Hello everyone

F

Feeling overwhelmed

New member
A bit nervous here. I am married to a man that recently discovered he has hypersexual disorder and wishes for an open marriage. I don't even know where to begin or where to go. We are very close, but he desires someone to have sex with and not make love to. I have no way of fully explaining it, but the idea has me on edge. I agreed to it a while ago and although he found someone then, it drove me completely bonkers and I couldn't handle it. He said that in that process he felt even closer to me and the love he had for me was even stronger. He doesn't want more than 1 other "friend", but needs someone other than me. This has been a trying time for me and I want to support him but I am unsure how. He has suggested it be someone we know and he trusts but I cannot handle the thought of him being with one of our friends, so I suggested I would help him find someone, but I don't even know where to begin the search. It's quite painful for me to even discuss this, but I feel like this is a way I can support him. I am not looking for another sexual partner but I would love to find some support through this, along with any advice or thoughts.
 
It's not your responsibility to find him a fuck buddy. Let him manage that. OKC is always a starting point, kinda depends where you are located.

Let me say it one more time. It's not up to you to find him a sexual partner. In fact, you may find that the less you have to do with them, the easier it is for you. You can meet so you know them by sight and be cordial enough to contact them if, god forbid, he can't; but sometimes the best way to be supportive is to keep a step back and not try to put rules around him. Consider what courtesies you want to extend each other, but don't try to manage"the situation."

And as someone with two partners and occasional other fuck buddies myself, I can attest that there is a bit of impact on the marriage (how could there not be!), but overall, it's a net positive because of the deeper and more effective communication, the active intent to spend quality time with my husband, and I'm generally a more fulfilled person which means I can bring a better self to each relationship.

All the best for your evolution into this option. There's a lot to learn and there's bound to be some bumps along the way, but eventually it simply becomes a new normal.
 
Thanks for the response! Right now I feel that I have to be involved for my own sanity. What is OKC? This is a whole new territory for me and I'm trying to understand as much as possible. I'll admit, having an open relationship intrigues me too, fantasies and all that, but I don't think I could have more than 1 serious partner.
 
Feeling overwhelmed said:
Thanks for the response! Right now I feel that I have to be involved for my own sanity. What is OKC? This is a whole new territory for me and I'm trying to understand as much as possible. I'll admit, having an open relationship intrigues me too, fantasies and all that, but I don't think I could have more than 1 serious partner.
Click to expand...
Honestly I started out thinking I couldn't have more than one serious partner, and it took me a very long time to get past that and if life had wandered a different way, I might well not have done so. So that's entirely ok to not plan on doing so. I will say that if they do occur, feelings are not the easiest thing to control, only actions, so you might save yourself and your husband a LOT of angst by not trying to. (Although there are ways of structuring sex only relationships to make feelings more unlikely....)
 
Welcome. My wife has had success on Tinder. Best wishes.
 
How did your husband discover he was "hypersexual"? What does that mean? How old is he? Testosterone is a crazy thing. It can definitely make men, even into their 40s and beyond, crave sex every day, or more than once a day, or to be multi-orgasmic in one session. I don't think this is a disorder, per se. It's only a problem if it takes over his whole life, to the point where he's neglecting his work and family.

Heck, as a cis-woman, when I hit perimenopause and my hormones began to fire irregularly, I found myself craving and enjoying a thorough sexual release every day. I am multi-orgasmic, so that would usually take 1 1/2 hours a day of attention from my (ex) husband, who thought he'd finally hit the lottery. His sex drive matched mine until we broke up in our mid-50s.

All that said, it sounds like your sex drives are mismatched. Him having a fuck buddy or FWB would seem to be the perfect solution. It would fulfill his needs (at least somewhat), take the pressure off of you, it could make him calmer and probably (hopefully) MORE able to be present for the family (you and kids).

