HI, not sure what I'm thinking posting - I'm a 38 year old cis het male. In mono relationship for 20 years, married for 13 of those. 2 kids 10 and 5. Is this just the pathetic male "mid life crisis" that everyone knows about (I have basically been told that already by someone)?
I met my wife (A) when I was 18, we fell for each other, we stayed together through Uni, and got married, then had kids - the standard fairytale that we are all told by society is what we should aim for, and what will make us happy and fulfilled. I have always found myself developing feelings towards other people, but since I knew I loved A I always did what society tells us we should do - I didn't want to leave A, so if it seemed like anything might develop I cut off contact with the other person. I presumed this was normal (having never had any other relationship). I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't? I have never felt completely fulfilled, but again, I assumed this to be either the required compromise for a marriage to work, or, more likely, some kind of failure on my part.
I found out about the existence of polyamory/ENM about 2-3 years ago, when a mutual friend 'went public' as poly, sadly I cannot talk about my problems with them without putting them in an awkward position, as they are a friend to both of us. It was quite a realisation that anything outside of the standard script is an actual thing which can be done in an ethical way, which at least helps in that I know that having these feelings and wishes are not "wrong" per se. I can understand now that it is possible to have more than one loving relationship at the same time (which makes perfect sense, to use a simplistic metaphor, if you play football with one friend no one would ever suggest that it is wrong to go cycling with a different friend, or that once you have been cycling you can never play football again). I have thought about it since then, and it feels somehow "right" to me that there is no reason that a relationship or marriage should be entirely reliant on excluding others in the way the standard societal script tells us it has to be. I can envision both myself and A having relationships with other people - not instead of our relationship, but in addition to. I was worried that I was just being a typical arsehole man, wanting to "sow my wild oats" or "have my cake and eat it", but after a period of thinking this over, I am convinced that isn't it - the idea of my both my wife and I having fulfilling relationships along with the one that she has with me just makes sense.
Unfortunately, having known A for 20 years I am pretty sure that she would NEVER be able to accept anything other than monogamy - she would see even the suggestion as me saying "You aren't enough for me and I don't love you". She believes that relationships involve 2 people and all needs are fulfilled by the one partner - essentially that romantic/sexual love is a zero-sum proposition, all or nothing. If I even tried to talk to her about this I am sure that it would hurt her terribly, and ultimately destroy the relationship, hurting both her and the children. She is happy in the marriage, - surely it is wrong for me to be thinking about destroying that and hurting her through no fault of her own? And worse - what if I did raise it and she says yes just to avoid divorce? That would be a really horrible thing for me to do to her.
As I see it, there are only two possible outcomes, and neither of them is good, just one is bad for fewer people:
1. Walk away from 13 years of marriage, 20 years together and two kids in the hope of somehow "following my dreams" with no guarantee that the life I could make would be any better, and with all the complication of divorce, and leaving my wife to pick up as a 38 year old divorced woman with 2 kids and try to salvage her own life from a disaster not of her making.
2. Stay, and continue to lie to my wife by omission and accept that while I may not really be happy, I at least save her and the children from the pain of me destroying our marriage.
I feel utterly trapped. I love her and don't want to hurt her, but at the same time this is hurting me. At the end of the day, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, A doesn't deserve to be hurt as a result of my actions, and I have managed like this for 20 years, and so the right thing to do must for me to keep on as I am - at least this way my wife and kids don't get hurt as a result of something that is my fault. I also feel scared that if I don't do something, then one day I might cheat on her, either emotionally or physically - I might give in to something and then hurt even more people.
I suppose the question I really need to know the answer to is this - is this (poly) something I want, or something I am? If it's something I want then there is at least a chance that I can distract myself, forget about it? If not, if it's more of an innate thing, then I suppose I just know things are going to be harder. Maybe I just need to grow up and accept what is, rather than fantasise about what ifs, and how things might have been different?
If you have made it this far, thank you, and I am sorry for taking up your time and brainspace.
I met my wife (A) when I was 18, we fell for each other, we stayed together through Uni, and got married, then had kids - the standard fairytale that we are all told by society is what we should aim for, and what will make us happy and fulfilled. I have always found myself developing feelings towards other people, but since I knew I loved A I always did what society tells us we should do - I didn't want to leave A, so if it seemed like anything might develop I cut off contact with the other person. I presumed this was normal (having never had any other relationship). I'm starting to think that maybe it isn't? I have never felt completely fulfilled, but again, I assumed this to be either the required compromise for a marriage to work, or, more likely, some kind of failure on my part.
I found out about the existence of polyamory/ENM about 2-3 years ago, when a mutual friend 'went public' as poly, sadly I cannot talk about my problems with them without putting them in an awkward position, as they are a friend to both of us. It was quite a realisation that anything outside of the standard script is an actual thing which can be done in an ethical way, which at least helps in that I know that having these feelings and wishes are not "wrong" per se. I can understand now that it is possible to have more than one loving relationship at the same time (which makes perfect sense, to use a simplistic metaphor, if you play football with one friend no one would ever suggest that it is wrong to go cycling with a different friend, or that once you have been cycling you can never play football again). I have thought about it since then, and it feels somehow "right" to me that there is no reason that a relationship or marriage should be entirely reliant on excluding others in the way the standard societal script tells us it has to be. I can envision both myself and A having relationships with other people - not instead of our relationship, but in addition to. I was worried that I was just being a typical arsehole man, wanting to "sow my wild oats" or "have my cake and eat it", but after a period of thinking this over, I am convinced that isn't it - the idea of my both my wife and I having fulfilling relationships along with the one that she has with me just makes sense.
Unfortunately, having known A for 20 years I am pretty sure that she would NEVER be able to accept anything other than monogamy - she would see even the suggestion as me saying "You aren't enough for me and I don't love you". She believes that relationships involve 2 people and all needs are fulfilled by the one partner - essentially that romantic/sexual love is a zero-sum proposition, all or nothing. If I even tried to talk to her about this I am sure that it would hurt her terribly, and ultimately destroy the relationship, hurting both her and the children. She is happy in the marriage, - surely it is wrong for me to be thinking about destroying that and hurting her through no fault of her own? And worse - what if I did raise it and she says yes just to avoid divorce? That would be a really horrible thing for me to do to her.
As I see it, there are only two possible outcomes, and neither of them is good, just one is bad for fewer people:
1. Walk away from 13 years of marriage, 20 years together and two kids in the hope of somehow "following my dreams" with no guarantee that the life I could make would be any better, and with all the complication of divorce, and leaving my wife to pick up as a 38 year old divorced woman with 2 kids and try to salvage her own life from a disaster not of her making.
2. Stay, and continue to lie to my wife by omission and accept that while I may not really be happy, I at least save her and the children from the pain of me destroying our marriage.
I feel utterly trapped. I love her and don't want to hurt her, but at the same time this is hurting me. At the end of the day, the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, A doesn't deserve to be hurt as a result of my actions, and I have managed like this for 20 years, and so the right thing to do must for me to keep on as I am - at least this way my wife and kids don't get hurt as a result of something that is my fault. I also feel scared that if I don't do something, then one day I might cheat on her, either emotionally or physically - I might give in to something and then hurt even more people.
I suppose the question I really need to know the answer to is this - is this (poly) something I want, or something I am? If it's something I want then there is at least a chance that I can distract myself, forget about it? If not, if it's more of an innate thing, then I suppose I just know things are going to be harder. Maybe I just need to grow up and accept what is, rather than fantasise about what ifs, and how things might have been different?
If you have made it this far, thank you, and I am sorry for taking up your time and brainspace.