if we fess up to being poly, no matter how short lived. Congrats on having successful adoptions! I am sure you were heartbroken with the offers stopped. My heart goes out to you!
 
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Ostrich said:
I expect the home study to trip us up, if DAG fesses up to being poly. Congrats on having successful adoptions! I am sure you were heartbroken with the offers stopped. My heart goes out to you!
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It wasn’t so bad. We were actively pursued to adopt again, and we felt our family would be okay with stopping at three kids. Anything else was going to be a bonus, so we were fine. I was sad for the children that we could have parented, as most probably stayed in care.

The home study is very invasive. Classes and the study with background can take about 9 months to complete. I’m not sure it is something that would be easy to not mention. I personally felt like being upfront was better than having it come out later and getting blacklisted for a failure to disclose. Depends on your state, and your county, and your particular worker. Realize that even LGBT+ is an issue still in many places. Polyamory is just too out there, unfortunately. Our worker was sympathetic, but he was realistic and truthful about it.
 
That seems like a sudden change, from seriously considering Teach as a third in a triad, and/or that other guy you went on a date with.

If you are now considering adopting kids over practicing poly, your needs from this board will change quite a bit. It sucks, to be sure, but poly is so new and it just isn't understood by the public at large, yet. I would say you could go back to being poly when the kid/kids are grown, but you're already 58, so this sounds like a lifetime commitment.
 
Magdlyn said:
That seems like a sudden change, from seriously considering Teach as a third in a triad, and/or that other guy you went on a date with.

If you are now considering adopting kids over practicing poly, your needs from this board will change quite a bit. It sucks, to be sure, but poly is so new and it just isn't understood by the public at large, yet. I would say you could go back to being poly when the kid/kids are grown, but you're already 58, so this sounds like a lifetime commitment.
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Mags, not that I have confirmation, but in recent actions by Teach, he seems more intent on finding a relationship for himself than trying to seriously connect with DAG and I. He and DAG still have a strong emotional connection, but the contact between Teach and I has diminished somewhat. Plus, Teach seems to have a new love interest every month, so that signals to me that he's not that serious about pursuing anything with us. He has not approached me to discuss it further. The way DAG and I left it, the proverbial ball is in Teach's court. I'll wait and see what he does next.

As for the other guy, I have him in the friend zone. He could be a good, close friend, but I have no plans to have him as a romantic interest. I am just not up for it. He has a fiance, but I do not know what type of relationship they have. Again, this is a budding friendship with no plans for romance.

Not that you asked, but I will put this out there anyway. One of the reasons DAG and I got married was to have a kid (or three). It wasn't a priority for DAG until the past three or four months (we've been married for 5 1/2 years). Obviously, he needed to get a few things out of his system before fully committing to adopting a kid. There's still a lot to do regarding adoption. Yes, I will be ancient by the time kids leave home, but hey, I sowed my oats way ahead of getting married, so I'm fine for now. DAG has not expressed a need for him to practice poly, but that's today. No telling what tomorrow will bring.
 
So DAG and I are dealing with a family situation with his mom. She is in the hospital and he is with her to ensure she is taken care of and handling her financials while she is in the hospital. I am flying out later next week to be with him, help out and be his support system. He has been away from home for almost two weeks. I miss him and hope the issues with his mom resolve quickly, but I am not going to lie: there are times when I enjoy the distance. I have told him so. He is a lot and this break has given me a chance to re-assess my relationship with him and what I want from it. It's also given me time to be honest with myself about some of his behaviors.

He can be selfish and spoiled. There, I said it. I look at people in a positive light and give the benefit of the doubt (ok, everybody but Bruiser, fucking predatory ambulance chaser) Now that I am honest about it and recognize it, I can definitely build boundaries that will help me in my actions/reactions once he presents that behavior. I will not be shy in calling out those behaviors to him, once they present themselves.

With that, absence does make the heart grow fonder. I am looking forward to being with him next week, helping him out and possibly connecting with him at a different level than we are currently on. I am tired of talking about this monstrosity of a house. I am tired of talking politics. I told DAG how I feel about this, but it's a deep rut and he seems to be happy in it. I just want to bend him over the island in the kitchen and fuck him stoopid. Yeah, ok, that's not a long term solution, but it's a start.

Speaking of 'fuck him stoopid', I had dinner and drinks last night with Teach. He has been going through a rough time with someone who he was willing to put his love on the line. It didn't work out, so he needed someone to talk it out with. Amazingly, he chose me. Seriously. I am probably not the best choice to walk through an emotional mine field with, but yet, here I am. And I showed up for it. I want to be very clear here. I love him. I've said it to him and I've said it to DAG. They both know about my feelings towards Teach. Last night's outing made the bond even tighter.

