Heart Heavy

R

Reiyth

New member
Hi. First post. I feel compelled to pour my heart out a little. Sorry for that. Ironically my poly relationship is going surprisingly well at the moment. First a little about me. I'm 31, mother of 5 ages 2-13y, interested in and dabble in a ton of different hobbies, but master of none. I'm female, hetero/bi-curious and married to my husband of 13 years (J) who to date is my only sexual partner.

My husband has always been of a non-monogamous mind set, which I didn't find out about until well into our marriage. I wasn't too happy with the idea of an open relationship or polyamory at first, and it has taken me many years to adjust, but about a year ago we finally started to seriously venture into things and my husband started a relationship with a woman we met together at a gathering and I had given him my stamp of approval on (S). Things have progressed well with the expected hurdles of jealousy issues and time management and whatnot, and about 2 weeks ago she moved into her own bedroom in our home. Right now we would be a V relationship, but I hope to become closer to her over time and to form a more triad relationship, and I think(hope) she does too. Overall, basically things are going well and I feel at this point being poly is enriching all of our lives.

My kiddos are handling things great. We are a very open family in regards to communication and they know there isn't anything they cant talk to us about. The young ones are full of acceptance and innocence and see nothing strange at all at having anther adult around. My 10 year old seems curious as to why he should care at all since it doesn't have much to do with him. My 13yr old seems concerned the most unsurprisingly. He was a bit fearful about how this change would affect his life and disrupt things at home, we reassured him that nothing was happening or could happen that would change his place in our family and that whether this new relationship worked out our not, his father and I were committed to our family and he and his siblings first. He seems much reassured after this conversation and seems to enjoy having a new person to hang out with. His only hang ups are concerning PDA which weirds him out a little, but that is true between his father an I as well (and most other teenagers and their parents I think).

So why the heart ache then? Last weekend we had our first family get together over at my house with S there with us and my mother noticed that she and my husband were sitting inappropriately close together on the coach. That combined with the fact that S had moved in with us finally combined in her head and resulted in her figuring out our open secret. The cat is out of the bag, and apparently that cat is ugly. I found out on Tuesday that she has been near hysterical since she left my place on Sunday. Crying, unable to sleep. etc.

Me and my mom are close. Probably closer than any two other members of my family. I visit her at least once a week for at least half a day, sometimes more and also usually talk to her several times during the week. She is conservative and traditional, not particularly religious although she does believe in God and prays. She hates turmoil and confrontations, usually just wants everyone to get along and not make a fuss and puts family first. Her biggest fault is usually being too much of a push over. I usually feel free to talk to her about most things and she is usually fairly open minded, but can be stubborn at times in a passive aggressive way. I don't usually talk to her about my sex life or my relationship with J, partly because the topic of sex makes her uncomfortable, and partly because J doesn't like having our private business discussed with others. My mom has always been a vital part of my support system, always been there for me and I have never questioned her love for me. We have often talked of her moving in with my family into a MIL apartment or a small house nearby when she retires.

I'm just discovering this, but apparently sex is a huge moral issue for her. She feels that any sexual relationship that is not heterosexual, monogamous and inside of marriage is immoral and wrong. She has stated what we are doing is sinful and evil and disgusting. The idea of it makes her want to throw up. My sister(K), who still lives with her, threw more gas on the fire and decided to come out as gay to her on Wednesday. She jumped in the flames with me in a misguided attempt to give mom some perspective and made things even worse. K is not very tactful to say the least and is pretty hurt and angry now too. I have NEVER seen my mom say such hateful things. I have never known she possessed this much hate and intolerance in her. I didn't know my mild mannered mother could twist her face and such a hateful grimace. I'm seriously shocked. I never expected this from her. I spoke with her face to face this morning. I'm proud of how I handled things at least. I didn't get mad or yell. I explained as best I could that we were in a loving committed relationship that had just gotten a little bigger. She spat venom at me. I've never seen her look that way. So full of hate. I just repeated to her how much I loved her. Tried to tell her my side of things. Told her I respected her feelings over and over. I explained I wasn't trying to change her mind. Didn't want to force this choice on her and didn't understand why this she thought this had anything to do with her at all. I told her I never believed that she cared so much about my sexual morality, and I thought she would be happy or at least content when she saw I was happy with it. I never meant to hurt her. I asked her if she wanted me to not visit any more. She refused to answer me. I told her that I would always love her, and I would do everything I could to respect her feelings, and for her to give me a text and let me know if she what she decided. Then I left.

