Irony Is Dead

Ostrich

Member
Some updates.

DAG and Polo have officially ended their relationship. Polo got jealous one too many times and DAG said 'no more'.

Our relationship with Onyx has grown. We still have separate relationships, with DAG and Onyx's pairing getting more involved. My relationship with Onyx is not getting that involved as yet, but I really like him and I see potential for a deeper relationship. He will be visiting us in February and we've all agreed to have a round table discussion about our lives and relationships. Hopefully we will be able to talk about a triad, but I may be putting the cart ahead of the horse. Rein it in!

I had a very good session with my therapist yesterday. I've learned how to accept my anger and that anger is a good thing. It alerts us to problems. I now have to learn to accept anger, and let it roll out of me. So yesterday was a good day.

Today is a different story. I need more help than I imagined. This is not like me at all and it is really beginning to wear on my mental health.

I must be traumatized. The experiences of the last year have been life changing to say the least. One day I am tap dancing on the graves of DAGs relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs and the next I am confused as to why Bruiser and Fisticuffs were confused about what I wanted, when I left the door open for questions from those two. This shit show will remain a shit show, even in it's death.

LET THE FUCKING THING GO!!!!!

The anger discussion will continue with the therapist, probably over the next several weeks. Which is a great thing. I looking forward to learning how to identify it, admit that I am mad, locate what is making me mad, and wrestle it to the ground. Then kill it.

I did learn something today. Never apologize for something: a)if the event didn't intentionally hurt anyone b) if you apologized to please someone else. c) if you don't really mean it. I am willing to entertain ideas from others about these :)
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I did learn something today. Never apologize for something: a)if the event didn't intentionally hurt anyone b) if you apologized to please someone else. c) if you don't really mean it. I am willing to entertain ideas from others about these :)
B&C I absolutely agree with, but I think I might quibble with A. There are things I could do, intentionally, that I might believe wouldn't hurt anyone BUT their actual impact did. I didn't *intend* to do harm... but I did... so I should apologize for that. This can be taken too far - there are also times in which someone's actions had nothing to do with the offended party at all so their hurt is not something that should be apologized for - but I just don't think "A" is a universal rule.

I'm being too vague though, I think. Knight's ex-partner Pink was... not entirely comfortable with her own sexuality and was very unhappy with him for wanting to explore with additional women outside our quad - that was really the incompatibility that broke our quad, though it was only the proverbial camel's straw. And so when he was intimate with another woman during their relationship, having made no promises not to be, she expected apologies for it. At this point I don't even remember whether he DID apologize or not - at the time I wanted him to, because I was trying to hold the whole thing together, but I don't believe now he should have... so that's an example that agrees with item A from your list.

Not sure I have a good *actual* rather than theoretical counter example, but the best I can come up with is a situation where something happens to me that negatively involves person A, who unbeknownst to me also has a relationship with person B. I tell person B about what happened - it's my life and my story, right? And I intentionally told it. But then whatever the thing was turns out to cause conflict between person A and person B. I didn't *intend* to cause issues between them - I didn't even know they knew each other, in this particular instance. But I did negatively impact person A and for that, I'd probably apologize despite having done nothing *technically* wrong.
 

Ostrich

Member
Not sure I have a good *actual* rather than theoretical counter example, but the best I can come up with is a situation where something happens to me that negatively involves person A, who unbeknownst to me also has a relationship with person B. I tell person B about what happened - it's my life and my story, right? And I intentionally told it. But then whatever the thing was turns out to cause conflict between person A and person B. I didn't *intend* to cause issues between them - I didn't even know they knew each other, in this particular instance. But I did negatively impact person A and for that, I'd probably apologize despite having done nothing *technically* wrong.

I think in that scenario, it would depend on the relationship I had with person A. I've also learned through experience if I speak with person B about A, then I include a disclaimer about 'please don't let what I say influence your thoughts about this person' whether I know they know them, or not.

