Irony Is Dead

Ostrich

Member
So something that DAG kept telling me, really gnawed at me. His statement was: I love you and I want to spend all my time with you.

I have an issue (or maybe issues) with that statement. Why was he dating Bruiser and Fisticuffs if he wanted to spend all his time with me?

I've held back on asking him that question as a) there wasn't a clear opportunity to do so and b) I thought the question would lead to some overly spirited discussion. Not something that I wanted to instigate.

Until last night.

Before we went to bed, he reiterated that statement. In response, I said I was confused by that, since he spent A LOT of time with B and F. So if he wanted to spend all his time with me, why did he spend some of it with them? He then reminded me that he discussed this with F, explaining to him that I was DAG's prime. He also reminded me that F repeated it back to me as confirmation. Yeah, and? I then reminded him of the times he had sex with Bruiser. If he wanted to be with me ALL THE TIME, why didn't he include me in the sex? He stated those events were based on the reality of the situation (I wasn't immediately available?) (I still don't know what he means by that, and I am not sure how to convey this to you, the reader). I then said that I understand that a want is basically the same as a wish, so is this want based on fantasy, versus what happened in reality? He attempted to explain what he meant by reality, but it didn't 'click' for me. I was still confused and I told him so. He was getting frustrated with attempting to clarify what he meant, so he stated he didn't want to talk about it anymore and that he would never bring this subject up ever again (Sure, Jan).

The sticking point with me is the ALL THE TIME qualifier/quantifier. To me, he's being disingenuous with including those three words. If he really wanted to be with me all the time, he would have worked to make it happen. As proof, I submit into evidence Item A: Thanksgiving 2019. He did his damnedest to make sure I was with him for T-day at B and F's home. I was not that happy with being there, but he was happy and that's all that mattered to him. I realize to some, this might not be a big deal. It is to me. During the discussion, he really pushed that he really did mean 'ALL THE TIME' and not some other meaning. Don't tell me you want to be with me all the time, and then go get choked out during sex with a boyfriend and I'm nowhere in sight. It's confusing as hell. I intend to bring this up during our marriage counseling session next week.

BUT! I am happy there was an opportunity to bring this up and am very happy that I did not shy away from the discussion. I find it surprising that he really didn't have that great of a counter point when I pressed him on it.

If any of you have any idea what he MIGHT have meant about 'the reality of the situation', I welcome any feedback, even if it's supposition. Yes, let's play 'Jump To Conclusions!'. LOL

ETA: We also had a discussion yesterday about my issues in identifying where 'I' end and 'we' begin. I know this is where boundaries come in to play, so I made one yesterday. DAG is working to be a DIY influencer and has been building up his web presence. Sometimes, he calls on me to help him with ideas on potential projects. NOPE! I consider his side hustle to be his, not ours and definitely not mine. So we came up with a compromise. If it is furniture related, I'll help out, since the furniture will be a permanent part of our house. If it's decor related (i.e. dust catchers, knick-knacks, tschotskies) it's all his and he does his own work.

It also helps manage my time, as when he is doing decor items, I can do what I want (video games or making bracelets)(I want and have, a simple life). I've become aware that he (either intentional or otherwise) has been sucking me into his projects and I need to put the brakes on that. I really love that he is putting his considerable energy into this effort. He is an amazing man with solid ideas about what he wants to do and is following his heart in making his dreams come true. I have no issue with his 'hobby' choice, it clearly makes him happy and I'm not about to throw a monkey wrench into that.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Maybe you could try to let go of the B and F era? If DAG says today that he wants to spend all his time with you, that is how he feels now. Back then, he loved being with you and tried to make a triad or quad happen. But you weren't happy with that, with those particular guys, and they weren't either. Ya'll just didn't have friend or sexual chemistry. It was a failed experiment and it's over. You all gathered the data and drew your conclusions from your own points of view. Moving on...

Now, from what he's learned, DAG wants to be mono, or at least only have threesome sex with you and some other guy, right? Rather than carpetbag and bring up something from a year or more ago, you could just take in what he wants now.

That's my take on it anyway.
 

Ostrich

Member
Maybe you could try to let go of the B and F era? If DAG says today that he wants to spend all his time with you, that is how he feels now. Back then, he loved being with you and tried to make a triad or quad happen. But you weren't happy with that, with those particular guys, and they weren't either. Ya'll just didn't have friend or sexual chemistry. It was a failed experiment and it's over. You all gathered the data and drew your conclusions from your own points of view. Moving on...

Very good point. I am working to let it go. This blog helps, along with the feedback from you guys. Now that my thoughts are out in the ether, it makes it easier to let go. Things with DAG have gotten better, so there is some tangible progress. My personal counseling sessions are going well and I've been making progress in understanding my emotional side and working on my communication skills (both conveying and comprehension).

Wasn't there an episode of 'Friends' where Monica and Rachel had a Burning Man event in their apartment as a cleansing ritual? I'll try not to burn down the backyard.
 

