Irony Is Dead

Ostrich

Member
Some updates.

DAG and Polo have officially ended their relationship. Polo got jealous one too many times and DAG said 'no more'.

Our relationship with Onyx has grown. We still have separate relationships, with DAG and Onyx's pairing getting more involved. My relationship with Onyx is not getting that involved as yet, but I really like him and I see potential for a deeper relationship. He will be visiting us in February and we've all agreed to have a round table discussion about our lives and relationships. Hopefully we will be able to talk about a triad, but I may be putting the cart ahead of the horse. Rein it in!

I had a very good session with my therapist yesterday. I've learned how to accept my anger and that anger is a good thing. It alerts us to problems. I now have to learn to accept anger, and let it roll out of me. So yesterday was a good day.

Today is a different story. I need more help than I imagined. This is not like me at all and it is really beginning to wear on my mental health.

I must be traumatized. The experiences of the last year have been life changing to say the least. One day I am tap dancing on the graves of DAGs relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs and the next I am confused as to why Bruiser and Fisticuffs were confused about what I wanted, when I left the door open for questions from those two. This shit show will remain a shit show, even in it's death.

LET THE FUCKING THING GO!!!!!

The anger discussion will continue with the therapist, probably over the next several weeks. Which is a great thing. I looking forward to learning how to identify it, admit that I am mad, locate what is making me mad, and wrestle it to the ground. Then kill it.

I did learn something today. Never apologize for something: a)if the event didn't intentionally hurt anyone b) if you apologized to please someone else. c) if you don't really mean it. I am willing to entertain ideas from others about these :)
 

icesong

Active member
I did learn something today. Never apologize for something: a)if the event didn't intentionally hurt anyone b) if you apologized to please someone else. c) if you don't really mean it. I am willing to entertain ideas from others about these :)
B&C I absolutely agree with, but I think I might quibble with A. There are things I could do, intentionally, that I might believe wouldn't hurt anyone BUT their actual impact did. I didn't *intend* to do harm... but I did... so I should apologize for that. This can be taken too far - there are also times in which someone's actions had nothing to do with the offended party at all so their hurt is not something that should be apologized for - but I just don't think "A" is a universal rule.

I'm being too vague though, I think. Knight's ex-partner Pink was... not entirely comfortable with her own sexuality and was very unhappy with him for wanting to explore with additional women outside our quad - that was really the incompatibility that broke our quad, though it was only the proverbial camel's straw. And so when he was intimate with another woman during their relationship, having made no promises not to be, she expected apologies for it. At this point I don't even remember whether he DID apologize or not - at the time I wanted him to, because I was trying to hold the whole thing together, but I don't believe now he should have... so that's an example that agrees with item A from your list.

Not sure I have a good *actual* rather than theoretical counter example, but the best I can come up with is a situation where something happens to me that negatively involves person A, who unbeknownst to me also has a relationship with person B. I tell person B about what happened - it's my life and my story, right? And I intentionally told it. But then whatever the thing was turns out to cause conflict between person A and person B. I didn't *intend* to cause issues between them - I didn't even know they knew each other, in this particular instance. But I did negatively impact person A and for that, I'd probably apologize despite having done nothing *technically* wrong.
 

Ostrich

Member
Not sure I have a good *actual* rather than theoretical counter example, but the best I can come up with is a situation where something happens to me that negatively involves person A, who unbeknownst to me also has a relationship with person B. I tell person B about what happened - it's my life and my story, right? And I intentionally told it. But then whatever the thing was turns out to cause conflict between person A and person B. I didn't *intend* to cause issues between them - I didn't even know they knew each other, in this particular instance. But I did negatively impact person A and for that, I'd probably apologize despite having done nothing *technically* wrong.

I think in that scenario, it would depend on the relationship I had with person A. I've also learned through experience if I speak with person B about A, then I include a disclaimer about 'please don't let what I say influence your thoughts about this person' whether I know they know them, or not.

The world I live in is pretty small, and it seems that a couple of people in my world know just about everyone, so I watch how I present things, or at least caveat what I say to lessen the impact.
 

icesong

Active member
I think in that scenario, it would depend on the relationship I had with person A. I've also learned through experience if I speak with person B about A, then I include a disclaimer about 'please don't let what I say influence your thoughts about this person' whether I know they know them, or not.

I mean that's fair, but I also think it's disingenuous (as are many disclaimers, honestly).
 

Ostrich

Member
icesong

I mean that's fair, but I also think it's disingenuous (as are many disclaimers, honestly).

Good point. Everything after 'but' is bullshit. Agreed A) is a tough one. Fun times!
 

Ostrich

Member
There is a question I have for DAG, but I on the fence about asking it, as I am afraid of one of the possible answers.

During one of our marriage counseling sessions, he admitted he had thought about pursuing an 'I do what I want' way of life, but was afraid of telling anyone (including me) due to reservations about what others would say, especially his family (i.e. mom, aunts, uncles, cousins). I do not understand why he didn't tell me, since I am married to him and this way of life directly affects me. He also knows I am not judgemental about what he wants, so why not tell me in the beginning? He keeps telling me I am the love of his life and says we are a unit. If that's the case, then why hold back?

Anyway, my question is if he decided to practice this way of life before we married, or after? If the answer is 'before', then he lied to me by omission. We had a discussion about what we wanted out of our relationship and this topic never came up. I am not sure I am ready for that answer, if that truly is the case. I know one thing, my pain from this past year could have been mostly avoided. We could have at least established some boundaries and understandings, and moved forward from there.

One other question about this: does it matter what's the answer? It's in the past, so one point of view would be that it doesn't matter, we're where we are now and need to move forward. But if he did lie, then what? I've already de-escalated the relationship, so not sure what else I could do to address this, except to talk to him about it in a constructive manner.

Another part of me wants to know, just to get it out of the way. I hope he made the decision to pursue this way of life after we married. I could accept that situation more readily.
 
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Ostrich

Member
The reader may wonder why I am posting this. In this current out-of-whack world, I need to mark something in my life, aside from my birthday and wedding anniversary. The first just gets me older and the second is beginning to make me groan in disappointment.

So here is my new anniversary. Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of The Rule. The rule which dinged my relationship with DAG. The rule also DAG and began my journey into independently discovering what the practice of what poly means to me and how to navigate the pitfalls.

I wrote about this early on in this blog, but will give an abbreviated version it here. DAG told me once that Bruiser liked to choke people during sex and notched DAG as a 'win'. I am not a big fan of bruises and I don't want to see them on DAG (here's the thread).

So my genius self sent Bruiser a text which started with a 'leave me out of you and DAG's mess' message, and then concluded with The Rule. The Rule being 'please don't leave any bruises on DAG when you guys have sex'.

The Rule was so well received by Bruiser and DAG, that I never had to come up with another one. Yes, Bruiser showed DAG the text message at his earliest opportunity. So, go me!

Interestingly enough, Bruiser never brought The Rule up to me whenever we met face-to-face after that. To be fair, I think I saw Bruiser in person four times after that and we might have exchanged five sentences between us in all that time, but still, there were opportunities for him to bring it up.

As mentioned above, this was the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' with Bruiser. Truthfully, it should have never gone further than the introductory dinner with the four of us (me, DAG, Bruiser and Fisticuffs).

So there you go, my marking of a significant anniversary in my life. May it continue to give me life!

One parting shot. Fisticuffs once made the remark to me about 'one day, we'll all look back at this and laugh'.

I'm still not laughing.
 
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