Heartbroken, does anyone have advice for a situation like this?

[Throwawaybrokenheart]

Using a throwaway because I have no idea if she is on here or not. Once I get into the details it probably won’t be as anonymous as I’d like but I have absolutely nobody to turn to for help at all.

Backstory: I (M31) met my ex girlfriend (F33) online almost 6 years ago, and we only talked on and off for a few years before we finally met in early 2024. She is married to her husband (M37) who she’s been with for almost 12 years now. She mentions that he has very little interest in sexual activity and also has no interest in meeting any of her partners. (I did actually end up meeting him once, the interaction was brief and polite). I told her it was my very first time being in a poly relationship, and my second relationship overall. We started seeing each other more regularly in person and became official a few months later in May of 2024. Fast forward to June of 2025, and she tells me she needs to put our relationship on hold because of personal/health issues. We both agree and she tells me she still wants me in her life so we continue to do so.

In December of 2025 we see each other again and she tells me how much she misses me when we don’t see each other before kissing me passionately. I assumed that was us rekindling what we had. Jump ahead to the end of last month, and I found out she met another man, who she is now in a dom/sub relationship with (unsure if romantic or not). I have no hard feelings toward this as I was her previous dom while I was her boyfriend. I met up with her to talk about where we stand and she told me we could continue as friends with benefits for the time being, but that she still deeply loves me. I also love her deeply as well and I told her I truly do not want anyone else but her.

We end up having extremely passionate sex for a few hours while being very intimate and open with our feelings and love for each other. Her husband actually called her to check in and she tells him she lost track of time and wasn’t looking at her phone. After she went home she texted me that her husband was extremely upset that she didn’t let him know about our intimate encounter (this is a rule of theirs where they’ll tell each other about any intimate plans with others beforehand). He was only aware that she was meeting me to talk in person. It was honestly completely unplanned between us and escalated impulsively after we were talking about our feelings. After almost a year of not being intimate with her, we could both feel just how bad we missed and needed each other in the heat of the moment. She told me that she feels right at home whenever she is with me and that I am such a good man for her.

The next morning she told me that it was the biggest mistake of her life cheating on her husband like that with me and that he asked her to cut all ties with me. She said she completely broke down with guilt and heartbreak over hurting me and him, and that she was going to respect his wishes. I asked her if we could talk about it later and she said no because she couldn’t be strong enough to listen to him and that she would cave in if she listened to what I would have to say. Before she blocked me we said our goodbyes and both mutually expressed how we still love each other deeply. I also told her if things change in the future I’ll always be here for her to find me again.

I feel so sick and heartbroken beyond repair even though it’s only been a few days. I truly love and care about her and I never intended for this to happen. We both share an intense emotional and physical bond unlike anything I have experienced with anyone else before. I know she’s hurting deeply as well and I need advice so badly right now. I am completely new to all this and could use some advice from those of you who are more experienced. I truly do not want to be with anyone else, my heart only wants her. Is this something that is salvageable in the future if she is able to rebuild trust with her husband over this? Should I reach out to her once a lot of time has passed? Or should I wait to see if she reaches out to me first?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Throwawaybrokenheart,

I'm truly sorry that she has broken up with you, you had something special with her and this is very painful. As difficult as it is, my advice is to respect her decision to cut contact -- that is, do not try to contact her unless/until she reaches out to you first. For the record, I don't think the agreement she and her husband had was a wise one. Sex by its very nature tends to be spontaneous, I could see having an agreement to inform him of the sex you and she had right after the sex, but not before. But, that was their decision and agreement, and if she wanted to change the agreement, she should have told him so before her encounter with you. I'm not sure polyamory is a great arrangement for her husband, I tend to think that if she wants to stay married, she should do it monogamously. That is my take on the situation.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry. It doesn't sound like she really has a healthy poly relationship to offer you.

Since she broke up with you and blocked you, respect her wishes and let it be over. Delete/block all the things from your end as well.

Take good care of yourself in the coming days/weeks/months as you heal from the breakup. You are grieving, from the sound of it, grieving hard.

Galagirl

 

[MeeraReed]

I can understand why you have heartbreak and whiplash from this. Her behavior has been confusing and you don't have any control over the situation.

But she sounds full of a lot of unhealthy contradictions and unnecessary drama.

