Irony Is Dead

So something that DAG kept telling me, really gnawed at me. His statement was: I love you and I want to spend all my time with you.

I have an issue (or maybe issues) with that statement. Why was he dating Bruiser and Fisticuffs if he wanted to spend all his time with me?

I've held back on asking him that question as a) there wasn't a clear opportunity to do so and b) I thought the question would lead to some overly spirited discussion. Not something that I wanted to instigate.

Until last night.

Before we went to bed, he reiterated that statement. In response, I said I was confused by that, since he spent A LOT of time with B and F. So if he wanted to spend all his time with me, why did he spend some of it with them? He then reminded me that he discussed this with F, explaining to him that I was DAG's prime. He also reminded me that F repeated it back to me as confirmation. Yeah, and? I then reminded him of the times he had sex with Bruiser. If he wanted to be with me ALL THE TIME, why didn't he include me in the sex? He stated those events were based on the reality of the situation (I wasn't immediately available?) (I still don't know what he means by that, and I am not sure how to convey this to you, the reader). I then said that I understand that a want is basically the same as a wish, so is this want based on fantasy, versus what happened in reality? He attempted to explain what he meant by reality, but it didn't 'click' for me. I was still confused and I told him so. He was getting frustrated with attempting to clarify what he meant, so he stated he didn't want to talk about it anymore and that he would never bring this subject up ever again (Sure, Jan).

The sticking point with me is the ALL THE TIME qualifier/quantifier. To me, he's being disingenuous with including those three words. If he really wanted to be with me all the time, he would have worked to make it happen. As proof, I submit into evidence Item A: Thanksgiving 2019. He did his damnedest to make sure I was with him for T-day at B and F's home. I was not that happy with being there, but he was happy and that's all that mattered to him. I realize to some, this might not be a big deal. It is to me. During the discussion, he really pushed that he really did mean 'ALL THE TIME' and not some other meaning. Don't tell me you want to be with me all the time, and then go get choked out during sex with a boyfriend and I'm nowhere in sight. It's confusing as hell. I intend to bring this up during our marriage counseling session next week.

BUT! I am happy there was an opportunity to bring this up and am very happy that I did not shy away from the discussion. I find it surprising that he really didn't have that great of a counter point when I pressed him on it.

If any of you have any idea what he MIGHT have meant about 'the reality of the situation', I welcome any feedback, even if it's supposition. Yes, let's play 'Jump To Conclusions!'. LOL

ETA: We also had a discussion yesterday about my issues in identifying where 'I' end and 'we' begin. I know this is where boundaries come in to play, so I made one yesterday. DAG is working to be a DIY influencer and has been building up his web presence. Sometimes, he calls on me to help him with ideas on potential projects. NOPE! I consider his side hustle to be his, not ours and definitely not mine. So we came up with a compromise. If it is furniture related, I'll help out, since the furniture will be a permanent part of our house. If it's decor related (i.e. dust catchers, knick-knacks, tschotskies) it's all his and he does his own work.

It also helps manage my time, as when he is doing decor items, I can do what I want (video games or making bracelets)(I want and have, a simple life). I've become aware that he (either intentional or otherwise) has been sucking me into his projects and I need to put the brakes on that. I really love that he is putting his considerable energy into this effort. He is an amazing man with solid ideas about what he wants to do and is following his heart in making his dreams come true. I have no issue with his 'hobby' choice, it clearly makes him happy and I'm not about to throw a monkey wrench into that.
 
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Maybe you could try to let go of the B and F era? If DAG says today that he wants to spend all his time with you, that is how he feels now. Back then, he loved being with you and tried to make a triad or quad happen. But you weren't happy with that, with those particular guys, and they weren't either. Ya'll just didn't have friend or sexual chemistry. It was a failed experiment and it's over. You all gathered the data and drew your conclusions from your own points of view. Moving on...