Ostrich

Member
A quick update. I had a significant break through during therapy last week. Again, it was me realizing that I was forcefully submerging an emotion I was denying existed. Once my therapist and I walked through it, I felt more free than I have in a year almost 2 years.

Here's it is for all to see. When DAG started having sex with Bruiser, it broke an unspoken trust (@icesong) (I now have a better appreciation for your point of view regarding trust and marriage). Yes, I did not discuss that trust with DAG, so he had no idea it existed and that he broke it. There's where my burying techniques come into play. The trust was emotionally based, but logically, I was telling myself the emotion was false, since I had not discussed it with DAG. So how could I hold DAG to a boundary/promise that was never discussed or agreed upon, but yet feel that DAG broke a trust?

So I buried it. Deep.

I have resolved that issue through therapy by recognizing that my feeling of broken trust is real and that it is OK to feel that way. I realize that I can't hold DAG responsible for his actions, which was compounding the issue, but now I've let that go too.

Again, a huge relief, and I've begun letting go of the Bruiser and Fisticuff era. I still have a lot of work to do, but this is a huge step forward.

Thanks Mags for your direct manner, much appreciated!
 

arctic

New member
Hi Ostrich, I've really enjoyed reading your blog, your humility and humor is refreshing. I don't especially want to go over all the emotionally charged details of my own relationship in the main forum yet but reading here has helped. I can relate to being open minded and accepting of the situation I find myself in, although not necessarily thrilled about it. And knowing that handling my emotions is ultimately my responsibility, but being able to communicate them honestly and effectively- and feeling heard when I do so is crucial. I'm not at all fluent in the terminology and wouldn't identify myself as either mono or poly (is non-binary a thing?), but if forced to choose I'd probably prefer monogamy or "monogomish".

It's interesting how relationships can flux in and out of monogamy, and I think you're wise to continue doing your own work around it even if things are currently closed between you again. I don't have much in terms of advice or specific feedback but wanted to say thanks for posting!
 

Ostrich

Member
@arctic thank you! We are definitely now monogamish. DAG now has been talking to a 'new' friend for almost a year. DAG has hung out with him a few times and even gave him a birthday cake. I know they are close and want to get physical, but I trust DAG to not have sex with the new one (I'll call him Chef) until we talk about it first. I am working on myself to be more accepting of DAG's wants in regards to sex with others, but that's going to take awhile (see my exchange with icesong about trust, sex and marriage) Sex with DAG means A LOT to me and knowing he's having sex with others without me makes me very envious.

Also, I have done a lot of work in admitting I have certain emotions, identifying those emotions and working through them. It's been a hard road to get to the point I am now, but it has definitely been worth it! In short, feel your feelings and don't be afraid to talk about it with your partner/SO. It sounds like you are already at that point.

For now, I don't have anything new regarding our practicing of poly. DAG is not romantically involved with anyone on his own. We do have a friend who we both love. I'd like to be in a triad with this guy (Onyx) but in discussing it with DAG, it seems DAG is not enthusiastic about that idea (not what he said, but is body language and facial expressions gave it away).

I am glad you found my posts helpful and relatable. If you have any questions about my posts, please feel free to ask.

There will be more to come, I am sure.
 

Ostrich

Member
Teach paid us a visit this weekend. He took us to a concert Saturday night and we all had a great time. His visit gave me more insight as to his relationship with DAG. They are still emotionally connected and DAG has told me he wants to have sex with DAG. I know I would be envious if that happened, but I think I am better prepared emotionally for that. But Teach knows DAG and I have an agreement in place about not having sex unless the other is participating. I drove Teach to his hotel and while on the drive, we started talking.

The conversation quickly turned to mutual attraction and sex. He and I are still in friendship mode and are still emotionally aligned. He said he considers me a more close friend than before. He also finds me attractive and would be up for sexual exploration with me and DAG.

I was floored! He and I are on the same wavelength as far as our relationship and his wants regarding sex among the three of us. This made my night. This revelation made me feel wanted and attractive. The fact that he wants to express and share himself with us both gave me a much brighter outlook on my relationship with him as well as my relationship with DAG. I am not sure how to explain that last part. I think it has to do with the revelation that one of DAG's good friends is interested in me and that somehow helps me be close to DAG.

I think the idea of being physically close to both of them in a very intimate act is driving that feeling of emotional closeness with DAG. Anyone else experience that feeling? Is that a form of compersion? I'm trying to be as clear as possible on this, but kind of lack reference on how to describe. This group is great about asking questions, so please ask away.

Anyway, I told DAG about our conversation and he's was receptive to the idea (shocker!). So the three of us are on board with it. I'd like for it to happen while Teach is here, but I will not force it. We are traveling to Teach's place for Thanksgiving, so maybe it will happen then.

For the second time in a long time, I feel involved in a positive, constructive way with DAGs friends. From an introverts perspective, it feels amazing to be in a mutually leveled relationship with someone besides DAG. Onyx is the other positive relationship.

Progress!!! I love it and feel very positive for all three relationships (DAG, Teach and Onyx).

As always, more to come!
 
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