Ostrich
Active member
So something that DAG kept telling me, really gnawed at me. His statement was: I love you and I want to spend all my time with you.
I have an issue (or maybe issues) with that statement. Why was he dating Bruiser and Fisticuffs if he wanted to spend all his time with me?
I've held back on asking him that question as a) there wasn't a clear opportunity to do so and b) I thought the question would lead to some overly spirited discussion. Not something that I wanted to instigate.
Until last night.
Before we went to bed, he reiterated that statement. In response, I said I was confused by that, since he spent A LOT of time with B and F. So if he wanted to spend all his time with me, why did he spend some of it with them? He then reminded me that he discussed this with F, explaining to him that I was DAG's prime. He also reminded me that F repeated it back to me as confirmation. Yeah, and? I then reminded him of the times he had sex with Bruiser. If he wanted to be with me ALL THE TIME, why didn't he include me in the sex? He stated those events were based on the reality of the situation (I wasn't immediately available?) (I still don't know what he means by that, and I am not sure how to convey this to you, the reader). I then said that I understand that a want is basically the same as a wish, so is this want based on fantasy, versus what happened in reality? He attempted to explain what he meant by reality, but it didn't 'click' for me. I was still confused and I told him so. He was getting frustrated with attempting to clarify what he meant, so he stated he didn't want to talk about it anymore and that he would never bring this subject up ever again (Sure, Jan).
The sticking point with me is the ALL THE TIME qualifier/quantifier. To me, he's being disingenuous with including those three words. If he really wanted to be with me all the time, he would have worked to make it happen. As proof, I submit into evidence Item A: Thanksgiving 2019. He did his damnedest to make sure I was with him for T-day at B and F's home. I was not that happy with being there, but he was happy and that's all that mattered to him. I realize to some, this might not be a big deal. It is to me. During the discussion, he really pushed that he really did mean 'ALL THE TIME' and not some other meaning. Don't tell me you want to be with me all the time, and then go get choked out during sex with a boyfriend and I'm nowhere in sight. It's confusing as hell. I intend to bring this up during our marriage counseling session next week.
BUT! I am happy there was an opportunity to bring this up and am very happy that I did not shy away from the discussion. I find it surprising that he really didn't have that great of a counter point when I pressed him on it.
If any of you have any idea what he MIGHT have meant about 'the reality of the situation', I welcome any feedback, even if it's supposition. Yes, let's play 'Jump To Conclusions!'. LOL
ETA: We also had a discussion yesterday about my issues in identifying where 'I' end and 'we' begin. I know this is where boundaries come in to play, so I made one yesterday. DAG is working to be a DIY influencer and has been building up his web presence. Sometimes, he calls on me to help him with ideas on potential projects. NOPE! I consider his side hustle to be his, not ours and definitely not mine. So we came up with a compromise. If it is furniture related, I'll help out, since the furniture will be a permanent part of our house. If it's decor related (i.e. dust catchers, knick-knacks, tschotskies) it's all his and he does his own work.
It also helps manage my time, as when he is doing decor items, I can do what I want (video games or making bracelets)(I want and have, a simple life). I've become aware that he (either intentional or otherwise) has been sucking me into his projects and I need to put the brakes on that. I really love that he is putting his considerable energy into this effort. He is an amazing man with solid ideas about what he wants to do and is following his heart in making his dreams come true. I have no issue with his 'hobby' choice, it clearly makes him happy and I'm not about to throw a monkey wrench into that.
I have an issue (or maybe issues) with that statement. Why was he dating Bruiser and Fisticuffs if he wanted to spend all his time with me?
I've held back on asking him that question as a) there wasn't a clear opportunity to do so and b) I thought the question would lead to some overly spirited discussion. Not something that I wanted to instigate.
Until last night.
Before we went to bed, he reiterated that statement. In response, I said I was confused by that, since he spent A LOT of time with B and F. So if he wanted to spend all his time with me, why did he spend some of it with them? He then reminded me that he discussed this with F, explaining to him that I was DAG's prime. He also reminded me that F repeated it back to me as confirmation. Yeah, and? I then reminded him of the times he had sex with Bruiser. If he wanted to be with me ALL THE TIME, why didn't he include me in the sex? He stated those events were based on the reality of the situation (I wasn't immediately available?) (I still don't know what he means by that, and I am not sure how to convey this to you, the reader). I then said that I understand that a want is basically the same as a wish, so is this want based on fantasy, versus what happened in reality? He attempted to explain what he meant by reality, but it didn't 'click' for me. I was still confused and I told him so. He was getting frustrated with attempting to clarify what he meant, so he stated he didn't want to talk about it anymore and that he would never bring this subject up ever again (Sure, Jan).
The sticking point with me is the ALL THE TIME qualifier/quantifier. To me, he's being disingenuous with including those three words. If he really wanted to be with me all the time, he would have worked to make it happen. As proof, I submit into evidence Item A: Thanksgiving 2019. He did his damnedest to make sure I was with him for T-day at B and F's home. I was not that happy with being there, but he was happy and that's all that mattered to him. I realize to some, this might not be a big deal. It is to me. During the discussion, he really pushed that he really did mean 'ALL THE TIME' and not some other meaning. Don't tell me you want to be with me all the time, and then go get choked out during sex with a boyfriend and I'm nowhere in sight. It's confusing as hell. I intend to bring this up during our marriage counseling session next week.
BUT! I am happy there was an opportunity to bring this up and am very happy that I did not shy away from the discussion. I find it surprising that he really didn't have that great of a counter point when I pressed him on it.
If any of you have any idea what he MIGHT have meant about 'the reality of the situation', I welcome any feedback, even if it's supposition. Yes, let's play 'Jump To Conclusions!'. LOL
ETA: We also had a discussion yesterday about my issues in identifying where 'I' end and 'we' begin. I know this is where boundaries come in to play, so I made one yesterday. DAG is working to be a DIY influencer and has been building up his web presence. Sometimes, he calls on me to help him with ideas on potential projects. NOPE! I consider his side hustle to be his, not ours and definitely not mine. So we came up with a compromise. If it is furniture related, I'll help out, since the furniture will be a permanent part of our house. If it's decor related (i.e. dust catchers, knick-knacks, tschotskies) it's all his and he does his own work.
It also helps manage my time, as when he is doing decor items, I can do what I want (video games or making bracelets)(I want and have, a simple life). I've become aware that he (either intentional or otherwise) has been sucking me into his projects and I need to put the brakes on that. I really love that he is putting his considerable energy into this effort. He is an amazing man with solid ideas about what he wants to do and is following his heart in making his dreams come true. I have no issue with his 'hobby' choice, it clearly makes him happy and I'm not about to throw a monkey wrench into that.
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