She had to stop seeing you for personal/health reasons, but she was able to date someone else a few months later?

She wanted to be friends with benefits with you, but also still loved you deeply? (How would that work?)

She fooled around with you, and that is somehow "cheating" on her husband? Even though her husband previously was okay with her having poly relationships, and she might have another boyfriend also? The husband needs to be told about her being intimate before it happens, otherwise he's heartbroken beyond repair? And now she can't ever see or speak to you again, because of her husband? That would be WAY too much poly drama for me.

If you like poly relationships, you can find one with a more emotionally mature woman in a healthier poly marriage, without all this drama and wishy-washiness.

If you're actually monogamous at heart, you may want to focus on finding a monogamous relationship.

Your best course of action is to work on doing what will make YOU happy--building your life, dating other people, etc. I know your feelings for her won't just go away. But she won't speak to you, so you don't really have a choice. You have to go on without her right now.

Work on YOU. Go on dates, explore the kink scene (if that's what you want), think about whether you want monogamy or non-monogamy for yourself.

If she gets in touch with you at some future time, you might have more clarity about what you want for yourself and what you'd be willing to put up with in a relationship.

 

[Throwawaybrokenheart]

Hello Throwawaybrokenheart,

I'm truly sorry that she has broken up with you, you had something special with her and this is very painful. As difficult as it is, my advice is to respect her decision to cut contact -- that is, do not try to contact her unless/until she reaches out to you first. For the record, I don't think the agreement she and her husband had was a wise one. Sex by its very nature tends to be spontaneous, I could see having an agreement to inform him of the sex you and she had right after the sex, but not before. But, that was their decision and agreement, and if she wanted to change the agreement, she should have told him so before her encounter with you. I'm not sure polyamory is a great arrangement for her husband, I tend to think that if she wants to stay married, she should do it monogamously. That is my take on the situation.

With sympathy,
Kevin T.

Thank you so much for your sympathy and insight on my situation. I am trying my hardest not to reach out to her even though I am losing myself completely and shutting down. When I first met her, she let me know that she and her husband had their own relationship but were okay with each other dating others separately. I told her I was completely new to poly relationships and I am unable to understand why now her husband all of a sudden took issue with us and decided unfairly that she could no longer speak to me. He was fully aware of how long I had been with her and how she still wanted me in her life even after we had to put our relationship on hold.

 

[Throwawaybrokenheart]

I'm sorry. It doesn't sound like she really has a healthy poly relationship to offer you.

Since she broke up with you and blocked you, respect her wishes and let it be over. Delete/block all the things from your end as well.

Take good care of yourself in the coming days/weeks/months as you heal from the breakup. You are grieving, from the sound of it, grieving hard.

Galagirl

I sincerely appreciate your reply, I could really use any and all forms of advice and insight. I am suffering so intensely and deeply right now. I absolutely cannot bring myself to delete and block on my end because I miss her terribly. I know she did not want this outcome as well. This was because of the control that her husband used over her. I cannot fully process the amount of pain I am in at the moment, and no amount of time will ever heal me from this. I also want to mention that I haven’t been fully blocked on some platforms/methods of contact. Do you think it was just a forgetful oversight on her part? Or intentionally leaving the door open?

 

[GalaGirl]

If you cannot block/delete at this time, then just "mute." Do not go "chasing" her on unblocked platforms, trying to send her messages there. Do not peek in her social media things to see what she's doing.

However sad or regretful? She broke up with you. So respect her limit and be broken up.

I asked her if we could talk about it later and she said no because she couldn’t be strong enough to listen to him and that she would cave in if she listened to what I would have to say.

She was very clear in her no.

She's going through her own emotional upheaval. You coming back around to try to soothe your own grief by asking her to process with you is not respecting her no. It is also ADDING TO rather than REDUCING her burdens right now.

I don't know if you can avail yourself, but you might consider talking to a counselor. I don't know if this helps you find one:

www.polyfriendly.org

It's hard to grieve poly breakups if you don't have poly friends, or at least people who are supportive, even if not poly themselves. If you have supportive friends, you could talk to them and either tell your story, ask for company on a walk, or other distractions like puzzles, movies, or games. Say, "I recently broke up. I don't want to get into that, but I could use some airing out or distraction. Could I bring coffee and help you walk your dog? Talk about the silly dog?"