Now, from what he's learned, DAG wants to be mono, or at least only have threesome sex with you and some other guy, right? Rather than carpetbag and bring up something from a year or more ago, you could just take in what he wants now.

That's my take on it anyway.
 
Maybe you could try to let go of the B and F era? If DAG says today that he wants to spend all his time with you, that is how he feels now. Back then, he loved being with you and tried to make a triad or quad happen. But you weren't happy with that, with those particular guys, and they weren't either. Ya'll just didn't have friend or sexual chemistry. It was a failed experiment and it's over. You all gathered the data and drew your conclusions from your own points of view. Moving on...

Very good point. I am working to let it go. This blog helps, along with the feedback from you guys. Now that my thoughts are out in the ether, it makes it easier to let go. Things with DAG have gotten better, so there is some tangible progress. My personal counseling sessions are going well and I've been making progress in understanding my emotional side and working on my communication skills (both conveying and comprehension).

Wasn't there an episode of 'Friends' where Monica and Rachel had a Burning Man event in their apartment as a cleansing ritual? I'll try not to burn down the backyard.
 
A quick update. I had a significant break through during therapy last week. Again, it was me realizing that I was forcefully submerging an emotion I was denying existed. Once my therapist and I walked through it, I felt more free than I have in a year almost 2 years.

Here's it is for all to see. When DAG started having sex with Bruiser, it broke an unspoken trust (@icesong) (I now have a better appreciation for your point of view regarding trust and marriage). Yes, I did not discuss that trust with DAG, so he had no idea it existed and that he broke it. There's where my burying techniques come into play. The trust was emotionally based, but logically, I was telling myself the emotion was false, since I had not discussed it with DAG. So how could I hold DAG to a boundary/promise that was never discussed or agreed upon, but yet feel that DAG broke a trust?

So I buried it. Deep.

I have resolved that issue through therapy by recognizing that my feeling of broken trust is real and that it is OK to feel that way. I realize that I can't hold DAG responsible for his actions, which was compounding the issue, but now I've let that go too.

Again, a huge relief, and I've begun letting go of the Bruiser and Fisticuff era. I still have a lot of work to do, but this is a huge step forward.

Thanks Mags for your direct manner, much appreciated!
 
Hi Ostrich, I've really enjoyed reading your blog, your humility and humor is refreshing. I don't especially want to go over all the emotionally charged details of my own relationship in the main forum yet but reading here has helped. I can relate to being open minded and accepting of the situation I find myself in, although not necessarily thrilled about it. And knowing that handling my emotions is ultimately my responsibility, but being able to communicate them honestly and effectively- and feeling heard when I do so is crucial. I'm not at all fluent in the terminology and wouldn't identify myself as either mono or poly (is non-binary a thing?), but if forced to choose I'd probably prefer monogamy or "monogomish".

It's interesting how relationships can flux in and out of monogamy, and I think you're wise to continue doing your own work around it even if things are currently closed between you again. I don't have much in terms of advice or specific feedback but wanted to say thanks for posting!
 
@arctic thank you! We are definitely now monogamish. DAG now has been talking to a 'new' friend for almost a year. DAG has hung out with him a few times and even gave him a birthday cake. I know they are close and want to get physical, but I trust DAG to not have sex with the new one (I'll call him Chef) until we talk about it first. I am working on myself to be more accepting of DAG's wants in regards to sex with others, but that's going to take awhile (see my exchange with icesong about trust, sex and marriage) Sex with DAG means A LOT to me and knowing he's having sex with others without me makes me very envious.

Also, I have done a lot of work in admitting I have certain emotions, identifying those emotions and working through them. It's been a hard road to get to the point I am now, but it has definitely been worth it! In short, feel your feelings and don't be afraid to talk about it with your partner/SO. It sounds like you are already at that point.

