Irony Is Dead

Ostrich

Member
Some updates.

DAG and Polo have officially ended their relationship. Polo got jealous one too many times and DAG said 'no more'.

Our relationship with Onyx has grown. We still have separate relationships, with DAG and Onyx's pairing getting more involved. My relationship with Onyx is not getting that involved as yet, but I really like him and I see potential for a deeper relationship. He will be visiting us in February and we've all agreed to have a round table discussion about our lives and relationships. Hopefully we will be able to talk about a triad, but I may be putting the cart ahead of the horse. Rein it in!

I had a very good session with my therapist yesterday. I've learned how to accept my anger and that anger is a good thing. It alerts us to problems. I now have to learn to accept anger, and let it roll out of me. So yesterday was a good day.

Today is a different story. I need more help than I imagined. This is not like me at all and it is really beginning to wear on my mental health.

I must be traumatized. The experiences of the last year have been life changing to say the least. One day I am tap dancing on the graves of DAGs relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs and the next I am confused as to why Bruiser and Fisticuffs were confused about what I wanted, when I left the door open for questions from those two. This shit show will remain a shit show, even in it's death.

LET THE FUCKING THING GO!!!!!

The anger discussion will continue with the therapist, probably over the next several weeks. Which is a great thing. I looking forward to learning how to identify it, admit that I am mad, locate what is making me mad, and wrestle it to the ground. Then kill it.

I did learn something today. Never apologize for something: a)if the event didn't intentionally hurt anyone b) if you apologized to please someone else. c) if you don't really mean it. I am willing to entertain ideas from others about these :)
 

icesong

Moderator
I did learn something today. Never apologize for something: a)if the event didn't intentionally hurt anyone b) if you apologized to please someone else. c) if you don't really mean it. I am willing to entertain ideas from others about these :)
B&C I absolutely agree with, but I think I might quibble with A. There are things I could do, intentionally, that I might believe wouldn't hurt anyone BUT their actual impact did. I didn't *intend* to do harm... but I did... so I should apologize for that. This can be taken too far - there are also times in which someone's actions had nothing to do with the offended party at all so their hurt is not something that should be apologized for - but I just don't think "A" is a universal rule.

I'm being too vague though, I think. Knight's ex-partner Pink was... not entirely comfortable with her own sexuality and was very unhappy with him for wanting to explore with additional women outside our quad - that was really the incompatibility that broke our quad, though it was only the proverbial camel's straw. And so when he was intimate with another woman during their relationship, having made no promises not to be, she expected apologies for it. At this point I don't even remember whether he DID apologize or not - at the time I wanted him to, because I was trying to hold the whole thing together, but I don't believe now he should have... so that's an example that agrees with item A from your list.

Not sure I have a good *actual* rather than theoretical counter example, but the best I can come up with is a situation where something happens to me that negatively involves person A, who unbeknownst to me also has a relationship with person B. I tell person B about what happened - it's my life and my story, right? And I intentionally told it. But then whatever the thing was turns out to cause conflict between person A and person B. I didn't *intend* to cause issues between them - I didn't even know they knew each other, in this particular instance. But I did negatively impact person A and for that, I'd probably apologize despite having done nothing *technically* wrong.
 

Ostrich

Member
Not sure I have a good *actual* rather than theoretical counter example, but the best I can come up with is a situation where something happens to me that negatively involves person A, who unbeknownst to me also has a relationship with person B. I tell person B about what happened - it's my life and my story, right? And I intentionally told it. But then whatever the thing was turns out to cause conflict between person A and person B. I didn't *intend* to cause issues between them - I didn't even know they knew each other, in this particular instance. But I did negatively impact person A and for that, I'd probably apologize despite having done nothing *technically* wrong.

I think in that scenario, it would depend on the relationship I had with person A. I've also learned through experience if I speak with person B about A, then I include a disclaimer about 'please don't let what I say influence your thoughts about this person' whether I know they know them, or not.

The world I live in is pretty small, and it seems that a couple of people in my world know just about everyone, so I watch how I present things, or at least caveat what I say to lessen the impact.
 

icesong

Moderator
I think in that scenario, it would depend on the relationship I had with person A. I've also learned through experience if I speak with person B about A, then I include a disclaimer about 'please don't let what I say influence your thoughts about this person' whether I know they know them, or not.

I mean that's fair, but I also think it's disingenuous (as are many disclaimers, honestly).
 

Ostrich

Member
icesong

I mean that's fair, but I also think it's disingenuous (as are many disclaimers, honestly).

Good point. Everything after 'but' is bullshit. Agreed A) is a tough one. Fun times!
 

