Hello, I'm Grant

grant37

New member
I'm new here and new to the entire thing to be honest. I live in Kansas City and I'm married to a beautiful wonderful woman and we're on our 25th year together. She's very mono-aligned, but I have been struggling throughout our entire marriage with fidelity in general. I decided years ago that she is "the one", but never that she's the only one. I've spent the last 5 years trying to conform, but it doesn't feel natural or what I want for my lifestyle. I'm at a point where something has to give... not sure how or what, but I'm very steadfast that it will be consensual. She has also shifted some and is interested in exploring some sexual aspects of consensual non-monogamy, but not all the same ones I am. I'm hopeful that's where change will come from. But we're both closer than we've ever been, and more fearful we're growing apart. I really need some folks that have been through this to talk with.

Thanks!
-Grant
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
Hi, Grant! Welcome to the board! :)

The only thing I can tell you is research, research, research and discuss, discuss, discuss. Keep the communication lines open and take your time in marinating in things. There really isn't a timeline for this sort of thing and from what I have seen, rushing into things just creates more problems and heartache.
 

grant37

New member
I've been reading PolySecure and that really changed where my head was at. I can "be" non-monogamous (or anything) but choose to stay in a monogamous relationship. I've been talking with my wife and things are subtly shifting, but I think it just rocks her foundation to think I could find someone else romantically interesting.
 

grant37

New member
Hi, Grant! Welcome to the board! :)

The only thing I can tell you is research, research, research and discuss, discuss, discuss. Keep the communication lines open and take your time in marinating in things. There really isn't a timeline for this sort of thing and from what I have seen, rushing into things just creates more problems and heartache.
Thank you! I really have all these thoughts, dreams, ideas "marinating". Perfect word there.
 

Isaiah990

Member
I'm new here and new to the entire thing to be honest. I live in Kansas City and I'm married to a beautiful wonderful woman and we're on our 25th year together. She's very mono-aligned, but I have been struggling throughout our entire marriage with fidelity in general. I decided years ago that she is "the one", but never that she's the only one. I've spent the last 5 years trying to conform, but it doesn't feel natural or what I want for my lifestyle. I'm at a point where something has to give... not sure how or what, but I'm very steadfast that it will be consensual. She has also shifted some and is interested in exploring some sexual aspects of consensual non-monogamy, but not all the same ones I am. I'm hopeful that's where change will come from. But we're both closer than we've ever been, and more fearful we're growing apart. I really need some folks that have been through this to talk with.

Thanks!
-Grant

I'd ask her questions about how she feels about polyamory and monogamy. Get her to think about why she feels the way she feels. Hopefully, she'll become self aware of what she wants and be more open to polyamory.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Grant,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You've come to the right place, there are people here who have lots of experience in poly, and can help you. We can talk you through this, just keep on posting. You may want to start a thread in Poly Relationships Corner, it is a more active board and you are more likely to get lots of feedback there. Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 

grant37

New member
I'd ask her questions about how she feels about polyamory and monogamy. Get her to think about why she feels the way she feels. Hopefully, she'll become self aware of what she wants and be more open to polyamory.
I have. I think she likes the idea of sharing sexually, but sharing any intimacies sets off a flood of emotions for her. She's scared I'll leave her for someone else, which no matter how much I work on our "earned secure attachment" doesn't seem to change. She's just petrified I'll leave her for a younger, more energetic, more open partner. Also, she just doesn't see herself as being in a poly lifestyle. She's in the "what will people think" mentality. I'm at a phase in life where I stopped caring what others think... so we're at a logger head. We talk about it in our couples therapy and it will get worked out. But it is what it is... and I'm scared we'll have to separate and move our own ways over this.
 

Isaiah990

Member
I have. I think she likes the idea of sharing sexually, but sharing any intimacies sets off a flood of emotions for her. She's scared I'll leave her for someone else, which no matter how much I work on our "earned secure attachment" doesn't seem to change. She's just petrified I'll leave her for a younger, more energetic, more open partner. Also, she just doesn't see herself as being in a poly lifestyle. She's in the "what will people think" mentality. I'm at a phase in life where I stopped caring what others think... so we're at a logger head. We talk about it in our couples therapy and it will get worked out. But it is what it is... and I'm scared we'll have to separate and move our own ways over this.
She might have issues seeing her value. Did you try getting her to see her value in the relationship? That might help. It might also help to get her to just imagine you leaving for another woman. That will get her to process her emotions and be more open to the idea eventually. It also sounds like she's conflicted internally. She seems to have the traditional view that married women are supposed to be exclusive only with their husbands. She's probably afraid of being shamed for exploring her sexuality outside of marriage.

If nothing works then you're right. The relationship will not work if she cannot see her self worth. This is what I don't like about monogamous relationships. There's not much room for change. Once you become exclusive with someone, the relationship will get destroyed if the foundation changes. You become incompatible. It can be quite painful realizing you no longer want the same things in the marriage. Not to mention everything you invested.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I have. I think she likes the idea of sharing sexually, but sharing any intimacies sets off a flood of emotions for her. She's scared I'll leave her for someone else, which no matter how much I work on our "earned secure attachment" doesn't seem to change.

That's because she has to be the one to work on her secure attachment.