Teach told me that he wishes DAG and I were one person. He loves (lusts?) DAG's body and he loves the emotional connection he has with me. He said if there was a way to combine the both of us into one person, he'd be a happy man. While I am a little disappointed Teach is not into me physically, I am over the moon in knowing he feels a deeper emotional connection with me. I'll take that! We danced around the discussion about forming a triad. He still wants to have that kind of relationship with us, but knows there are a lot of things, physical, emotional and mental that need to be addressed before that happens. I want to have that kind of relationship too. DAG is...non-committal. I want to talk to him about it when I'm with him next week (to me, it's better to have that type of conversation in person).

On a lighter note, Teach has told a couple of his close friends about his feelings for DAG and I. Evidently, one of the close friends said: 'You need to fuck DAG and get it over with' LOL I couldn't agree more. Sometimes, the sexual tension between those two is 'Moonlighting' level of unbearable. LOL.

Oooh, on another lighter note, DAG and I have our first adoption class/orientation this weekend. I am happy that is moving forward too.

More to come!
 
So I had a dinner date with Gerry, a new friend I connected with during Teach's cabin trip. He and I have been texting fairly regularly, just to keep in touch. He happened to be in town for 24 hours starting Monday, so I met him for dinner. He and his partner are practicing polyam and we've shared some of our experiences. For the dinner, I planned to focus on him and my relationship with him. I really only wanted to talk about us. Instead, I gave some details on my polyam experiences, of which included DAG. I did not want to bring DAG into the conversation, but yet, here I am, doing so. He didn't bring DAG up, so it wasn't like I was asked questions about him. I just started in. I am not happy with myself about my behavior during dinner. I feel I fucked the conversation up. I have recovered from that and he has helped with some good conversation by texts. I hope the next time he is in town, I will be able to make it up to him with better dinner conversation.

On that note, this dinner highlights the need for me to get out of the house more often. Literally, get out of the house. DAG is still taking care of family business and has been away from home for a month. Since there is no one to talk to (except the dogs) at home, I made an agreement with myself to go out more. This past weekend, I went to a bar where we met our friends, BC (before Covid). I was there by myself and the bar was dead, so I came home early. However, it still was an evening out. Monday's dinner date at least got me out of the house too. This weekend, DAG and I have another all day adoption training session, with a two hour Zoom call with a group of polyam practitioners immediately following. Then it is off on a short road trip to attend a leather event that a close friend of mine is hosting. I may skip the Zoom meeting, just to give me enough time to travel. I am keeping DAG informed of my plans and whereabouts, so I am not doing any of this behind his back.

Which brings me back to Gerry. He has a great analogy for DAG and my marriage: 'We're closed, but we're still taking applications' lol. Fits like a glove.

And back to DAG. I came up with a 'want' for myself and told him about it. Our sex life is for shit. It's been a year and a half since we've had any kind of sexual interaction. It's been mostly due to DAG not wanting sex because of me emotionally de-escalating my relationship with him. In his words, since he is demi-sexual, how can he have sex with someone who is not fully (whatever that means) emotionally connected to him. I have worked to get back to a more connected space with him and it has worked. I've outwardly shown genuine affection for him, so he sees that I am making progress. With that, last night I had a phone conversation with him and brought up my wants. I told him I want to get our sex life functioning again and get it to a point where we have regular (as in schedule, not regular as in 'vanilla') positive (healthy) sex. Hopefully, we can then get to a point where we feel comfortable with inviting someone to our bed again and share ourselves with a third. As long as I feel I am satisfied sexually, I think I would feel comfortable with him having sex with someone else without me. That was my problem with his sexual activity with Fisticuffs and Bruiser. We weren't having sex at the time (due to my medical issue, which was resolved in a short amount of time), so he was having more sex with them than with me. I didn't express that to him, because I thought I was being selfish in asking him for sex on a more regular basis. I'll never think that again.

With that, DAG agreed that we should get back to having sex, with the stipulation that I initiate some of the encounters and that I don't get upset when he say's no. I don't remember me being upset. Disappointed, but not upset. Anyway, agreement reached. It seems he's gotten over his 'emotional disconnect' concern and sees that I am more engaged with him on that level. We'll see what happens when we see each other again.

More to come!
 
An apology.

All it took was an apology.

And it made all the difference in the world.

DAG has been with his mother in another state for almost 2 months. I traveled to see him and stayed with him for a week. It's been tough, but we've been doing very well with communicating with texts, phone calls and video chats. As with any illness, I hope his mom gets better soon for her own sake, so she can continue with her life in a healthy state.