Ostrich

Member
There is a question I have for DAG, but I on the fence about asking it, as I am afraid of one of the possible answers.

During one of our marriage counseling sessions, he admitted he had thought about pursuing an 'I do what I want' way of life, but was afraid of telling anyone (including me) due to reservations about what others would say, especially his family (i.e. mom, aunts, uncles, cousins). I do not understand why he didn't tell me, since I am married to him and this way of life directly affects me. He also knows I am not judgemental about what he wants, so why not tell me in the beginning? He keeps telling me I am the love of his life and says we are a unit. If that's the case, then why hold back?

Anyway, my question is if he decided to practice this way of life before we married, or after? If the answer is 'before', then he lied to me by omission. We had a discussion about what we wanted out of our relationship and this topic never came up. I am not sure I am ready for that answer, if that truly is the case. I know one thing, my pain from this past year could have been mostly avoided. We could have at least established some boundaries and understandings, and moved forward from there.

One other question about this: does it matter what's the answer? It's in the past, so one point of view would be that it doesn't matter, we're where we are now and need to move forward. But if he did lie, then what? I've already de-escalated the relationship, so not sure what else I could do to address this, except to talk to him about it in a constructive manner.

Another part of me wants to know, just to get it out of the way. I hope he made the decision to pursue this way of life after we married. I could accept that situation more readily.
 
Last edited:

Ostrich

Member
The reader may wonder why I am posting this. In this current out-of-whack world, I need to mark something in my life, aside from my birthday and wedding anniversary. The first just gets me older and the second is beginning to make me groan in disappointment.

So here is my new anniversary. Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of The Rule. The rule which dinged my relationship with DAG. The rule also DAG and began my journey into independently discovering what the practice of what poly means to me and how to navigate the pitfalls.

I wrote about this early on in this blog, but will give an abbreviated version it here. DAG told me once that Bruiser liked to choke people during sex and notched DAG as a 'win'. I am not a big fan of bruises and I don't want to see them on DAG (here's the thread).

So my genius self sent Bruiser a text which started with a 'leave me out of you and DAG's mess' message, and then concluded with The Rule. The Rule being 'please don't leave any bruises on DAG when you guys have sex'.

The Rule was so well received by Bruiser and DAG, that I never had to come up with another one. Yes, Bruiser showed DAG the text message at his earliest opportunity. So, go me!

Interestingly enough, Bruiser never brought The Rule up to me whenever we met face-to-face after that. To be fair, I think I saw Bruiser in person four times after that and we might have exchanged five sentences between us in all that time, but still, there were opportunities for him to bring it up.

As mentioned above, this was the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' with Bruiser. Truthfully, it should have never gone further than the introductory dinner with the four of us (me, DAG, Bruiser and Fisticuffs).

So there you go, my marking of a significant anniversary in my life. May it continue to give me life!

One parting shot. Fisticuffs once made the remark to me about 'one day, we'll all look back at this and laugh'.

I'm still not laughing.
 

Ostrich

Member
An update:

DAG has tested my limits with his relationship with Polo. Twice, DAG has blocked Polo on his phone and social media, due to Polo's continued possessive and passive/aggressive behavior towards DAG. And twice, DAG has done an about face on ending his relationship with Polo.

I was upset the first time DAG reversed his stance on his relationship with Polo. The second time he reversed his decision, I gave up caring. It's his friendship and he can do whatever he wants. The only thing that really upset me so far in this particular situation is that Polo came to our house one night to hang out with DAG. I was in the basement playing a video game, because I did not want to be around them. I don't hate Polo, but I really don't care for the way he treats DAG. Evidently, DAG is OK with the way Polo treats him. No other way to explain why DAG keeps letting Polo in to his life.

Anyway, that night, Polo gets tipsy and a little high.
So he spends the night.
With DAG.
In another bedroom.
All night.

I found out this was happening, not from DAG, but I saw DAG's CPAP machine in the other bedroom, all hooked up for a nights rest.
I was pissed.
The next morning, while out on errands with DAG, I gently let him have it. For the first time in a very long time, DAG had no come back. After stating my piece (peace?), I let it go.

On my front, I am continuing weekly counseling sessions with my therapist. The sessions are going very well. I've finally admitted to myself that I am unhappy when DAG sleeps with other people. I know, simple stuff, but it is amazing what people do to hide from themselves. I told DAG of my unhappiness, and he went into hyperbole mode. If Ostrich is unhappy, then DAG will never sleep with anyone else ever again. LOL I know that is very unrealistic. If it makes DAG happy to sleep with other people, why should he stop? I can be supportive of his choice to do so, but not necessarily accepting or happy about them. That's a sticking point to work out between us.

