Head over heels with a free spirit, but where does that leave me?

Tahquil

New member
Hi all!

I'm very new here and to polyamory, and I feel the need to share my story with people from this community because I've been having a lot of thoughts and doubts recently which I can't share anywhere else.

Since a few weeks I've been dating a man who is polyamourous and even though it feels wonderful whenever I'm with him, doubts have already started to arise.

Before I met him, I had always been in monogamous relationships, and one thing I have always had was that, at least in the first months, I want to be with that one person more than anything. We have had talks about this and I am very much aware that there are others who also are in need of his attention. I assured him that I am fine with this and I am not the jealous kind; I'm sincerely happy when I know he is content wherever he is and whoever he is with, but lately I have started to wonder about things like boundaries and desires. What I need for myself.

I find this very tricky because I would hate to be feeling like I'm claiming him or his time, but at the same time I'm worried that, in this way, a relationship would be unsustainable because he lives like a renegade. He calls himself a polyamourous anarchist, never makes plans and never knows where he will be the next day. He currently has 6 partners, as he calls it, but he is also still continuously dating others which really rises the question for me "is enough ever enough?" And of course I completely respect his choice to do so, he is free to do as he pleases, but is it not normal to also want to invest time in someone you claim to be so in love with as he does with me? He will never be the type for a nesting partner and that has been fine with me from the get go, but I feel as if he might still be searching for something that he might never find and even though I know he does spend time with his other partners as well, it feels more and more as if he prefers living the life of a bachelor whilst having some back-up partners to fall back on rather than committing to them completely, myself included.

What am I to do with these feelings? Is my mind making it bigger than it really is? Am I allowed to ask him to spend more time with me? Should I voice my concerns? And does anyone regocnise these feelings?

I hope that someone here would find the time to talk to me about this for a bit, I am truly in love with this man and I would hate to see things going south over me seeing things that aren't there.

Thank you in advance.
 

Eponine

Member
Sounds like a compatibility issue. Even as a poly person, I would hate not planning things ahead. I also have a hard time understanding having 6 partners and still dating new people. So I can relate to your concerns. You can talk to him and try to find a middle ground, but if your relationship needs are just too different, you'll have to think about whether you can accept it or not.

Good luck!
 

LoveForTea

New member
Hi and welcome, @Tahquil ! I'm sorry you have no one else to share your doubts with, and glad that you feel you can share them here!
It seems normal to me to have doubts at this stage of a relationship, especially as the dynamic is new to you. Those doubts are a signal that it's a good point in time for introspection and to look out for red flags. And be mindful that doubts themselves aren't a sign that anything's wrong.

Reading your post I have a few questions:
How well do you know your boundaries and desires? Is it just that you want more time with him?
How much time do you spend together, and how would you feel if it continued to be the same amount for the foreseeable future?
Does he have long term partners?
What does it mean to you to commit to a partner completely?

And regarding your questions: Yes, you are absolutely allowed to ask! You are allowed to make any request you want, reasonable or otherwise. He's allowed to say yes or no. And that's the tough part, being prepared to accept a no. But a no at this point is better than lingering hope letting you continue to fall deeper for someone who doesn't meet your needs, if that is indeed something you need.
I would also recommend that you do voice your concerns, but stay away from analysing him, talking about what's normal or speculating that he's searching for something. Make it about yourself and what you are hoping to get (and worried you won't get) from the relationship.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I find this very tricky because I would hate to be feeling like I'm claiming him or his time

Asking him for some of his time? You can do that. He's in charge of his calendar. If you ask him for a date or even a regular date? He can answer "yes" or "no." But you can't be a mind reader. So ask.

He calls himself a polyamourous anarchist, never makes plans and never knows where he will be the next day.

People come in all kinds of ways. Can you deal with the "free spirit, never plan ahead" thing? Or not?

I'm a poly person. I cannot deal with the "free spirit" thing because I have obligations as I wrap up raising children with one one and deal with eldercare with the other. I lead a very scheduled life.

Perhaps when I'm retired I can be more spontaneous, but nope. Not right now.

So I would not be compatible with this person. You have to figure out if you are.

He currently has 6 partners, as he calls it, but he is also still continuously dating others which really rises the question for me "is enough ever enough?"

Some people only want to be in small poly networks, some are fine in larger constellations. There is such thing as being poly-saturated. Or spreading oneself too thin. Or... being an NRE junkie, flitting from one New Shiny Person to the next.

You have to figure out where you stand on that. How big of a poly network can you deal being in.

I feel as if he might still be searching for something that he might never find and even though I know he does spend time with his other partners as well, it feels more and more as if he prefers living the life of a bachelor whilst having some back-up partners to fall back on rather than committing to them completely, myself included.

Well, if that's what you experience here? You get to decide if you want to deal with that or not.

