Irony Is Dead

Ostrich

Active member
WOW! Just... WOW!

Our Thanksgiving holiday with Teach was fantastic! Flew in Wednesday night, and flew out Saturday morning. On Thanksgiving day, he gave us a walking tour of his neighborhood. While out, we walked past the house of one of his neighbors, who happened to be home. He knocks on their door and they invite us in. So there we were, in his friends house, drinking wine and watching them cook Thanksgiving dinner. For complete strangers, we had a really good conversation. They invited us to dinner, but we had other plans. If there are other people in the neighborhood like this couple, then I could see myself living there. Later that night, he takes us to another couple's home for Thanksgiving dinner. Again, good booze and great food (I've never had pork stuffing before. It was really good). I baked a pecan pie for the dinner. It didn't take to long for it to disappear.

Friday, we hung out and toured the city. Great places to eat and see. That night, we went to an art show at a local brewery. DAG and I saw a painting we wanted, but it was a little too expensive. Teach found a piece of wall art he couldn't live without, so he bought it. We met his friend who had one of his pieces on display. It was beautiful, but again, out of our price point range. No matter, we had a great time!

I want to go back. DAG and I got along great! No fussing or arguing. Just us being us and really enjoying each other. Teach was the perfect host. One night, we were all in Teach's bed, watching TV. DAG was between us, passed out. Teach and I were cuddling him. After the TV show was over, DAG wakes up and wants to go back to our bed, so he can use the CPAP machine to help him sleep. While Teach and I didn't want the moment to end, we both knew DAG needed his CPAP. So DAG and I went to our own bed. The next morning, we went back to Teach's bedroom to talk. DAG had been there about 30 mins to an hour ahead of me, so they could have their pillow talk. I showed up and sat on the bed and we all talked about sex, love and life. Teach then confirmed that he wanted both of us to stay in bed with him the night before, if anything, just to sleep.

The discussion was all easy going and not stress inducing. Just us opening up about ourselves to each other. A really great time. While we did not have sex the entire time we were there, it was OK with me. If it happened, it happened. If it didn't, then no stress or disappointment. That is a great feeling.

DAG and I want to go back, hopefully early next year, but since Teach travels quite a bit, he may visit us before we visit him. Either way, I'm looking forward to seeing him again. Every time he and I are together, we seem to create a stronger bond between ourselves. Of course, it doesn't hurt that he and DAG are also creating a stronger bond. I haven't felt this good about a relationship outside our marriage in a very long time.

More to come!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
That's great! I'm happy for you!
 

Ostrich

Active member
A quick update. I spoke with DAG this weekend about our lack of sex. He stated since I say I'm not more emotionally connected with him, then he feels he can't have sex with me. Why should he have sex with someone who is not fully emotionally connected with him? So for us to have sex, I have to work on my emotional connection with him. My question then is this: does he still want an open marriage? If so, then it will continue to be an emotional connection issue with me (as in: why should I be more enmeshed emotionally?). At least I got the conversation started. We have a marriage counseling session today, so hopefully I can put this on the agenda for discussion. I really need to work on my view of sex. It continues to trip me up.

Also, Joker sent out a group invite for his fiance's birthday party. Guess who isn't (for now) on it? B and FC. DAG and I talked about the event. He wants to spend a short time at the party and leave. I want to stay longer than a few minutes, just to enjoy myself and get to know Joker and Fiance better. The party is also an hour long, so it's not like we'll be there a long time anyway. It's also at an event site, so on neutral territory.
 

Ostrich

Active member
Today is my 5 year wedding anniversary with DAG! There were times I thought we wouldn't make it this far. The fact that I'm still here after thick and very thin is a testament to my commitment to my relationship with him.

I feel we had a really good session with our marriage counselor. DAG and I continued to bring her up to speed on our past experimentation with ENM. We spent some time discussing the lack of sex in our marriage, with DAG stating he didn't want to have sex with me unless he knew I was more fully emotionally committed to him. Fair enough. I then asked if he still wanted an open marriage. He said if there is an opportunity to do so, then we could discuss and explore it. At first, I was mildly surprised, because I was thinking after what we went through, he might be gun shy. But no, he would be open to it again, should the circumstances permit. This helps! Now I can figure out how to move forward. My first instinct was to keep the relationship as-is. As in, keep it at current de-escalation level. Then I had a change of heart. Why not get closer emotionally to DAG? Live in the now and not worry about the future. Burn that bridge when we get to it (that is, if it needs burning).