Over the weekend, I had a couple of significant conversations with DAG about his behavior, my feelings and observations based on That Most Recent Unpleasantness. So to the above apology. DAG finally apologized for his behavior regarding my wanting to miss Thanksgiving 2019 with his partners. He now sees that he should have placed my needs ahead of his concerns regarding that event. Specifically, he was concerned that my dropping out of the festivities would negatively affect Bruiser's and Fisticuff's planning of the big dinner. Seriously, to him, his concern about their planning outweighed me not wanting to attend.

That's why he harassed me into going. Let that sink in.

I accepted his apology with a huge sense of relief. I finally let the last remaining resentment go. All that remaining animus towards him is now gone. I am happy that he acknowledged on his own that he made a mistake and is willing to own up to it. That means so much to me. I could have asked for an apology, but I don't think it would have the same impact as him recognizing it himself and apologizing (which is why I didn't ask for it. He needed to acknowledge it himself, no matter how long it took).

One other item of note towards DAG. I have noticed a huge change in his attitude/approach to life recently. Even with his mom's health situation, he has been relatively calm, especially compared to when he was with B and FC. I spoke to him about this and he agreed. He stated that when he was with them, he was relying on me to be his anchor. Since I was having problems with him dating outside our marriage, he felt he couldn't rely on me. By anchor, he meant someone he could confide in with relationship issues he might have with B and/or FC.

THAT WASN'T HAPPENING!!!! I did not sign up for that. His issues needed to be handled with them, not me. He and I have our own relationship issues to resolve. I don't need the added stress of listening to his bullshit with them. I told him so over the weekend, and he understood.

Anyway, that's why he was so wound up during that Most Recent Unpleasantness, because he didn't feel he had a solid go-to for his other relationships. He was really hard to deal with in that state of agitation. So much so that I considered separation or divorce a couple of times. Seriously, he was that bad (granted, I was no picnic either). Since those relationships were suspended, he began to relax (if he can truly do that) and focus on the other priorities in his life, like adoption and decorating the house.

Speaking of adoption, DAG and I completed the required training and are ready to begin the application process. We haven't started it yet, since we are apart. At this point, not sure when we'll be able to complete the application, but at least we made it this far. I feel very comfortable in adopting with DAG. He and I have the same ideas in child-rearing and we talk quite a bit about it. I am nervous, scared and excited all at the same time. Which is a good thing, in my thinking.

Related to that, Teach went on a tangent with me yesterday. DAG told Teach that we had completed our training and we would soon start the application process. That information brought up some not-so-good feelings in Teach, as he feels he was misled by me when I asked him what he thought of being in a triad with me and DAG. Please note, I only brought it up as a trial balloon. I did not bring it up as an invite or any kind of offer. Also, when I did mention it, he immediately shot it down, as he thought DAG and I already had our agreements in place and we were married, which, to him, brings on another layer of bureaucracy. So by him shooting it down, I immediately shut down that discussion point and never brought it up again. However, for some reason, he feels as if I led him on intentionally (that was not my intent). I told him I regret bringing it up in the first place. I won't apologize, as I feel I did nothing wrong. So when DAG mentioned getting the adoption certificate, it brought up all those feelings Teach had regarding a triad. We ironed it out last night, but it's still a sore point with him.

What a great way to start a week! I love typing up these types of posts. Positive, but with some drama involved to give it some realism lol.

More to come!
 
DAG is home now. After 3 months of being on the opposite coast, taking care of his family business, he came home two days ago. I have been anxious about his return, as within those 3 months, I have settled in to my own routine. Now I have a good idea of what military spouses go through when their spouse comes home from deployment. I thought DAG would disturb my routine, but he hasn't. If anything, I am now willing to change my routine so it works for the both of us. I've had a change in how I view DAG. I've not seen him as 'mine' in the past 7 or 8 months. That view continues, but I also see his attempts to protect me as just that, protection, not controlling. I would like for him to change his approach in how he 'protects' me, because it comes across as 'mothering'.

It's good to have him home though. I need to be mindful of his mental state regarding his family affairs. I know he still wants to be there in person for his family and I need to keep talking to him about his feelings. I am there for him, which I don't think I was there for him in the past. I sent him flowers and cards while he was away and plan to add nice touches to our relationship with things like that. I am not a romantic. My love language is 'service' HELP ME DO THE DISHES! lol. I think we need to find another marriage counselor though. The current one comes across as our next door neighbor, with the 'light' conversation. I want one who challenges us and is fairly well versed in ENM. Speaking of counselors, I have a new personal counselor. He is actually better than I thought and brings a different perspective than my old counselor (whom I still like a lot). I might hang on to the new one for awhile, just to see where it goes. I've gotten some good feedback from the new guy, so I am eager to keep going with him.