What am I to do with these feelings? Is my mind making it bigger than it really is? Am I allowed to ask him to spend more time with me? Should I voice my concerns? And does anyone regocnise these feelings?

I think you are making it bigger than it is in the sense that you have only been dating Dude for a few weeks.

It's not "special" because it's poly dating. It is just figuring out if this is gonna be a runner or not. Some things only you can answer.
  • How much time and attention do you want from a romantic companion? Do you get that here?
  • Are you ok being one of his 6 or 7 partners while he's also looking for more?
  • Are you ok being one of his back ups while he leads the bachelor life?
  • Are you ok with him never planning ahead or making commitments?
Some things? You HAVE TO ASK him. Because you are not a mind reader.

As you get to know him better... If he doesn't meet your personal standard for what you seek? He can't give you what you want in a romantic relationship or he is too "free spirit" to deal with?

Could it end it. Could shake hands and say "It was nice getting to knowing you. Sorry it's not gonna pan out. Wish you well."

And then move on. Seek someone who is more compatible.

It happens in any kind of dating. Some of them pan out, some don't.

I hope that someone here would find the time to talk to me about this for a bit, I am truly in love with this man

After a few weeks of dating you are in love? Are you sure it isn't more like in NRE? Lust? Attraction?


It is fine to enjoy the NRE, but don't let these pink fluffy lalas lead you away from the core things you want in a relationship.

Galagirl
 

Marcus

Well-known member
it feels more and more as if he prefers living the life of a bachelor whilst having some back-up partners to fall back on rather than committing to them completely, myself included.

Just going off of what you've told us, it sounds like he has expressed this to you explicitly. Is it that you still have questions and would like for him to be a little bit more specific?

  • It's always good to ask for clarification on where someone is at, so that we can adjust our expectations to exist only within reality. If he wants to live his life like a renegade, then you should only have expectations that are appropriate in dating a renegade.
  • It's always good to be explicit about what you want out of a relationship so that they can adjust their expectations to fit that reality.

Where your desires and needs don't line up, you don't want to have any lingering expectations. You certainly don't want to be drawing any "boundaries" that involve them changing their reality to suit your unrealistic expectations. As people need to compromise to deal with each other, resentment grows and we end up with the same old behaviors that have made for crappy relationships in the past.

Am I allowed to ask him to spend more time with me?

As long as you are enthusiastically open to hearing "no", you can ask for anything you want.

However, for the sake of laying healthy groundwork I would recommend asking only actionable requests, and not vague "let's talk about our relationship" requests.

Since you know for sure that this guy isn't trying to get in anyone's day planner so that he can be beholden to a restricted schedule, I would keep my requests for time immediate and limited in scope. So "want to get together Tuesday night for dancing?" would be appropriate, while "I'd like to set up a regular weekly date so that we can nurture our relationship" would probably just get you a weird look, so keep your wants in line with reality.

I hope that someone here would find the time to talk to me about this for a bit, I am truly in love with this man and I would hate to see things going south over me seeing things that aren't there.

Am I correct in understanding that you've known this person for a few weeks? If that's the case this person is still essentially a stranger. I would recommend taking a deep breath and enjoying your time with him, but don't go buying property with him just yet. It has always been my experience that I don't really know a person until I've known them for quite a while, and some of that time has involved things like moving a couch up a twisting staircase, dealing with each other after one of you is in an absolutely rotten mood, and changing a tire next to a busy road.

If you want to get to know who someone really is, dangle them over a volcano. If you don't have access to a volcano, just play Monopoly with them.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello Tahquil,

Six partners does sound like an awful lot, but I guess some people are able to handle having that many. You are definitely allowed to ask him to spend more time with you, just be aware that he in turn, is allowed to say no. What then remains is for you to decide whether you are willing/able to continue dating a man who does not meet your wants/needs. I don't blame you for having these feelings, I think you should voice your concerns.

Of course, you also have to consider the fact that you are not just a little bit in love with this man, you are head over heels in love. When your feelings are that strong, it's not so easy to walk away. You may have to just resign yourself to having a relationship that is maybe not perfect for you. You could, of course, look for an additional partner yourself, but I don't think that would solve your problem.

You are kind of getting a raw deal. I don't envy you.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Hi Tahquil and welcome to the forum.

FOR me solving or even examining the time share issue I think I’d need to know more about the other partners/ players.
i can’t see married people with kids being open or available at a moments notice no matter how magical this guy is. That said maybe one or 2 of you are back up / seat fillers for cancellations of when the life throws a wrench in the scheduled stuff .

How does Hef run this little Show ??? KTP or more of a parallel poly experience ?? If it’s KTP ( kitchen table poly ) you going to figure out quick how things work OR don’t work.
 
Top