Have primary partner but feel guilty about a new relationship

A

Aftercare Bandit

New member
Hi there,
I am a hetero male who's been in love with his primary partner for the past 4 years. She on her side has a ton of success dating casually and also has a serious long-distance relationship. I on the other hand have only had a few relatively casual one-off dates or fun short flings in the past, but nothing that developed strong feelings. Until now. I recently started dating somebody new, and I'm feeling rocked about how I've developed strong feelings for another person WHILE being in a lasting relationship with my partner. Most of my attention is focused on this new relationship because it's exciting and fresh, and it scares the shit out of me. My primary partner is amazing and my best friend. She's done nothing but encourage this new budding relationship. Even with all this support, I feel incredibly guilty that I'm hyper-focused on this new person. Has this happened to anybody else out there?? Please help.

N

PS. I should also mention that I have ROCD and this recent development has caused chaos in my psyche.
 
It sounds like your primary partner is being very supportive! Some benefits to her might include that she will feel happy that you find as much happiness as she has. She might also feel relieved that you are not as totally dependent on her (as much as she loves you). Finally she probably has some genuine compersion going on. (Look that up if you are not familiar with the term.)
 
Aftercare Bandit said:
Hi there,
I am a hetero male who's been in love with his primary partner for the past 4 years. She, on her side, has had a ton of success dating casually, and also has a serious long-distance relationship. I, on the other hand, have only had a few relatively casual one-off dates or fun short flings in the past, but nothing that developed strong feelings. Until now. I recently started dating somebody new, and I'm feeling rocked about how I've developed strong feelings for another person WHILE being in a lasting relationship with my partner. Most of my attention is focused on this new relationship because it's exciting and fresh, and it scares the shit out of me.
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Is this your first foray into an open relationship or polyamory? Did you and your partner do any research into this love style before starting to date others? This is an extremely common feeling, pretty much universal.

What you are feeling is called "new relationship energy." It's so common in poly, we abbreviate it NRE. It's like infatuation. It's a hormonal state. You probably felt it when you first started dating your primary partner, or any other crush/partner you've had since puberty.

It's possible to feel NRE for a new person while still having what I call "established relationship intimacy" (ERI) with your longer-term partner. It's also possible to feel NRE for more than one new person at once.

There's nothing wrong with NRE. It's exciting and fun and amazing. The important thing is to maintain balance with your established partner, continue to value them, date them, spend quality time together, and (unless sex isn't important to you [plural you]) have sex with them.

Your partner has had so many partners, she might have "kid in a candy store" syndrome, where, when you open the relationship, the sky is the limit, and you start engaging with others right and left. Women can get lots of casual sex on dating sites. But often it's hard to find true respect, love and a lasting relationship with a dedicated emotionally warm person.
Aftercare Bandit said:
My primary partner is amazing and my best friend. She's done nothing but encourage this new budding relationship. Even with all this support, I feel incredibly guilty that I'm hyper-focused on this new person. Has this happened to anybody else out there?? Please help.
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You're going to feel guilty because of your monogamous programming in our monogamous culture. Please read the book Opening Up for more on this. We have a list of resources everyone new to poly ideas should read here:

Aftercare Bandit said:
I have ROCD and this recent development has caused chaos in my psyche.
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Have you been having treatment for your OCD? I see that ROCD, with the word "relationship" added to OCD, is a newer diagnosis. Everyone who gets NRE gets a bit obsessed. It's a natural hormonal state, which nature has put in place to bond you with your new mate, cause you to have lots of sex, conceive, give birth, and stay together to raise a child. Most of us don't jump right to having kids, but we still have that intense bonding because of the hormonal soup of oxytocin, dopamine, etc. that is released when we meet someone we are really attracted to.
 
Thanks for the responses!

Yup, my primary and I actually started our relationship as poly. She was married to her X at the time and I was single poly.

NRE makes total sense. I think all my feelings of fear, guilt, and doubt came from the fact that this new relationship is the first new one that has led to deeper feelings. I'll give Opening Up a read as well as the other resources.

Yup, I've been receiving treatment for OCD for years and have an apt today. OCD is the WORST.
 
Hello Aftercare Bandit,

It sounds like you are experiencing some NRE. It can be scary, because it can tempt us to neglect our original relationship. You are aware of that and that is half the battle. I would suggest you keep posting on this thread, to let us know of the new developments in your relationship. And we'll keep trying to help. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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