For now, I don't have anything new regarding our practicing of poly. DAG is not romantically involved with anyone on his own. We do have a friend who we both love. I'd like to be in a triad with this guy (Onyx) but in discussing it with DAG, it seems DAG is not enthusiastic about that idea (not what he said, but is body language and facial expressions gave it away).

I am glad you found my posts helpful and relatable. If you have any questions about my posts, please feel free to ask.

There will be more to come, I am sure.
 
Teach paid us a visit this weekend. He took us to a concert Saturday night and we all had a great time. His visit gave me more insight as to his relationship with DAG. They are still emotionally connected and DAG has told me he wants to have sex with DAG. I know I would be envious if that happened, but I think I am better prepared emotionally for that. But Teach knows DAG and I have an agreement in place about not having sex unless the other is participating. I drove Teach to his hotel and while on the drive, we started talking.

The conversation quickly turned to mutual attraction and sex. He and I are still in friendship mode and are still emotionally aligned. He said he considers me a more close friend than before. He also finds me attractive and would be up for sexual exploration with me and DAG.

I was floored! He and I are on the same wavelength as far as our relationship and his wants regarding sex among the three of us. This made my night. This revelation made me feel wanted and attractive. The fact that he wants to express and share himself with us both gave me a much brighter outlook on my relationship with him as well as my relationship with DAG. I am not sure how to explain that last part. I think it has to do with the revelation that one of DAG's good friends is interested in me and that somehow helps me be close to DAG.

I think the idea of being physically close to both of them in a very intimate act is driving that feeling of emotional closeness with DAG. Anyone else experience that feeling? Is that a form of compersion? I'm trying to be as clear as possible on this, but kind of lack reference on how to describe. This group is great about asking questions, so please ask away.

Anyway, I told DAG about our conversation and he's was receptive to the idea (shocker!). So the three of us are on board with it. I'd like for it to happen while Teach is here, but I will not force it. We are traveling to Teach's place for Thanksgiving, so maybe it will happen then.

For the second time in a long time, I feel involved in a positive, constructive way with DAGs friends. From an introverts perspective, it feels amazing to be in a mutually leveled relationship with someone besides DAG. Onyx is the other positive relationship.

Progress!!! I love it and feel very positive for all three relationships (DAG, Teach and Onyx).

As always, more to come!
 
Back seat driving.

I absolutely hate it.

DAG is never comfortable with my driving skills. He's usually physically reacting to anything I do which he sees as potentially causing an accident and harming us. I know I am not that great of a driver, but I am as cautious as I can be, given my driving style. I'm learning new driving skills, but it's not enough.

This has been an ongoing issue since we've been together.

Yesterday was DAG's birthday. Everything was going smooth and he was enjoying his special day, until I drove him to the UPS drop box. It all went to south from there. He had physical reactions to a couple of decisions I made while driving. I finally had enough and pulled the car to the curb. I then asked him to drive, since he was obviously not comfortable with my driving. He refused. I then stated 'I don't know why I put myself through this' and then continued to drive. The silence in the car was deafening.

We were quiet on the way back home and didn't talk for the rest of the evening.

So his birthday was ruined.

I had given him his presents that morning, so the main part of the celebration had taken place.

But, still.

I didn't discuss my actions during the incident until earlier this morning. I apologized to him, but too little, too late.

I don't feel bad about my actions in response to his reactions. I feel bad about ruining the birthday evening.

I made the pitch to him about him driving when we need to travel together, but he didn't like it, as he sometimes doesn't want to drive.

I didn't say it was a good solution, but it is a solution.

I've got to learn to ignore (not the best word) his reactions to my driving and keep doing what I do to get us to our destination.

GAH!!!
 
Back seat driving.

I absolutely hate it.

DAG is never comfortable with my driving skills. He's usually physically reacting to anything I do which he sees as potentially causing an accident and harming us. I know I am not that great of a driver, but I am as cautious as I can be, given my driving style. I'm learning new driving skills, but it's not enough.

This has been an ongoing issue since we've been together.