On the relationship front, I met a new person on-line and we at least 'click' in our texts. I'll call him Gun Runner (GR). He lives a couple of states away, so the chance of meeting him in person is kinda slim. He's married and practicing ENM with his husband. He and his husband seem to have the same philosophy regarding the sharing of information. Not everything you are doing with your partner needs to be shared with your husband. No secrets, but consider some things to be private. I will share everything if DAG were to ask, but I am not volunteering everything. Of course, that depends on ones definition of 'secret'.

I am still in contact with Onyx, Geyser, NY, NC, Teach and SRT. Add Professor and Voting Activist to the list. I love them all and of course, I keep DAG in the loop about all of them. NY is throwing NC a surprise birthday party this weekend and I plan to go, with or without DAG. So my social circle has expanded, without influence from DAG. Which is actually healthy for me. In the past, I would depend on DAG to make the social connections, but after the Bruiser/FC affair, I have worked on myself to be more outgoing and unafraid to take risks (mainly ignoring my inner voice about what people may think of me). If we don't make a connection, no skin off my nose. I move on to the next one. I am a good man, with some experience in life. I have some things to offer to others. I am enough.

On a poly related note, I participate (when I can) in zoom meetings for mature people who practice ENM. I am really happy about doing so. I've met some really cool people in the group. The leaders keep the meetings supportive, with no judgements about how others practice polyam. The only draw back is that we are on opposite coasts, so there is very, very little chance I will meet these people in person. However, the two hours we spend on video conferences together are very helpful.

Nothing new on the adoption front. Now that DAG is home, we can complete the application and submit it for consideration. Then the 'home study' can start. I am still excited about adopting and looking forward to a kid finding us for adoption.

More to come!
 
Hooo, boy! Lots to update.

First, I now have a love interest (that cabin trip back in March turned out to be a lot more than I hoped for lol). Rock The Vote (RTV, formerly known as Gerry) and I met during the cabin trip. He has a partner and they are practicing ENM. At the time, I thought he was cute and as we made a connection during the trip (gin is a helluva drug), we decided to keep in touch. We've been texting and I've been keeping DAG up-to-date on this relationship. A few days ago, RTV said he was sexually attracted to me. It kind of surprised me, but makes me feel good. At nearly 60. I still got it. LOL No lie, I am sexually attracted to him too. I am in no rush to escalate this, since he lives 3 states over from me. I told DAG about the attraction and he seemed to take it OK.

Which leads to this: Teach. He still wants to have some sort of deeper relationship with both DAG and me. Teach is not as sexually attracted to me as he is to DAG, but he wants me involved in some sexual activity with DAG. On my birthday, Teach posted this very wonderful monologue about me on IG and FB. I literally cried after I read it, as it was that touching. I think we could pull off an open triad, but Teach has his reservations about having a romantic relationship with a married couple. The three of us REALLY need to talk about it.

Now that I've mentioned RTV and Teach, here's the big deal: Thanksgiving!! I have been messaging RTV and his partner, Professor, asking them if they would be in our state for Thanksgiving, as Professor has family in our area of the country. They said they had no plans, but would let me know if they would be with Professor's family for the holiday. In the meantime, Teach asks us of our Thanksgiving plans, as he wants to come to our place for the holiday. Of course, we said 'YES!'. Then over this past weekend, Teach calls DAG to talk about Thanksgiving, where I passed along my conversations with Professor and RTV about their holiday plans. Then the three of us decided to invite the entire Tennessee Cabin Crew (tm) to our house for Thanksgiving. OMG WTF LOL! DAG and I are up for it and have messaged the group with an invite. No takers yet, but I am hoping a few of the crew accepts the invite. So we'll see how that goes.

On a more personal front, I have been back at the gym and the progress has been fantastic. I feel so much better about my physical self. I am on a supplement which contains DHEA. It's supposed to assist in processing nutrients for muscle growth. I've also read where DHEA can have a positive effect on depression, as compared to a placebo. I believe (I have no solid proof) that DHEA is helping with my depression, as I have not felt this mentally even and 'happy' in at least 5 years. I've talked to my psychiatrist about DHEA and it's assumed (yeah, I know) affect on me and he wants me to continue to use it as a supplement. My happiness has helped me get emotionally closer to DAG and has actually assisted me in managing my emotions. I don't easily anger anymore and I feel more confident and comfortable in talking with DAG about major items in our lives. I'm seeing real progress with DAG.

Speaking of DAG, he is finally treating me as an individual with my own agency. He has tried to coerce me into doing things he wants me to do and I've pushed back. He has since learned that when I push back, he needs to stand down. As an example, he wanted to get a premium charge card for us to use and gather points. I do NOT want or need another charge card. Periodt! He kept pushing it and I had to shut him down. Unfortunaly, I dropped the non-violent communication approach (I still need to work on it), which upset him as he felt like I was silencing him. Actually, I was silencing him, to ensure I was getting 'NO' across to him. He got the message and has since dropped the subject. Also, he was encroaching on my diet and workout routine. He has his own diet, which is close in composition to mine, so while I was reluctant, I changed my diet, as it made sense financially (food ain't cheap). He then tried to get me to change to his workout routine. I drew the line at that, as I am making great progress on my current routine. Why change something that is still working? I told him no and the reason why I didn't want to change. He got the message and has since stopped coercing me to change my routine. Great progress on holding my boundaries.