The world I live in is pretty small, and it seems that a couple of people in my world know just about everyone, so I watch how I present things, or at least caveat what I say to lessen the impact.
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
I think in that scenario, it would depend on the relationship I had with person A. I've also learned through experience if I speak with person B about A, then I include a disclaimer about 'please don't let what I say influence your thoughts about this person' whether I know they know them, or not.

I mean that's fair, but I also think it's disingenuous (as are many disclaimers, honestly).
 

Ostrich

Member
icesong

I mean that's fair, but I also think it's disingenuous (as are many disclaimers, honestly).

Good point. Everything after 'but' is bullshit. Agreed A) is a tough one. Fun times!
 

Ostrich

Member
There is a question I have for DAG, but I on the fence about asking it, as I am afraid of one of the possible answers.

During one of our marriage counseling sessions, he admitted he had thought about pursuing an 'I do what I want' way of life, but was afraid of telling anyone (including me) due to reservations about what others would say, especially his family (i.e. mom, aunts, uncles, cousins). I do not understand why he didn't tell me, since I am married to him and this way of life directly affects me. He also knows I am not judgemental about what he wants, so why not tell me in the beginning? He keeps telling me I am the love of his life and says we are a unit. If that's the case, then why hold back?

Anyway, my question is if he decided to practice this way of life before we married, or after? If the answer is 'before', then he lied to me by omission. We had a discussion about what we wanted out of our relationship and this topic never came up. I am not sure I am ready for that answer, if that truly is the case. I know one thing, my pain from this past year could have been mostly avoided. We could have at least established some boundaries and understandings, and moved forward from there.

One other question about this: does it matter what's the answer? It's in the past, so one point of view would be that it doesn't matter, we're where we are now and need to move forward. But if he did lie, then what? I've already de-escalated the relationship, so not sure what else I could do to address this, except to talk to him about it in a constructive manner.

Another part of me wants to know, just to get it out of the way. I hope he made the decision to pursue this way of life after we married. I could accept that situation more readily.
 
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Ostrich

Member
The reader may wonder why I am posting this. In this current out-of-whack world, I need to mark something in my life, aside from my birthday and wedding anniversary. The first just gets me older and the second is beginning to make me groan in disappointment.

So here is my new anniversary. Tomorrow marks the first anniversary of The Rule. The rule which dinged my relationship with DAG. The rule also DAG and began my journey into independently discovering what the practice of what poly means to me and how to navigate the pitfalls.

I wrote about this early on in this blog, but will give an abbreviated version it here. DAG told me once that Bruiser liked to choke people during sex and notched DAG as a 'win'. I am not a big fan of bruises and I don't want to see them on DAG (here's the thread).

So my genius self sent Bruiser a text which started with a 'leave me out of you and DAG's mess' message, and then concluded with The Rule. The Rule being 'please don't leave any bruises on DAG when you guys have sex'.

The Rule was so well received by Bruiser and DAG, that I never had to come up with another one. Yes, Bruiser showed DAG the text message at his earliest opportunity. So, go me!

Interestingly enough, Bruiser never brought The Rule up to me whenever we met face-to-face after that. To be fair, I think I saw Bruiser in person four times after that and we might have exchanged five sentences between us in all that time, but still, there were opportunities for him to bring it up.

As mentioned above, this was the beginning of the end of my 'relationship' with Bruiser. Truthfully, it should have never gone further than the introductory dinner with the four of us (me, DAG, Bruiser and Fisticuffs).

So there you go, my marking of a significant anniversary in my life. May it continue to give me life!

One parting shot. Fisticuffs once made the remark to me about 'one day, we'll all look back at this and laugh'.

I'm still not laughing.
 

Ostrich

Member
An update:

DAG has tested my limits with his relationship with Polo. Twice, DAG has blocked Polo on his phone and social media, due to Polo's continued possessive and passive/aggressive behavior towards DAG. And twice, DAG has done an about face on ending his relationship with Polo.