You could ask them to bring you a meal or help you with whatever chore, like picking up the dry cleaning, freeing up some time for to you cry/nap, and things still get done. YKWIM? It's ok to ask for help.

You might also think about journaling and telling your story, whether in a paper journal or starting a blog thread here on this forum:

Life stories and blogs

Share your stories and blog about your current life situations, inspiring others

polyamory.com

or in some other style.

This breakup JUST happened. It is very fresh. Go day by day. If that's too big, go hour by hour. Give yourself time.

Even if your romantic life got dinged, keeping your other things stable might help as you navigate grief. Then one area of life is unsettled and it's not like ALL areas got unsettled. If you used to work out at 7 PM after work, maybe change to yoga. That's a more gentle workout. But it's still a workout.

It's ok to go "low power mode." But still pay attention to your sleeping times, eating times, work times, exercise times, shower/bath times, etc. Try to maintain something of a schedule.

If you need to shut down and have a cry? Go ahead. Set it up. Take time off, get some frozen food/easy foods, set up your tea, blanket, movies, video games, other comfort items, however it is you do it.

Set up your safe space/way of doing and then... drop all the marbles. Have the cry.

Galagirl

 

[Throwawaybrokenheart]

I can understand why you have heartbreak and whiplash from this. Her behavior has been confusing and you don't have any control over the situation.

But she sounds full of a lot of unhealthy contradictions and unnecessary drama.

She had to stop seeing you for personal/health reasons, but she was able to date someone else a few months later?

She wanted to be friends with benefits with you, but also still loved you deeply? (How would that work?)

She fooled around with you, and that is somehow "cheating" on her husband? Even though her husband previously was okay with her having poly relationships, and she might have another boyfriend also? The husband needs to be told about her being intimate before it happens, otherwise he's heartbroken beyond repair? And now she can't ever see or speak to you again, because of her husband? That would be WAY too much poly drama for me.

If you like poly relationships, you can find one with a more emotionally mature woman in a healthier poly marriage, without all this drama and wishy-washiness.

If you're actually monogamous at heart, you may want to focus on finding a monogamous relationship.

Your best course of action is to work on doing what will make YOU happy--building your life, dating other people, etc. I know your feelings for her won't just go away. But she won't speak to you, so you don't really have a choice. You have to go on without her right now.

Work on YOU. Go on dates, explore the kink scene (if that's what you want), think about whether you want monogamy or non-monogamy for yourself.

If she gets in touch with you at some future time, you might have more clarity about what you want for yourself and what you'd be willing to put up with in a relationship.

When she had to put our relationship on hold because of her health/personal reasons, she made it clear to me that she still loved me and wanted me in her life. We still saw each other less frequently and I always made sure to check in on her. As for the new man in the picture, I do believe she met him a lot more recently, not shortly after she put us on hold. We talked a bit about it when I last saw her in person, and she told me they are in a dom/sub relationship. I am certain it isn’t a romantic boyfriend/girlfriend relationship like the one I had with her, and I also want to mention that I was also her dom while we were together. I know for a fact she still loves me and we were both on board with being friends with benefits.

The next morning is when she informed me that her husband asked her to cut all contact with me. I just don’t understand why he would have an issue with her seeing me all of a sudden and saying that her intimacy with me was suddenly an act of cheating and betrayal against him. He was fully aware of how long I had been with her and her desire to keep me in her life.

As for me being monogamous, I was fully accepting and understanding of her already established marriage and other relationships. She told me she was fully on board with me seeing other people if I ever desired to do so. Just to be clear, I was not opposed to that at all. However, I felt more than complete with her and I didn’t really feel any interest in pursuing others. When we last saw each other a week ago, a similar conversation came up and I told her that my heart truly only wanted her, which led her to embrace me tightly and reaffirm that she still wanted me in her life.

I absolutely cannot see myself dating other people. I cannot open myself up to others like that again because I will always love her. As for exploring the kink scene, I cannot do that either. Apart from sharing such an intense and loving emotional bond with her, we shared an intense physical and sexual bond deeply rooted in kink. It was something we could both feel without words and she told me that nobody has ever made her feel that way before. She felt safe, loved, and gave herself to me with everything she possibly could. I know I will never find anyone else like her. The bonds and the love we shared absolutely cannot be replaced or fulfilled by anyone else.