It's a lot, but things are really beginning to look up. I am so happy that my efforts from the counseling sessions are paying off. I am feeling so much better about my relationship with DAG and now with relationships outside of my marriage.

More to come!
 
It's that time of year, the Tennessee Cabin Crew will be meeting up for our yearly trip (it seems to be turning into a tradition). This time, the cabin will be in a major US city. A couple of guys from last year won't be able to make it, but there will be a couple of new folks to be there. So that changes the dynamics, but I am looking forward to meeting new people. Professor and RTV will be there, as well as Teach. My relationships with Professor and RTV continue to bring me happiness. While they live in another state, we still connect by text and phone calls. RTV and I plan to crash a funeral during the trip, so he can get material for his TV screenplay. We will NOT disrespect the dead, but it will be cool to take in a Creole or Cajun funeral.

My therapy sessions are going well. The therapist leans towards some touchy-feely approaches to addressing my mental issues, such as meditation. I am very open to that. I find my time away from DAG to be invaluable. I do not want to lose myself in the 'US'. I need to keep 'ME' grounded and familiar. We've had a few discussions about that. He's not thrilled about my need, but has been respectful when I say I need some alone time. Which is a huge thing for me. I have thanked him several times for understanding and acquiescing to my needs. I make sure we spend quality time together, which includes holding hands and touching while watching TV and being with him when we have lunch and dinner. Still no sex though. It's been over 2 years since we've had penetrative sex or mutual masturbation sessions. I take care of my sexual needs by myself. It sucks, but at least we are still fulfilling our human contact needs.

One other thing and I know some folks on this board are tired of reading these things, but I need to get it out. DAG and Bruiser had an agreement that they would not 'break up'. That by not labeling their relationship, their relationship would not end, but only be suspended. At any point, should they decide to end the suspension, they could do so without a 'break'. I am at a point in my mental state if that ever happens (and I have serious doubts that it will, at least while I'm still alive and/or still married to DAG), then I would be OK with it. As long as I have minimal to no interaction with Bruiser, then all is good. All I'd want for DAG in that space is for him to be happy and safe (also, the ability to tell time lol)(oh, and respect my boundaries). I have come that far in my mental health/state.

So the big ticket item: I have reconnected to DAG in what I consider a far more healthy way. I am soooo very happy that I emotionally de-escalated my relationship with him way back in 2020. I really appreciate the space it gave me to consider my relationship with him and how I considered our marriage. I have gotten rid of the 'ownership' and 'exclusive' mentality and accepted the idea that the exclusive part of our relationship is the relationship itself. We have a house together (yeah, he could own a house with someone else, but that's their house, not ours). We will eventually have at least one kid together. My love for and of him is exclusive between us. I love others with the same intensity, but not with the same 'content' (yeah, definition needed). Anyway, I now see him as a complete individual who is part of 'US', just as I am a complete individual and it is up to 'US' on how we define (granted, he hates labels) our relationship, aside from 'Married, With Children'. I am much happier with how I am now connected with him and much happier with him. And here's the other main item related to this: Teach. Since Teach and I are spiritually connected, I feel a love for him too. So much so that if he and DAG ever have sex, I would feel compersion for them. I would be envious they didn't include me, but I could manage that emotion. That's how far I've come from 'OMG I don't want to be poly' to 'Hey, this is actually kind of nice' and I feel like a better person for it.

More to come!
 
I’m so happy to hear that for you!
 
A much needed update.
Not sure if I mentioned depression in my previous posts, but there it is: I have depression. It's not situational. And through testing, it's definitely a chemical imbalance. I've had it for at least 20 years, if not longer. Only in the past 3 or 4 years, it's become a real issue. The foray into practicing polyamory really highlighted my issue. Almost 3 years of consistent mental therapy and a recent genome test have done wonders in managing it. The genome test identified therapies which could help alleviate the depression. My psychiatrist and I have made adjustments in my lifestyle and medication and I can tell the difference (for the better).