I was upset the first time DAG reversed his stance on his relationship with Polo. The second time he reversed his decision, I gave up caring. It's his friendship and he can do whatever he wants. The only thing that really upset me so far in this particular situation is that Polo came to our house one night to hang out with DAG. I was in the basement playing a video game, because I did not want to be around them. I don't hate Polo, but I really don't care for the way he treats DAG. Evidently, DAG is OK with the way Polo treats him. No other way to explain why DAG keeps letting Polo in to his life.

Anyway, that night, Polo gets tipsy and a little high.
So he spends the night.
With DAG.
In another bedroom.
All night.

I found out this was happening, not from DAG, but I saw DAG's CPAP machine in the other bedroom, all hooked up for a nights rest.
I was pissed.
The next morning, while out on errands with DAG, I gently let him have it. For the first time in a very long time, DAG had no come back. After stating my piece (peace?), I let it go.

On my front, I am continuing weekly counseling sessions with my therapist. The sessions are going very well. I've finally admitted to myself that I am unhappy when DAG sleeps with other people. I know, simple stuff, but it is amazing what people do to hide from themselves. I told DAG of my unhappiness, and he went into hyperbole mode. If Ostrich is unhappy, then DAG will never sleep with anyone else ever again. LOL I know that is very unrealistic. If it makes DAG happy to sleep with other people, why should he stop? I can be supportive of his choice to do so, but not necessarily accepting or happy about them. That's a sticking point to work out between us.

Also, I opened up to DAG about what I wanted (and still want) out of our relationship. I told him I wanted someone who has an outgoing personality, who would bring me out of my shell. DAG has definitely done that, and I am happy with that.

However, the other thing I want, but was unable to identify it, or speak about it earlier, is someone who was in a position to settle down. Someone who had already 'sown their oats' and not really actively pursuing any sexual or romantic relationships outside of our marriage, but is open to a triad/throuple or *gasp* a foursome.

OOPS. I really regret not understanding my own wants. Sometimes the wants only appear after going through something which they do not want. With that, I am not left to clean up my own mess. I talked to DAG about this earlier this week. He detected a note of regret in my exposition, and asked me what I regret. Was it marrying him, or regret my action or inaction when he met Bruiser.

I did not have an answer for him. Not immediately anyway. I want to be sure I tell my truth. Not lie to make him happy. But really tell my truth. Without answering him right away, I spent the night thinking if I regretted marrying him (no, I do not), or if I regretting my actions when DAG met Bruiser (Oh, Fucking A I do). I answered him the next morning, but he was really upset that I waited so long to provide him an answer. He thought the answer should have been a slam dunk. It was not. He said he now doesn't know where our relationship is, that he feels he is on shaky ground. I did not put him there on purpose, but yet, this is where we are. I feel we are on shaky ground as well.

Here's why. I am thinking I need to tell him that if he still wants to pursue 'I do what I want', then go your own way, I'll go mine, and if our paths cross, so much the better. If not, then that's OK too. I mean that within the 'confines' of our marriage, not as an after effect of separation or divorce. Or approach it as 'do what you want, but leave me out of it' , as a way to limit my exposure in some manner.

I'll talk about the 'War of the Phone Numbers' later.

This just in: DAG's relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs are still dead.

More to come...
 

Ostrich

Member
This is due for an update.

DAG and I had a serious and difficult (for me) conversation yesterday and today. We talked about his want for intimate relationships, including having sex with other men outside of our marriage. I reiterated my desire for him to not have sex with others, unless it includes me in the session. We went back and forth about what we want, with the end result being DAG stating he will not pursue ANYTHING (including hobbies) which makes him happy, because he doesn't know what my reaction will be on any given situation.

He has a point. I do not have a problem with him sleeping with Onyx, Teach and Polo. My reasoning is this: I have met them and I do not have a problem with them in general. I get good vibes from them and they seem to get along with me. They also made an effort to get to know me, which again, scores huge points with me.