As for her possibly reaching out to me in the future, I understand she has to first fix things with her husband. I know that will take time. I know that loving bond we shared is something that touched both of our hearts so deeply and it isn’t something that can just be left to die permanently. Like I mentioned in my reply to the other person who commented above, she did not fully block me on every platform. Do you think that was just an oversight on her part, and she’ll catch it later? Or do you think it was leaving the door open for me?

 

[GalaGirl]

Like I mentioned in my reply to the other person who commented above, she did not fully block me on every platform. Do you think that was just an oversight on her part, and she’ll catch it later? Or do you think it was leaving the door open for me?

I don't know how honest you want. I'll assume super honest.

It’s possible it was just an oversight, but it’s also possible she wants some boundaries and just hadn't gotten to blocking on all the things. This break up JUST happened to her too.

Right now you are vulnerable because it was your first poly and/or kink relationship, and only your 2nd relationship ever. I'm not saying there's anything malicious here. But I've seen people do all kinds of weird. And there's no escaping the fact that newbies make easy targets.

While I'm hoping she's not trying to do "loyalty tests" and make you her puppet with all this up and downy, if she IS, you are best out of it. Which you already are.

The safest approach is to respect her “no” and stop checking on her activity.

Whether or not you two get back together later on, it can be later on. Let cooler heads prevail. Right now, you do not have a cool head. You are in deep grief. This is not the time to be making any big decisions.

What you’re experiencing is part of the "bargaining stage" of grief — wanting to get around things, or reinterpret the situation, like twisting the puzzle pieces around in all directions. It’s completely normal, but it doesn’t mean she wants you chasing her.

If she's having that much trouble with the husband, that might be one of your conditions on getting back together. You want autonomous, healthy polyamory, not one where a third party (the husband) dictates what can and cannot happen in the (you + her) relationship.

Someone has to be the first poly person you date. It doesn't mean it will last forever. It also doesn't mean that they'll do polyamory well, or even use the "polyamory" word the same way you do. Some people say "polyamory" but mean ENM, or something else.

If what you and she shared was real and meaningful? Nobody can take your memories away from you. They are yours forever.

But you don't have to live cut off from life and other people either. It's ok not to want to date other people right now. The breakup was just this week! And while it's normal in grief to say kind of dramatic things like, "I'll never love again!" I hope over time you change your mind, heal, and allow yourself to experience love again.

GG

 

[Magdlyn]

Without writing a long post, I also want to concur that heartbreak does heal over time. You'll always feel the grief of a great loss, whether through an "unfair" breakup, like this one, where you were "vetoed" by her husband, or through a death, or losing a dear friend, family member, or lover in another way.

But heal you do. The wound scabs over, then turns to a scar. You find yourself laughing at a joke, or noticing an exceptionally beautiful sunset or other nice scene. A child or a kitten joyfully playing make you smile. Life starts to come back into balance, eventually.

 

[LoveBunny]

Breakups always hurt, but some people take breakups harder than others. This is a great time to delve into yourself, figure out why a breakup has the power to devastate you. Look into your childhood, your past relationships, and how you perceive yourself and the world. All this affects how you deal with a breakup.

So, I'm a bad breaker-upper. I suffer deeply and often for far longer than the relationship merits. The r'ship that brought me to this forum like 13 years ago was a few-month-long poly thing that never properly took off, yet I took years to get over. It has to do with emotionally distant parents and early romantic rejections, having no bearing in whether the r'ship in question was actually good or not.

At some point, I started reading anything I could get my hands on about how to survive breakups. Here's what I learned.

First, it is imperative to stop the bleeding out by going "no contact." That means no peeking on social media, no texting, no trying to run into her. Talk about her to others as little as you possibly can (journal or get a therapist instead so you don't exhaust your friends/family) and when you do? Don't say her name, call her "the ex." Get rid of or hide any reminders of her. If you try to kid yourself that there's any chance of getting back together, you'll delay grieving and delay the healing process.

Distraction and reinvention are your friend. Take up a new hobby, an intense exercise regime, volunteer, get some overtime at work, adopt a puppy, whatever. Be super-kind to yourself, eat healthy, get enough sleep, and make sure you look good when you leave the house in case you run into her or anyone who knows her--you don't want any more hits to your self-esteem. If it's not totally fiscally irresponsible, indulge yourself with a trip or a sportscar or whatever might give you a boost. Do whatever you can to level up in your life. If you have a therapist or need anti-depressants to make it through, that's ok. Whatever is healthy and keeps you moving forward, do it.