One thing of note. I am not sure if this is related to the depression, but I've had some very intrusive thoughts in my head (where else would they be?). All very negative and very detrimental to my mental health. My therapist has taught me a couple of mental exercises to address those thoughts, but the medication has significantly reduced their impact. I am not sure how to explain without making the reader worry about my condition. I was not having suicidal thoughts, and I wasn't thinking of anything violent against DAG, but my level of anger was intense and very corrosive. The anger stems from how stupid inexperienced the four of us were in approaching polyamorous relationships. Especially Bruiser. IMO, Bruiser brought a mindset to the situation which was not helpful in dealing with a couple new to polyamory. My shitty mindset is very well documented elsewhere in this blog, so I am not in any way denying my contribution to that clusterfuck. Anyway, the meds and therapy have helped a great deal in addressing my depression and managing my anger. This isn't over, but some very positive steps in addressing my mental health.

On another front, my sex life with DAG has not improved. It's been over 2 1/2 years since we've had penetrative sex and a little over 2 years since we've had any sexual contact at all. DAG still needs to see consistency from me in how I interact with him. He says he has seen improvement on my part, but I still have not met his bar in consistency. No lie, he does get under my skin every now and then. Instead of providing a positive response (even a 'no' can have a positive spin)(he's still working on taking 'no' for an answer), I come across as annoyed. He's worked on his approach to me and I'm working on how I respond to him. I'll keep being consistent and recognize that I have no control over when he decides that I've met his standard and we can begin to have sex again.

On the adoption front, we submitted the required documentation to the adoption agency. The agency has accepted all the documents and have assigned a case worker to us. We have an initial meeting with him this Wednesday (5-24-2023) and the home study portion of the adoption process starts soon after. There's a lot more to this, but that's all I feel comfortable in providing right now. I'll have a more detailed post later about the adoption.

That's all I have for now, but as always, more to come
 
So more on my mental state. My psychiatrist asked me to take a genome test, as the results would identify more specific families of drugs I could take in order to address my depression (and, as it turns out, my anxiety). I took the test and the shrink and I reviewed the results. The biggest impact is for me to take up exercise. Check! I have a new trainer, with a new work out plan and diet. Another is my body is not processing folic acid in the way it should, so now I am on a supplement which helps process folic acid through the blood-brain barrier. So that is another positive. The last one is he took me off an anti-depressant that I have been on for over 20 years, and put me on a new one. Bingo! Within a few days, my depression and intrusive thoughts subsided. I was so relieved. That, coupled with the strategies my therapist and I worked on, helped manage those thoughts a great deal. I was very happy.

Three weeks later, I noticed those thoughts slowly creep back in my mind. I tried employing those same thought strategies, but they weren't working to the same degree as earlier. So I contacted my shrink again and discussed another course of action. Through our conversation, he decided that I was also dealing with anxiety and prescribed medication to address it. Yahtzee!! Now the anxiety has subsided as well.

I can now laugh and feel good around DAG. I see him for his silly self, instead of taking his humor as some kind of criticism or negative feedback. Yes, he likes to give me a hard time, but without the negative intent I perceived (his whining is still annoying though). We haven't had a major argument in weeks. Some really good discussions though.

On the discussions front, I am finally in a place where I am OK with him dating other people. I have some good, basic boundaries in place and feel like I can manage my emotions and talk to DAG about my feelings and what I want. Because of my really negative reactions to the previous foray into poly, he does not trust me (he's said so, to my face). That trust is going to take a long time to repair. I want DAG to be happy, and if having romantic relationships with others outside our marriage makes him happy, then so be it. I'll manage myself accordingly and enforce my boundaries so I can be happy too. The other reason is that we want to repair our sex life. He thinks it would be unfair if I or he had sex with others without us having a healthy sex life (or sex life at all). At least we are on the same page as that. I have a three people interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with me. I've had conversations with them regarding my relationship with DAG and how polyamory has been put on hold until my married sex life is in a healthy state. This ties back into DAG trusting me again, in order for us to have a sex life at all. So porn and masturbation have been my friends for a while.

More to come!
 
Glad to hear the changes in both the depression and anxiety meds are working for you.

Having all the parts of your patient care plan actually WORKING for you makes such a huge difference.

Galagirl
 
Look, I get it. The Year from Hell started over 3 1/2 years ago. However, for me, there were still some items I could not find closure on.

Until yesterday.

So a couple, who are friends of ours (I'll call them The Farmers), were in our development, selling their produce, jellies and jams. The Farmers are friends with Bruiser and Fisticuffs. The Farmers contact me to let me know they had set up their tent and tables and everything was ready to sell, swing on by. So DAG and I drive over to the stand and before we get their, DAG recognizes Fisticuffs, walking his dog near the stand. Then their car comes into view and we see Bruiser, helping The Farmers finish setting up the stand.

This is the first time that either of us has seen them since October of 2020. DAG tells me to stop the car. We then discuss what to do next.