Guys, I just lost my best friend. I am reeling. I never gave much thought about "coming out," just assumed everyone I cared about would love me regardless. I never thought my relationship choices had anything to do with her really. This thing came out of no where. I sat there while she said hateful things and called my loved ones horrible things. I never knew she was so homophobic and intolerant. Apparently she can only tolerate it from a distance. I never dreamed she could reject me like this, no matter what. I'm so hurt and angry. My mom was my rock. I'm so hurt. I just hope she will come around. I just hope that she loves me more than she hates.

I know there isn't much you guys can do to advise me. There isn't much to be done in the face of such blind hate. Thanks for listening though.

-Reiyth
 
I'm so sorry to hear about how your mom responded. I can only imagine how hard that is for you. (Hugs) if you want them.
 
I'm so sorry! Some of my extended family reacted in a fairly awful fashion as well, when we came out - were dragged out - but time has tempered things. It's been a little over a year and things have greatly improved with most. Hang in there!
 
I'm so sorry for your pain and I can relate right now. My mom is reacting negatively towards me leaving the church and is so desperately upset and not sleeping etc. I dread to think how she'll be when I'm out of the poly closet.

I'm very close to my mom too, she is a big part of my support. But I guess...it just means the support needs to come from somewhere else from now on. Especially regarding your relationships. I hope for both our sakes that our parents realise how close-minded they're being. Virtual hugs to you
 
Oh hon, how painful. I am so sorry your mom lost her mind. You did not deserve that.

I suggest going to Dan Savage's blog or column and read or listen what he has to say about coming out as queer to parents (particularly very religious parents). Coming out as poly is not exactly the same but I think the dynamic is similar enough that his advice is useful.

Basically he says to give parents a year to have their freak out, to ask stupid questions and so on. During that year the person coming out doesn't tolerate their rages or let parents act abusively at them but answers questions honestly asked, offers resources to read, and is basically open and willing to have difficult conversations. Many parents get over themselves and are able to have a loving relationship again with their children. But if they don't, after a year, he recommend removing yourself from their lives. Little to no contact. If they realize they will lose you (and your family) then many parents get a grip at that point once they realize the consequences of being a bigot.

So read what he has to say and think about it. Maybe it will be helpful, maybe not.

Finally, do your best to realize that your mom's hate and rage are *not* really about you. Something else is going on - she is reacting to some internal trigger, some unacknowledged loss or pain. That kind of outsize, completely out of left field reaction is usually not about the situation in front of her but that situation has triggered some deep pain. I know this is so hard - she's your mom! - and she has reacted in the worst possible way. But maybe it can help you to realize that this awful reaction is not your fault and it isn't really about you at all.

Hugs. I hope things get better soon.
 
Thanks for your support. I'm hopeful that she will come around. In some ways though the damage has been already done. I don't think I will ever see her quite the same. I just keep seeing that hateful grimace on her face. ..
 
opalescent said:
I suggest going to Dan Savage's blog or column and read or listen what he has to say about coming out as queer to parents (particularly very religious parents). Coming out as poly is not exactly the same but I think the dynamic is similar enough that his advice is useful.

Basically he says to give parents a year to have their freak out, to ask stupid questions and so on. During that year the person coming out doesn't tolerate their rages or let parents act abusively at them but answers questions honestly asked, offers resources to read, and is basically open and willing to have difficult conversations. Many parents get over themselves and are able to have a loving relationship again with their children. But if they don't, after a year, he recommend removing yourself from their lives. Little to no contact. If they realize they will lose you (and your family) then many parents get a grip at that point once they realize the consequences of being a bigot.
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Dan Savage is awesome. Really, give him a listen:
Only 4 minutes!
 
I guess I can understand her shock, though, too. I mean you didn't really come out so much as thrust it in her face. But oh well, what's done is done. Moving forward...

Give her time, let her get over the shock. I think one thing that helps a lot of people get over it is to just take out the shame and shock. So like, treat it as the most normal thing in the world and turn it around on her for thinking it has anything to do with her and her life. Your happiness, and that of your husband, is your own business.
 