Do you have a support system of friends, family or community? Now's the time to call them into action. Let them take you out to dinner, movies, whatever. If you don't have a support system, now's a great time to cultivate new connections. After my most recent breakup, my friendly local karaoke bar was a lifeline for me, a place to go get hugs, have fun and get my mind off. I also took up surfing, got into local theater, and got a tattoo (and also drank too much, cried a lot and slept with awful people, but don't do that, lol.)

I feel you, because I honestly thought I was going to die for the first year after my last breakup, which, like yours, was poly and D/S (and long-term and live-in.) I really loved him but he hadn't been treating me well for while. My self esteem took a huge hit because I stayed. Sounds like your relationship had been a roller coaster that probably took pieces out of you, and that's part of why you feel so stuck right now. But you know what?

In time, doing the work, I started to feel better. A year after the breakup, I met my current partner. While you're learning how to survive breakups better, you might actually learn how to choose better partners, too. My current partner is a much better fit for me, and we are in a much healthier dynamic than my previous relationship. I'm happier now than I ever was with what's-his-name.

You can get through this, but you have to start by letting the broken relationship go. It's over, and honestly? Even if she asked you to come back, judging but what you've written here, you might want to say hell no.

 

[XTremeMeow]

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you’re feeling makes sense, and anyone in your position would be hurting.
Here’s the honest, simple version.
Right now, this is not something you can fix or influence. She chose to cut contact because staying connected to you makes it impossible for her to repair things with her husband. That doesn’t mean what you shared wasn’t real. It means the situation became unsustainable.

Even though the intimacy was unplanned and mutual, it still broke a rule in her marriage. When that happens, the usual response is distance from the person involved. That’s why she blocked you. It’s not about you being bad or disposable.

Is it salvageable someday? Maybe, but only if a lot of things change:

Her marriage survives and stabilizes
Her husband rebuilds trust
She freely decides she wants you in her life again
She reaches out openly, without secrecy
That’s a long and uncertain path. You can’t wait for it without hurting yourself.
Do not reach out to her. Contacting her would put her under more pressure, increase her guilt, and likely make things worse.

Respecting the boundary is the only option right now, even though it hurts.
What you’re feeling isn’t just love, it’s also attachment formed through intensity, scarcity, and a sudden loss. That kind of bond feels overwhelming when it breaks. It doesn’t mean you’ll never want or love anyone else again, even if it feels that way now.

For now:
Don’t contact her
Write out what you want to say, but don’t send it
Avoid rereading messages or checking for her online
Take care of basic needs like eating and sleeping

If you can, talk to a therapist
You weren’t a mistake. The connection was real. But sometimes something real still can’t continue in real life.

Your job right now isn’t to wait for her. It’s to get through this without breaking yourself.

 

[Throwawaybrokenheart]

I just want to say that I am reading each and every reply and piece of advice that you all are leaving for me. I sincerely appreciate it so much during this painful time. I will get around to replying more later.

 

[XTremeMeow]

I just want to say that I am reading each and every reply and piece of advice that you all are leaving for me. I sincerely appreciate it so much during this painful time. I will get around to replying more later.

We apreciate the fact that you actually read our comments and take the best advice for you

 

[dingedheart]

Backstory: I (M31) met my ex girlfriend (F33) online almost 6 years ago, and we only talked on and off for a few years before we finally met in early 2024. She is married to her husband (M37) who she’s been with for almost 12 years now. She mentions that he has very little interest in sexual activity and also has no interest in meeting any of her partners. (I did actually end up meeting him once, the interaction was brief and polite). I told her it was my very first time being in a poly relationship, and my second relationship overall. We started seeing each other more regularly in person and became official a few months later in May of 2024. Fast forward to June of 2025, and she tells me she needs to put our relationship on hold because of personal/health issues. We both agree and she tells me she still wants me in her life so we continue to do so.

How long were she and her husband open or poly prior to you meeting and then officially hooking up? It sounds like the reason they were open was he is on the asexual side things.

How often were you meeting in person? What’s regularly? Once or twice a week? Once a month? Did you have specific times, a schedule carved out for in-person meet-ups, as well as online communication?