Which is the complete opposite of my reaction and 'do not want' with Bruiser. DAG is confused by my behavior and since he is confused, he is willing to shut everything down to prevent my passive aggressive behavior regarding his relationships.

I repeat: He is willing to shut everything down, not just intimate relationships.

Which leads to this. He is willing to be unhappy in order to make me happy. He is that much in love with me. He'd rather be unhappy and married to me, than to be happy and not married to me. I am paraphrasing, but those words came out of his mouth. I am not assuming anything. To me, this sucks HUGE DONKEY BALLS!

My view is this: Why be unhappy? How is a love for someone so great that you sacrifice your happiness?

I asked him this morning about why he's willing to be unhappy to make me happy. He point blank said it's because he loves me that much.

Dear Shiva! I would be bolting for the door (and I have a couple of times) if my only choice was to either be unhappy and married, or happy and unmarried. For me, happy and unmarried wins hands down.

I feel like the bad guy. I also realize it's his choice, not mine.

I have a lot more to work on in order for me to be comfortable with him having sex outside of our marriage. I want him to be happy too, but I get his point about me being OK with him having sex with some, but not with others. It's confusing. I am still in therapy, which is helping, but still, this is tough. I see marriage as giving two people some exclusivity to each other. Have something which no one else can have from me or him. Specifically sex.

One more thing. I am not happy about this, but it happened. Broadway, who is no longer friends with DAG, told me recently the reason Fisticuffs ended the relationship with DAG was that every time Fisticuffs heard or saw DAG, reminded him of all the things they talked about doing together which never came to fruition/reality. That DAG didn't keep his end of the bargain. The reason I'm not happy is that I told DAG this. I feel as if I broke a promise to Broadway. However, DAG is my husband, and I don't want to keep secrets from him. The other thing I am unhappy with is this: Fisticuffs never told DAG the reason why he ended the relationship. He just quit being in contact with DAG. I was the one to deliver the not-so-happy news. Fisticuffs was a proponent of 'be your authentic self' and telling the truth to others, so they know who you are. He fell down on that mantra. Wuss.

Anyway, this just in: Obviously, Bruiser's and Fisticuff's relationships with DAG are still dead.
 

Ostrich

Member
The War of the Phone Numbers.

Today, this war makes sense. If I were DAG, I'd want my husband/partner to do the same.

In the beginning of our poly exploration, soon after DAG met Fisticuffs and Bruiser, it became apparent that the three of them would be part of each others lives for the foreseeable future. Once that became obvious, DAG wanted me to have Fisticuff's and Bruiser's phone numbers, in case something happened to DAG in the company of either, or both, of those two. At first, I was hesitant to have those numbers. I didn't even want them. I didn't want to be contacted by them. I didn't want anything to do with the their whole 'situation'.

DAG wore me down and I finally agreed to save their phone numbers in my phone. And then the inevitable happened. I was on individual texts and group texts with F and B. It was OK, but I felt uncomfortable with texting these two. I wasn't emotionally invested in them and didn't want to be. I was trying to be friendly with them, out of some respect for DAG's choices in friends. It didn't work out at all. At the time, I did not think to establish a boundary by which F and B could contact me. I felt like DAG was pushing these phone numbers on me, not only to have an emergency line of communication open, but to keep me in their group. DAG has said it was only to keep an emergency line of communication open, but why did it seem he wanted more me that just having phone numbers? I know, supposition on my part.

To make this story short, I basically ended any potential friendship with Bruiser by telling him I didn't want to have anything to do with him. My relationship with Fisticuff's ended under different circumstances, but it died around the same time as my relationship with Bruiser.

So a good learning experience and a good boundary came out of this situation. If this situation comes up again, I'll take the phone numbers, but inform the parties involved that I will not text them socially. I want to only be contacted if something happens with DAG. Do not expect me to reply to any text if it is construed to be social in nature. If I change my mind, I will let them know. I am not being sucked in to a situation where I feel uncomfortable.