She's just petrified I'll leave her for a younger, more energetic, more open partner.

So what does she need to see you do, to start doing herself, or stop doing to better believe in your "stayingness? "


Also, she just doesn't see herself as being in a poly lifestyle.

She doesn't have to be.

Some couples do open-poly. Like open relationship on one side and polyamory on the other side. Because one partner is up for sharing casual sex, but doesn't really want to get into "feelings" and the other partner doesn't want casual sex and does want the "feelings."

She's in the "what will people think" mentality. I'm at a phase in life where I stopped caring what others think... so we're at a logger head.

That's a question of "being out" or "fearing being outted." How "out" were you each wanting to be?

We talk about it in our couples therapy and it will get worked out. But it is what it is... and I'm scared we'll have to separate and move our own ways over this.

Hopefully therapy can help you sort some things out.

Where did you land with this --

I've been reading PolySecure and that really changed where my head was at. I can "be" non-monogamous (or anything) but choose to stay in a monogamous relationship.

Would you be ok staying in a Closed relationship with her so long as she became more open to talking to you about your oly thoughts and feelings so you aren't going around bottled up?

Maybe something to bring up in therapy.

Galagirl
 
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grant37

New member
This was a great response and I took some time to mentally parse it.
That's because she has to be the one to work on her secure attachment.
Harumph, too true
So what does she need to see you do, to start doing herself, or stop doing to better believe in your "stayingness? "
It's a long list, but it starts with, stop cheating, and it ends with, tell me you're staying very often.

Some couples do open-poly. Like open relationship on one side and polyamory on the other side. Because one partner is up for sharing casual sex, but doesn't really want to get into "feelings" and the other partner doesn't want casual sex and does want the "feelings."
I know she's okay with swinging, and only every 6mo or so, we'll start there. I'm not sure if she'll ever be emotionally comfortable with my CNM ideal. This is a very hard pill to swallow and I'm really torn by it. But I'm being very very patient.
That's a question of "being out" or "fearing being outted." How "out" were you each wanting to be?
I think I'm ok with being limitted out to my family and friends. She wants to keep it to just the two of us.
Would you be ok staying in a Closed relationship with her so long as she became more open to talking to you about your oly thoughts and feelings so you aren't going around bottled up?
Right now... for up to maybe a few years, I think I can make this work. But if we can't find a place where I can express myself I'm worried I'll slip again and again and start a whole new pattern, which I'm thoroughly sick of.
Maybe something to bring up in therapy.
What isn't?

@GalaGirl and anyone... should I stay or should I go?
How difficult is it to establish my own poly lifestyle in the midwest? I don't really even know how to do it here, there are some groups but they are not that active. I don't perceive there are many of us here.

Thoughts?
-Grant
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
Right now... for up to maybe a few years, I think I can make this work. But if we can't find a place where I can express myself I'm worried I'll slip again and again and start a whole new pattern, which I'm thoroughly sick of.

If there's been cheating in the past, that adds to the problems. Because it isn't like open or poly are MAGIC or something. A person could cheat on their open/poly agreements too. Then what?

What would be different so agreements are kept this time?

@GalaGirl and anyone... should I stay or should I go?

That is only something you can answer.

I've spent the last 5 years trying to conform, but it doesn't feel natural or what I want for my lifestyle. I'm at a point where something has to give...

For me? 5 years would be more than enough. I'd be ready to move on to something else.

I would part ways clean since open/poly doesn't interest current partner. I'd spend some time healing, then move on to date people who want the same things I do. No point in dragging it out.

Because to me? Love alone is not enough for deep compatibility. And sometimes the last loving act is to let someone go.

But you have to answer for your own self.

While written for teens, this article may help you discern.


GL!
Galagirl
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Grant,

You said you think you can make this work for up to maybe a few years. Based on that, my guess is that you should stay for a few more years. But have a date set for when you will go (assuming your wife still refuses to let you go poly). This way you know where the light is at the end of the tunnel. Makes things easier to endure.

What is the clash?
Regards,
Kevin T.
 

grant37

New member
Hi Grant,

You said you think you can make this work for up to maybe a few years. Based on that, my guess is that you should stay for a few more years. But have a date set for when you will go (assuming your wife still refuses to let you go poly). This way you know where the light is at the end of the tunnel. Makes things easier to endure.
I like this advice, thanks. That is basically my plan, but having a date and goals makes it objective. Grr HR would love me
What is the clash?
Regards,
Kevin T.
I'd rather answer privately... Sorry I'm fine with taking about me, but if rather not talk about her here
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member

tdh

Active member
I think I'm ok with being limitted out to my family and friends. She wants to keep it to just the two of us.
Some people find part of the excitement of ENM, especially towards the swinging spectrum, is the secret between you and your partner. It is something special you two share as a bonding type of thing

can express myself I'm worried I'll slip again and again and start a whole new pattern
Slip again? If the goal is ethical whether non or monogamous then not honoring the relationship terms should be worked out on your side. Part of Poly is usually a level of commitment to all parties involved. If you have a hard time honoring commitment now or have in the past, it maybe more than just the monogamy relationship type that is the issue here. That would make transitioning to be open in a way all parties might need harder.
 
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