Yesterday was DAG's birthday. Everything was going smooth and he was enjoying his special day, until I drove him to the UPS drop box. It all went to south from there. He had physical reactions to a couple of decisions I made while driving. I finally had enough and pulled the car to the curb. I then asked him to drive, since he was obviously not comfortable with my driving. He refused. I then stated 'I don't know why I put myself through this' and then continued to drive. The silence in the car was deafening.

We were quiet on the way back home and didn't talk for the rest of the evening.

So his birthday was ruined.

I had given him his presents that morning, so the main part of the celebration had taken place.

But, still.

I didn't discuss my actions during the incident until earlier this morning. I apologized to him, but too little, too late.

I don't feel bad about my actions in response to his reactions. I feel bad about ruining the birthday evening.

I made the pitch to him about him driving when we need to travel together, but he didn't like it, as he sometimes doesn't want to drive.

I didn't say it was a good solution, but it is a solution.

I've got to learn to ignore (not the best word) his reactions to my driving and keep doing what I do to get us to our destination.

GAH!!!
Hubby and I have a similar issue. I do not drive with him in the car unless he's in the backseat so his reactions don't make me anxious. He is statistically a worse driver than me (I've gotten one ticket ever, one wreck caused by me ever, 3 wrecks total. He's had 4ish tickets, totaled 1 car his fault, totaled 1 car not his fault, multiple other wrecks a mixed bag of faults. All my events as a teen, his spread out pretty evenly over the years) but it's whatever. I don't like driving anyway, and he has gotten more careful since having a kid.
 
Mourning a relationship while still in another one is one of the strangest places I've ever been. So was supporting a partner through their own breakup. (Doing both at the same time is even more not something I recommend but that's another story for another time.) I'm not sure I have advice, since it sounds like your wife isn't gonna be the sort to process out loud with you. If she was, I'd have all sorts of advice about supporting while maintaining your own boundaries so it wasn't just totally TMI.

@icesong I had been wrestling with this off and on for a few months after DAG's breakup with Bruiser and FC. Because I wanted nothing to do with his relationships with those two, I didn't make myself available to DAG for him to process the breakup. There were times I thought I was being selfish and I should give a shoulder to cry on, but then I thought better of it, based on my feelings towards those two. I took the stance of 'That's your problem, not mine'.

So for now, I have no idea if DAG has fully processed and gotten over his break ups. Except for this small clue: DAG sent me pictures of some costume he wants to buy and wear to an event. I made a comment to the effect of: 'someone will see you and want to get into that a$$'. He asked me to whom I was referring and I said 'you know who'. He couldn't guess. I told him 'Fisticuffs' DAG texted back: 'I wasn't even thinking of him' So this might be clue that DAG is at least over FC. Progress?

One other thing, I planned to have lunch with one of DAG's former friends, Broadway. DAG would get pouty when I mentioned the lunch date, so I know he is not quite over the end of his friendship with Broadway.

All this to say I no longer feel guilty about providing a shoulder to cry on when DAG goes through a break up, unless it seriously impacts my life.
 
Covid is a bitch. I know, Master of the Obvious.

It really didn't hit home until last night and today about how much a bitch it is, really! As I stated in an earlier post, I had lunch with Broadway yesterday. We spent around 2 1/2 hours catching up with each other. He's in town with a show/play touring company. So we covered a lot of territory. Loads of fun and I really miss him being in the circle with DAG. At the beginning of lunch, I asked that he tell me if a subject is off limits, as I did not want to trigger an event. I also told him I wanted the discussion to focus on us. I did not want to bring the topic of DAG into our talk, as I wanted to focus on my relationship with B'way. He was my focus, not DAG.

It went really well. I am so happy for B'way! The show is physically tough on him, but he's getting through it well enough. I brought him up to date on what I've been doing (again, keeping references to DAG at a minimum). I wish we had more time to talk, but I had a personal appointment later in the afternoon, so we said goodbye and went our separate ways.