Here's where all the therapy and medication pays off. I was calm, cool and collected. I told DAG that I did not give a fuck if Bruiser and Fisticuffs were there, I could go and talk to The Farmers, buy their goods and not feel any need to interact with B&F. DAG didn't want to feel awkward (very awkward, in fact) because it was only The Farmers and B&F at the stand. According to him, if there were additional people at the stand, he would not have a problem in shopping with The Farmers. So we go home. DAG and I hang out for about 30 minutes, then I go back to the stand to buy produce, because again, I don't give a fuck. B&F are no longer there. Not that it matters. I buy their goods and text DAG that the 'coast is clear' and he can show up if he wants. He declines. I chit-chat with The Farmers, then I go home.

All that, to say this: In the past, that situation would have put me in my negative feelings. Instead, as said above, I didn't give a fuck. I listened to DAG and did as he wished. I did not want him to feel awkward and took him home so he didn't have to be placed in that situation. I could have easily tried to pressure him to stay and shop, but knew it was his decision and supported him in it. I am so proud of myself in my period of growth and healing. Even though I did not actually interact with B&F, just the fact that I saw them in person gave me some closure, as I knew that at some point (because we have mutual friends) we would run into them again by accident. My anxiety would kick in anytime I thought about it, because I knew I couldn't control the situation if and when it happened. So it happened, and now I am relieved of that anxiety.

Yesterday and today, I am very happy. I feel 'lighter' and happy in the knowledge of how I would act if I actually met them in person. I can walk on by without having any negative feelings and secure in the knowledge that I do not have to interact with them at anytime. This is a huge step forward for me and I am very happy with getting over that hurdle without any negative feelings.

More to come!
 
OK, grab an 'oh shit' handle and hang on, this is a long post.

So a lot has happened since my last post. So I will outline the major events, and then get into details on each one. Here they are in chronological order.

1. I made the decision to open up our marriage again
2. I turned 60 y/o this past October
3. My meds are not as effective as they were during the time of my last post (this is a big deal)

So, to the first point. DAG and I have not had sex in a little over 3 years. I am not getting my sexual wants met with DAG, so I decided to open up our marriage again, just to get my wants met with someone(s) outside our marriage. This sucks and here's why. I feel that our sex life should at least be active (even if it rarely occurs, at least we're having sex) before I venture out to enjoy intimacy with others. I don't necessarily feel guilty, but it bothers me that I have to go out and find a play partner, when I have a perfectly (OK, maybe not perfectly) good husband/partner to be intimate with. It plays into my wants from a marriage. One of the many reasons I married DAG was to at least have sex on the regular (again, it doesn't have to be often, but at least I know at some point, we'll be intimate). I got tired of searching for a play partner when I was single. So now what am I doing? Looking for play partners. I've talked about this with DAG and all he has to say is that he feels at fault. I asked him why he thinks it's his fault and all he can say is: it's his fault :unsure: I know this: he still doesn't feel totally connected to me emotionally. Since he is demi-sexual, it means he needs to be more (if not fully) connected to me in order for him to feel comfortable in having sex with me. Due to my mental health issues, it's still an issue with him (see below). Also, see my initial foray into being intimate with others below.

Second point. This past October, I turned 60. YAY! I made it to a major milestone. With that, DAG and I decided to throw a nice birthday celebration for me. Balloons, decorations and a personalized cake. We invited several close friends to attend. One person I invited, T, and I have known each other for 20 years. We kept in touch, but have not seen each other in person for that amount of time. I told DAG I wanted to have sex and spend the night with T. I was giving myself and T a birthday present (I was giving myself the gift of sex with some I love, and I was giving myself to him) DAG gave the thumbs up, without reservation. It was a very special night, for several reasons. First and foremost, several friends from out-of-state came to celebrate with me. I was humbled and honored by their presence. I was not expecting that level of love, but it happened and I am very appreciative of it. During the party, they went around the room and gave reasons why they appreciate and love me. This was not planned or prompted. They just did it. The love I felt was overwhelming and I got emotional. OK, I was crying. Did I mention the night was magical? It was magical! No drama, no cattiness. Just great conversation with everyone engaging with everyone else. I should turn 60 more often.

Now to the after party activities. The party broke up and people were beginning to leave. I had packed a small overnight bag, and left the house with T. We went to his hotel and we had a wonderful night of sex and intimacy. Leading up to that event, I felt awkward about going, due to what I mentioned above regarding me opening up the marriage. During the intimate time, I wasn't thinking about it. I was fully present with T and really enjoyed our time together. I thought about DAG and the fact he was alone at home (turns out he wasn't. I'll get to that), but I didn't feel guilty about it, as we had agreed for this to happen. The awkward feeling went away as soon as we entered his room. I let myself enjoy it and be in the moment. This is the first time I've ever had sex outside our marriage. DAG and I had threesomes before, but nothing like this for me. The next morning, T takes me home, drops me off, and then drives to the airport for his trip home. I was still in 'OMG, I feel great!' mode. So to DAG. As it turns out, Polo and a buddy of his came to the house after the party, and had 'fun' with DAG. So DAG has himself a good time too. While we didn't talk about that as a possibility beforehand, I didn't (and still don't) have an issue with that. I'm actually happy that he had a good time too. T and I plan to not wait another 20 years to see each other again. I want to go to see him at some point in 2024.