There would just need to be guidelines in place (many of them to prevent his infatuations from taking over his life):
Set aside a time for you 2 as a couple, good, bonding, enjoyable, quality time, sexual or not.
Set aside time to take care of kids.
Work at his job.
Household work.
Time for other family and platonic friends.
His personal time to refresh and re-center.
Set aside personal and friend time for you too.
Time for his "hunt:" searching dating sites, finding potential partners, texting with them, dating them, dealing with ongoing relationships (not to mention breakups, which will happen).
Agreements about safer sex: condoms with other partners, and/or with you.
Agreements about where his encounters would occur, which is especially important with kids at home.
Agreements about whether these FBs will be around the kids.
What to do if he "catches feelings" for his other partners.
Do you want to know about every single person he chats with? Or would it be better to only learn about them if the chat has gone well and an actual first date is imminent?

I hope this list will help you feel more in control of your fears, without feeling like you need to actually join the hunt and become his "pimp," for lack of a better word.

There's no need to respond to this post. Those are just some things to consider, things every person new to poly, who is in a committed couple, should consider.
 
Greetings Feeling overwhelmed,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.
Are You in Poly Hell?

As it stands, open/poly does not sound like it would be a good thing for you and by extension, it would not be a good thing for your husband. Poly is not for everyone. Even mono/poly (one partner monogamous, the other partner polyamorous), which comes with complications/difficulties of its own. Plus I think you're moving too fast. You need more time to research and discuss, without any commitment to subsequently open the marriage. As it stands, you are being rushed into this. I realize that your husband's hypersexuality opens up a certain need, but you should not have to feel pressured. And I think you do feel pressured.

Hopefully your time spent on Polyamory.com helps with that.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I am married to a man that recently discovered he has hypersexual disorder and wishes for an open marriage.
Click to expand...

Ok.

I don't even know where to begin or where to go.
Click to expand...

I think you could do "basics before bonus."

Honor where YOU are at first. Then help him out if your tank is full, and the requests are reasonable and rational.

First up is your consent to do this. Is it joyful consent?
  • I have no way of fully explaining it, but the idea has me on edge.
  • I agreed to it a while ago and although he found someone then, it drove me completely bonkers and I couldn't handle it.
  • This has been a trying time for me
  • I cannot handle the thought of him being with one of our friends

Doesn't sound like it.

Were you only consenting so as to avoid a break up? It is ok for you to say "No, thanks. I don't want to do open marriage. I prefer monogamy and closed marriage." And let the chips fall where they may.

Just because you get an invitation to Open Marriage Town? Doesn't mean you automatically have to agree to go there.

Maybe you choose to support him by setting him free. Then he's "free to" pursue multiple sex partners and you can be "free from" stuff you do not really want.

Supporting him by throwing YOU under the bus? That doesn't sound great to me.

Of course, there's growing pains any time people change things. And need time to sort out and shake out any newbie mistakes.

But only you can tell if this is growing pains and you can eventually adjust or if this is just full on going against your grain here. You are the one there. You are the one who would know.

I want to support him but I am unsure how.
Click to expand...

Are you also supporting YOU well? Cuz this can't be all about just him.

If you DO decide to try keep trying open marriage? You could view it as a serious of openings, and the first few may have some bumps because you are both learning. Initial agreements might need tweaking along the way and some "field testing" or "reality checking."

I suggested I would help him find someone but I don't even know where to begin the search. It's quite painful for me to even discuss this, but I feel like this is a way I can support him.
Click to expand...

It is not your job to find him dates. He's the one who wants them. He can be the one to pursue.

"Love" to me is "shared." It doesn't have to be "proven" by you doing tasks you find painful just to prove how supportive you are or that you love him.

If you decide to keeping trying it and see? Do some reading.

medium.com

The Most Skipped Step When Opening a Relationship

You’ve had hundreds of hours of discussions on what your open relationship will look like? Check!
medium.com medium.com

www.kathylabriola.com

kathylabriola.com

Kathy's new zine published by Microcosm Guide to Happy Polydays: How Polyamorous People Can Thrive Between Thanksgiving and New Year's Book Reviews by Kathy Labriola:See Below_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
www.kathylabriola.com www.kathylabriola.com

Practical Polyamory

Information on relationship skills, education and activism information related to the practice of polyamory; polyamory media resource.
practicalpolyamory.com
especially the Pitfalls one.


Maybe you want to read "Opening Up" or other titles.