Here's the kicker: the way the conversation flowed with B'way, so natural and easy, it made me realize how much of a bubble I live in with DAG, since Covid is dictating/limiting how we interact with others. It sucks! I realized how starved I am for outside contact and I'm an introvert!!

So last night and most of today, I have been sad. I couldn't really put a finger on it, until around lunch time. I realized being held captive by our bubble has taken it's toll, without me noticing the negative impact. Yesterday's lunch brought it into harsh light. It's as if Life is screaming at me to get out and touch more grass!

In an odd way, Covid has made me closer to DAG. He still has his proclivities which drives me to distraction, but for the most part, we are closer than we've ever been, just because I've been able to spend more time with him. We need to do more to get out and enjoy our time with others (safely). We still don't know most of our neighbors. Maybe we can rectify some of that during Halloween.

Anyway, kind of upside down today, but now that I've identified the source of my sadness, I'm already feeling better.

For those of you who are currently practicing poly, my heart goes out to you, especially if your relationships have been significantly impacted by Covid. Even mono relationships suffer under Covid, I can't imagine what poly relationships go through. Lots of hugs to everyone!
 
How sad is it that I wish this was my life. I wish for a life in a post-apocolyptic America (in a video game, to boot), instead of my life in the real world.

I've come to the realization that I am not happy in my relationship with DAG. All we are doing is decorating a house. All he wants to talk to me about is decorating our house and our recently purchased cars. I try to bring up relationship discussions and am met with 'I don't want to talk about it now'.

I am not sure if this is a temporary feeling, or if it's long term. This feeling comes over me once or twice a month. The fact that I feel it at all gives me pause. I know no relationship is perfect, but this one seems harder to maintain than some of the relationships I've had in the past. I now understand when someone says 'love is not enough'. In this case, maybe it's 'love and trust is not enough'.

He is there for me and I try to be there for him. We have a counseling session tomorrow. Maybe I'll bring this up then.
 
I see I missed a whole bunch of your posts, Ostrich! I do see a lot of disconnect in your relationship. You mistrust each other and are too enmeshed, both at the same time. Maybe the mistrust leads to the wary attachment, and the envy if either of you does anything without the other. I find it sad that DAG would have bad feelings about your platonic lunch date with Broadway. I find it sad that he doesn't feel good about sharing you with Onyx or Teach. Hell, I find it sad that you both distrust each other so much that you insist on threeways and can't just let each other off the leash to go enjoy the company of another person. It sounds to me like walking on a minefield.

Maybe it makes me so uneasy because I was married to a guy who had low self esteem and watched me like a hawk when it cam to my interactions with other men. It was SO exhausting. Marriage shouldn't be so hard and fraught. I had to learn that the hard way because I am stubborn and loyal, and my ex was a great guy in many ways. We did have a lot in common. But our house, no matter how nice it was, was built on sand.
 
Mags, I am the one in the relationship who has low self esteem. In my opinion, DAG is OK with himself, although he's had some cosmetic surgery to correct some issues with his weight loss. I love him, no matter what he looks like, but he wasn't happy with the way he looked.

I am getting better with him making friends and being emotionally connected with others. There are a couple of new people in his life and has been on a couple of dinner dates with them. I have no problem with him 'dating'. Teach keeps texting him dick pics and I have no problem with that either.

DAG fucked up his relationship with Broadway, but I want to continue it because I like him. We had a great lunch together and I gave him an early birthday present (a bracelet I made myself). When I got home, DAG asked me some general questions about Broadway and then let it go.

This is how I see our marriage. I married him because I love him. However, the feeling has transitioned from love to trust (with love being the icing on the cake). I trust him to carry out my will and wants if I am incapacitated or dead. I trust him with looping me in on decisions related to our house and certain relationship issues. I have trust issues when it comes to his activities with others. As an example, Onyx was staying with us for a weekend. The three of us were on the couch, lounging. DAG asks Onyx to go upstairs with him to have sex. He didn't ask me. If I hadn't asked to join in, DAG would have left me out. That really bothers me, because DAG KNOWS I am always up for a threesome (or more). Yes, in a healthy (YMMV) poly relationship, that shouldn't bother me. But it does.

