Has this happened to any of you?

T

Tahirabs

New member
Do any of you have this type of situation?

My girlfriend Katja deeply loves me. (She lives with us.)
My husband Nils deeply loves me.
Katja wants to be close to Nils and really wants to be friends with him.
Nils says he loves her heart and soul, and that she is a good friend who could become even closer as time goes on, but if it wasn't for our situation and my deep love for her, he probably never would have been friends with her.
Nils says he wants to have Katja join our family for the long haul, but seems to get jealous easily.
On top of all of this, we have had some sexual experiences: me with Nils; me with Katja; me with both of them; but never the two of them alone.

To me, this seems a little strange, in the light of poly, since I am madly in love with both of them and they with me. But between the two of them, they are just friends who are trying to build more, just for my sake. At least, that's how that seems. Katja says she wants the deeper friendship with Nils, but he has never said that about her. He is one of those people who, once he makes a friend, that person is a friend for life, and he stays in touch with for a long time. Me, not so much.

Please let me know if any of you have had a similar situation, or let me know what you think of this. Thanks for the advice. I am new to all this and just have so many questions.
 
Tahirabs, dear one:

There are infinite possibilties for giving and receiving love. It is not necessary to be concerned about the way others arrange their relationships, just as it is not necessary to worry now about troubles and choices that may never come.

If your relationships are working for you and your beloveds, they're working. Who cares what someone outside may think or do or say?

Love one another.

Express that love in respect, compassion and joy.

Nurture one another. As troubles arrive, face them together with sincerity and unity.

Live today and let tomorrow worry about itself.
 
I'd say it's unwise to expect that just because you love two people deeply that they will love each other the same. Humans don't work that way. They may hit it off and connect as strongly, or they may only find a satisfying friendship. As long as it works, all is OK. It's a problem only if they can't form a friendship. Toleration isn't a solution for the long term.

What you describe is a vee. My last amorata was straight, so she and my wife were friends, never lovers. Indeed, I don't ever look to end up in a triad, as the odds of finding someone who connects deeply with both of us are too slight to bother with. I simply look for good connections for myself, and my wife looks for good connections for herself.
 
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If you want, you can read up on LR and me. LR has a bf, GG. He lives with us. We have not been friends for long. I've only really started trying to get to know him in the last month, although he has lived with us for years now.

Friendship for the long haul is necessary. Metamours loving each other (more then just friendship) is not a requirement, though.
 
Not everyone shares the same love. It's possible that you just need to relax and observe for a bit, see the love around you and that things are fine the way they are. They sound okay, so perhaps you should be too.

If you can't let it go, then what is it about this situation that you are not letting go of, or that is bothering you? More info, please.
 
Thanks for the advice of stepping back a little (mentally) and just observing what is around me, between Nils and Katja. Nils has told me many times in the last 2 weeks that the biggest issue in regards to any of our connections (the three of us, me and him, me and her, her and him) is my over-worrying. *sigh*

Maybe if I just observe for a day or two I can figure some more things out. Thanks for the help. :)
 
This has helped me a lot. Thank you all.

Recently, the three of us had a serious talk about commitment, family, and love. Katja has to go back to Finland at the end of this month :( and won't be able to return for at least 2 years, possibly longer. Nils wanted to have a deep conversation about what would happen, if she returns, about her putting the family first in regards to communication and money, and she was all for this. She even said this is what she wants.

I have talked about putting all our wants and needs down on paper and signing it, just for our sake. What do others think of this idea? I think mainly this would make me feel better about her leaving for so long!

She has promised to email me daily, even just a, "Hi, I love you," and handwrite letters weekly, but I told her that is a lot and that she doesn't have to do that. Just wondering what others think, since you all give such great advice.
 
Tahirabs said:
My husband has told me many times in the last 2 weeks that the biggest issue in regards to any of our connections (the three of us, me and him, me and her, her and him) is MY over worrying.
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Lots of sound advice here. I think you hit on something above. It's too common with lots of us, overthinking. It's good to relax and just let things go, not try to be in control of everything all the time. It'll kill ya. ;)
 
Tahirabs said:
Recently the three of us had a serious talk about commitment, family, and love. Katja has to go back to Finland at the end of this month, and won't be able to return for at least 2 years. Nils wanted to have a deep conversation about what would happen if she returns, about her putting the family first in regards to communication and money and she was all for this. She even said this is what she wants. I have talked about putting all our wants and needs down on paper and signing it, just for our sake. What do others think of this idea? I think mainly this would make me feel better about her leaving for so long. She promised to email me daily, even just, "Hi, I love you," and handwrite letters weekly, but I told her that was a lot and that she didn't have to.
Click to expand...

We just finished putting to paper (well, on my laptop, so not REAL paper) our needs/wants/expectations. It really helped get a lot of our thoughts and understandings aligned with the other's.

The only caution I would give you is to understand that time changes everyone, and we can't predict for sure how it will do so. Be aware of that as you go into this new dynamic, things could change to bring you all closer together, or only some of you closer together, drive you all apart, or drive only some of you apart, etc. Don't try to keep the relationship the same. That would stagnate the growth for all of you.

If you want to put things in writing, make it a "living list," so to speak, able to be updated and changed amongst you as time goes by.
 
SeventhCrow said:
I'd say it's unwise to expect that just because you love two people deeply that they will love each other the same. Humans don't work that way.
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I have to agree on this point.

Here is another thought that gives me pause: why does Katja want to be closer to Nils? What's her motivation? Is it for your sake? Is she doing it because SHE wants to be closer to him, or because she wants to make a more secure hold on the relationship between you and her?

Is Nils simply not attracted to her? That is a legitimate possibility.
 
I'm a little late to the original post. I'm new to the board, and a bit new to being part of a poly community, so take this for what it's worth.

I don't see why there *has* to be a sex/love relationship between Katja and Nils. If they like each other well enough, then I would say don't look for trouble that isn't there. My guy and I were together for nearly 2 years. I was friendly with his wife, but am not bisexual, and was not at all interested in a sexual/love relationship with her. Nor was my guy interested in a relationship with my husband. We were friendly socializing together, but that was about it.

I don't think "in light of polyamory" has anything to do with it, since I've never read or heard anywhere that polyamory means everyone has to have the same relationship with everyone else. There are so many possible variations of what a relationship (or connection of relationships) could be, that I don't think you can make any definitive statements about it in light of polyamory.
 
I think Katja wants to get closer to Nils partly because of me (wanting to hold on to what we've got), but also because she cherishes her friendship with him and wants that to grow too. I know Nils loves her mind and spirit, but I don't think he is as attracted to her as I am (though we have had numerous threesomes, but you know how some men are about sex, they take what they can get, him included, to a degree.) Hmm... I know he loves me more than her, or at least differently. I am now coming to accept this. Thank you all for your help.
 
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