Anyway, small steps.

And yes, DAG's relationships with Bruiser and Fisticuffs is still dead.
 

Ostrich

Member
Even though I feel mentally capable of typing all this out, this isn't easy for me.

A couple of weeks ago, DAG told me that even before our marriage, he wouldn't have been able to provide details on 'I do what I want'. In other words, he had no idea that 'I do what I want' would include having sex with those which he had an emotional connection. It wasn't until almost our third anniversary that he decided he did want to have sex outside our marriage.

I feel trapped.

I did not want this for our marriage, but I was not able to communicate that. All I felt I could do at the time was go along with it, as it obviously something that he wanted and our own sex life was not optimal, due to a physical condition I had (men, get your estrogen levels checked when you have your testosterone checked). My sexual issue was resolved soon after he started having sex with Bruiser and Fisticuffs, so I then felt confused that he needed to have sex with Bruiser. Sex with Fisticuffs was already agreed to ahead of time, so I really didn't have an issue with DAG exploring that avenue of fun. Whenever we talked about sex with Bruiser, DAG always said something to the effect 'we only had sex three times'. As if that made a difference. lol. I had an issue with it, because we never discussed the possibility of him having an intense emotional connection with the other partner in someone else's relationship. I don't think we even thought it would be a possibility. Now I know.

Anyway, I wish DAG could have explored more of his wants before we got married, or at least he could have provided details on what he wanted. We could have had some productive discussions before the huge decision to get married was made. While I can't be certain of my reaction, I think I would have been more agreeable to have an open marriage than I am now. Or at least come to terms about us having sex outside of our marriage.

Whenever DAG had sex with Bruiser, I felt left out and confused about why DAG was having sex without me. I love threesomes and moresomes. With Bruiser not really being into me, sex with him and DAG was out of the question. Even if Bruiser and I became friends (or more friendly towards each other), I seriously doubt sex would have been in the cards. I watched DAG and Fisticuffs play and I loved it. We even agreed to do it again, but that never came to fruition. DAG and Fisticuff's relationship changed drastically over the next few months and very little play time was scheduled.

To get back to the original topic of this post, I am not sure what to do now, except work on my relationship with DAG to get it where we want it. Our marriage will never be in the same place where it was in the beginning. I think all I can do now is be more open with DAG and be more in touch with my feelings and more fully fleshed out wants. With that, I can be better equipped to communicate those feelings and wants to DAG.

Along with DAG admitting to me that he couldn't provide details on his 'I do what I want' effort, he also decided that he wouldn't pursue any emotional and sexual connections with those outside of our marriage, since I told him I didn't want him to have sex outside of the marriage without me. He doesn't want to trigger my passive-aggressive behavior, so he made the decision for himself. Please note, I did not DEMAND that he not have sex outside our marriage, I only made my wants known. I may be an ass, but I am not big enough ass to make demands like that.

At this point, I don't care if he has emotional connections outside of our marriage. It happens all the time in other relationships, so why should ours be different? To him, emotional connections lead to sex, so for him, it's a natural progression and sex would likely happen whenever he felt comfortable in any given relationship.

What fun!!! More about this adventure later.
 

Ostrich

Member
I DID IT! I gave DAG my two new boundaries regarding any future romantic/sexual relationships and he didn't flinch. Too much.

Here they are:
1) I will accept phone numbers from the metas whom he will spend a significant amount of time, out of safety's sake. If an emergency situation happens while DAG is on a date, his date can contact me, or I can contact him. However, I will NOT respond to social texts (WYD?, Wassup? Let's fuck! as examples). They can text me all they want, but I will only respond to texts which reference an emergency. If they don't hear back from me, then they know I've put them on a time out.

2) I want to meet my meta once, if they are willing to meet me. I do not want to be around them solo after that. If he invites both DAG and I out for drinks/dinner/movie/a hot threesome, then I will consider it, but no guarantees of invite acceptance are given.