Hopefully, that provides some insight to my views on my trust with DAG.

I really love you guys and the support you provide. I know I can be tiring, but your patience with me is greatly appreciated!
 
I had an interesting conversation with DAG. We start caressing each other last evening. I wanted a secure hug, so I hugged him. He then says 'this is yours. I am yours'. Holy crap! I am taken aback, as one of the big issues from the B/FC era was the meaning of 'ownership' and how we did not 'own' or control each other. I reminded him of that discussion and he said that was because of the text I sent B asking him to not physically harm DAG. I got the riot act read to me over that one. So I took it to heart and basically renounced any type of language which implied 'ownership' over someone. He said he was OK with saying 'I am yours and your are mine'. NOPE! I am gun shy over because of the heated 'ownership' exchange, so I am not going to relax my own rule to not use 'ownership' language.

We didn't pursue that discussion any further. I tried to be more intimate with him and he then tells me 'Let's go to this bedroom'. I'm thinking 'Yes, we are finally getting intimate!'. Instead, we go into the bedroom and he immediately goes into monologue mode, describing how he wants to finish the decor in that room. He refuses to talk about specific relationship issues. He changes the subject, just when I am providing my POV about our relationship. I am definitely bringing this up during our next marriage counseling session.

Also, we went on a walk yesterday (it was a gorgeous mid-Atlantic fall day). He starts talking about Teach and about how Teach is afraid he'll ruin his relationship with me, if he sexually pursues DAG. Again, I was surprised. Teach and I had this conversation the last time he stayed with us. I thought I reassured him that I am OK with him and DAG being intimate, as long as I can at least be a voyeur. He was OK with that and even stated he wanted me to 'direct' them during sex (who's going to be the executive producer?). Evidently Teach still has reservations about 'hurting' me or turning me against him. I really like him. He's done right by me. He made sure I understood that he wasn't pursuing DAG to disrespect our marriage. We are visiting Teach over the Thanksgiving holiday, so we'll see what transpires. Between now and then, I want to reach out to Teach and hopefully reassure him that his intentions with DAG are OK with me.

Oh dear, I think I caught feels for Teach!
 
I think DAG is listening and learning from the past.

He's met a potential new friend and has been in contact with him for the past month. I have not met him yet, so I am not putting my thoughts of him on this site just yet. Last night, DAG spoke with him by phone and was told his (I'll call him Tell, for now) flight back home had been cancelled. Tell was then rescheduled for a flight home which wouldn't arrive until very late last night.

DAG volunteered to pick him up at the airport and drive Tell home. No problem by me, I was glad DAG was able to help. Here's where the learning curved kicked in. I asked DAG if I could tag along and meet the guy. DAG said 'no' as he did not want me meet Tell until Tell was ready.

OMG! That was awesome! It seems DAG has learned to slow his roll when it comes to me meeting his newly made friends. I couldn't be happier. I was a little disappointed for about 5 minutes after he told me 'no', but then realized he is beginning to respect other people's boundaries. I am more than happy to wait a while to meet Tell.

In other good news, I took GG's advice and bought the book 'Non-Violent Communication'. So far, it's a really good read and I even followed tried some of the things I learned from it. DAG has a really bad habit of interrupting me when I am speaking. Last night, he did it again. I then made my 'want' known to him by saying 'I want you to stop interrupting me when I am talking'. Really simple statement, no outrageous bursts of annoyance or statements of 'you never listen'.