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships: Taormino, Tristan: 9781573442954: Amazon.com: Books

Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships [Taormino, Tristan] on Amazon.com. *FREE* shipping on qualifying offers. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships
www.amazon.com

You could talk about boundaries and who the "messy people" are. Like you don't want him dating your parents, siblings, friends, boss, etc. After that? Safer sex practices and what that is gonna be. After that? Time management things like Mag suggests above. How will be manage poly hell things and not neglecting this side of the V with you, even as he pursue dating for open or poly on the other side?

And also... emergency preparedness. If things go wahoonie, how do we plan to break up? Do you already have separate finances?

Hopefully the emergency plan is never needed, but better to have the plan in place ahead of time than trying to start making the plan when in emotional upset if it DOES go wahoonie. People go take the boat out to explore and don't know where the trip will end up make sure there's life preservers on the boat. They don't go explore in the boat and leave the life preservers at home.

Once some basic agreements are in place? He can go date how he wants.

You get to find out if he keeps agreements or not. If they need adjusting after some "field testing."

You get to find out if you can adjust and handle being in an open marriage or not with him as the hinge that dates other people. Maybe it works out because his skills are ok.

Maybe it is a mess and you have to decide to 1) close back up or 2) break up. But you go there deliberately and on purpose.

And not like he made a unilateral decision for the couple and you are being dragged along for the ride with no voice in this decision. Your consent belongs to YOU.

Thanks for the response! Right now I feel that I have to be involved for my own sanity. What is OKC? This is a whole new territory for me and I'm trying to understand as much as possible. I'll admit, having an open relationship intrigues me too, fantasies and all that, but I don't think I could have more than 1 serious partner.
Click to expand...

Well, that's easier to imagine. Because you KNOW you, and how you would handle yourself. Or think you would handle yourself. You are the one driving then.

When it's him who is dating? You don't know this side of him yet. It's all new. If he can actually handle himself or not. He's the one driving when he's dating other people. Like... you aren't the one picking them out to date. HE is. And you don't know yet if he's a good picker or not.

So the "old normal" would be gone. The "new normal" is not here yet. And this time of transition could feel really weird and "up in the air."

So if you are going to explore in this area of life, you probably want your other life areas stable. (Are they?)

And your support network in place. (Is it?)

Right now I feel that I have to be involved for my own sanity.
Click to expand...

I wonder if you are considering helping him find dates even just so you can retain some sense of control/stability cuz you'd be helping to pick them out? Because the rest would be "up in the air."

But take a step back and think. Is that really an appropriate thing to be doing? Would it leads to "gatekeeper" resentments and problems?

And why do things that make you feel like you are going insane and hurting your mental health in the first place? You can love him a whole lot. But you have to love you first. Not like selfish, but like self care. You have to be able to say "I love you a lot. But not even for you will I do stuff that hurts me."

ARE you hurting you?

I suggest you do some soul searching first.

Because if you already know in your deep in your heart that open marriage is not just for you? And you are in bargaining stage of grief? Trying to avoid your inner truth? Considering doing things that go against your nature or your values just to stick around in his orbit? That's not you taking good care of you. :(

www.scarleteen.com

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.
www.scarleteen.com www.scarleteen.com

has some good assessment tools.

Some people do manage mono-poly or mono-open where one person (even though they have the option to date other people too) just doesn't. And then the other person does use the option to date others.

However it is you decide? Whether you say...
  • No way. I already know I don't want any open marriage. If you do want that, we are no longer compatible. We have to break up first before you take the bus to Open Town.
  • Not at this time. The initial attempt was way wonky. I need time to learn more about this and read some books. I can give you an answer on ______.
    • If you want an answer RIGHT NOW? Then I have to say "No" because I don't want to sign up again when I don't really even know what I'm getting into. And I don't want another round of distressing wonky.
  • Time Limited yes. I'll participate in open marriage to explore it some for ____ months. I know I could see other people too. But I don't want to right now. And if the experiment sucks for me? I reserve the right to get off this bus ride.
    • You can either get off the bus too and we go back to Closed.
    • Or you keep going with Open. Because you like it. And we active the emergency plan and break up peacefully.
I hope things turn out ok.

GL!
Galagirl
 
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