Hello everyone :]

[Nostalgia37]

Hello! I'm Nostalgia. I go by Nost in online spaces, usually. I'm a 20-year old guy in a relationship with my partner, 19M, for about almost a year and a half. We were both pretty clear from the get-go that an open relationship was something that was on the table, but we focused for the first 9-10 months of our relationship on building a strong foundation between the both of us and making sure we were compatible for something long term. We've decided our relationship is that of us being nested romantic partners, and we will not be pursuing any long-term romantic relationships with other partners for at least a few years, although we are open.

I'm glad to say that it's worked out extremely well so far, and recently we've been more active in opening our relationship and finding other play partners. We've had very good luck there as well, and we've both met some wonderful and lovely people through this.

I've read "The Ethical Slut," and I'll be giving it to him to borrow soon. That's been instrumental in our building a solid foundation for our relationship.

However, as happens, I'm having some struggles in this kind of relationship, mainly in not having any older or more established poly people around to see some kind of representation of how our life can go, of what's normal and of what's unhealthy as our lives continue and our relationships with others grow and change. I am very much in love with my partner and I want to make sure I am building the kind of emotional skills that will be necessary to maintain our relationship as it grows and matures so that I can show up as the best possible version of myself for him.

Right now, my main struggle is that while I am very very happy for him to go off and explore sex with other people and have a good time, and to be a part of those experiences with him, I am very scared of doing the same. I've recently pursued some steps with someone I've been interested in for a while, and while we haven't even done any kind of physical intimacy whatsoever, I'm plagued by a lot of fears and doubts alongside very fierce feelings of excitement and passion. I do have relationship OCD, and managing that is something I have no doubt I would struggle with in any relationship style, but I've been struggling at times to manage it within my life, and I hope to meet people who have learned tips and tricks for how to manage that, as well as learn about other people's stories and lives.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hi, welcome to the board. Here you will find other poly newbies like yourself, as well as people like me who have been practicing polyamory for a decade or much more.

We have a list of resources at the top of this section, lists of books, podcasts, online articles, etc. about how to successfully practice polyamory. I especially like to recommend the book Opening Up, since it was written based on the experiences of about 100 polyamorists. You can learn from their mistakes!

I read Ethical Slut when it first came out 25 years ago, when I first dipped my toe into polyamory. Back then it was the only book on modern polyamory/open relationships (other than swinging) and I didn't actually find it very helpful. (We had NO internet info on open relationships back then, how did we live?? haha) I found parts of it kind of shocking, the sex parties and so on, since I never craved group sex, not being an exhibitionist or voyeur to any large degree. I just had a tendency to fall in love with multiple people!

One thing that stands out to me in your OP is that you and your partner seem to be seeking "play partners" only, for sex and "good times." Polyamory is not sex-focused. It means many loves (poly=many, amory=love). It includes sex, because adults tend to do that when they're in love. But the focus is on feelings, commitment, household arrangements, managing NRE, and so on, not on arranging sex threesome, orgies and the like. Swinging is sex-focused. That's a whole other ballgame.

You don't say exactly what it is you FEAR about being in multiple relationships. Are you afraid falling in love with another person will lessen your love for your current partner? Are you afraid of spreading yourself too thin? Are you not sure how to manage NRE? Do you want to maintain a hierarchical kind of structure, but afraid you won't be able to manage that? Are there fears of envy or jealousy, loneliness, etc.? Can you be more specific?

Have you ever been in love with two people at once (not just in lust)?

 

[Nostalgia37]

Hi! I didn't get too deep into the specifics of my fears and issues as this is an introductory post and I didn't want to frontload my intro with too many deep delves into all the issues of my relationships.

As for the sexual aspect of our relationship, me and my partner are both deeply queer and sex is a deeply important part of our relationship to queerness and to each other. Part of our "goals" in opening our relationship is to build deep relationships with other queer people in our lives, to meet and grow relationships with them and to have what the kids call "crazy gay sex". The "play partners" I mentioned are people we'd love to have in our lives for a long time as trusted friends we deeply care about.

However, at the moment, due to our age and our places in life, we aren't interested in being more open romantically (which we're defining as a much more intense commitment of moving in together, planning our lives around each others etc etc), even though we do experience romantic interest in other people and discuss that, and that may be something in our future. Our relationships with these people are as friends and play partners because we're at a very transitional stage in our lives and neither of us feel like we have the capacity to maintain more than one romantic relationship at this point in our lives.

I posted here because I feel our relationship dynamic is fundamentally deeply non-traditional and we are approaching it from an aspect of it being deeply non-traditional and I'd like to be in community with others who want to live life the way I do and those who have been living it for a while.

I am afraid of a lot of things in building this kind of life, and I'm afraid of all the things you've mentioned thus far. While I haven't yet personally experienced being in a relationship with two people at once, or being in love with two people at once, it is something I'm aware I will most likely have to deal with in the future due to the way I am living my life. It is also very likely my partner will also experience this and from then I'd like to learn about how I can be a good partner and how to manage myself within that changing expanding dynamic.

If it would be better for me to come back at a different point in my life then I can do so :] I was just hoping to share where I was at currently and where I am trying to take my life.

 

[Evie]

You're welcome to be here now, Nost. Perhaps just hanging out and reading about other people's situations will help you develop your own thoughts.

 

[kdt26417]

Greetings Nost,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I've been living polyamorously from 2006 on forward, so I should be able to give you some info/advice. Just let me know what you want to know. It sounds like you are not quite ready to try polyamory yet, but maybe it's something in your near future. Keep us posted on how you're doing, and we'll try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter"

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!

 

[MoPoly]

You’re wise to seek out a supportive community Nost. After all, what fool would try to climb Everest without first finding a team of experienced guides with a map?! Welcome