In December of 2025 we see each other again and she tells me how much she misses me when we don’t see each other before kissing me passionately. I assumed that was us rekindling what we had. Jump ahead to the end of last month, and I found out she met another man, who she is now in a dom/sub relationship with (unsure if romantic or not). I have no hard feelings toward this, as I was her previous dom while I was her boyfriend.

How did you find out? It doesn’t sound like she informed you of what’s going on in her life. How did they meet and how long was she involved with the new guy?

I met up with her to talk about where we stand and she told me we could continue as friends with benefits for the time being, but that she still deeply loves me. I also love her deeply. I told her I truly do not want anyone else but her.

To me (I could be way off here), saying she still deeply loves you, but wants to continue as friends with benefits is contradictory. 180 degrees from each other. I think it was her attempt at letting you down easy, with throwing in some booty to sweeten the deal, take the sting out.

We end up having extremely passionate sex for a few hours while being very intimate and open with our feelings and love for each other. Her husband actually called her to check in and she tells him she lost track of time and wasn’t looking at her phone. After she went home, she texted me that her husband was extremely upset that she didn’t let him know about our intimate encounter (a rule of theirs, where they’ll tell each other about any intimate plans with others beforehand). He was only aware that she was meeting me to talk in person. It was honestly completely unplanned between us and escalated impulsively after we were talking about our feelings. After almost a year of not being intimate with her, we could both feel just how bad we missed and needed each other in the heat of the moment. She told me that she feels right at home whenever she is with me and that I am such a good man for her.

Did you hear of this rule prior to that incident? Again, how long have they been open or poly? Seems like a gross overreaction for a relationship of that many yrs and that much personal time invested. It seems awfully convenient in the timing. It almost seems backwards from most NRE situations.

The next morning, she told me that it was the biggest mistake of her life, cheating on her husband like that with me, and that he asked her to cut all ties with me. She said she completely broke down with guilt and heartbreak over hurting me and him, and that she was going to respect his wishes. I asked her if we could talk about it later. She said no, because she couldn’t be strong enough to listen to him and that she would cave in if she listened to what I would have to say. Before she blocked me, we said our goodbyes, and both mutually expressed how we still loved each other deeply. I also told her if things changed in the future I’d always be here for her to find me again.

Cheating might be a slight dramatic over-representation of what happened. How many times did you play or have sex up until that point …. apparently all cleared and given the green light?

Something smells/feels off. The fact is, she’s got another guy already in the wings.

I feel so sick and heartbroken beyond repair, even though it’s only been a few days. I truly love and care about her and I never intended for this to happen. We both share an intense emotional and physical bond unlike anything I have experienced with anyone else before. I know she’s hurting deeply as well and I need advice so badly right now. I am completely new to all this and could use some advice from those of you who are more experienced. I truly do not want to be with anyone else, my heart only wants her. Is this something that is salvageable in the future if she is able to rebuild trust with her husband over this? Should I reach out to her once a lot of time has passed? Or should I wait to see if she reaches out to me first?

Yeah it sucks. But maybe she/they, with their rules, weren’t really worth it.

 

[Throwawaybrokenheart]

How long were she and her husband open or poly prior to you meeting and then officially hooking up? It sounds like the reason they were open was he is on the asexual side things.

How often were you meeting in person? What’s regularly? Once or twice a week? Once a month? Did you have specific times, a schedule carved out for in-person meet-ups, as well as online communication?

I am unsure of exactly how long, but she told me that they’ve been poly for several years. She did tell me they were initially monogamous when they first got together. When we first started dating, she also did in fact tell me that he was on the asexual side and he was accepting of her having other relationships, including sexual ones. She told me they date separately, but that he would rarely ever see others. We would meet a few times a month, no specific schedule, depending on her busy schedule. We would also text each other regularly. Before we became official, we would go on casual dates for a few months. She fell for me extremely hard, and I was initially a bit hesitant to pursue the relationship but I ended up feeling the same about her very soon after.

How did you find out? It doesn’t sound like she informed you of what’s going on in her life. How did they meet and how long was she involved with the new guy?