I think that's the best way for me forward. Get closer to DAG emotionally and see if our relationship benefits and grows.

There are other things I want to ask him. I need to grow some balls to do so. I am more afraid of his answer than I am of his reaction. Actually, I don't care about his reaction, just his answer.

5 years. DAMN! Time flies!
 

Ostrich

Active member
I am afraid if I share this with the universe, the universe will punish me for enjoying life.

Last night, DAG and I went to Flunky's (formerly Fiance) surprise birthday party. I had an awesome time!! Joker planned the party to perfection! He and Flunky have really good friends and it seemed everyone had a great time. DAG and I loved it. So much so that I feel more emotionally connected to DAG, which is always a good thing!

As for B and FC. They were no shows. So who on this board told them not to drop by? LOL Extreme awkwardness avoided. I really like Joker and Flunky and I showed up for them. Two amazing people which I would like to have in my life on a more regular basis. This event was a good step in that direction.

On another note, I have a question about 'ownership' which I will share on the relationship board.

More to come!
 

Ostrich

Active member
To: @Magdlyn
Re: Non Violent Communication

Over the Christmas holiday, DAG and I went out of state to visit his family. I stayed for a few days and flew home, while DAG is taking an extended vacation through New Years and won't be home until a couple of days after NYE.

On the flight back home, I read more scripture from 'Non Violent Communication'. I started the section on anger. While the book is really good overall, this chapter hit home for me. The part where Marshall describes his meeting with a prisoner and about how the prisoner was angry at the guard personnel started my own thoughts about my anger process.

So here goes: The thought of DAG sleeping with Bruiser triggered me. Why? Why did I get all riled up whenever I thought of DAG and Bruiser knocking boots? I read further into the part about the prisoner and Marshall's description of how anger is aimed at the surface event, not at the underlying reason. The underlying reason is where the anger is rooted. Once you identify the reason and acknowledge it, then the healing can begin.

Before I reveal anything further, I will set the stage. Back at the beginning of our open marriage adventure, I was experiencing a physical issue which was putting a damper on my sexual well being. I wasn't interested in sex. It was a big strain on our relationship. It was during this time when DAG slept with Bruiser.

Yes, I gave my OK for DAG to pursue Bruiser, but underneath, I was mad that DAG didn't trust me to resolve my sexual issue. In fact, the issue was resolved 2 or 3 weeks after DAG first had sex with Bruiser. I was working to resolve my sexual issue, so why couldn't he wait until it was resolved? I felt he didn't trust me to resolve it, so he slept with Bruiser to relieve pent-up sexual desires.

From an emotional level, it all clicked!! I was mad at DAG for not trusting me. That was the reason for my anger.

As soon as I made that connection, the anger went away. All this time, I had been working to chip away at it, approaching it from different angles. Not a lot of success, but enough to feel like I was making progress.

What a Christmas present!!! I have a huge weight lifted off of me! I am no longer carrying a chip on my shoulder.

Thank you Mags, for pointing me in the right direction!!! I should have read this book before I even laid eyes on 'Ethical Slut'. While I can't say for certain, I feel that things would have gone for the better in our initial practicing of poly.

Before our Christmas travels, I reviewed some of the events during the B and FC era with DAG. It was good to have some reminders of how his relationship with Bruiser worked (I have a faulty memory and I'm working on reigning in my imagination, hence the need for reminders). Very constructive discussions, no loud voices, negative comments nor name calling. Really good talks with some additional context revealed.

I hope the reader had a great holiday season and have constructive resolutions for the new year!

More to come!!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
To: @Magdlyn
Re: Non Violent Communication

Over the Christmas holiday, DAG and I went out of state to visit his family. I stayed for a few days and flew home, while DAG is taking an extended vacation through New Years and won't be home until a couple of days after NYE.