I'm sorry you struggle. Major disappointment when we want our parents to continue to be healthy adult role models and they go having a cow like that. You sound like you need that validated. Your picture of your mother got updated in a big surprising way. Shocking when we expect better/more from our parents.

I cannot say it better than Opalescent though.

I am glad you are proud of handling the situation well. I am sorry though that she went off having a mean cow.

Some parents have a hard time dealing with adult children living their adult lives in ways other than the parent's way. They relate it back to themselves like... "What will people think? OMG my children stink for doing this to me!"

All untrue.... You did not do anything TO her. Neither did your sister. You each are just living your lives.

But give it time. Mom also has to update her mental pictures to reflect current actuality. Not her perceived reality from before. That might be jarring for her if her previous ideas about the world around her and about her kids were way off base.

For yourself? Be firm about your boundaries. Give her space. Do not allow her to spew venom at you. You can say

"No. I see this is hard for you. But I do not accept this treatment. You are (saying rude things/ spewing venom/ acting out at me.) I am (going home/ I think you should go home.) We can talk when you cool off and can talk calmly."

For mom? Be open for her to come to you when she is ready to behave in non-spew ways. When she is ready to exercise self control. Do not go "chasing" her. Se has a has to sit with her own feelings and sort them out, however uncomfortable that might feel for her. Do not "rescue" her from that -- however tempting it is, just because you miss her and want things back to normal.

Whatever deep issues it triggered for her (Maybe her own relationships in past?)... That stuff is for HER to sort out. Leave her to it.

Could acknowledge that you see it is hard for her. Could validate that part of it. But could NOT get sucked into doing her work for her. Could encourage her toward counseling instead so she can process with a more appropriate person. If you need support like that -- seek counseling yourself.

I think it is time for super clear personal boundaries -- this stuff is mine to deal with. This stuff is yours to deal with. She does not have to love your stuff any more than you have to love her stuff. Each tends to their own stuff.

But hopefully in time both can look beyond the "stuff" and continue to love each other.

I hope she is better after a year and comes to have that ability. Hang in there.

Galagirl
 
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Greetings Reiyth,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Sorry your mom went off on you like that. Often when people come out (about being gay, poly, or whatever), it's the people they expected the most support from who act the worst about the news. I agree with Dan Savage; let your mom pitch a fit for about a year and then put your foot down. Her bad choices have consequences.

Cling to your own home, and lean on us on this site as needed. Build a new support group to help you get through this.

I am glad you could join us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

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If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I don't think I really shoved it in her face. I mean we just weren't trying to hide it. They werent making out, just sitting close together on the coach. I also had no idea she felt so strongly and would react so badly either. If I had known I probably would have taken further steps to break it to her easier. This wasn't the first time she had met S. S has been attending family gatherings, birthdays, holidays, etc with us for at months. the only difference was that this was the first gathering since she has moved in with us.

Thanks for the Dan Savage recommendation. He has a great perspective on things and is pretty entertaining as well. I agree with the approach for coming out he presents, although a year is a lot longer of a time than I would have expected. I'm sure mom will come around. It's almost impossible for me to believe she wouldn't eventually. On the other hand, I feel like I've opened pandoras box. Now I've seen a side to my mom that I never knew was there, so full of hate and intolerance, and nothing can ever be the same again. like I can never go back to that close relationship we always had. So I'm kind of morning the loss of my innocence, and the loss of that relationship.
 
Reiyth said:
Now I've seen a side to my mom that I never knew was there, so full of hate and intolerance, and nothing can ever be the same again. like I can never go back to that close relationship we always had. So I'm kind of morning the loss of my innocence, and the loss of that relationship.
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I think that the year Dan Savage recommends is not only for the parent to have time to change, but for the adult child, as well. Every adult child goes through some sort of rite of passage type conflict with a parent that serves as the crucible for maturity. No matter who we are or what our circumstances, we all experience something along the way that shows us that our parents are flawed, real humans - struggling, unsure and ill behaved sometimes. They are not rocks, not always wise, not gods, but just average people trying to make sense of this world like everyone else. I think this is in large part what "the year" is about: time to allow for changes in the parents and time to allow for the adult child to change, as well. Of course we want our parents to always love us unconditionally, but as we become adults (whenever that is) and ask to be equal to them, we also must learn how to establish our lives separate from the need for anyone else's approval. The Coming Out story is something everyone experiences in one way or another and the year of adjustment is time for everyone in the story to change, mature and hopefully re-settle into new, more adult-peer relationship roles.