Also, I opened up to DAG about what I wanted (and still want) out of our relationship. I told him I wanted someone who has an outgoing personality, who would bring me out of my shell. DAG has definitely done that, and I am happy with that.

However, the other thing I want, but was unable to identify it, or speak about it earlier, is someone who was in a position to settle down. Someone who had already 'sown their oats' and not really actively pursuing any sexual or romantic relationships outside of our marriage, but is open to a triad/throuple or *gasp* a foursome.

OOPS. I really regret not understanding my own wants. Sometimes the wants only appear after going through something which they do not want. With that, I am not left to clean up my own mess. I talked to DAG about this earlier this week. He detected a note of regret in my exposition, and asked me what I regret. Was it marrying him, or regret my action or inaction when he met Bruiser.

I did not have an answer for him. Not immediately anyway. I want to be sure I tell my truth. Not lie to make him happy. But really tell my truth. Without answering him right away, I spent the night thinking if I regretted marrying him (no, I do not), or if I regretting my actions when DAG met Bruiser (Oh, Fucking A I do). I answered him the next morning, but he was really upset that I waited so long to provide him an answer. He thought the answer should have been a slam dunk. It was not. He said he now doesn't know where our relationship is, that he feels he is on shaky ground. I did not put him there on purpose, but yet, this is where we are. I feel we are on shaky ground as well.

Here's why. I am thinking I need to tell him that if he still wants to pursue 'I do what I want', then go your own way, I'll go mine, and if our paths cross, so much the better. If not, then that's OK too. I mean that within the 'confines' of our marriage, not as an after effect of separation or divorce. Or approach it as 'do what you want, but leave me out of it' , as a way to limit my exposure in some manner.

I'll talk about the 'War of the Phone Numbers' later.

This just in: DAG's relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs are still dead.

More to come...
 

Ostrich

Member
This is due for an update.

DAG and I had a serious and difficult (for me) conversation yesterday and today. We talked about his want for intimate relationships, including having sex with other men outside of our marriage. I reiterated my desire for him to not have sex with others, unless it includes me in the session. We went back and forth about what we want, with the end result being DAG stating he will not pursue ANYTHING (including hobbies) which makes him happy, because he doesn't know what my reaction will be on any given situation.

He has a point. I do not have a problem with him sleeping with Onyx, Teach and Polo. My reasoning is this: I have met them and I do not have a problem with them in general. I get good vibes from them and they seem to get along with me. They also made an effort to get to know me, which again, scores huge points with me.

Which is the complete opposite of my reaction and 'do not want' with Bruiser. DAG is confused by my behavior and since he is confused, he is willing to shut everything down to prevent my passive aggressive behavior regarding his relationships.

I repeat: He is willing to shut everything down, not just intimate relationships.

Which leads to this. He is willing to be unhappy in order to make me happy. He is that much in love with me. He'd rather be unhappy and married to me, than to be happy and not married to me. I am paraphrasing, but those words came out of his mouth. I am not assuming anything. To me, this sucks HUGE DONKEY BALLS!

My view is this: Why be unhappy? How is a love for someone so great that you sacrifice your happiness?

I asked him this morning about why he's willing to be unhappy to make me happy. He point blank said it's because he loves me that much.

Dear Shiva! I would be bolting for the door (and I have a couple of times) if my only choice was to either be unhappy and married, or happy and unmarried. For me, happy and unmarried wins hands down.

I feel like the bad guy. I also realize it's his choice, not mine.

I have a lot more to work on in order for me to be comfortable with him having sex outside of our marriage. I want him to be happy too, but I get his point about me being OK with him having sex with some, but not with others. It's confusing. I am still in therapy, which is helping, but still, this is tough. I see marriage as giving two people some exclusivity to each other. Have something which no one else can have from me or him. Specifically sex.

One more thing. I am not happy about this, but it happened. Broadway, who is no longer friends with DAG, told me recently the reason Fisticuffs ended the relationship with DAG was that every time Fisticuffs heard or saw DAG, reminded him of all the things they talked about doing together which never came to fruition/reality. That DAG didn't keep his end of the bargain. The reason I'm not happy is that I told DAG this. I feel as if I broke a promise to Broadway. However, DAG is my husband, and I don't want to keep secrets from him. The other thing I am unhappy with is this: Fisticuffs never told DAG the reason why he ended the relationship. He just quit being in contact with DAG. I was the one to deliver the not-so-happy news. Fisticuffs was a proponent of 'be your authentic self' and telling the truth to others, so they know who you are. He fell down on that mantra. Wuss.

Anyway, this just in: Obviously, Bruiser's and Fisticuff's relationships with DAG are still dead.
 
Top