I found out about the new guy when she changed her status on Fetlife last month by removing our old relationship from before she had to put us on hold due to health issues. That’s what actually prompted me to meet up with her in person to talk about where we currently stood. I don’t think she has been involved with him for very long, and for sure nowhere near as long as I was with her. We talked about it a bit, and she said she’s a in dom/sub relationship with him, and I am certain it isn’t a romantic relationship like the one I shared with her (although I was also her dom while we were together). I can confirm this because she did not add the same “in a relationship with” status that she had with me with this new guy. His profile also lists him as single, with only the D/S relationship with her. While we were talking, she did genuinely apologize to me for not letting me know right away. She had taken a months-long break from the site and said it was her mistake for not removing our relationship shortly after she had to put us on hold in June of last year. I had (incorrectly) assumed that she was replacing me/didn’t want to see me anymore. She told me that she very much still wanted me in her life and after I told her I only truly wanted her, she embraced me and said that she still deeply loved me.

To me (I could be way off here), saying she still deeply loves you, but wants to continue as friends with benefits is contradictory. 180 degrees from each other. I think it was her attempt at letting you down easy, with throwing in some booty to sweeten the deal, take the sting out.

I do understand where she’s coming from, since her aforementioned health issues that caused her to put us on hold before are things that she will always be dealing with. Hence why she doesn’t appear to be in a romantic relationship with the new guy either. I can assure you that we both deeply love each other, she told me that the bond we have makes her feel at home with me and that she’s never felt this way with any previous partners (her husband being the only obvious exception).

Did you hear of this rule prior to that incident? Again, how long have they been open or poly? Seems like a gross overreaction for a relationship of that many yrs and that much personal time invested. It seems awfully convenient in the timing. It almost seems backwards from most NRE situations.

I was fully aware of this rule when we started dating. She told me they were completely open with each other about who they were seeing, and she would let him know of any plans (dates, intimacy, sleepovers with partners, etc.) beforehand. I am unsure exactly how many years they have been poly, but when I first met her on Fetlife in 2020, her bio already stated that she was in such a relationship with her husband. So I can assume quite a few years already before I came into the picture.

Cheating might be a slight dramatic over-representation of what happened. How many times did you play or have sex up until that point …. apparently all cleared and given the green light?

Something smells/feels off. The fact is, she’s got another guy already in the wings.

We have been intimate with each other multiple times since 2024 up until May 2025. Then there was a months long gap from when she put us on hold in June of last year up until last week when we saw each other. When we met up last week, it was only to talk about where our relationship stood. We did not plan ahead of time to have sex. But as we kept talking about how we still mutually loved each other deeply, our feelings became extremely overwhelming and one thing led to another with her initiating. Her husband was fully aware she was meeting me in person to talk, but as a few hours went by, he actually called to check in on her. Once she got home, she messaged me saying he was slut shaming her and saying that she cheated on him by not letting him know of the sex ahead of time. The next morning she told me that he had asked her to cut all contact with me. She said she absolutely broke down over the entire situation, and was extremely heartbroken over the way she deeply hurt him, me, and herself. I asked her if we could talk some more later that day but she said no, the reason being that she wouldn’t have the strength to respect his wishes if she discussed it with me. I’ll never know exactly what he said to her but as you can see, he must have given her some kind of ultimatum. Neither she nor I wanted this to happen, as we were both set on continuing to see each other. As for the other new guy, that is not something I have an issue with. I fully understood and accepted her being poly when we first met. When we were together before, she was also seeing a different guy as well, and that wasn’t an issue for me back then either. The real issue here is the way her husband reacted to our spontaneous intimacy and decided to unfairly use his power to put her in a position where she felt like she had no choice but to respect his wishes.

Yeah it sucks. But maybe she/they, with their rules, weren’t really worth it.

I know for a fact the relationship I had with her, and the love we still have for each other is something that is worth fighting for. I know that right now she can’t do anything about it unless she repairs trust with her husband first. I am really trying my hardest to not reach out to her like everyone else has told me. I also find it highly unusual that she chose NOT to block me on Fetlife, she only unfriended me that same day after blocking my number and blocking me on a few other platforms. She also hasn’t blocked me on a few other platforms either, which could just be an oversight? I’m not really sure what to make of it but I feel like she might reach out again one day. I am following everyone’s advice by not reaching out first though, as painful as it is

 

[CoralRose]

Breakups are the WORST. I'm not going to give you any advice, just say that I commiserate with you.