It worked (for now). He understood my want and wasn't offended (because I wasn't saying anything offensive). YAY!! I know, it sounds really simple, but I needed to better understand what I am doing (and not doing) which adds confusion and upsets others when discussing issues. I am really looking forward to getting into the rest of the book. Very straight forward and helpful. Thanks GG!

Good vibes all around in the past 24 hours. Stay tuned!
 
It makes all the difference to use "I statements" rather than saying "you always" or "you never"!
 
It's finally over. I finally let go of the last issue I had with DAGs foray into polyamory. I am able to pinpoint when I was able to let it go.

This past Sunday, DAG wanted me to help him build a headboard for a bedroom we are decorating. The build required the cutting of some upholstery foam. He showed me how it needed to be cut and I proceeded to do so. In the middle of cutting it, he notices that I am not cutting it in the way he wanted (I was doing the best I could, but still not good enough). He comes over and says 'you can't cut it that way, otherwise you'll ruin the foam'. I am already stressed because there is a time crunch to complete this project. I put my hands to my head and say 'I fucking hate this' (meaning I fucking hate him telling me how to do something). The way he said it, I felt like a 5 year old kid. In reality, he didn't talk down to me, but I felt like he did.

I stepped away, told him I was done and said I am working on chores which needed to be done around the house. Of course, he was upset and hurt. I thought I had made progress on myself. I thought I had a better grip on how to handle my emotions and communicate with him about how I felt and what I wanted. This was a huge step back, but lesson learned/reinforced. We talked about this during our session with the new marriage counselor. As it turns out, DAG had learned how NOT to cut the foam while I was cutting it and then came over to correct me. He didn't tell me that. All he said was that I was cutting it incorrectly. It would have helped if he started the sentence off with 'hey, I learned something about cutting the foam'.

In that moment, I was able to let go of the last issue of our open marriage experiment. I no longer feel the need to allow any thoughts of Bruiser to hang over me. I can now see him in a crowded room and not give a fuck. I no longer feel foolish nor stupid nor disengaged from DAG. I can finally look at DAG and not see Bruisers hand around his neck. I have no idea how the issue was related to the headboard foam incident. I swear, I can connect two of the most unrelated things and turn it into an issue.

Now the question is: why do I make those connections? How does that even happen? Fuck if I know. The personal counseling session next week should be a real pearl-clutcher.

No matter, it feels really, really good to finally let it go. I feel like a new man. FUCK YEAH!!!
 
Here's a kicker! Today, I was texting with a friend (I'll call him Joker) who is a mutual friend of Bruiser and Fisticuffs. I like Joker a lot. A good guy, who evidently doesn't have a clue as to the events between myself, DAG, B and FC. As far as I know, Joker only knows that we all know each other and have some connection. I do not know if he thinks we are all friends or some other type of relationship.

Joker told me he is planning a surprise birthday party for his fiance and wants to invite DAG and me. Again, I am in assumption mode, but I am certain Joker intends to invite B and FC as well. I told DAG about the possibility of an invite to this party. His immediate reaction was 'Uh oh!'

So here's my solution, which I have not run by DAG yet. I plan to say DAG and I are busy at that time and to make up for it, we invite Joker and fiance to dinner at our place. We had dinner plans earlier this year, but had to cancel, due to Joker's work schedule. So dinner has always been in the planning stages anyway.

I correctly guessed this would happen at some point (because all the mutual friends we seem to have), so I've tried to be at the ready. I do not know how many people will be invited. If it is more than 10 or 12, we could act like adults and go. Just because we are there, doesn't mean we have to interact with B and FC, we are there to celebrate the fiance. However, if it is a small affair, HELL TO THE NO, I'm not going. DAG can go alone for all I care. I'd be shocked if he decided to attend.

The funny thing is, I am not fazed by this. It didn't send me into a spiral of despair and loathing. To me, it's just a bump in the road and a small one at that. YAY progress!!!