I'm glad you listened to Dan Savage. He has such humane, witty and helpful commentary on social interactions. Listen to his many talks on monogamy and relationships - so uplifting no matter your particular orientation.
 
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Feeling for you. My mom died, and my two closest friends abandoned me after we pursued a poly quad. Putting your pieces back together with new materials can be rough. Please, please take care of yourself.
 
, I feel like I've opened pandoras box. Now I've seen a side to my mom that I never knew was there, so full of hate and intolerance, and nothing can ever be the same again. like I can never go back to that close relationship we always had. So I'm kind of morning the loss of my innocence, and the loss of that relationship.
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That is the same for mom.

She has seen a side of her adult kids she did not know was there and has to process it.

No. You cannot go back to NOT knowing these new things about each other.

Perhaps mom will get over her weird about poly/gay stuff. Like not wanting these things for herself but understanding she is not her children.

Maybe you could both could take time out to process, and build closeness again based on greater understanding of one another in time.

I hope so. Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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As hard as this may be to imagine, you may have an opportunity to build a deeper relationship with your mom. It is possible to create a new, close relationship with her - I realize that's difficult to conceive of right now but bear with me.

Look you found out some ugly stuff about your mom and she may well feel the same about you. Your mental ideas about each other are shattered. But you can now start to deal with each other as you really are - the good, bad and in-between everyone has. Your mom's good points are still there just as you are still really the same person you always were before telling her about your poly relationships. Your mental maps of each other have been torn up and that is very painful but the possibility is that there is now so much more room on those maps for all of who you, and your mom, are.

The year thing is really so both people can adjust. HappilyFallenAngel is right about that. It's hard to show who you really are sometimes to those who raised us. And it's harder when we know they will disapprove of who we are in some way.

This is going to be hard in the midst of your hurt and disappointment (which are totally entitled to feel). But it might help if you can reach a point where you look on this painful experience as a way to get to really, truly know your mom as a full person. Hopefully she will be (eventually with time and some strong boundaries) open to wanting to know you too. This will not be fast, easy or painfree. But it is possible and one way to make something great out of this tough time.

I'm not saying you should do this. Or that it will work out. Even if you are open to getting to know your mom 'for reals', she may not be. That is scary stuff for anyone, doubly so for children and parents (in my opinion). Your current relationship with your mom is destroyed. Destruction is awful and traumatic. It is also when you can start creating something new. You can't see her in the same way anymore. But now that has happened, you can potentially rebuild something intimate and truly knowing and loving.
 
I am new to this too and don't plan to tell my Mom or many family members...but maybe you and she could do counseling. Our counselor has been wonderful with my husband. A few sessions and maybe even reading a book on the subject could help her.

Sorry this happened.
 
That's a good thought. Does anyone have any suggestions for reading material for her? She does like to read, and maybe that will be less of a personal in your face way to get some ideas across to her. I know there are already a bunch of good poly books out there, but any specifically written to her audience? I'm afraid a normal poly book would be rejected out of hand.
 
Hi Reiyth,

For a book that argues that Homo sapiens isn't necessarily a naturally monogamous species, I recommend "Sex at Dawn: how we mate, why we stray, and what it means for modern relationships," by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá.

"Opening Up" and "More than Two" are great how-to books, but I'm assuming that's not the type of thing your mom would be interested in. Although who knows, maybe finding out that there's a responsible way to do nonmonogamy would soften her heart a little.

One other book that might help your mom is, "The Polyamorists Next Door: inside multiple-partner relationships and families," by Elisabeth Sheff. I haven't read it, but I'd like to, it sounds like a good book. Something to consider.

I hope that helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Reiyth, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I had a huge falling out with my mother (not related to sexuality or the like in any way, though) and our relationship has never been the same. I have not "come out" to my family yet, and I don't know if I ever will (they don't live close, we're not close) except to my middle nephew who is just an awesome kid (21) overall.

I'm also in a V, so I get where you're at although mine is more like an emotional Triad as she and I are very close (we were close and good friends before there was anything with Hubs). Wifey is moving in at the end of the month, coming from another state. It's a huge change for everyone but we're excited. Hubs and I have a 10yo who, much like your 10yo, is handling things great.

I wish I had advice in regards to your mom, but I don't. So I can only send you some virtual hugs.
 
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