On the flight back home, I read more scripture from 'Non Violent Communication'. I started the section on anger. While the book is really good overall, this chapter hit home for me. The part where Marshall describes his meeting with a prisoner and about how the prisoner was angry at the guard personnel started my own thoughts about my anger process.

So here goes: The thought of DAG sleeping with Bruiser triggered me. Why? Why did I get all riled up whenever I thought of DAG and Bruiser knocking boots? I read further into the part about the prisoner and Marshall's description of how anger is aimed at the surface event, not at the underlying reason. The underlying reason is where the anger is rooted. Once you identify the reason and acknowledge it, then the healing can begin.

Before I reveal anything further, I will set the stage. Back at the beginning of our open marriage adventure, I was experiencing a physical issue which was putting a damper on my sexual well being. I wasn't interested in sex. It was a big strain on our relationship. It was during this time when DAG slept with Bruiser.

Yes, I gave my OK for DAG to pursue Bruiser, but underneath, I was mad that DAG didn't trust me to resolve my sexual issue. In fact, the issue was resolved 2 or 3 weeks after DAG first had sex with Bruiser. I was working to resolve my sexual issue, so why couldn't he wait until it was resolved? I felt he didn't trust me to resolve it, so he slept with Bruiser to relieve pent-up sexual desires.

From an emotional level, it all clicked!! I was mad at DAG for not trusting me. That was the reason for my anger.

As soon as I made that connection, the anger went away. All this time, I had been working to chip away at it, approaching it from different angles. Not a lot of success, but enough to feel like I was making progress.

What a Christmas present!!! I have a huge weight lifted off of me! I am no longer carrying a chip on my shoulder.

Thank you Mags, for pointing me in the right direction!!! I should have read this book before I even laid eyes on 'Ethical Slut'. While I can't say for certain, I feel that things would have gone for the better in our initial practicing of poly.

Before our Christmas travels, I reviewed some of the events during the B and FC era with DAG. It was good to have some reminders of how his relationship with Bruiser worked (I have a faulty memory and I'm working on reigning in my imagination, hence the need for reminders). Very constructive discussions, no loud voices, negative comments nor name calling. Really good talks with some additional context revealed.

I hope the reader had a great holiday season and have constructive resolutions for the new year!

More to come!!

Although I am familiar with Non-Violent Communication methods, I had to go back in your thread to see where I recommended a book with that specific name. I see it was actually GalaGirl who recommended it. I used other books to learn these methods when I was working as a lactation specialist/parenting counselor years ago. I am currently reading Opening Up by Taormino, which also stresses the techniques of this method.

But I am so glad you had a big breakthrough into the roots of your anger! So often the first question isn't the real question.

Good job, good progress.

I am not a fan of Ethical Slut. It has a catchy name, but it didn't help me much when it was one of very few new books on polyamory back in the late '90s.
 

Ostrich

Active member
Mags,
I see it was actually GalaGirl who recommended it
I profusely apologize for getting goddesses mixed up!!! As always, your feedback is greatly appreciated, no matter.

I am not a fan of Ethical Slut.

Thank the gods I am not the only one who was underwhelmed. I thought it was written by cheerleaders. (Give me a P! Give me an O!) I get it, you want to paint your lifestyle in rosy colors, but c'mon.
 

Ostrich

Active member
Yesterday was a double whammy of...interesting things.

First, DAG flew home from his trip over the holidays. It was really good to see him and we had some sexual contact for the first time in a year. We missed each other a great deal, but no lie, I enjoyed having a week to myself to do what I wanted to do. Plus, he wasn't bothering me to get stuff done around the house. He let me be. We did have some good conversations by phone and text, so we kept in touch throughout our time away from each other. I also told him about my resolution to my last remaining anger issue from the B and FC era. He noted that my anger was misplaced and I wholeheartedly agreed. It wasn't an appropriate place for the anger, but it was there nevertheless. The fact that it has been resolved is a huge roadblock removed, so I feel I can move forward in my relationship with DAG is a positive way.