3) DAG's dates: All I want to know from DAG is what time he's leaving the house, where he is going, with whom he'll be and what time he'll be home. If I want any additional information, I'll ask him for it. In the past, I tried to implement this boundary for me, but DAG bitched that if he agreed to this, he felt he would be leading a secret life. He wanted me to be his sounding board for his relationships when things went south, or when he was having fun and wanted to tell someone. It won't be me, unless I ask to hear more. He's OK with this arrangement now.

Anyway, a big breakthrough for me. Granted, I should have had boundaries in place from the beginning of this 'adventure', but since COVID has interrupted DAGs social life, I haven't been pressed to create boundaries. It's been us concentrating on reconnecting after Bruiser and Fisticuffs broke away from him. However, one of DAGs potential BFs contacted him after a couple of months of radio silence. I got these in place, just in time.

I know there may be other boundaries I need to have in place, but I have not identified the situations in which they would be needed. It's getting easier for me to identify those situations and put together a boundary to address it. I am happy with my progress.

More to come!
 

Ostrich

Member
So here's a question.

Is a marriage still 'special' if one partner is having sex with someone outside of that marriage?

Let me explain. To me, marriage means some level of exclusivity, especially from the sex aspect. If one partner is having sex outside of the marriage, the 'special' aspect of the relationship is lost and the relationship then becomes a more common relationship, such as a good friend/best friend vice 'the one for me' relationship.

So then the question becomes: If the marriage is not special anymore, then why be married?

My relationship with DAG has stabilized for now. Since his relationships with Fisticuffs and Bruiser ended, I've been able to regroup and rethink what I want (or more to the point, what I don't want) in a relationship. DAG still wants to have sex with any one with whom he feels he has an emotional connection. Fine. If I weren't married to him, it wouldn't faze me if he did so. Actually, I would be happy for him (and probably a little envious). But I am married to him, which brings an additional set of expectations (see above).

So now that I've sorted that out as far as how I see marriage versus regular close/best friendships/unmarried romantic/fuck buddy relationships, it now falls on me to bring this up for discussion with DAG. This won't be easy, but it needs to be discussed. I am getting fed up with my own shit and need to lay bare my thoughts.

I might post this in one of the relationship forums, so others have an opportunity to provide feedback, as they may not visit the blog forum.

Anyway, thoughts and questions are always welcome!!
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
So I wrote a thing a bit ago on another thread, and this question seems to come up a lot, so I just moved something to my blog that I think addresses the "special" question. For me, at least, sex is absolutely not the differentiating thing that makes a marriage unique, it's trust (link goes to longer details of this, feel free to discuss here or there).
 

PinkPig

Active member
There's nothing wrong with wanting your marriage to be monogamous. Honestly, I sometimes miss the simplicity of monogamy myself.

I think the more relevant question is: can you be happy and fulfilled in this marriage, as is, without sexual exclusivity? We only get one go at this life, is this marriage to Dag, what you want from yours? That's a rhetorical question. Poly isn't for everyone.
 

Ostrich

Member
I think the more relevant question is: can you be happy and fulfilled in this marriage, as is, without sexual exclusivity? We only get one go at this life, is this marriage to Dag, what you want from yours? That's a rhetorical question. Poly isn't for everyone.

No, I cannot be happy without sexual exclusivity, or at the very least, we are both involved in sexual activity with others at the same time (threesome or moresome). I've told DAG that and he is none too happy with me asking him to curtail extramarital sex. I don't care that he is not happy with it. And here's the real problem. If he has sex with others, then I am unhappy. If he doesn't have sex with others, then he's unhappy. I am not sure if there is a solution to this impasse, other than divorce court or some type of estrangement.
 