ETA: I talked to DAG about the invite. DAG wants to go, to show support for the fiance. After thinking it over, I think I want to go too, no matter the size of the party. If B and FC feel uncomfortable, that's their problem. I'm there to have adult cake, maybe a drink and give a nice gift. Then leave. The third option is to tell Joker about the dating between DAG, B and FC and go from there. Then Joker can make an informed decision about how to handle guests. Although that sucks, because that puts Joker in a very awkward position. Maybe just go, do our best to enjoy ourselves and then leave might be the best option.

ETA again: There is a fourth option. We contact B and FC and ask to meet them a few days ahead of the party. We could then discuss our differences and try to iron out a truce of sorts. That would require everybody be adults, to which I don't think everyone would agree (I know, an assumption). Who knows, that meeting might go smoothly.

One more thing. Dear reader, please know that this huge relationship fuck up (with everyone involved having some part in fucking it up) in no way affects my interest in practicing poly. Just because those relationships went south, doesn't mean future relationships will be as bad. Hell, no surprise, I hope they are vastly better. I consider polyam on the same level as mono-am. I definitely want to learn more about how people practice it and live it, and at the same time, learn more about me.

More to come!
 
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If you've been reading this blog, you know DAG and I have a new marriage counselor. We met with her yesterday and had a really good session.

First, Mags made a great observation in one of her posts above. She stated she thinks DAG and I might be too enmeshed. Guess what? I think she's right. On the intake forms for the counselor, we filled out one compiled form (both of our inputs on one document), not two separate forms. We did that for the last counselor too. DAG still insists that he wants to be around me all the time, even when reality butts in. It's still confusing to me.

Anyway, back to the counseling session. She starts with me about my relationship with DAG. I say I love him and care about him, but am still reserved in having a deeper emotional connection with him, due to our foray into practicing poly. I am still not in a place where I feel comfortable in making that connection with him. DAG is not thrilled to hear that. He and I then give her a 10,000 ft account of the events which occurred during the B/FC era. DAG pointed out my propensity to assume things without talking about them and how that led to my passive aggressive behaviors. We also explain to her about my inability to comprehend what DAG was telling me about his relationships with B and FC. We also tell her we did not discuss boundaries or agreements before we started our journey. Then comes the discussion about DAG and Bruiser's idea about spending a few hours, five days a week and some weekend time with B. As it turns out, it was a hypothetical ask, as B was thinking, in a perfect world, he would be able to spend that amount of time with DAG. I took it as an actual ask (I did not hear the word 'hypothetical' when we originally discussed it). HUGE DIFFERENCE! I then stated that I suggested three days a week and part of one day on the weekend. Anyway, both DAG and the counselor do not believe me when I said that's what I really wanted. They think I am denying my true feelings. They point to the fact that months later, I then tell DAG that I do not want him to keep seeing B. I stated my case the best way I knew how, but they aren't buying it. I truly wanted DAG to hang out with B three days a week and some hours on a weekend day. I only asked DAG to stop seeing B because I was getting really tired of DAG bothering me about apologizing to B about my rule regarding B and DAG's interactions. Just end it. Yes, I tried to resolve it with DAG, but he kept at me (you know, him not taking no for an answer).

One surprising thing: I wasn't triggered during this entire discussion. I kept it in perspective of the past and that it no longer could bother me. Of course, this discussion is relevant to our relationship counseling, as the counselor had no idea of our relationship issues. As one would expect from any good counselor, she was not judgemental when we started discussing the temporary opening of our marriage. So I am hopefully she is a good fit for us in managing our marriage.

I know this is boring old shit, but there are those on this board who are curious about our sessions. I have no issues with sharing them. If I don't share, then it means I don't want certain things out in public. Nothing personal.

I have a personal counseling session this afternoon. We normally start off with an emotional check-in and I've been feeling mischievous for the past few days. This should be a really interesting discussion!! I am not sure I want to share the outcomes of that session, as some of the points I want to make are very sensitive (they don't trigger me, but still).

More to come!
 
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