Third point. When my psychiatrist and I adjusted my meds (changed the anti-depressant and added an anti-anxiety med), it all came together. I actually felt happy. The depression and anxiety felt much better managed. The feeling lasted for a few months, but began to slowly deteriorate. Not sure why, but maybe my brain was getting to 'used' to the medication and the effectiveness was wearing off. With that, my 'evil' side started appearing again. Also, my old habit associated with my 'evil' side started appearing as well. Anger, from a sense of being judged, wronged and harassed by DAG, has shown up again. The anger drove my verbal attacks on DAG, which exacerbated the his feeling less emotionally connected to me, thus, extending the period of no sex between us. I am upset and ashamed for myself. DAG can be a pain in the ass, but not to the extent were my acidic and explosive responses are required. This hurts me more than anyone knows. I hoped that my anger issues were resolved by counseling and medication. They have not. I am working with my psychiatrist to adjust my meds, but so far, with limited effectiveness. This also plays into my fears of using meds as a crutch, not a solution. I am fine with being medicated for the rest of my life, but I was hoping this round of treatment would last longer than it did. I haven't given up, but damn!

Added bonus, because you deserve that! Bruiser continues to live in my head, rent free. That's four years of rent he owes me, the fucker! My therapist said I am paying him to stay. Why would I hold on to shit like that? There are still unanswered questions, which most of them won't be answered (mainly because Bruiser will never darken our doorway again. Yes, I said never and I have evidence), because Bruiser is the only one with the answers. Drop it already! Anyway, I'm having a discussion tonight with DAG about questions I know he can answer, because he has firsthand knowledge. Why did Bruiser give a half-assed (from my perspective) effort to get to know me/engage with me? DAG swears up and down he tried, because they discussed me and how to approach/work with me. I call bullshit. In my view, he had plenty of obvious opportunities to get to know me, and didn't take them. For me, he only tried twice. Once, while we were at the movies and the other was the infamous Gay Gaymergate incident (yes, we both fucked that up, but I was already on the throes of fully getting him out of my life, and that incident made my decision easy). You may be asking 'WHY WOULD THAT HELP, AND WHY NOW?' These questions about Bruiser have been nagging me for years, and the answers would definitely help me put Bruiser out of my head. Why now? Because I have been working with my counselor in getting that asshole out of my head, and that hasn't helped as much as I had hoped. So now it's the direct approach to DAG, no matter how contentious the discussion gets. He and I have a meeting scheduled for tonight for these questions to be laid out on the proverbial table. If anyone is interested, I'll post up the results of the discussion.

But wait, there's more!! DAG now has a new relationship which for now, has a sort-of sexual component (evidently, lots of heavy petting, but no actual sexual conact. Is 'heavy petting' still a thing?). I am very happy for him. In my opinion, he could use another relationship in his life besides me and Polo (Polo and I are on the outs, so I don't care about him anymore). Red (as he will be known from here on) came to our house from out of state a couple of weeks ago. He comes across as a really good guy. Granted, I've only been around him for two days, but the initial impressions were good. He even brought me a bag of ground coffee as an introductory gift. No matter the gift, the action was greatly appreciated! I know no-one needs to recognize me or acknowlege me as DAG's husband/partner, but if they want me to be engaged with them, they better come with something with which to acknowlege me. If not, then I am not engaging with them. So, back to the action. Red scored major inital points, and I am more than happy to engage with him. However, I have an issue in doing so: Competition. Competing for time with him with DAG. At this point, Red and DAG talk on the phone daily and text each other quite a bit during the day. On the other hand, Red and I rarely talk on the phone and we might text two or three times a day. Granted, Red has a very busy life (as explained by DAG), as he has several friends, aside from DAG and is very busy with his creative professional life. Which leads to this: He and DAG are really engaged, so Red is able to find some time during his very busy day to talk or text with DAG. Me, not so much. Red is telling me that he wants to be more than just friends (good friends, not necessarily any romantic component anytime soon), but yet, I might get a few texts from him a day. Those are mostly superficial ('good morning, how are you' type of engagements). Which leads me to believe he's not that serious in engaging with me, even though he says otherwise. In turn, I am considering not engaging with him at all, as I have my own relationships to foster. So why do I need to waste energy on someone who appears to not be really trying?

WHEW!!! I wrote a mini-novel. Fair warning, more to come!
 
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