PinkPig

Active member
No, I cannot be happy without sexual exclusivity, or at the very least, we are both involved in sexual activity with others at the same time (threesome or moresome). I've told DAG that and he is none too happy with me asking him to curtail extramarital sex. I don't care that he is not happy with it. And here's the real problem. If he has sex with others, then I am unhappy. If he doesn't have sex with others, then he's unhappy. I am not sure if there is a solution to this impasse, other than divorce court or some type of estrangement.
That's a hard place to be in, but better to end up there now than add years of pain and resentment. :/
 

Ostrich

Member
Happy Anniversary to The Apology!

Today is the anniversary of the day I sent The Apology to Bruiser.

What a fuck up on my part. I'll explain.

Back in January of 2020, Bruiser invited me over to their place to play video games. I acted like a kid in junior high school, all excited that I was invited over to the cool kid's house. A lot of back and forth texts about scheduling, which resulted in us not getting together. I felt embarrassed for myself in the way I acted. I was THAT excited about being invited to play a fucking video game, especially to someone that I felt barely connected?? WTF??? So early the next morning, I sent him a text, telling him I didn't want to be a friend of his, but wanted to be on friendly terms, in light of his relationship with DAG. Also in that text was a rule, asking Bruiser not to physically harm DAG, as I knew Bruiser liked rough sex (DAG told me so).

Yes, I made a rule with my meta. I know that's not cool, so lesson learned. Once DAG found out about it (a few hours later from Bruiser), he went off, but that's another story.

So here's where The Apology comes in. While I made a mistake about The Rule, I wasn't necessarily upset about it. I was looking out for DAG's well being, not claim 'ownership' DAG's body. I didn't feel the need to apologize to Bruiser. And I didn't for several months.

During this time, Bruiser kept his distance from me. He came to our house a two or three times to see DAG, but eventually stopped, because he thought I hated him (not true, I was indifferent to him). For months, DAG kept prodding me to apologize to him, as according to DAG, an apology would pave the way for making Bruiser feel comfortable in coming over.

That was bullshit.

I caved (big mistake) and drafted up a text to Bruiser, apologizing for my actions (another mistake) and telling him the reason I made the rule. I told DAG I was sending it (Mistake Number 3), in which he told Bruiser to expect an apology from me (this fucking guy)(I mean DAG, not Bruiser). I did not let DAG read the apology, as he would have critiqued it (fuck him). Bruiser told DAG (who told me) that he wouldn't let DAG read it, as the apology was between Bruiser and I, and not DAG. However, Bruiser agreed to tell DAG that he received it and basically assigned the confirmation of receipt to DAG. I realized later that Bruiser was making DAG do his dirty work. Asshole. OK, that was his choice, but still. Asshole.

I sent it and never received a confirmation from Bruiser, much less an acceptance or rejection of the apology. I wasn't expecting the latter, but thought at least he would acknowledge receipt himself. It hit me the wrong way. I was pissed. Once I realized he used DAG to do his dirty work, I was over the whole thing (I do not know if DAG realizes he's the reason why Bruiser never confirmed receipt. I ain't asking him).

Granted, by me writing this post, it makes it appear I am not over it. I am. However, this post makes me realize I learned several things during this overall event and helps reinforce those teaching/learning moments.

First, I will never make a rule towards anyone else. Now it's all about my boundaries which deal with my actions to given situations.
Second, I am never, ever apologizing to assist anyone else get what they want, nor am I apologizing when I don't think an apology is necessary.
Third, I will continue to voice my needs and wants, no matter how it might affect my relationship with others. I really did not want to be friends with Bruiser, even if it pissed off DAG (yes, DAG was THAT invested in me having a friendship with Bruiser and Fisticuffs, as it made it easier for him to move between relationships).

Anyway, I'm pouring one out for The Apology. May you rest in Pixel Heaven.
 
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Ostrich

Member
I was off on a stay-cation last week. I haven't had any time off from work since New Year's. Anyway, during the week off, DAG and I decided to host Teach's birthday party at our house. Teach agreed, as he was tired of planning his own birthday parties. He provided a guest list, and I sent out the invite. DAG and I planned the menu, with DAG also planning for the party decorations.