Second, Teach texted me yesterday. He said he wanted me to know that he loves DAG in a romantic way. He loves me, but not in the same way. I am fine with the part about his love for me. I wasn't expecting him to have any other kind of love for me. For some reason, his admission about having romantic feelings for DAG hit me in an odd way. I'll try to explain. It's taken me two years to work through my issues with DAG's foray into practicing poly. I finally addressed the last remaining issue and now someone else comes along and professes their love of DAG to me.

I am resigned and tired. I have come to accept my husband is an ethical slut (lol) and while I can voice my concerns and wants, ultimately, it's his life and I can only watch (yes, there is more that I could do, but it may or may not affect how DAG moves forward with Teach). So ultimately, all I can do are things which can protect me emotionally. YAY boundaries! While I know I can't say for certain, I am more sure that we'll open up our marriage again, so DAG and Teach can fully enjoy a romantic relationship.

One other thing of note regarding Teach. He told me he felt guilty in loving DAG. I asked him why he felt guilty. I told him he has no reason to feel guilty. He hasn't responded, so I plan to follow up with him today on that. He and I had a conversation a few weeks ago about turning our relationships into a triad. He didn't want that, because of DAG and I being married, as marriage carries the legal aspects of marriage and it wouldn't be 'equal' or fair to him. I disagree, but that's Teach's POV and it would take several of serious discussions with the three of us to sway him (assuming he can be convinced). DAG would be open to a triad with Teach, as he has said as much.

This didn't happen yesterday, but needs to be aired out anyway. Geyser came by the house on New Year's Day and we had a great conversation about different subjects. The convo steered towards poly relationships. I think Geyser is interested in starting a more meaningful relationship with me again. He said he wants to come over more to mainly see me and to also see DAG. He and DAG get along nicely, so it wouldn't awkward if Geyser and I started a romantic relationship. DAG has said in the past that he would be supportive of any romantic relationship I might have, especially with Geyser.

At least I feel prepared for how the DAG's relationship with Teach unfolds. My boundaries are in place and I am confident they will carry me through most issues which might pop up from this relationship, which might affect me. As long as I respect myself and DAG respects my boundaries, then we should be OK.

More to come.
 

Ostrich

Active member
I thought more about what I wrote in yesterday's post. I realize I made some assumptions about DAG's and Teach's relationship, which shouldn't have been made. There isn't any solid evidence that they'll have sex. They want it, and I heard it from them both. DAG and I still have the 'no sex with out me' agreement in place. My only assumption now is that DAG and I will have to re-negotiate that agreement. But so far, DAG has not approached me about it. So again, a bridge that won't be crossed until we get to it.

I am all for their relationship. I fully support it. Which leads to this. A new boundary I have in place is for me to not be in the vicinity when it happens, as I do not want to hear it. I know I will be envious, so that is something I need to work through. But still, I plan to make myself scarce.

I am proud of myself for recognizing my assumption and dealing with it. I talked to DAG last night about my misplaced anger towards him regarding his sleeping with Bruiser. He asked me if I knew it was misplaced and I said yes. I've always known it was misplaced/misdirected. But the emotion was real, even if it was misplaced.

Anyway, I thought I needed to clarify what I wrote in the previous post. I am in a much better place now and I am happy with that.
 

Ostrich

Active member
Teach showed up over the US holiday weekend. It was a short notice trip, but fortunately, DAG and I were around to host him. Another good visit between Teach and I. He told me that he considers DAG and I to be in his inner circle of friends. The fact that he considers me to be a close friend means so much to me. I am not looking at this through NRE goggles. I still have some skepticism regarding his relationship with me (I am comfortable with my relationship with him and I've told him how I feel about him). He can get into certain moods (seemingly agitated? I don't have enough information to provide clarity) and those moods impact how I see my relationship with him.

We did not get a chance to talk about his feelings of guilt regarding his love of a married man, who happens to be DAG. Maybe that's a good thing. It is his feelings, not mine, so it's up to him to deal with him. I want to help, but only if he asks. He hasn't asked, so I won't help.

With that, Teach wants to have a cabin trip in another state. No details as yet, but it would involve four other guys. Seven gay men in a cabin for a long weekend. What could go wrong? I know, that's sarcasm, but still, there is a kernel of truth about the appearance of drama.

All in all, it was good to see Teach again and I look forward to continuing our relationship.

More to come!
 
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