Mind you, Teach lives in another state, so for him to spend his birthday with us is a big deal. DAG and I play a game called 'Six Degrees of Teach' If you're black and gay, chances are he knows you. So he could have celebrated his birthday anywhere in the U.S with anybody else. I was honored when he said 'yes' to us. The set up was this: we invited a limited number for dinner and those who could not make it to dinner were invited to drop by for after dinner drinks.

So many things could have gone wrong. They did not (except for DAG and his decorations, but more on that later). The guest list and invite went smooth. The menu planning was quick and smooth. As I said, I took last week off, so I shopped for groceries in prep for the dinner. We ordered a cake (OMG, super rich, 7 layer caramel cake), DAG and I made a couple of other desserts. Easy. Same for the appetizers and main courses. Easy planning and sort-of easy cooking. The grill was HOT! The only issue was that DAG worked the day of the party and was rushed in getting the decorations up and the appetizers out after work. Not a great idea. The balloons he made refused to stick to the wall, which delayed putting up the other decorations and getting the appetizers put out for the guests. He was getting frustrated and I refused to get sucked in

It all turned out great anyway. Teach's guests were great. Really good people with really good conversations. I couldn't believe how well it went. Now I feel more confident in hosting dinners and parties.

So to the one-on-one I had with Teach. He and I took a long walk the night he first came to our house. During the walk, he talked about the guys he's interested in and my relationship with DAG. Teach dropped a bomb on me by stating he feels more emotionally aligned (edited from 'connected') to me than he is to DAG. WHAAAAAAAT? I know he loves DAG (I overheard a phone conversation they had. Do not judge, as those two are LOUD when they are on the phone). I feel special :) Seriously, Teach and I don't talk that often, due to his work schedule (12 or 13 work hours a day is common for him), so for him to say he feels close to me make me feel really good. Due to social anxiety, I am not good with meeting people and keeping them as friends (not that I have to be friends with everybody. Bruiser and Fisticuffs come to mind). I don't see myself getting romantically involved with him, especially sex. I do not want to have sex with Teach, unless DAG is involved. Yes, we're married and with that, I want him involved in the intimate moments of my life. I digress.

Anyway, a good, successful party with good people and some new connections with a surprise for me from an unexpected source. Good stuff!
 
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Ostrich

Member
So New York wants to start a book club with some like minded guys to read The Ethical Slut. I'm in. However, I have reservations. When DAG was dating B and F, they very strongly recommended that we read it, especially the section on jealousy. While I know they did not intend it, I felt forced to read it. I did read part of the jealousy section. I helped to a small extent and I tried to read it from the beginning, but couldn't get through it. I felt like I was being forced to read a subject on which I was not completely sold. Especially a subject directly related to a situation of which I did not totally sign up. Yeah, yeah, I had an agreement with DAG on his pleasure exploration, but did not sign up for all the unplanned stuff that happened. Anyway, I haven't opened the book in about 18 months, just because it mildly triggers me.

However, I am now more willing to open it up and give it a serious read. I feel I have processed enough of what happened in the past and that I still have an interest in understanding the practice of polyamory, even though DAG and I are not currently practicing it. My curiosity in understanding poly is driving the need to read it. I feel like I have a fresh perspective and can read it with experienced eyes.

Which leads to this observation: I realize I am still posting on a poly support forum. Not only am I still interested in poly, I also find (YMMV) there is a good, supportive network here, no matter if your practicing poly or not. It's not necessarily the subject that puts me off, but the aforementioned book itself (more to the point, the situation which surrounded the reading of it). I think it will be good to go through it with others to get different perspectives and put my own views out there for dissection.

Yeah, I'm meandering again. Sue me.

On a side note, I ordered flowers for DAG, which should be delivered today. No particular reason, other than to show him my appreciation for all that he does for me and us. Putting out good vibes to the universe!

More to come.
 
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